To avoid being provoked by others, you will need to work on yourself and identify your insecurities before something stings you. When such an incident occurs, you should take a step back and take the opportunity to analyze your thoughts more carefully. Learn from each experience, so that you can protect your nerves better and better in the future.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Before
Step 1. Take responsibility for your reactions
First, you need to understand that no one can truly force you to feel one way or another. Ultimately, the only one responsible for your feelings and reactions is you.
You can't stop others from doing things that might provoke you, but you can avoid letting yourself touch a bare nerve
Step 2. Get rid of the desire to change others
Just as others cannot force you to react the way they want, neither can you force them to behave the way you want. Give up the idea of preventing someone from opposing you.
- Identify any desire you have to change someone, to hurt them just to feel good, to control them or force them to listen to you. Also, identify any expectations you have about how things "should" go between you and others.
- These desires can take the form of general tendencies or desires that apply only to certain people. Either way, you need to identify them and prevent yourself from clinging to them.
Step 3. Examine your exposed nerves
Think about the last time someone pissed you off and blew you up. Ask yourself what your pain points are and think about how to remedy them.
- Try to identify the source of your exposed nerves. Ask yourself what fear or insecurity relates to your essence.
- If you can't understand these things on your own, try talking to a counselor or friend who holds an objective point of view.
Step 4. Detach yourself from your ego
Remind yourself that the world does not revolve around you. You are as important as anyone else, but ultimately, the innate right to happiness and a general sense of well-being belong to you as to any other person.
Devote yourself to the idea of developing peaceful reactions. Repeat this commitment in your mind daily to help it take root
Step 5. Set limits
Think about the people who regularly provoke you and create healthy boundaries between you and them. You can't control their behavior, but you can limit their chances of getting irritated.
- People who just want to make you feel bad should be cut out of your life as completely as possible.
- A loved one who uses your own weaknesses against you for their own benefit may still occupy a place in your life, depending on the circumstances, but you will need to have a serious conversation about the problems that stand between you. If, even after you've exposed your boundaries, her behavior doesn't change, stop communicating anything to her that could later be used against you.
Step 6. Think positively
Your reactions are determined by your feelings, which in turn depend on your thoughts. Get in the habit of seeing things from a positive perspective on a regular basis to reduce the number of your sore spots.
- Thoughts generate emotions. Emotions give life to behavioral choices: each of those you make will produce a result, whether it be good or bad. If you have negative thoughts from the beginning, the result will probably be too. Conversely, positive thoughts will likely lead to positive outcomes.
- For example, if you have a distant friend who doesn't call or text you first, you might consider their behavior in a negative light. Still, it is possible that the same person will always answer you promptly and seriously. Focus on the latter, instead of maintaining a negative attitude.
Step 7. Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself
Often, respect breeds respect. Your treatment of others is what your actions deem acceptable.
Showing respect to someone is no guarantee that that same respect will be returned to you, especially if the other person has no intention of getting along with you. Nonetheless, respecting your loved ones and treating them correctly will usually encourage them to do the same
Part 2 of 3: During
Step 1. Give yourself some room to breathe
When someone says or does something that irritates you, walk away from the situation before you have a chance to react.
- By giving yourself time to process your feelings, you create a filter between the brain and the mouth. This filter can prevent you from reacting in a way that will make the situation worse.
- Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling in that moment. If you need to, cry, swear, or yell at a pillow.
- After letting go of your emotions, do something to calm yourself down. Meditate, practice deep breathing exercises, or go for a walk.
Step 2. Identify the pain
There are several types. Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling and why a certain situation caused you to feel that way.
- For this to work, you will need to stop blaming the person who provoked your hostility. Only by focusing on yourself can you adequately deal with your emotions.
- Among other things, your pain could be the consequence of your feeling misunderstood, alone, rejected, abandoned or neglected, or a sense of inadequacy. It could also be a mixture of different sensations.
Step 3. Connect the dots
Think back to the past and identify other occasions when you have felt the same way. Understand what connects all these seemingly isolated incidents.
- If you've done your homework previously, you may already have some idea what your pain points are. This will make it easier for you to link them to the incident in question.
- However, if you cannot make a connection between this problem and one of your bare nerves that you are already aware of, take the time to understand which one you have overlooked and what its origin is.
Step 4. Identify irrational feelings and thoughts
Take a step back and try to look at things from an impartial point of view. Ask yourself if any of your current feelings or thought processes are irrational in nature. Confront these unreasonable ideas.
- Ask yourself what meaning you have given to this particular pain. According to your instincts, what does the accident in question mean? Once you have precisely identified the meaning of the drama, you can determine whether your perception of it is actually right or correct.
- For example, an argument with your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean the entire relationship will fail, even if that's what your gut reaction tells you.
- Beware of emotional excesses. When things go wrong, a negative emotional reaction is healthy and normal, but if it grows to the point that it becomes difficult to manage, it could be an irrational response.
Step 5. Take a look at things from the opposite point of view
Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand the reason for their behavior.
- Ask yourself if the other person is facing a problem that may have caused their misconduct. As you acknowledge your pain, try to understand his pain too.
- Determine if the incident was accidental or intentional. You may find it easier to overcome this particular case if you realize that there was no ill will at its origin.
Step 6. Ask yourself what impact your own reaction has on you
Consider the effect you are having on yourself. You will likely find that your own reaction is hurting you more than it should.
Consider what might happen if you react the way your irrational responses dictate you. Ask yourself if the consequences would benefit you, individually, or your relationship with the other person involved - if the answer is no, your gut reaction is probably not very healthy
Step 7. Identify alternatives
Make a mental list of other reactions you might have developed following the incident in question. Scroll through this list and ask yourself what a better answer might consist of.
- While the details may vary from case to case, the basic alternatives available to you will be to vent your grief towards the other person or to remain calm despite how you feel.
- Also consider long-term alternatives. If you find it necessary, you can set boundaries in the future to limit both yourself and your antagonist.
Step 8. Make realistic conclusions
Go back to the irrational meanings and conclusions you identified earlier and change them so they become more realistic.
- Look at the conclusions you initially came to following the accident. Having already determined what the irrational aspects of your reaction are, you should already know what an unreasonable perspective looks like: from this knowledge, you are then able to develop a reasonable expectation.
- For example, after a long discussion, you may have come to the conclusion that your relationship is doomed to failure. Once you've identified this conclusion as irrational, you can come to the conclusion that arguments take place in any relationship and, often, can be resolved.
Part 3 of 3: After
Step 1. Acknowledge your victories
When you manage to avoid being provoked, congratulate yourself - this is something that requires a lot of discipline and to be proud of.
On the other hand, you also need to forgive yourself when you can't. If you make a mistake and explode after getting irritated, acknowledge failure and forgive yourself - only in this way can you get rid of a negative experience
Step 2. Be grateful for the lesson you have learned
Instead of viewing each incident as a useless test of your patience and goodwill, remind yourself that each of these occasions represents an opportunity to learn and become a better person.
- Reflect on each experience after its conclusion. Ask yourself if you have learned anything and apply the lessons you have learned to future incidents.
- Over time, you may find that old wounds begin to heal and that past misconceptions begin to correct themselves.
Step 3. Consider sharing your experiences
When someone gets on your nerves unwittingly, after calming down, turn to them and tell them what happened. By sharing your experience with the other person, you could help them learn a lesson. Also, you could strengthen the relationship between the two of you.
- The key factor is to approach the discussion honestly and calmly. To communicate truthfully, you need to take responsibility for the experience without blaming the other person in the slightest.
- Avoid doing this when dealing with someone who intentionally provokes you - such individuals are only interested in causing you pain, and may even be looking for a way to use this experience against you.
