Listening is an essential part of communication and is different from "hearing". Being a patient listener will not only help you solve many problems at work (or at home), but it will make you see the world through the eyes of others, increasing your level of empathy. On top of that, listening is a good way to learn. While it seems easy, knowing how to really listen, especially in situations of tension or contrast, requires effort and a lot of practice.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Listening with an Open Mind
Step 1. Put yourself in the other person's shoes
It is very easy to know why what another person says to you has a certain effect on you and how it makes you feel. What is more difficult is putting yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to understand their point of view. It is not a good idea to consider yourself smarter or smarter than others, saying that in their shoes you would have behaved differently and solved the problem faster.
- Remember that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. It is better to listen than to speak. People who listen more are more attentive and therefore more reflective and have a better understanding of things. Make sure you are really listening and not doing something else. Make sure that you are completely focused on the person who is speaking and that you are not distracted. Stand still in one place and listen while also making eye contact so the person knows you are listening. Even if it is boring for you, your listening can be essential for your interlocutor.
- Instead of immediately judging the person who is speaking or coming up with a "solution" immediately, take the time to listen and look at the situation from the other person's point of view. This will help you to truly perceive the person, instead of forming your own opinion before you even understand the real situation.
Step 2. Avoid comparing the experiences of others with yours, even if you believe it is essential for active listening
Nothing further from the truth. If the person is talking about facing a death in the family, it is possible to share some wisdom, but avoid saying that it is exactly as it was with you. This can be perceived as offensive or insensitive, especially when it is something really serious: if you compare your less intense experience, for example a divorce of your interlocutor compared to your three-month relationship, this can cause discomfort to the other person.
- You may believe this is the best way to be helpful and deal with the situation, but this kind of thinking is actually an understatement and it may seem like you're not really listening.
- Avoid saying "I" or "me" often. This is a surefire indicator that you are focusing more on yourself than on the person's situation.
- Of course, if the person knows you have had a similar experience, then they can ask for your opinion. In this case, he can offer it, but be cautious, because your experiences may not necessarily correspond exactly to those of others.
Step 3. Don't try to help immediately
Some think that while they are listening, their gears should also be turning to find a quick and easy solution to the problem. Instead, you should take stock of what you feel and take the time to weigh a "solution" when the person speaks - and only if the person is really looking for this kind of help. If you frantically think about all the quick fixes to solve your interlocutor's problems, then you are not really listening.
Concentrate on absorbing everything the person is telling you. Only then can you really try to help her
Step 4. Sympathize
Show your interlocutor that you care what he says with a nod at the appropriate time so that he knows that you are listening. Try to say even small things like a "yes" when he is talking about something he wants you to agree on (you can tell by his tone of voice) or an "oh, no" when he talks about a tragedy or negative event in his. comparisons. By saying these words, you not only show that you are listening, but also that you are paying attention. Say them at the appropriate time and softly so that you don't interrupt or sound overbearing. Try to appeal to your sensitive side and comfort the person in case of danger. But, on the other hand, most people don't want to be pitied. So comfort her, but without flaunting superiority.
Step 5. Remember what you were told
An important part of being a good listener is actually absorbing the information that the person in question has exposed to you. So if he is telling you about his problems with his best friend, Mario, whom you have never met before, at least try to remember his name, so that you can refer to him: it will seem that you know the situation better.. If you don't remember any important names, details or events, then it won't sound like you're listening.
It's okay if you don't have an iron memory. However, if you always have to interrupt and ask for clarification or forget who is talking about, then you will certainly not emerge as a great listener. You don't have to remember every little detail, but you don't have to remember things over and over again
Step 6. Follow up
Another important part of being a good listener is going beyond just listening, beyond a conversation that will no longer be thought of. If you really want to show attention, you should ask for updates on the situation the next time you are alone with that person or even text them or give them a call to see how the situation is progressing. If it's something serious, like an upcoming divorce, a job search, or even a health complication, it can be very pleasant to show that you care, even when it's not asked for. Don't be discouraged, though, if the follow-up isn't welcome - accept her decision, but assure her you'll always be there to support her.
- The person who spoke to you may be moved by your effort to actually think about them, beyond your conversation, and also by your attempt to see how they are doing. This takes listening skills to the next level.
- Of course, there is a noticeable difference between supporting and annoying the person. If the person has told you that they want to quit their job, you probably don't want to text a day asking if they have yet to or you will put unnecessary pressure on the situation and create stress instead of helping.
Step 7. Know what not to do
Knowing what to avoid when trying to be a good listener can be almost as useful as knowing what to do. If you want the interlocutor to take you seriously and think you are respectful, there are some general things to avoid:
- Don't interrupt in the middle of an argument.
- Don't question the person. Instead, ask questions gently, when necessary (perhaps in the pauses when he is not speaking).
- Don't try to change the subject, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable.
- Avoid saying "It's not the end of the world" or "You'll feel better in the morning". This only minimizes the other's problems and makes him feel uncomfortable.
Part 2 of 3: Know What To Say
Step 1. Be silent at first
It might seem obvious and trivial, but one of the biggest obstacles to listening is resisting the urge to voice impulsive thoughts. Likewise, many people falsely express empathy by sharing their similar experiences. Instinctive responses can also be helpful, but they are usually misused and ultimately abused.
Put your needs aside and wait patiently for the other person to express their thoughts at their own pace and in their own way
Step 2. Reassure the person of your confidentiality
If he is telling you something important or rather private, then you should make it clear that you are trustworthy and that you can keep your mouth shut. Tell her that she can trust you and that everything that is said will stay between you two. If the person is unsure or can't really trust you, then they will be less likely to open up. You also don't have to force anyone to open up, as this can make you uncomfortable or angry.
Of course, when you say that what is being told to you will remain confidential, it should be true, unless there are circumstances that prevent you from keeping it to yourself, such as a suicidal tendency that makes you deeply concerned. If you can't really be trusted in general, though, then you'll never be a good listener
Step 3. Be encouraging when you speak
It is important to use empathic responses at appropriate intervals during the conversation, so that the interlocutor perceives that you are listening. It is helpful to "repeat and encourage" or "summarize and restate" the main points. This will help the conversation flow and make the interlocutor more aware of what he is saying. Here's what you need to do:
- Repeat and encourage: Repeat some phrases said to the interlocutor. At the same time encourage him with positive feedback; for example, you might say, "I guess it wasn't easy to take the blame, now I understand why". Use this technique sparingly if you don't want to sound too pushy or presumptuous.
- Summarize to Reword: Summarizing what you are told and rephrasing it in other words can be an effective technique. It gives the interlocutor the certainty that you have listened to his speech. At the same time, it allows the speaker to correct points you have misinterpreted. This is a very useful system when the interlocutor's speech begins to bore you or frustrate you.
- Make sure you leave the door wide open with statements like "I may be wrong, but …" or "Correct me if I'm wrong". This technique is particularly useful when you feel frustrated or feel that your listening attention is wavering.
Step 4. Ask pertinent questions
Don't give the person the third degree by forcing them to get defensive. Use questions to prompt the other person to draw their own conclusions about the situation. This can help you draw your own conclusions without sounding too strong or judgmental. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Once the "empathic listening" technique has been used, the time has come to strengthen the communication process through questions aimed at taking stock of the situation. For example: "I know it was not easy for you to take the blame, but I don't understand why you should feel guilty instead of considering the criticism that was made of you in a constructive way."
- By rephrasing the question in this way, you shift the interlocutor from a purely emotional level to a more constructive one.
Step 5. Wait for the other person to open up
When you encourage as a function of a constructive response, you must be patient and allow time for the interlocutor to organize their ideas, opinions and feelings. These may seem like a thread at first and the full flow can take a long time to develop. If you press too early and ask too many personal questions, you can actually get the opposite of the desired effect and can make the person feel defensive, reluctant to share any information.
Be patient and put yourself in the shoes of the teller. Sometimes it helps to imagine why he did this in such a situation
Step 6. Do not interrupt the interlocutor by communicating your feelings or opinions about the fact that he is telling you
Wait for the other person to ask you to express them. Active listening requires you to interrupt the flow of your thoughts and take advantage of the pauses granted by the interlocutor to summarize and take stock of the situation.
- If you interrupt the person too soon, then they will be frustrated and will not fully absorb what you are saying. The person will be eager to conclude by stating that you are causing annoyance and distraction.
- Refrain from giving direct advice (unless specifically requested). Instead, let the other talk about the situation and find their own way. This will strengthen both of them. This process will likely result in beneficial change and better self-understanding for both of you.
Step 7. Try to reassure the other person
Regardless of how the conversation ends, let the other person know that you enjoyed listening to him. Let him know that you are ready to listen to him again in the future, but that you are not going to put pressure on him. In addition to this, reassure him that the conversation will remain confidential. If you have the opportunity, offer practical help to solve the problem. Don't create false hopes; if the only way you can offer your help is to keep listening to him, let him know.
- You can even caress the other's hand or knee, put your arm around him or give him another reassuring touch. You have to do whatever is appropriate for the situation. You certainly don't want to push the boundaries when it comes to touching!
- If you have the opportunity, offer practical help to solve the problem. Don't create false hopes; if the only way you can offer your help is to keep listening to him, let him know. However, it is a great help.
Step 8. When giving advice, remember that it is neutral and not too influenced by your personal experiences
Think about what is best for the person in question rather than what you have done, although that can help.
Part 3 of 3: Use Appropriate Body Language
Step 1. Make eye contact
Eye contact is important when you are listening. If you give your friend the impression that you are not interested and you are distracted, he will never be able to open up again. When someone is talking to you, focus directly on their eyes so they know for sure that you are absorbing every single word. Even if the topic is not interesting to you, at least respect and really listen to what your interlocutor has to say.
Focus your eyes, ears and thoughts only on him / her and become a good listener. Don't stop to think about what you will say next, but instead, focus completely on what the other person is saying to you. (Remember it's all about who you are talking to, not you.)
Step 2. Give your interlocutor your full attention
If you want to be a good listener, it is important to create a favorable physical and mental space. Remove all distractions and focus all your attention on the person who has something to tell you. Turn off electronic devices (including cell phones) and agree to speak in a distraction-free place. Once you are face to face, calm your mind and open yourself completely to whatever the person may say.
- Choose a place that is free of distractions or other people who might get your attention. If you go to a cafe, make sure you focus on the person who is talking, not the interesting characters who come and go.
- If you are talking in a public place like a restaurant or cafe, avoid sitting near the TV. Even if you are determined to give the person your full attention, it may be tempting to take a quick look at the television, especially if your favorite team is playing.
Step 3. Follow the interlocutor as he speaks and encourage him with body language
Noding indicates that you are following his speech and will encourage him to continue. Adopting an attitude or the same position as the person speaking to you (mirror technique) will make them relax and open up even more. Try looking her straight in the eye. Not only does it show that you listen to it, but also that you are really interested in what you are told.
- Another way to have encouraging body language is to shift your body towards each other. If, on the other hand, you are turned around, then it may seem that you want to leave. If you cross your legs, for example, point one towards the interlocutor instead of spacing it out.
- Don't even cross your arms over your chest. This will make you appear unfriendly or skeptical even if you don't actually feel that way.
Step 4. Listen actively to express your interest
Active listening involves the entire body and face - yours and the interlocutor. You can make it clear that you have understood every word that is said to you. Here's how you can do your best to become an active listener:
- Your Words: Even if you don't have to say "Mmmhm", "I understand" or "Right" every five seconds because it would get annoying, you can always throw an encouraging phrase here and there to show that you are paying attention.
- Your expression: Look interested and meet the other's gaze from time to time. Don't overwhelm it staring intently, but reflect friendliness and openness to what you are hearing.
- Read between the lines: you must always be attentive to the unspoken things and the ideas that can help you evaluate the true feelings of the interlocutor. Look at her facial and body expressions to try and gather all the information you can, not just the words. Imagine what kind of mood would have made you acquire those expressions, that body language and that tone.
- Talk at the same energy level as the other person. This way, he will know that the message has arrived and that there is no need to repeat.
Step 5. Don't expect it to open immediately
Just be patient and willing to listen, without giving advice.
Try to repeat what the other person is saying to confirm the exact meaning. Sometimes words can mean two different things. The best way to confirm and avoid misunderstandings is to repeat what the other person is saying so that the interlocutor knows that you are listening to him and that you have the same idea
Advice
- The more difficult it is to listen, the more listening becomes important.
- Being a good listener is one of the most important skills if you want to advance careers and build meaningful relationships with people.
- Do not be "parrot" by repeating the sentences spoken by the interlocutor word for word. It turns out quite annoying to whoever is talking to you.
- When you look at the person you are listening to you make eye contact with them; look her in the eye. It will show him that you are 100% focused on what he is saying. Either way, avoid staring for too long or making unintentional expressions of disbelief or disappointment.
- Remember that sometimes we have to listen "between the lines," but that at other times we have to assume what is being said literally and without judgment whatsoever.
- If you think about what you will say after the person has finished speaking, you are not really listening.
- Don't trivialize. Avoid comments like, "Millions of people have the same problem, so you shouldn't worry."
- If you're not in the mood to listen, postpone the conversation for another time. It's best not to talk if you don't feel ready and believe you are being distracted by your personal emotions and worries.
- Refrain from imposing advice.
- Don't interrupt the person speaking by asking questions or telling your story.
Warnings
- Even if the story he / she shares is "too long" for you to be interested in it, do your best and listen to what he / she is saying. You may not know, but there is a good chance that you are greatly appreciated for your listening. This strengthens the bond of the relationship you have.
- Look for eye contact. If you don't look the person in the eye, they may assume that you are not listening.
- Avoid phrases that suggest that you haven't listened carefully enough, for example: "Ok, but…".
- If you find yourself formulating an answer before the person has finished speaking, you are not actually listening. Try to wait before intervening. Clear your mind and start over.
- Try not to talk a lot when the person talking to you is telling you something that is very important to them. They feel like confiding in you to tell you something that is precious to them, and if you disrespect them in some way or act like you don't care (even if you don't do it on purpose) then they won't feel like telling you anything more. This could damage your friendship or minimize the chances of becoming friends. If the subject is very important to them, you can use some comments that relate to their facial emotions and try to agree.
