If you want to please your boyfriend's mother as much as you would like her to like you, if you are anxious about meeting her for the first time and would like to make a good impression or if you have already met her and intend to try again after a start uncertain, using good manners, kindness and communication skills will build a good relationship with her.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Make a Good First Impression
Step 1. Get ready
Ask your boyfriend to talk to you about his mother to find out about her history and interests, get ideas for conversation, understand what are the topics to avoid and learn everything that can be useful for you to be well prepared for the first meeting. Here's what you should find out:
- Where he lived;
- What work has he done or does;
- Hobbies and interests;
- Food preferences, if a lunch or dinner is planned for the first meeting;
- Topics to avoid in conversation (for example, don't talk about dogs if you know she recently lost a pet she was very fond of).
Step 2. Greet her warmly
Say "good morning" or "good evening" with a warm smile and a friendly tone of voice, maintaining good eye contact and avoiding looking down or dodging her gaze. Shake her hand or hug her if that's the type, but don't feel like you have to do anything you don't feel like doing.
Step 3. Bring her a little thought
It doesn't have to be elaborate or too personal. If you bring something to eat, make sure he has no food intolerances. Here are some examples of what you could give her:
- Flowers;
- Chocolates or pastries;
- A bottle of wine, if he drinks alcohol (find out in advance through your boyfriend);
- A typical culinary specialty of your city;
- Homemade sweets;
- Your own creation, if you love DIY or art.
Step 4. Look after your appearance
Present yourself in your best image at your first meeting with her mother, dressed appropriately and opting for a more conventional look. However, remember that this does not mean either pretending or hiding your style or personality; for example, don't feel obligated to hide your tattoos if you walk away proud.
- Wear simple, light makeup if you use it.
- Make sure your hair is in order and doesn't cover your face - you'll feel more confident.
Step 5. Be polite
While good manners aren't necessarily noticed, rude behaviors are quickly detected, so smile, be polite and make sure you respect table etiquette: don't chew with your mouth open!
- Pay attention to how you speak. It is not the case that your boyfriend's mom finds out at the first meeting that you swear like a longshoreman!
- Compliment her. Even if you don't want to appear fake or flattering, your boyfriend's mother will appreciate a sincere compliment at the right time; for example, if she has a nice house, you can compliment her on her good taste by saying: "I think Marco is also good at furnishing: he will have inherited his good taste!".
Step 6. Avoid fuss with your boyfriend
Public displays of affection are not appropriate for the first time you meet your boyfriend's parents, because these are uncomfortable attitudes, just as you would feel if you saw their displays of affection. The meeting is meant to build a relationship with your boyfriend's mom, not between you and him, so hands off for a few hours!
Step 7. Remember that she is probably nervous too
He's getting to know his son's girlfriend and she'll want to make a good impression on you too, so smile and help her feel comfortable.
Method 2 of 4: Have Good Conversations
Step 1. Ask a lot of questions
Most people like to talk about themselves and usually get a better impression of the listener when the listener is willing to follow what others have to say.
Find out about her story and let her tell her favorite episodes from her life. Surely, she will be delighted to tell a story she cares about to a new audience
Step 2. Make sure you don't talk too much
When a person feels anxious, he tends to talk empty all the time: if you're that type, find a way to control yourself.
- For example, you could ask your boyfriend to follow your conversation and give you a cue, such as coughing or scratching your ear, when you talk too much.
- Also pay attention to the behavioral cues that indicate that the listener is losing interest, such as looking away, or gestures that indicate that he is unable to intervene, such as opening his mouth to say something but failing to do so.
Step 3. Find common interests
Find out in advance what his hobbies are by asking your boyfriend for information and, if you have something in common, be prepared to tell facts about you.
- Do you both like to travel? Ask her to tell the stories of her travels and ask her for advice, saying for example: "Marco told me that last year she went to Spain. I have never been there, which cities did she visit?".
- If you both follow football, talk about your favorite team or comment on recent matches.
Step 4. Be available
It's not time to rule everything yet, so do your best to keep the peace and continue to make a positive impression.
- Only talk about neutral topics: there is no need to discuss topics such as religion, politics or ex-boyfriends.
- Try to go beyond the statements you disagree with to continue the conversation; if it said: "Nowadays they are all on the phone" and you don't think the same way, you could say: "I feel the need to always have the phone with me because it contains a lot of important data!" rather than disagree and leave his statement pending.
- Change the subject if you are concerned that the discussion will lead to a dispute.
Step 5. Ask her questions about your boyfriend
She will like to tell you stories about him; moreover, it is your common interest!
- Get told about when he was a child.
- Ask her to tell you about family habits, such as holidays and favorite dishes.
Step 6. Remember that she has known your boyfriend longer than you have
Don't assume a know-it-all attitude when you talk to him, because he has known him since he was born, not for a few months like you.
- Don't correct her when she talks about her son's habits. If he makes scrambled eggs for him, but you know he only likes hard-boiled eggs lately, don't say anything; he can do it.
- Do not interfere in the relationship between mother and child. They have their own dynamics and their way of relating; you may not like the fussy way he criticizes him, but it's up to him to discuss it with his mother, not you.
Step 7. Check your sense of humor
Make sure you are not making jokes at her and not trespassing into inappropriate contexts, but instead understand her sense of humor and how far you can go.
Jokes about sexuality, religion or politics are to be avoided. Jokes that are overly sarcastic or disparaging people will not make a good impression on you
Method 3 of 4: Be Thoughtful
Step 1. Invite her
Offer to go to lunch with you and your boyfriend, visit a museum or some other kind of non-romantic date - she'll be happy to receive an invitation, even if she doesn't accept.
Step 2. Think about her
Keep your eyes open and look for ways to further develop your relationship with her; for example, let her know if you notice a special exhibition announcement and you know she loves art.
Step 3. Continue to share common interests
She'll appreciate the effort you put in to keeping the conversations alive during your interactions with her, so carry on talking about all the commonalities you can find, even if it's something as simple as sharing the same favorite TV show.
For example, you can say, "Ah, is she seeing Downton Abbey again? I think I am too, I miss her so much! What was her favorite character?"
Step 4. Ask her for advice
People like to feel useful and thoughtful - find out what she's an expert at and ask her for advice.
- For example, if she's an experienced cook, ask her to suggest a recipe for an easy-to-prepare dish to improve your cooking skills.
- If she's into gardening, ask her to show you the garden and give you advice on plants you might grow.
Step 5. Make yourself useful
Wash the dishes after having dinner at his house, bring a side dish or sweets when he invites you for lunch or takes out the garbage; if he tells you there is no need, do nothing.
Doing a household chore would also allow you to take a break from the conversation if you find it difficult to converse with her
Step 6. Invite her to dinner
Ask her to come to your house for dinner if you live with your boyfriend. There is no need to prepare an elaborate meal, and food ordered from outside may be fine, but make the effort to create a quiet and enjoyable evening.
Method 4 of 4: Rebuild a Relationship
Step 1. Release the tension
If you feel coldness or detachment in the interaction, she is likely to feel it too, but don't allow the discontent between you two to increase; after all, you may be dealing with each other for quite a while in the years to come, so do your part to iron out any conflicts.
For example, you could say, "Maria, I think we started off on the wrong foot; I respect her and want to have a good relationship with her: can we try again?"
Step 2. Apologize
Take responsibility for your behavior: If you've done something wrong with your boyfriend's mother, admit it and apologize, making sure you acknowledge the damage or annoyance you caused.
For example, you might say, "I admit I was rude by teasing her while she was driving - I know it wasn't funny and I hurt her feelings; I'm mortified."
Step 3. Make changes in the future
Understand what you can do to improve your relationship, whether it's changing a small behavior or changing your environment.
- For example, if you have drunk one glass too many and behaved deplorably in front of her, stop drinking in her presence and do your best to avoid any other annoying behavior.
- She may be fussy about food and not fully appreciate your cooking skills or the restaurants you choose, or she may be allergic to cats and your cat would try to jump on her lap when she came to visit, but be aware that sometimes it is enough that be in a place where you are more comfortable so that you complain less.
Step 4. Talk to her privately
You should argue with her alone, not in the presence of your boyfriend, because that way neither of you will try to get him to side with one side or the other.
Step 5. Talk to your boyfriend
Ask him to take care of the problem if you find that you are unable to communicate with his mother; it might be easier for him to talk to her, as he knows her well and understands her character better.
This is something you only need to do if you can't talk to her directly, because it's always preferable to deal with your relationship with her firsthand
Step 6. Forget it
If no strategy works, you don't have to go out of your way to please her, because changing your way of being for her will only increase your resentment. It doesn't matter if you don't become best friends, but make sure you are always kind and respectful to him, because he is still an important person in your boyfriend's life.
