Romantic relationships have regular ups and downs, but anger can be a serious threat that leads you to notice unacceptable sides of your partner, blame him right away, or hurl accusations against him. These attitudes risk ruining the relationship, so it is preferable to deal with the problem as soon as possible. If you want to overcome remorse, guilt and anger, learn how to resolve conflicts quickly and constructively.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Relieving Anger During a Quarrel
Step 1. Think before you speak
While it's easy and rewarding to vent your anger, think before you open your mouth. Put your thoughts in order before speaking to avoid saying something you might regret or that might offend your partner.
If you feel the need to react to a phrase or gesture from your partner, try taking a step back and gathering your ideas
Step 2. Breathe deeply
By focusing on the way you breathe, you can calm your body and mind. Use deep breathing to detach yourself from the situation you are experiencing and the immediate feeling of anger, directing your thinking inward.
- Practice deep breathing when you are calm. So, also try when you are angry or upset and you will notice the difference: you will calm down.
- When you start to get nervous, take a moment to breathe and calm down before going into a rage.
- For this breathing method to be effective, you need to use your diaphragm instead of your chest. In other words, you should be able to feel your stomach rising and falling (not your shoulders). Place a hand on your abdomen to feel this movement.
Step 3. Repeat a calming sentence
If you are having a hard time managing anger, use a word or phrase to remind yourself to stay calm. In this way, you will stay with your feet on the ground and prevent emotions from taking over.
- Think: "Relax", "I am calm" or "Calm down".
- Choose a specific word to keep anger at bay, especially when you feel it escalate.
Step 4. Express what you think calmly
You can safely say everything you feel even when you are angry. Try to express your wants, needs and feelings without blaming or hurting your partner. Take advantage of various opportunities to express yourself without attacking him.
Speak in first person. For example, instead of saying, "You make me mad", try "I'm really angry when you talk to me like this." By showing awareness of your state of mind, you will have a sense of mastery and will not tend to blame your partner
Step 5. Offer a break
If you are having a hard time managing anger, let the other person know that you need some time. If you are concerned about saying something offensive or need to get your thoughts and feelings in order, explain that you think your discussion is important, but that you want a break. Go out, get a little wet on your face or stretch your legs. Do whatever you can to calm down.
- You might say, "I know this is an important issue. However, I can't handle my anger right now. Can we talk about it again in 10 minutes or later in the evening?"
- Don't ask for a break to avoid the situation, just to control your emotions.
Part 2 of 3: Handling the Warning Signs
Step 1. Notice the red flags that indicate anger breaking out
While you may think this feeling comes suddenly, there are some clues that warn you when it is about to escalate. The body is able to communicate this even before your emotional reactions. So, keep an eye out for the following signs:
- Clenched fists or clenched jaw, muscle tension (for example, in the shoulders).
- Sensation of redness in the face.
- Fast breathing.
- Headache.
- Restlessness, increased need for movement.
- Palpitations.
Step 2. Recognize how you lose your temper
Anger reflects your state of mind, it doesn't depend on how someone else "makes" you feel. It belongs to you, not your partner. So, avoid blaming it and accept that it is up to you to handle it appropriately.
If you realize that it is a feeling that springs from within, then you will also be able to control it
Step 3. Learn to manage external factors
Recognize if something external is contributing to or worsening your outbursts. You've probably got little sleep, hungry, stressed out at work or school, and so on. If you notice that they increase when there is something else that stresses you (such as deadlines at work or the influence of children), realize that perhaps you are not managing your anger correctly and, as a result, you are dumping it on your partner. or about your relationship.
Observe your daily routine and identify the events or situations that trigger it. For example, it could be the stress of using public transport, dealing with rowdy children, or not getting a good night's sleep. Address these factors and find a healthy way to channel it while preventing your partner from paying the consequences
Step 4. Manage primary emotions
Anger is often a secondary emotion to other deeper emotions, such as sadness, guilt, shame, fear, pain or rejection. Ask yourself if your sense of irritation is a primary emotion or if it's a way to hide a different feeling. Maybe you use it because other emotions make you feel weak or vulnerable, while anger can be a kind of shield that makes you stronger.
- Ask yourself if you are actually angry or if you are reacting to a feeling of vulnerability, weakness, sadness or shame. When you are provoked, do you react by losing your temper?
- If anger is the only feeling you have systematically, it could be a screen to defend yourself from other emotions that make you feel more fragile.
- You may be afraid when you feel other emotions such as frailty, sadness, guilt, shame or a sense of defeat. Ask yourself what is holding you back from expressing them and try to express them even by writing in a simple diary. If you have trouble dealing with feelings other than anger, consult a therapist. It will allow you to get close to them and feel them without feeling disoriented or helpless.
Step 5. Identify maladaptive thoughts
Nothing can make you lose control but the way you perceive situations. Anger has more to do with interpretation than with what actually happens. Recognize to what extent your thoughts condition you to the point of making you angry and ask yourself how valid and adherent to reality they are. When you interact with your partner, your partner may provoke you, triggering your anger. Among the most common destructive mental patterns consider:
- Generalize: telling your partner that they ALWAYS behave a certain way or that they NEVER do something ("NEVER throw out the trash" or "You ALWAYS interrupt me when I talk").
- To blame: blaming others when something goes wrong. You could blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility for them (for example, if you forget your cell phone on the bus, you blame your partner for distracting you).
- Reading minds: Assuming that your partner is hurting you, ignoring you, or bothering you on purpose (for example, if he doesn't do the dishes, assume he wants to avoid this task in retaliation).
- Wait for the drop that breaks the camel's back: focus only on negative things or aspects that can irritate. Often, little things happen, one after another, until you are saturated and explode.
Step 6. Overcome negative mental patterns
Once you have identified your thought patterns, learn to react rationally. When you start blaming your partner for their mistakes or get defensive, start paying attention to the thoughts that affect your feelings. So, ask yourself a few questions.
- "Is the way I perceive the situation useful and accurate?".
- "Is there anything I can do about it?".
- "Is this feeling ruining my day? Is it something that deserves my attention?"
- "How important is it in the overall scheme of things? Is it something that affects my relationship considerably?"
- Ask yourself if this is a problem that deserves a waste of energy on your part. Otherwise, think, "It irritates me, but I can get over it."
Part 3 of 3: Avoiding Further Conflicts
Step 1. Prioritize your relationship
Don't just think about "being right", but have respect. If your priority is "getting it over", ask yourself if this attitude is not likely to ruin your relationship and if you intend to persevere in this way. The person next to you is likely to understand this and don't appreciate being put in second place after your need to get it right.
Step 2. Focus on the present
When you are angry, you will be tempted to bring up the past to take stock of the situation. It's a great way to spread the blame within a couple. However, if you'd rather avoid blaming your partner, stick to the present and don't drag other problems into your relationship. Try to resolve the issues of the moment.
If you lose sight of the real problem in a discussion, gently return to the main topic, saying, "Let's keep talking about the situation we face today."
Step 3. Listen actively
Avoid interrupting your partner while he is talking. Let him finish his speech, then think about what he said. This way, you will be able to analyze the situation well and understand his point of view.
Try saying, "If I understand correctly, you want me to consider your feelings more carefully without taking certain things for granted. Is that right?"
Step 4. Acknowledge your part
Be willing to admit your mistakes. Recognize the guesswork and misunderstandings you've fallen into and take responsibility for your words and behavior. You don't have to blame yourself for everything, just for your mistakes. Sincerely apologize to the person you love.
Step 5. Grant your forgiveness
Don't hold a grudge against your partner. Be tolerant and don't deny him forgiveness to punish him. Rather, see understanding as a way to free yourself from negative feelings about him.
Whether you want to forgive him or not, know that it is a personal choice that frees the other person from blame. It does not mean that you take full responsibility for what happened or that you gladly accept what happened. It just means you're willing to leave it behind
Step 6. Be conscientious
Be faithful to the changes you intend to make. Act accordingly and ask yourself why you intend to change the mental patterns that fuel your anger and how to proceed from week to week to achieve your goal. Ask yourself why you want to control this feeling and what the benefits will be for you, your partner and your relationship. You may also want to consider writing down your goals and putting them in a place where you keep an eye on them.
You can decide to involve your partner or choose someone to talk to openly about the changes you want to make in order to learn how to control anger. It needs to be someone you feel able to tell when and why you get angry and how you handle your outbursts
Step 7. Know when to seek professional help
If anger interferes in your relationship and leads you to hurt others, say or do things you regret, or are completely out of your control, try seeing a mental health professional. You can take individual therapy or join a self-help group made up of several people who want to learn how to manage their anger. You need to understand when this feeling is destructive, so don't feel embarrassed to ask for help for your own good and that of your relationship.
