Getting married is one of the most important decisions a person can make in their life. You should only marry if you are sure you have chosen the right partner and if you share common values and goals. By properly addressing the matter in advance, you will have a better chance of having a successful marriage.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Discuss the Important Matters
Step 1. Determine if you are planning to have children
You may already know if your partner wishes to have children: if one of you would like to have children but the other doesn't, getting married is probably not a good idea. In addition to discussing the number of children you wish to have, you should also discuss the side issues.
- How do you intend to educate your children?
- How long do you want to have them?
- Do you consider options such as adoption or in vitro fertilization?
- How will you share the responsibilities of raising children - feeding them, changing diapers, helping with homework and more?
- Are you going to hire a babysitter?
Step 2. Talk about the family budget
It is important to address this topic before getting married and it is necessary to inquire not only about the partner's current financial situation, but also about his attitude towards money and future goals. If you don't think the same way, you will have to develop a plan to reach a common understanding. The following questions can help you in the discussion:
- Do you have credit card debt?
- Do you have student loan debt?
- Have you ever suffered a failure?
- Are you co-signatories of a debt contracted by another person?
- Will you pay all the money into a joint account or will you have separate accounts?
- Who will manage the finances? Will only one of you take care of it or will you do it together?
- What is your current income?
- What are your savings habits?
- Are you saving money for retirement?
Step 3. Talk about your sex life
It is an important element of marriage. Whether you decide to have sex before or after getting married, you should discuss your sexual expectations related to married life. How many times (per week or per month) do you want to have sex? What will you do if one of you wants to do it and the other doesn't? How will you keep the passion alive in the long term?
- Both of you need to be honest in this type of conversation. A premarital counselor can help you discuss the subject, in case you are unable to deal with it on your own.
- What do you plan to do if the sexual desire of one of the two increases significantly or, on the contrary, decreases?
Step 4. Get to know the other's family
You can find out many things about the other person by spending time with his family, because both positive and negative characteristics tend to be transmitted from generation to generation. Once married, the other's family will also become yours.
- For example, if family members raise their voices during discussions, your partner may also have a tendency to do so.
- If his family has never used to eat all together, but family meals are important to you, the other may not understand your desire to have meals in common.
- It is possible to work on one's habits and change them, but everything is easier, if we know what we are going to encounter.
Step 5. Talk about the value you place on religion
Religion is a very personal matter. You may share the same one, have different religions or have none: it is important to know their value in the other person's life. In the event that you practice the same creed, you may not have much to discuss, but in the event that you have different religions, or one of the two is more observant than the other, it may be necessary to talk about it in depth.
- Talk about the religious holidays you intend to observe and how you want to do so.
- Are you going to go to church together every Sunday? Do you want to raise your children according to the precepts of your religion?
- In case you do not share the same religion, consider reaching out to an interfaith counselor to discuss any issues.
Step 6. Determine if you share the same core values
It is often said that opposites attract, but the most lasting marriages are those between similar people. This does not mean that you must have the same interests, pastimes and the same character, but that you should have the same attitude towards money, work, children, religion and sex.
- If you don't share the same core values, your marriage may be more difficult and you may argue more frequently.
- For example, if one of the two is a saver while the other is a "spendthrift", it could happen that the latter makes an important purchase without telling his partner. An altercation could therefore arise following the purchase, but the real cause of the problem lies in the different attitude you have towards money.
Part 2 of 3: Review the Report
Step 1. Try to understand what your fighting methods are
Conflicts are a key part of a healthy relationship. Since you won't always be both on the same page, the way you process conflicts is an indicator of how healthy your relationship is. If you don't learn to fight civilly, you may have more problems throughout your marriage.
- Screaming, insulting the other person, criticizing them and being aggressive are all destructive behaviors that are not good for the relationship.
- Practicing active listening, calmly discussing the problem in question and having a more positive attitude during the discussion are constructive ways of arguing with your partner.
- For example, if you are discussing why a mountain of dishes to wash has accumulated, an incorrect way to argue includes calling the other lazy and raising issues that are not related to the problem. Instead, the discussion should focus on whether to create a cleaning plan or whether the partner is feeling overwhelmed by other chores inside and outside the home.
Step 2. Reflect on the reliability of the partner
Knowing that you can count on the other in the vicissitudes of life is a sign that you have met the right person to marry. You should be able to count on each other throughout your life.
- How have you been supported in difficult times (for example in the case of a death in the family, a medical problem or in a period of work or school stress)?
- Does the partner accept your help?
- Do you know how to support and encourage each other?
- If your relationship has never been tested in this sense, use the knowledge you have of the other to imagine how you could handle a tragedy.
Step 3. Consider what is the level of communication within your couple
Effective communication is essential for a good relationship. You should feel free to express your wishes, needs and emotions and the other should listen to you and respect your point of view. You should be able to laugh together but also have unpleasant conversations.
- If you are afraid or nervous about talking to your partner about certain topics, your couple may not have the necessary level of open communication. No topic should be taboo.
- There should be no secrets between you. It is not desirable to inaugurate a marriage under the banner of dishonesty.
Step 4. Determine if the time is right
Marriage can work if you both feel the time is right, if you feel ready and have freely chosen to do so. Factors such as an unexpected pregnancy and pressure from family or friends can be a rush and push towards marriage. However, they are not good reasons to get married.
- Timing is everything: it is possible to marry the right person at the wrong time.
- It is better to wait rather than throw yourself into a rushed marriage.
Step 5. Think about why you want to get married
You shouldn't feel forced to get married before you're ready. Ask yourself why you want to marry the person in question. Maybe all of your friends are married and you feel like you're late? Or maybe your relationship has been going on for a long time and you feel like marriage is the next step? Or do your family members keep asking you when are you going to take the plunge?
- Take note of all the reasons why you want to get married right now: they could confirm that you are ready, make you understand that you do not want it or that you want it, but not now.
- Among the valid reasons for getting married are: believing that you have found the right person, feeling that the time is right, being ready to make a solemn commitment, and considering marriage as one of your personal goals.
- If you find that most of the reasons are due to external factors or a difficult life situation, it may not be the best choice for you.
Part 3 of 3: Increasing the Chances of a Successful Marriage
Step 1. Marry your best friend
Married people are generally happier and more satisfied. If you are best friends, marriage will make you even more satisfied in life. Friendship is the basis of a good marriage.
- Are you and your partner true friends?
- A good friend is supportive, loyal, reliable, and accepts us as we are. With him we can be ourselves without fear of being judged.
Step 2. Wait to be at least 20 years old
If you are a teenager and you are toying with the idea of marriage, it is best to wait until you are a little older: the older you are, the more life experience and wisdom you will have, and this can contribute to a marriage. improve.
- If you get married before you are 20, you will significantly decrease your chances of staying married for a long time.
- For women, waiting until they are 25 before getting married decreases the chances of divorce or separation in the first 10 years of marriage.
Step 3. Resolve Your Problems Before Marriage
The problems that the couple experiences before getting married continue even afterwards; marriage is of no use to resolve them. Both of you should write down the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship and discuss how you can work on them together.
- In case there are problems that you are unable to solve, it is best to postpone any wedding plans.
- A premarital counselor is an excellent resource for preparing for the event, because it offers useful therapy for evaluating the relationship and addressing any type of problem.
