When parents divorce, resentment and other negative feelings can lead to so-called "parental alienation" (or "parental"), in which one parent engages in manipulative tactics to convince their children that the other parent is a bad person who is not love them or don't care about them. Often this is far from the truth and the targeted parent would do anything to stop this behavior and maintain a positive relationship with their children. If your ex-spouse is trying to get away from your child, you may be able to get help from the court; however, you must first be able to prove that parental alienation is present, which can often be quite difficult.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Recording Alienating Behavior Patterns
Step 1. Keep a journal
If you aren't already doing this, make daily notes on all events involving your child, including conversations or incidents with the other parent.
- These notes can be crucial in proving a case of parental alienation, which often means having to rebut the other parent's allegations.
- For example, the other parent might file a motion to change the parenting plan, arguing that you don't have time to be with the child. Detailed documentation of the time you spent with your child, including tickets to events or activities and photographs of the two of you together, can help show that the other parent is trying to push the child away from you or damage your relationship.
- Take note of any special requests your ex-spouse makes or changes he or she wishes to make to the court-ordered parenting plan. Often an alienating parent requests adjustments and then blames you when you disagree.
- An activity log is especially important if there are recurring problems with access rights and adherence to the court-established schedule.
- Keep in mind that not all court decisions are equal regarding the freedom of choice a child can have over visits to the non-custodial parent - and often also depend on the child's age. However, the judge usually looks suspiciously at parents who offer their children a chance to do something that is contrary to a court order. If your child says something like, "Dad said I don't have to come see you next week if I don't want to," include it in your journal as evidence of possible parental alienation.
- If you are having trouble communicating with your ex spouse, do your best to keep all communications in writing. This way, both of you will have a record of what was discussed. Save copies of messages or emails, as they may be useful as evidence in case your ex-spouse later claims that he disagrees with something or claims you accepted something when you didn't.
- If your ex-spouse sends you accusatory or alienating messages, keep them in chronological order so you can demonstrate a pattern of behavior.
Step 2. Watch out for warning signs
Certain behaviors or changes in the child's attitude may be symptomatic of parental alienation.
- There are different types of alienation, each with its own warning signs. Understanding the type of alienation practiced can be as important as recognizing that alienation is taking place, as different types of alienation often require different strategies to combat the problem.
- Keep in mind that many parents who engage in alienating behavior have their child's best interests at heart and are willing to seek help if they come to understand that their actions are harming the child.
- Parental alienation must be distinguished from "parental alienation syndrome" (or PAS - "Parental Alienation Syndrome"); while parental alienation concerns more than anything else the behavior of the parent, the syndrome generally refers to symptoms found in the child.
- For example, if your child seems reluctant to visit you or refuses to spend time with you, such conduct may have more to do with a case of parental alienation than your child doesn't like you or that doesn't want to be with you.
- An alienating parent might, for example, support the child's refusal to visit you, even if the child has no reason not to see you. For the alienating parent, this means that your child prefers him to you.
- Pay attention to any secrets your child has with the other parent, including code words or cues. For example, the child may refuse to tell you what he did with his father last weekend and may even say phrases like, "Dad said not to tell you" or "Dad said to keep it a secret." Even if they did something as simple and innocent as going to a football match together, the fact that your ex-husband is teaching your child to keep things from you is proof of parental alienation.
Step 3. Talk to your child
Precisely because the other parent may be trying to get the child to believe that you don't love them or don't care about them, it is essential to keep communication with your child open. Listen carefully to what he has to say, understand his feelings, and tell him clearly that you care.
- Be careful if your child just parrots what the other parent said instead of expressing their feelings or telling a fact in their own words. For example, if you ask your daughter why she didn't come to see you the previous Saturday, she might say, "Mom said you were too busy to spend time with me."
- If the other parent accuses you of abusing the child, or tries to convince the child that your actions are abusive, address these allegations immediately and seek professional help for your child.
- Ask the child about what he is doing in your ex-spouse's home, but avoid asking inquisitive or suggestive questions. If your child wants to talk about something he did at dad's house, listen to him openly, but don't force him to give you potentially harmful information.
- If your child tells you something that involves abusive or negligent behavior on the part of the other parent, take them to a professional rather than getting angry or asking persistent questions about it. Keep in mind that the child would probably feel uncomfortable if, for example, he had the impression that he was "spying" on his father.
Step 4. Enforce all court orders related to foster care or access rights
While the other parent may do whatever it takes to interfere with the visiting schedule, it is important for the child to spend time with both parents.
- If the other parent violates custody or access rights, contact your lawyer and the court immediately. Explain to your child that court decisions must be respected or there will be serious consequences.
- Keep in mind that courts generally find that systematic interference with a parenting plan violates the "best interests of the child" standard.
- If the other parent refuses to give you the child's medical or school records as required by the original order, go to court to enforce the order rather than try to resolve the matter on your own. Preventing yourself from having those papers can be considered a sign of parental alienation and certainly does not encourage the full involvement of both parents in the child's life.
- Additionally, court minutes can be used later to prove parental alienation, should further problems arise. If your ex does not cooperate and refuses to give you access to documents relating to your child's health and well-being, the court will recognize that this is not in the best interest of the child.
- If the alienating parent recommends or suggests something, consider what they are proposing and consider their motivations before accepting. Read all the documentation carefully and check for any loopholes in anything your ex spouse is eager to accept or suggest.
- While the court does not necessarily recognize "parental alienation syndrome", it must still consider parental alienation along with other factors in determining the child's best interests.
- In most cases, the court espouses the policy that the ideal is for a child to have a close and ongoing relationship with both parents. Therefore, the fact that one parent tries to exclude or alienate the other is usually considered to be contrary to the best interests of the child.
Step 5. Apply for an ad litem tutor
He is a court official charged with representing the child's interests and can monitor the other parent's compliance with the court's orders.
The ad litem guardian can visit the child in the other parent's home and observe the interactions between them. He will question both the parents and the child, together and separately, and report his findings to the judge
Step 6. Talk to your attorney
If you have what you think is evidence of parental alienation, the lawyer will know how best to take it to court.
- Keep in mind that parental alienation syndrome is not a true "syndrome" in the medical sense, as it is not a mental condition that afflicts a single person. Rather, it refers to a type of dysfunctional relationship - between the two parents and between the alienating parent and the child.
- Although most courts admit evidence of parental alienation and alienating behavior, a diagnosis of "parental alienation syndrome" in the child is not accepted in many states. Since the syndrome is not recognized by the scientific community or included in the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it cannot be legally defined as a mental disorder.
- Determining how and to what extent parental alienation is affecting your relationship with your child is a complex process and typically requires court intervention; it is therefore not something that can be resolved overnight.
- If your ex-spouse is constantly asking for changes to scheduled visits or arranging special outings or trips to induce your child to refuse a scheduled visit, you should notify your attorney and decide whether to involve the court. While the court accepts that parenting plans are flexible and take into account the needs of parents and children, if a parent continually attempts to change the established regime, they may be engaging in alienating behavior that should be discouraged.
Step 7. Have the other parent lay down
If your ex-spouse files a motion (for example to change custody) that you believe is motivated by parental alienation, you should request a testimony to consider the reasons for the motion and what your ex hopes to achieve from it.
- Agree with your lawyer questions that may lead your ex to disclose alienating behavior. For example, your lawyer might ask your ex-spouse if he has ever talked to the child about your personal life or if he has ever made negative comments about you to his child.
- Your attorney may also want to hire an expert to listen to the deposition or review the transcript so that they can analyze the answers provided.
- If one parent has belittled the other in front of the child, discussed divorce litigation with the child, or encouraged the child to be disobedient or disrespectful to the other parent, the court will typically take this into account. You can investigate this type of behavior during the deposition.
Part 2 of 3: Talk to the Witnesses
Step 1. Talk to other adults who date your child regularly
While the child may not reveal much to you, it is possible that he mentions something to other adults he knows.
- Keep in mind that other family members could also contribute to the alienation. This can happen if, for example, the alienated parent feels like a victim of yours. If you filed for divorce from your husband and he didn't want to, he might think it's your fault that the marriage is over. It may come naturally for his family to take his side and believe the things he says about you, even if they aren't true.
- Neutral third parties such as the child's teacher or coach can be better sources of information about the other parent's actions. For example, if your ex-husband is being alienating, the teacher may notice a difference in the child's behavior when he is with his father and when he is with you.
- Supportive people in your community, such as teachers, coaches, and religious leaders, typically have the child's best interests at heart and can testify for you when you attempt to prove parental alienation.
Step 2. Correct false or distorted information
Since alienating parents often lie to turn the child against the other parent, make sure your child and other adults know the truth.
- This can be difficult if the people you need to talk to are closer to your ex than to you. For example, if your ex-husband has told his sister that you are an alcoholic, you may have a hard time convincing her that you are not, as she will instinctively trust her brother and protect him.
- Alienating parents can encourage the "us versus them" mentality, so emphasize that you have the child's best interests at heart and that you don't want to see your ex as an enemy.
Step 3. Consider taking your child to a psychologist
Psychological therapy can be essential not only for proving parental alienation, but also for the well-being of the child.
- Your child may tell a psychologist things that they would not tell you. Additionally, psychologists are able to recognize the meaning of certain behaviors that you may not notice.
- Also, the child may feel more comfortable talking in your absence about what the other parent says about you rather than saying it to you directly.
- In some cases it is possible to ask the court to order a psychological evaluation of the child. Talk to your lawyer to understand what the procedure is. The examiner's report can be used as evidence to show that there is a case of parental alienation.
- Social services can also help you if you have problems with the other parent or believe that your child has parental alienation syndrome. They can offer you assistance that will save you money compared to a private psychologist or psychiatrist.
- Keep in mind that to prove parental alienation, you must also be able to prove that your ex-spouse's negative conduct is actually harming the child. For this purpose, the testimony of a child psychologist or psychiatrist may be necessary.
Part 3 of 3: Protect the Child
Step 1. Maintain relationships
The best way to combat the other parent's attempts at emotional manipulation on your child is to prove them wrong.
- Always think of your child's best interest and don't give up on him just because your ex-spouse is making things difficult. The child will notice if you seem to stop worrying about him or if you constantly give in to your ex's demands.
- You should also maintain relationships with your family members and other people in your community. Encouraging your child to play with their friends or participate in community activities will strengthen their bond with you in a positive way and help fight the effects of alienation.
Step 2. Avoid negative interactions with the other parent
Arguing with your ex-spouse, especially in front of your child, will only further confuse the child and provide the alienating parent with more arguments.
Try to resolve any disagreements with the other parent without involving the child. Your son knows you two don't get along - you got divorced; however, you must avoid involving him in your discussions or making him feel responsible for the problems you are facing
Step 3. Refrain from disparaging the other parent in front of your child
Remember that parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse; be careful not to fall into the same mistakes as your ex.
- Keep in mind that although children may ignore occasional hurtful remarks made in times of anger or frustration, your words can have dire consequences, particularly if the other parent is saying similar things about you.
- Strive to maintain a positive relationship with your child and moderate your behavior, keeping the manifestations of anger and sadness in check. Identify your emotions and then redirect them. For example, you might say to your child, "I'm very frustrated right now, but I don't want to think about it right now. Let's do something fun instead!" Cope with difficult emotions when the baby is not with you.
- Rather than talking negatively about the other parent or making accusations, focus on your baby's health and well-being. If you truly believe your child is in danger or is being abused or neglected by the other parent, contact the authorities immediately.
Step 4. Adapt the conversations to the child's age
Alienating parents often share information with their children that they are not yet able to understand.
- They may also give the child the opportunity to make choices that he or she is not mature enough to make.
- For example, an alienating parent might ask the child to choose between the two of you or suggest that he or she can decide whether or not to follow the visiting regime established by the court.
- Another type of parental alienation is asking the child to secretly gather information against the other parent or try to have him testify against him. Children should never be involved in adult relationship problems.
- If your child asks questions about something the alienating parent said, be careful not to share information that may be unsuitable for their age. You can give an honest answer and at the same time explain that you will talk about it in more detail when it gets older.
Step 5. Request court orders prohibiting certain behaviors
If the other parent is engaging in specific alienating behavior, you can go to court and ask the judge to prohibit him from continuing.
- For example, if your ex-husband doesn't allow your daughter to take her favorite toys with her when she goes to him or to keep your gifts, this could be a sign of parental alienation. You can stop this behavior by asking the court to issue an order prohibiting your ex-husband from preventing the child from keeping her belongings with her.
- You can also ask the court to prohibit your ex-spouse from planning events or activities that conflict with the visiting schedule; or even to allow phone calls only at certain times of the day.
- If you are concerned about your child's safety or well-being when visiting your ex-spouse, you may want to ask the court to determine that the visits are supervised. The supervisor will not interfere with the time that the parent and the child spend together, but will keep an eye on your ex and will ensure that he is not alone with the child.
