How to be assertive (with pictures)

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

Being assertive falls exactly halfway between passivity and aggression. If you are passive, you will never get to express your needs; if you are aggressive, you will look like a bully and will likely misdirect your frustrations. If, on the other hand, you are assertive, you will be able to express your wishes while respecting the needs of others, and you will have a better chance of getting what you want and deserve.

Steps

Part 1 of 8: Understanding the Difference Between Assertiveness, Aggression and Passivity

Step 1. Learn to recognize assertive communication

This type of communication involves respecting the feelings, needs, wishes and opinions of others. An assertive communicator avoids infringing the rights of others, while affirming their own, seeking compromise in the process. Assertive communication uses actions and words to express needs and wants in a calm way, projecting a message of safety.

Step 2. Learn the verbal characteristics of assertive communication

Verbal cues that indicate assertiveness in communication convey respect, sincerity and decision. These signs can include:

• Relaxed and determined voice;
• Fluent and sincere language;
• Volume appropriate for the situation;
• Cooperative and constructive communication.

Step 3. Learn the non-verbal characteristics of assertive communication

Like verbal cues, non-verbal cues convey respect, sincerity, and confidence. Non-verbal characteristics can include:

• Receptive listening;
• Direct eye contact;
• Open body posture;
• Smiles of satisfaction;
• A frowning facial expression if you feel anger.

Step 4. Learn to recognize the thoughts associated with assertive communication

An assertive person will naturally be inclined to follow certain thought patterns, which indicate safety and respect for others. These thoughts include:

• "I will not be exploited and I will not attack other people"
• "I will enforce my rights in a respectful manner"
• "I will express myself in a direct and open way"

Step 5. Learn to recognize aggressive communication

Assertiveness can often be mistakenly confused with aggression, which results in a lack of respect for others. It is a complete lack of regard for the needs, feelings, desires, opinions and in some cases even the safety of other people. Aggressive communication can often be identified as anger, bullying, self-promotion, and manipulation.

• Verbal characteristics of aggressive communication can include: sarcastic or condescending comments, blaming the other person, yelling, threats, bragging, or the use of phrases that tend to belittle others.
• Non-verbal characteristics of aggressive communication can include: intrusion of personal space, clenching fists, folding arms, glaring at another person, or frowning.
• Thoughts associated with aggressive communication can include: "I feel powerful, and I will force other people to submit to my will", "I control other people", or "I refuse to be vulnerable".

Step 6. Learn to recognize passive communication

Silence and guesswork are the typical characteristics of the passive communication style. Those who communicate passively often do not respect themselves sufficiently, do not care about their opinions and needs, their feelings and desires. Passive communication involves considering your own wants and needs lower than those of others. Passivity deprives a person of power and allows others to decide the outcome of a situation.:

• The verbal characteristics of passive communication can include: hesitation, silence, self-criticism, or self-diminishing.
• Non-verbal characteristics of passive communication can include: looking away or looking down, hunched posture, folded arms, covering the mouth with the hand.
• Thoughts associated with passive communication can include: "I don't count" or "People think very badly of me."

Step 7. Think about your influences

From the earliest years of childhood, our behavior adapts to the responses received from the environment, family, peers, colleagues and authority figures. Communication styles, such as passivity, assertiveness, and aggression, can be extensions of cultural, generational and situational influences. Assertiveness is considered a desirable quality by Western societies.

It can be more difficult for older generations to act assertively. Men were once taught that expressing their emotions was a sign of weakness, while women were taught that stating their needs and opinions conveyed aggression. In some cases, it can be difficult for us to understand which behaviors are appropriate in different situations

Step 8. Don't feel guilty about your communication style

It's important not to feel guilty if you don't understand how to communicate assertively. Other communication styles can be part of a vicious cycle - you can break the cycle by learning new, assertive ways of thinking and behaving.

• If your family taught you to put the needs of others before your own from an early age, it may be difficult for you to adopt an assertive attitude.
• If your family or peer group used to resolve conflicts by screaming and arguing, you may have learned to handle conflict in this way.
• If your social group believed that negative emotions should be hidden, or if you've ever been ignored or ridiculed for expressing these kinds of feelings, you may have learned not to communicate negative emotions.

Part 2 of 8: Learning to Know Your Emotions

Step 1. Start writing a journal

In order to learn how to communicate assertively, it is important to learn how to effectively manage your emotions. For some people, simply understanding how their emotional processes develop may be enough to learn how to change the way they communicate with others and express their emotions more assertively. Keeping a journal can be the best option for learning about your behavior by recording situations and asking specific questions related to assertiveness.

Step 2. Identify situations as if you were filming a scene

Write down the situations that trigger your emotions. Just mention the facts and try not to give interpretations in the first phase. For example, write: "I asked my friend out for something to eat and she said no."

Step 3. Identify the emotions you felt in the situation

Be honest. Specify the emotions you recognized at the time and rate their intensity on a scale of 0 to 100 (absent to extremely intense). Make a completely honest estimate.

Step 4. Identify your behavior in reaction to the situation

Note the physical symptoms you may have been experiencing at the time. Ask yourself "What did I do?" and "What did I feel in my body?".

For example, if someone ignored a phone call from you, you may have felt stomach discomfort or tension in your shoulders

Step 5. Identify the thoughts you have been having during the situation

These thoughts can be assumptions, interpretations, beliefs, principles, and so on. Ask yourself "What was I thinking?" or "What was going through my head?". You could write, for example, "I agreed to go eat with her when she asked, so she should have said yes", or "Saying no was rude of her", or "Maybe she doesn't want to be mine anymore. friend".

Step 6. Evaluate the intensity of each thought

Use the 0 to 100 scale again. Mark a "0" if you didn't believe the thought, or "100" if you thought it was 100% true. Then ask yourself, "Am I thinking passively, aggressively, or assertively?" Write the answer to this question. Write the evidence for - or against - each thought. Consider if there may be other ways of interpreting the situation.

Step 7. Identify a more assertive response to your situation

To find a more balanced and assertive way of thinking and behaving, ask yourself, "What would have been a more assertive way of thinking or responding?"

Step 8. Re-evaluate your original emotions

After evaluating the situation, reconsider the intensity of your original emotions and what you believed in the situation. Again use the scale from 0 to 100.

Step 9. Try writing in your journal regularly

With this exercise, you will probably be able to reduce the intensity of your emotions. Evaluate your emotions, thoughts and reactions in different types of situations. If you keep practicing, you may start thinking and behaving more assertively.

Part 3 of 8: Learning to Communicate Effectively

Step 1. Learn about the benefits of assertive communication

Assertiveness is a style of communication that allows you to confidently express your needs and feelings, while at the same time remaining aware of the opinions, desires, needs and feelings of others. It is an alternative to passive or aggressive behavior. Learning to communicate assertively has many benefits:

• Effective and powerful communication;
• Safety;
• Increased self-esteem;
• Respect for others;
• Better decision-making skills;
• Reduction of stress due to the expectations of others;
• Ability to resolve conflicts;
• Increased respect for one's person;
• Feeling of being understood and in control of one's decisions, which replaces that of being ignored or forced;
• Reduced tendency to depression;
• Reduced likelihood of substance abuse.

Step 2. Say "no" when it comes to doing so

Saying no can be difficult for many people. But saying yes when you should say no can lead to unmotivated stress, resentment and anger towards other people. When you say no, it may be helpful to keep these tips in mind:

• Do it briefly;
• Be clear;
• Be honest;
• For example, if you don't have time to do someone a favor, you can simply say, "I can't this time. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I have too many things to do that day, and I don't have time."

Step 3. Stay calm and respect others

When you talk to someone, stay calm and respect them. This will allow the other person to pay attention to what you say and treat you with respect.

Try to breathe deeply if you feel anger rising. This way you can calm your body and not lose control

Step 4. Say simple sentences

Communication may seem simple to you, but much of what we want to communicate to other people - and what we are told - can be misunderstood. This can cause frustration and conflict in relationships with other people. When communicating with someone, state your feelings, wishes, opinions and needs in simple sentences. This will help the other person to clearly understand what you are asking.

Instead of talking to a family member with long sentences full of messages between the lines and indirect statements, you can be short and direct like this: "I love it when you just call me to talk! at work. It would be better if you called me in the evening."

Step 5. Use first person sentences to be assertive

Affirmations in the first person convey the message that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and thoughts. There are different types of first person affirmations suitable for different situations:

• Basic affirmations: This type of affirmation can be used in everyday situations to make your needs known, to praise, to give information or describe facts. You can also use them in situations where you want to reveal something about yourself, to relieve anxiety and be able to relax. They include: "I have to go at 6", or "I liked your presentation".
• Empathic affirmations: These particular statements contain elements that recognize other people's feelings, needs or wants, as well as affirm your wants and needs. They can be used to indicate a sensitivity about another person's position, such as "I know you are busy, but I need your help."
• Consequential Claims: this is the most powerful form of affirmation, often used as a last resort. These phrases can be considered aggressive if you don't pay attention to your non-verbal language. A consequential statement informs the other person of the penalty they would incur if they did not change their behavior; usually in a situation where he is not considering the rights of others. An example could be a work situation where procedures or guidelines are not followed: "If it happens again, I will have no choice but to resort to disciplinary action. I'd rather avoid it."
• Discrepancy Claims: This type of statement is used to indicate a discrepancy between previous agreements and what is happening. They are used to clarify misunderstandings or contradictions in behavior. You might say, "As I understand it, we agree that Project ABC was our number one priority. Now you are asking me to give Project XYZ more time. I would like you to clarify what our priority is now."
• Affirmations about negative feelings: This type of affirmation is used in situations where you have negative feelings towards another person (anger, resentment, pain). They allow you to communicate these feelings without releasing uncontrollably, and to warn the other person of the effects of their actions. You might say, "When you delay delivering your report, it means I have to work over the weekend. This bothers me, so in the future I'd like to get it by Thursday afternoon."

Step 6. Use appropriate body language

Always remember that, to be assertive, non-verbal communication is important. It is possible to think that you are acting assertively when in fact your attitude is passive or aggressive, if you do not pay attention to the non-verbal communication style.

• Keep a calm tone of voice and a neutral volume;
• Maintain eye contact
• Relax your face and body posture.

Step 7. Spend some time practicing assertive communication

It takes time and practice to adopt assertive behavior and turn it into second nature. Practice conversing in the mirror. Alternatively, try having a conversation with your therapist.

Part 4 of 8: Learning to Manage Stress

Step 1. Recognize the stress in your life

It can be difficult to keep emotions in check, and they can affect how we communicate. When we feel stressed or upset, our bodies go into stress mode, generating chemical and hormonal reactions that prepare us for a perceived threat. Your thoughts in this state are different from what you would have if you were in a state of calm, clarity and rationality, and this makes it more difficult to use assertiveness techniques.

Recognize the moments in life when you are stressed. Make a list of the things that contribute to your stressful state

Step 2. Try meditation

Relaxation techniques bring our body back to a balanced physiological state. Meditation, for example, has a calming effect on the brain, which lasts a long time after the session is over. It has a direct effect on the amygdala, the center in the brain responsible for emotional reasoning. Try to meditate every day for at least 5-10 minutes.

• Sit in a comfortable chair or on a cushion;
• Close your eyes and focus on how you feel. Pay attention to what you feel with touch, hearing and smell;
• Focus your attention on your breath. Inhale for a count of four, hold the breath for another four seconds, then inhale for another four seconds;
• When your mind wanders, let go of your thoughts without making judgments and focus again on the breath;
• You could add a mantra, or a phrase that makes you more peaceful and gives you positive feelings, such as "May I be at peace" or "May I be happy";
• You could also try guided meditation, which helps visualize soothing images.

Step 3. Practice deep breathing

When you find yourself in a stressful situation, deep breathing can help reduce stress and think more clearly. Take deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling in a slow and controlled way.

• Sit comfortably in a chair with your arms and legs crossed, feet flat on the ground and hands on your thighs. Gently close your eyes.
• Inhale through the nose, evaluating the quality of breathing.
• Slowly extend each inspiration by sinking each breath deeper into the abdomen. Pause briefly, then focus on smooth, steady release of air as you exhale.
• Start counting the rhythm of your breaths. Inhale for three seconds. Exhale for three seconds. Maintain slow, even and controlled breathing. Try not to speed it up.
• Follow this breathing rhythm for 10-15 minutes.
• When you're done, gently open your eyes. Relax for a moment. Then, slowly get up from your chair.

Step 4. Try progressive muscle relaxation

If meditation makes you nervous or if you think you don't have time to practice it properly, you can still relax with the progressive muscle relaxation technique. This technique activates the calming reaction of the body and brings it back to a physiological balance, thanks to the tension and relaxation of all the muscle groups in progression. To perform this technique in about 15-20 minutes:

• Find a comfortable position in a chair, with your feet flat on the ground, your hands on your thighs, and your eyes closed.
• Begin the exercise by clenching your fists, holding the position for 10 seconds. Then open your hands, relaxing them for 10 seconds. Repeat.
• Contract your forearm by bending your hand down and hold the position for 10 seconds. Release, and relax for another 10 seconds. Repeat.
• Continue with the rest of your body, stopping to contract and relax each muscle group. Start with the upper arms, then the shoulders, neck, head and face. Then continue with the chest, abdomen, back, buttocks, thighs, calves and feet.
• When your whole body is contracted, sit for a few minutes to enjoy the feeling of relaxation.
• Get up slowly to avoid dizziness (blood pressure drops when you relax) or to regenerate tension.
• If you don't have 15-20 minutes to complete the entire exercise, you can only relax the particularly tense muscle groups.

Part 5 of 8: Making Decisions Effectively

Step 1. Use the IDEAL decision model

Making decisions is a part of assertiveness. You will need to take control of your life and make the best decisions for you, instead of letting someone else do it for you or letting someone guide your choices against your will. By identifying the problem, you will be able to consider the critical elements that allow you to make good decisions. Niagara Region Public Health recommends using the IDEAL model:

• I - Identify the problem.
• D - Describe all possible solutions. They can include handling the situation on your own, asking someone to intervene, or doing nothing.
• E - Evaluate the consequences of each solution. Evaluate your feelings and needs to determine the best outcome for you.
• A - Take action. Choose a solution and try it out. Use first-person affirmations to express feelings and needs.
• L - Learn. Did the solution work? Consider why or why not. If it didn't work, start over by writing a list of possible solutions and analyzing them.

Step 2. Consider who needs to be involved

Your decision may affect multiple parties, but not all of them will necessarily have to be involved in the decision-making process. Get input from the people who need to be involved.

You should consider the other parts when making your decision, but you should always have the last word

Step 3. Try to understand the purpose of your decision

All decisions are motivated by the need to take a certain course of action. Determine the reasons for this course of action. This will ensure that the decision is the correct one.

Step 4. Make a timely decision

Procrastination can be a serious impediment to assertiveness. Don't make decisions at the last minute, or you may not have some of them left.

Part 6 of 8: Creating Healthy Limits

Step 1. Protect your physical and emotional space

Limits are the physical, emotional and intellectual barriers you create to protect yourself. Healthy boundaries help you protect your personal space, your self-esteem, and maintain your ability to separate your feelings from those of others. Unhealthy boundaries increase the likelihood of being adversely affected by the feelings, beliefs and behaviors of others.

Step 2. Plan your limits

When starting a conversation where you want to talk about your needs, it's important to know your boundaries in advance. Mentally preparing boundaries before a conversation will keep you from going off track and compromising your needs in the middle of a conversation because it's easier - or at least helps you - to avoid conflict.

If you're talking to your boss, limit yourself not to work over the weekend or overtime without a three-day notice. If you are talking to a friend, set yourself the limit of not going to pick her up at the airport until she understands that you too, sometimes, need her to give you a lift

Step 3. Learn to say no

If it doesn't feel right to do something, don't do it. It is not a sin to reject someone. Remember, the most important person in your life you are you. If you don't respect your wishes, why should other people do it?

• You may think that making everyone happy puts you in a good light in the eyes of other people, but unfortunately, being too generous usually has the opposite effect.
• People value only the things they invest time, energy, and money in, so if you are the only person who gives in the relationship, your esteem for that person will skyrocket and their esteem for you will drop. Show what you're worth. People may not accept your change or even be shocked by your transformation - but they will eventually learn to respect you.

Step 4. State your opinion in a respectful way

Don't be silent if you have something to say. Share your feelings freely - it's your right. Remember, there's nothing wrong with having an opinion. Just make sure you choose the right time to communicate it. Make it clear to everyone that what you are about to say is important and should be taken into consideration.

Practice in minor situations. Do all your friends love the new TV show everyone is talking about? Don't be afraid to admit it didn't make a good impression on you. Did anyone misunderstand what you said? Don't nod as if everything is fine; explain what you meant, even if the misunderstanding did no harm to anyone

Step 5. Identify your needs

What makes you happy and what are your needs? Knowing this will help you develop expectations that other people will need to follow in order to treat you the way you would like. Think about situations in which you don't feel that you are being treated with due respect or when you have felt that your feelings have not been taken into consideration. Then consider what might happen to make you feel more respected.

Step 6. Be honest with yourself about what you want

Acting confidently will do no good if you don't have a clear idea or if you always accept the state of affairs. People will only meet your needs if you tell them exactly what they are.

Offloading decisions to other people is a passive-aggressive way of reducing your responsibilities - and putting the consequences on someone else's shoulders. The next time your friends tell you where you want to go for dinner, don't answer "It's the same for me", but give a concrete answer

Step 7. Find solutions that will make both parties happy

A good approach is to adopt an "we" mentality and find solutions that make both parties happy, if the situation allows. In this way, everyone's feelings will be considered and listened to.

For example, if you accompany your colleague to work every day, but he never pays for gas, talk to him about this problem. You can say, "I don't mind giving you a ride from time to time. Owning a car is very expensive though, and I save you time and money by letting you not take the bus every day. week? I would appreciate it very much. " This way, you will recognize that your friend may not know how you feel. Now he is aware of the problem and it did not help to accuse him

Part 7 of 8: Project Security

Step 1. Assess your security level

Confidence in yourself is reflected in your ability to understand how you see yourself. This includes your perception of yourself and where you feel you are on the social ladder. If you see yourself in a negative light, you may have a hard time expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Additionally, you may feel intimidated or reluctant to ask questions when you want clarification, focus too much on your negative traits, and lack confidence in yourself. Having doubts about yourself prevents you from communicating assertively. Evaluate the safety of your vehicles by asking yourself these questions:

• Can you look other people in the eye?
• Do you project your voice correctly?
• Do you speak confidently (without using interlayers like "ie" or "er")?
• Is your posture upright and open?
• Do you have the ability to ask questions that clarify your doubts?
• Do you feel comfortable with other people?
• Are you able to say no when it is appropriate to do so?
• Are you able to express anger and annoyance appropriately?
• Do you give your opinion when you disagree with others?
• Do you defend yourself when you are accused of mistakes that are not your responsibility?
• If you answered no to three or fewer of these questions, you are a confident individual. If you answered no to 4-6 questions, there is a good chance that you see yourself in a negative light. If you answered no to more than seven questions, you probably suffer from severe self-esteem and confidence issues. You may often question your worth or see yourself as a low-level member of the social ladder.

Step 2. Adopt confident body language

Your attitude says a lot about you - well before you have a chance to open your mouth. Keep your shoulders straight and your head up. Avoid fiddling (keep your hands in your pockets if you have to) or cover your mouth when you speak. Look people in the eye when you speak, to indicate that you don't want to be neglected.

• Try not to show your emotions clearly, especially if you are nervous or uncertain. Hide the "warning signs" by checking your hands, feet, and facial expression so as not to betray your emotions.
• If looking people in the eye is a problem, practice wearing sunglasses before trying to do it without them. If you have to look away, look away, as if you are enraptured by your thoughts, and not downward.
• Even if you are nervous or confused, you can still behave confidently. You don't have to be ashamed to ask questions.

Step 3. Speak clearly and firmly

Being in a hurry when you speak means admitting that you don't expect people to have the time to listen to you. Speaking slowly, on the other hand, tells people it's worth waiting for. Use a clear, calm tone of voice. There is no need to speak loudly, but you will need to make sure everyone hears you.

• If people don't notice you, say "Excuse me" clearly and firmly. Don't apologize if you haven't done anything wrong, as you may be communicating to people that you are embarrassed just because you exist.
• Try to be concise when speaking. Even the safest person in the world will lose his audience if he doesn't get to the point in time.
• Avoid using interlayers like "ahem" or "that is" when trying to say something important. Make a conscious effort to eliminate these words from your vocabulary.

Step 4. Work on your appearance

As superficial as it may be, people judge you based on your appearance. Naturally confident and charismatic people can change the opinion of others, but everyone else is not so lucky. If you wear clothes that look like you've just gotten out of bed, or if you wear an inch of makeup in stilettos, the average person won't take you seriously. If, on the other hand, you appear to be ready to get busy, people will respect you more.

• Dressing well does not mean dressing elegantly. If you prefer casual attire, make sure you have clean, well-matched and ironed clothing that does not carry embarrassing writing or inappropriate images.
• Striving to look serious will make your claims more relevant.

Step 5. Prove what you are going to say in advance

It may seem silly to you, but if you want to project confidence, you should sound firm and confident when you speak. What better way to do it than by trying? You can practice in front of the mirror, recording your voice, or even with a trusted friend, pretending it's your boss, partner, or person you want to talk to.

When the time comes, remember how confident you looked during rehearsals and try to look even more confident when it counts

Part 8 of 8: Seeking Help

Step 1. Talk to a psychologist

If you think you need help becoming assertive, you may find it helpful to meet a professional. Psychologists have studied and are trained specifically to help people communicate in a healthy and meaningful way.

Step 2. Try assertiveness training

Many universities offer assertiveness courses to their students. These courses will help you practice assertiveness techniques and discuss situations where you feel you need help being assertive, as well as help you manage stress in different situations.

Step 3. Practice with a friend

Learning to be assertive takes practice and time. Ask a friend to help you practice your communication skills in various different scenarios. The more you deal with situations that require assertiveness, even if in a fictional scenario, the more confident you will feel.