Death is always an unfair event, whether it be expected or sudden. It is not fair to the missing person or to those who are left. If you want to recover from the loss of a loved one, you will probably have to go through the most difficult experience of your entire existence. However, even if you will miss it forever, there are some ways to move forward in life, while continuing to honor it and not isolating yourself from the world you live in.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Mourning
Step 1. Convince yourself that it is normal to suffer
Mourning is extremely painful. However, it is necessary to deal with it in order to recover and overcome the loss of an important person. Try resisting the urge to shut down, go numb, or pretend your loved one isn't dead. Do not deny that something bad has happened to you and that you are bad. It is healthy to mourn the disappearance of someone: it is not a sign of weakness.
Step 2. Expect to go through the five stages of grief
Although everyone experiences pain differently, people who experience pain often overcome it by going through the same stages. Not all psychologists support this theory, but recent studies show its effectiveness in analyzing how people feel when they bereave. If you learn to recognize these phases, you will prepare yourself to face the strong emotions that accompany them. Knowing them in advance will certainly not make the pain go away, but you may be well equipped when it comes to dealing with it.
It is not certain that you will go through the stages of pain in the standardized order. Sometimes, people who mourn someone's death go back to certain stages, stay in one stage for a long time, go through multiple stages at once, or go through them in a completely different order. Sometimes family members of the deceased manage to resume their lives very quickly without going through any of these steps. Remember that each individual suffers differently. However, by identifying how bereavement is usually characterized, you will be able to better understand your experience
Step 3. Prepare for rejection or disbelief
Immediately after your loved one goes missing, you may feel numb and even unable to believe that she is really gone. These feelings are more common among individuals suffering from the sudden loss of someone. Because of disbelief, you probably won't cry or be upset. It doesn't mean you don't care: in fact, this behavior indicates that the disappearance is causing you considerable difficulties. Rejection can help you get through the first few days of bereavement by allowing you to organize a funeral, contact other family members, or manage property issues. Funerals often help make death more real.
If you have been prepared for a long time that a loved one would pass away, you probably won't feel rejection or disbelief. For example, if you have been battling an incurable disease for a long time, you will no doubt have worked through your disbelief before its disappearance
Step 4. Expect to feel anger
Once you accept the reality, you may feel angry and direct your anger at everything: yourself, your family, your friends, people who have not been bereaved, doctors, funeral services, or even the loved one who is no more. Don't feel guilty about being angry. It is normal and healthy.
Step 5. Prepare to feel guilty
If you've just lost a loved one, you may start fantasizing about everything you could have done to avoid their death. You will surely feel remorse and try to "negotiate" his return. If you find yourself thinking, "If only I had acted differently" or "I promise to be a better person if he comes back", you are probably going through this phase of grief. Just remember that his disappearance is not a divine punishment against you: you have done nothing to deserve this pain. Death can be a random, sudden, and unreasonable event.
Step 6. Prepare to feel sad and depressed
This stage may be the longest of the whole grieving process. It can be accompanied by physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, insomnia and crying fits. You will likely feel the need to isolate yourself to mourn your loss and deal with your sadness. It is completely normal to feel sad and depressed, but if you realize that you are starting to engage in self-harming behaviors or losing the ability to live your life, you need to see a doctor or psychotherapist.
Step 7. Learn to accept the death of your loved one
It is usually the last step in the grieving process, and indicates that you have learned to live in the absence of the dead. While you will always miss her, you are able to establish a "new normal" without her presence. Sometimes people feel guilty about being able to rebuild a normal life after the death of a loved one and believe that moving forward is somehow a betrayal. However, remember that those who have left don't want you to be in mourning all the time. It is important that you live your life appreciating the memory and gifts your loved one gave you before you died.
Step 8. Don't fixate on time
Often, the grieving process takes about a year. However, pain can suddenly reappear many years after death: during holidays, anniversaries or even a particularly sad day. Keep in mind that you cannot get over bereavement by a specific date. Each person copes with pain differently and may continue to suffer for a lifetime.
While it's normal to suffer and feel sad for many years after a death, these feelings shouldn't stop you from leading a normal life. If you can't move on because of the pain you're experiencing - even several years after someone's death - perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist. Sadness will always be a part of your life, but it shouldn't be a dominant force that can affect it
Step 9. Relate to other people who are suffering in order to receive support
In many stages of grief, you will feel isolated and alone. Although much of this process occurs in solitude, you may find comfort in the company of other people who are mourning as much as you are over the disappearance of your loved one. Share your grief and happy memories of the deceased with those who offer you support. He will be able to understand what you are feeling like no one else could. Communicate your pain so that everyone can start moving on.
Step 10. Ask for help from those who are not suffering
Other people who are grieving are able to share your grief, but friends who are not directly touched by grief over someone's disappearance can also help you take the reins of your life back in hand. Don't hesitate to get in touch with them if you need help with your children, housekeeping or some distraction.
- Feel free to clearly state what you need. If you don't have food in the fridge, ask a friend to bring you something ready. If you don't have the energy to take your kids to school, ask a neighbor to do you this favor. You will be surprised how many people will come forward to support you.
- Don't feel embarrassed that you are in pain. You will likely burst into tears all of a sudden, telling the same stories over and over or expressing your anger in front of others. Don't be ashamed of these behaviors: they are normal and those who love you will understand.
Step 11. Seek professional help
Although most people suffer alone or with the support of friends and family, around 15-20% of bereaved people need additional help. If you feel isolated, live far from friends and family, or are having a hard time living again, perhaps you should seek professional help. Ask your doctor to recommend a bereavement therapist, support group, or psychologist who can help you process your pain.
If you are a believer or have a strong spirituality, you may want to contact a representative of your religious faith for some advice. Many spirit guides have experience with people who have gone through a bereavement and can offer comfort through their wisdom
Part 2 of 3: Changing the Absence of a Loved One's Life
Step 1. Take care of your body
In the days and weeks immediately following the death of your loved one, the routine your body was used to could be upset. You may have trouble eating, sleeping, and exercising. After some time has passed, you need to re-establish your habits in order to put your life back in the right direction.
Step 2. Eat three healthy meals a day
Even if you are not hungry, try to eat right at regular intervals. By consuming nutritious foods at specific times, you will improve your mood and regain a sense of normalcy after a traumatic incident.
Resist the urge to find solace in alcohol or drugs. Even if you feel like they give you some relief, they may hinder the recovery process in the long run. You will be able to regain control of your life if you re-establish healthy habits
Step 3. Train regularly
Exercise can act as a pleasant distraction from pain. By focusing your attention on the body, your mind will be able to take the break it needs, even if only for a few minutes. Physical activity can also keep you spirited, especially if you work out outdoors on a sunny day.
Step 4. Get 7-8 hours of sleep a night
While you may have trouble sleeping well during bereavement, there are ways you can try to get a better night's rest and reestablish your sleep cycle.
- Try to sleep in a cool, dark place;
- Avoid bright screens before bedtime;
- Establish some rituals before bed, such as reading a book or listening to a relaxing song before falling asleep.
- Avoid drinking alcohol and caffeine in the evening;
- If the missing person slept with you, consider sleeping on their side of the bed for some time. You will feel in touch with her and when you wake up you will not be surprised to see the side she occupied empty.
Step 5. Establish new patterns
If old habits keep you from moving on with life, find new patterns for a while. This does not mean abandoning the memory of the loved one. On the contrary, it leads you to reflect on your future.
- If you feel like you can't live because everything around the house reminds you of your loved one, consider arranging the furniture differently.
- If you used to watch a TV show with her, find a friend to watch it with.
- If a particular street corner brings back painful memories, take a different path.
- Keep in mind that you can return to your old habits once the pain subsides. You will not forget who you loved, but you will allow yourself to move forward. When you remember this, you will be able to feel joy rather than paralyzing sadness.
Step 6. Go back to your favorite activities
After the initial loss and pain, try to get back to your old habits. They will serve to distract you from the pain, allowing you to create a "new normal". They are especially important if they allow you to make new friends and socialize.
Step 7. Get back to work
After some time, you will probably want to get back to work, perhaps because you love your job or because you have to meet the expenses of everyday life. While the initial impact may be difficult, the work will allow you to focus on the future by taking your mind off the past.
- Ask if you can lighten your workload at first. Not necessarily that, as soon as you return to the office, you are completely ready to carry out your duties. Perhaps you could work part-time or request a reduction in tasks for a period. Talk to a manager about any changes it might make.
- Communicate your needs in the workplace. If you don't want to talk about your loved one, ask co-workers to avoid the topic. If, on the other hand, he wants to talk about her, an occupational psychologist could teach his colleagues the most appropriate approaches to discuss such a delicate topic.
Step 8. Don't suddenly make decisions that could change your life permanently
Maybe after the loss of a loved one you will want to sell your house or move to another city. However, these are not decisions to be made lightly, especially if you are emotionally troubled. Before making an important choice that will affect your life permanently, give yourself the time you need to consider the consequences of those decisions. Also consider discussing this with your therapist.
Step 9. Accept new experiences
If there's a place you'd like to visit or a hobby you've always wanted to pursue, now is the right time to get down to business. By having new experiences, you will not make the pain go away, but you will have the opportunity to meet new people and find other paths to happiness. You can also consider trying something new with other bereaved people to help each other move forward.
Step 10. Forgive yourself
After a loss, you may always feel distracted, make a few mistakes at work, or leave things lying around the house. Forgive yourself for any mistakes. It is normal and predictable. You can't pretend that nothing has happened and maybe it will take some time to get back to normal after your bereavement. So, don't hesitate to give it to yourself.
Step 11. Realize that the pain will not go away completely
Even after taking the reins of your life back in hand, it may reappear when you least expect it. Think of it as a wave that sometimes subsides and sometimes returns. Do not struggle with these feelings when they take over and, if necessary, ask your friends for help.
Part 3 of 3: Honoring the Memory of a Loved One
Step 1. Participate in funeral rites
Public displays of condolence not only serve to honor the deceased, but also allow those who live to accept a loss. Many rituals take place during a funeral ceremony. For example, by wearing a particular color of clothing or by reciting certain prayers together, a group of bereaved people creates an atmosphere of union around their grief. Regardless of the cultural aspects of those who are mourning a disappearance or those who have died, a ritual can be the first step towards recovery.
Step 2. Establish your personal rituals
According to some studies, prolonging a ritual behavior, especially after the funeral, can help those who have suffered a loss move on with life. Often these are particular gestures, shared between the person who mourns the death of someone and the one who has passed away, but they are important because they honor the memory of the deceased and, at the same time, allow those who survived to recover from the pain. You might consider a personal ritual:
- Touch an object that belonged to your loved one whenever you feel sad;
- Sit on his favorite park bench once a week;
- Listen to his favorite songs when you prepare something to eat;
- Say goodnight before falling asleep every night.
Step 3. Keep the memories of your loved one
As you move on with your life, you may find some joy in thinking about who is gone, rather than feeling sadness or pain. Accept this feeling of joy and happiness and think back to all the good that your loved one has done. To soothe sad memories and turn them into more pleasant emotions, find a way to preserve the memory of the deceased. You can also dwell on his memory and share it with other people.
Step 4. Create a scrapbook
Talk to friends and family about their best experiences with those who have disappeared. Did he have any jokes or anecdotes he liked to tell? Are there any photographs that have immortalized him laughing? Collect pictures, memories and quotes in an album. In the saddest days you can browse through it and remember the joy it brought into your life.
Step 5. Put some photos of your loved one indoors
Consider hanging a photograph of you together on a wall or make a photo album. Remember that his death was not a moment that defined his life. The time spent with you was much more important.
Step 6. Gather friends and family to share your memories
You don't need a material object to keep the memory of a loved one. Instead, try to bring everyone who loved her together so that you can share your experiences. Remember the good times, the laughter and his wise advice.
Step 7. Keep a journal
When you find yourself thinking about your loved one, write down everything that comes your way in a journal. You may come up with a wonderful experience you haven't remembered in a long time, or a time when you got mad at her and now feel the need to process that anger. Don't push these thoughts away, but accept them as part of your life and future.
If the idea of keeping a journal knocks you down, try to give yourself a method. For example, write for 10 minutes a day, use pre-structured sentences to organize your thoughts or start listing some aspects instead of writing complete sentences
Step 8. Think ahead
The most important thing is to keep moving on with life and find your own happiness. Your loved one would never accept that you get stuck in despair. Mourn his passing, overcome the pain and live your life. You can have a bright and happy future and in the meantime carry with you the memory of those who have passed away.
Advice
- Overcoming the death of someone you love doesn't mean abandoning them. Rather, it means that you are accepting his life more than his death.
- Even if you feel like you've accepted his disappearance, the pain may reappear, sometimes surprisingly and unexpectedly. This is normal during grieving.
- In difficult times, reach out to friends, family, church, or your spiritual community.
