Apologizing means expressing remorse for a mistake made, so it serves to redress a relationship after committing a wrong. Forgiveness occurs when the injured person is motivated to recover the relationship with the one who inflicted the damage. A good excuse conveys three things: repentance, responsibility, and a willingness to make up for it. Apologizing for a mistake may seem difficult, but it will help you repair and improve your interpersonal relationships.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making the Excuse
Step 1. Give up the idea that you are right
Arguing over the details of an experience that involves more than one person is usually frustrating, since it is quite subjective. The way in which situations are lived and interpreted is individual, so two people can elaborate the same circumstance quite differently. An apology must acknowledge the validity of the other person's feelings, regardless of what they think.
For example, imagine you went to the movies without your partner. She felt neglected and hurt. Instead of arguing about his right to feel this way or your right to go out alone, acknowledge his feelings when you apologize
Step 2. Use first-person sentences
When apologizing, one of the most common mistakes is using "you" instead of "I" in your sentences. If you apologize, you must accept the responsibility that comes with your actions. Do not blame the offense on the other person. Focus on what you did, and don't look like you blame her.
- For example, a very common but ineffective way to apologize is to say phrases like "I'm sorry that you you both felt hurt "or" I'm sorry that you he's in so much pain. "You don't have to excuse the other person's emotions. You have to admit your responsibility. These kinds of phrases don't have that effect - they drop the blame on the offended person.
- Instead, focus on yourself. "I'm sorry I hurt you" and "I'm sorry my actions caused so much suffering" express responsibility for the damage done, and don't give the idea of blaming your interlocutor.
Step 3. Avoid justifying your actions
When you apologize and explain your behavior to the other person, it is normal to want to justify it. However, making excuses often negates the meaning of an apology, as your interlocutor may find it insincere.
For example, when you say that this person has misunderstood you, you are only justifying yourself. Example: "You took it the wrong way". The same is true when you deny having offended her, such as "I don't see anything wrong with it", or you act as if you were the victim of the situation: "I was hurt, so I couldn't help it."
Step 4. Use excuses carefully
When you apologize, you generally express that your offense was not intentional or aimed at harming this person. This can be helpful in reassuring her that you care about her and that you didn't intend to harm her. However, you must prevent the reasons for your behavior from turning into excuses, mitigating the mistake made.
- For example, some excuses deny the intent, such as "I didn't mean to hurt you" or "It was an accident." An apology could also negate the willingness to harm the other person: "I was drunk and didn't know what I was saying." Use these types of statements carefully, and make sure you always acknowledge wrongdoing before explaining the reasons for your behavior.
- The injured person will be more likely to forgive you if you offer an apology instead of an excuse. The chances of being forgiven will increase if such apologies are combined with accepting your responsibility, admitting wrongdoing, acknowledging what the right behavior would be, and ensuring that you are correct in the future.
Step 5. Avoid the "but"
An excuse that includes the conjunction "but" is almost never interpreted as such. This happens because the word is known to erase everything that was said before it. In fact, it shifts the focus from what should be the sense of excuse, that is, to take responsibility and express remorse, to pure and simple self-justification. When a person hears the term "but", they tend to stop listening. From that point on, he only hears "But everything that happened is actually your fault."
- For example, don't say phrases like "I'm sorry, but I was tired". This emphasizes your excuse for hurting the other person, not focusing on your repentance for hurting the other person.
- Instead, make a statement like, "I'm sorry I verbally assaulted you. I know I hurt your feelings. I was tired and said something I regretted."
Step 6. Consider the other person's needs and character
According to some studies, your self-concept affects how you accept an excuse. In other words, how an individual perceives himself in relation to you and others has an impact on the type of excuse that will be most effective.
- For example, some people are quite independent and attach importance to factors such as individual benefits and rights. These individuals are more likely to accept an excuse to offer a specific solution for the damage done.
- People who place greater emphasis on their close interpersonal relationships are more likely to accept an excuse to express sympathy and regret.
- Some place particular emphasis on social rules and norms, imagining themselves as part of a larger social group. Such people are more likely to accept an excuse that acknowledges the violation of those values or rules.
- If you don't know this person that much, try to incorporate a little bit of everything. These excuses probably recognize the core values of the individual you want to forgive yourself by.
Step 7. If you want, write your excuse
If you find it difficult to collect the words needed to apologize, you may want to put your feelings on paper. This ensures that you express your ideas and moods correctly. Take your time to understand exactly why you felt compelled to apologize, and what you will do to make sure it doesn't happen again.
- If you are afraid of being carried away by emotions, you can take these notes with you. The other person may also appreciate the care you put into making the excuse.
- If you think you're going to make some mistakes while apologizing, you might want to work it out with a good friend. You don't have to practice so hard that the excuse seems forced or recited, but either way, it might be helpful to try it out with someone and ask them for their opinions.
Part 2 of 3: Apologize at the Right Time and in the Right Place
Step 1. Find the right time
Even if you immediately regret something, an apology may not be effective if it is expressed in the midst of a highly emotionally charged situation. For example, if you are still arguing with someone, the excuse may be ignored. This happens because it is very difficult to listen carefully to others when overwhelmed by a negative emotion. Before apologizing, wait until both of you have calmed down.
- Also, if you apologize while overwhelmed with a whole host of emotions, it may be difficult to convey sincerity. Waiting until you have recovered will help you say what you really mean and make sure the excuse is meaningful and complete. Only one thing: don't wait too long. Postponing it for days or weeks can be just as damaging.
- In professional settings, it is best to apologize as soon as possible once you have made a mistake. This allows you not to disturb the flow of the work.
Step 2. Do it in person
It is much easier to communicate sincerity when you personally apologize. Much of human communication is non-verbal, and is expressed through body language, facial expressions and gestures. Whenever you can, apologize in person.
If you can't apologize in person, use the phone. Your tone of voice will help convey your honesty
Step 3. Choose a quiet or private place to apologize
An apology is often a very personal act. Finding a calm, intimate place to express yourself will help you focus on the other person and avoid distractions.
Choose a space that you relax, and make sure you have enough time so you don't feel rushed
Step 4. Make sure you have enough time to conduct a full conversation
Hasty excuses are often ineffective, because an apology must consist of several stages. You need to fully acknowledge the offense, explain what happened, express repentance, and show that you will act differently in the future.
You should also choose a time when you don't feel rushed or stressed. If you think about all the other commitments you still have, you will not focus on the excuse, and your interlocutor will feel this distance
Part 3 of 3: Apologize
Step 1. Be open and don't threaten
This type of communication is defined as supplementary; it involves an open and unthreatened discussion of issues to achieve mutual understanding, or integration. Integrative techniques have been shown to have long-term positive effects on relationships.
For example, if the person you hurt tries to bring up a series of past behaviors that they believe are related to your mistake, let them stop talking. Pause before he answers. Consider his statements, and try to see the situation from his perspective, even if you disagree. Don't verbally attack her, yell at her, or insult her
Step 2. Use open and humble body language
The non-verbal communication you convey while apologizing is just as important as your words, if not more so. Avoid drooping your shoulders or hunching over, as this may indicate closing in on the conversation.
- As you speak and listen, look the other person in the eye. You should make eye contact at least 50% of the time you speak and at least 70% of the time you listen.
- Don't cross your arms. This indicates that you have become defensive and closed yourself in front of the other person.
- Try to relax your face. You don't have to force a smile, but if you feel like you've put on a bitter expression or a grimace, take a moment to relax your muscles.
- If you want to gesticulate, keep your palms open, don't clench your hands into fists.
- If the person is next to you and it is appropriate to do so, touch them to convey your emotions. A hug or a gentle caress on your arm or hand can communicate your love for her.
Step 3. Affirm your remorse
Express empathy with the other person. Recognize the pain or damage you have done. Validate the feelings of your interlocutor, state that they are real and important.
- Studies have shown that when an apology appears to be supported by feelings such as guilt or shame, the injured party is more likely to accept it. In contrast, compassionate apologies are less likely to be accepted because they seem less sincere.
- For example, you might start apologizing by saying, "I deeply regret hurting you yesterday. I feel terrible for hurting you."
Step 4. Accept responsibility for your actions
When you admit it, be as specific as possible. Precise apologies are often more meaningful to the other person, because they show that you paid attention to the situation that hurt them.
- Try not to generalize too much. Saying phrases like "I'm a bad person" isn't truthful, and doesn't show concern for the specific behavior or situation that caused the damage. Overdoing the generalizations makes it almost impossible to elaborate the problem; you cannot easily resolve the fact that you are a bad person, while you can remedy a particular difficulty, such as the lack of attention that you usually show when faced with someone else's needs.
- For example, go on with the excuse by defining what hurt her specifically: "I deeply regret hurting you yesterday. I feel terrible for hurting you. I should never have verbally attacked you for picking me up late."
Step 5. State how you will remedy the situation
Apologies are more likely to be accepted when suggesting specific changes that will be made in the future or solutions that will remedy the offense.
- Identify the underlying problem, describe it to the person concerned without blaming anyone else. Tell him what you intend to do to fix the problem so you can avoid repeating the mistake in the future.
- Example: "I deeply regret hurting you yesterday. I feel terrible for hurting you. I never should have verbally attacked you for picking me up late. In the future, I'll think twice before opening my mouth."
Step 6. Listen to the other person
Your interlocutor will probably want to express his or her state of mind about it. Maybe it's still sad. You may have other questions to ask yourself. Do your best to stay calm and open.
- If the other person is still angry with you, they may react in an unfavorable way. If he yells at you or insulted you, these negative feelings could prevent forgiveness. Take a break or try to steer the conversation towards a more productive topic.
- To take a break, express solidarity and offer a choice. Try not to give your interlocutor the feeling that you are blaming him. For example, you can say, "I clearly hurt you, and I think you are still in pain. Could it be helpful for you to take a little break? I want to understand what you believe and feel, but I also want you to be comfortable."
- To save the conversation from negativity, try to figure out what specific past behaviors the other person wants you to replace. For example, if he says something like "You never respect me," you might respond by asking, "What would help you feel respected in the future?" or "What would you like me to do differently next time?".
Step 7. Conclude by showing gratitude
Express appreciation for the role it plays in your life, pointing out that you don't want to endanger or damage your relationship. This is a good time to briefly recall the pillars that have created and sustained your bond over time. Emphasize the affection you have for this person. Describe the reasons why your life would not be complete without her trust and companionship.
Step 8. Be patient
If an apology isn't accepted, thank the other person for listening to you and leave a door open if they want to talk about it later. Example: "I understand that you still feel bad about what happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please call me." Sometimes people want to forgive, but they need a little more time to calm down.
Remember: just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean they've forgiven you completely. It takes time - quite a long time, sometimes - before the other person can completely turn the page and fully trust you once again. There are few things you can do to speed up the process, but making it worse is extremely easy. If this person is truly important to you, you should give them the time and space they need to heal. Don't expect him to immediately start behaving normally again
Step 9. Keep your word
A true excuse includes a solution or expresses a willingness to fix the problem. You have promised to work to improve, so you must keep the promise made for the apology to be sincere and complete. Otherwise, your apology will lose its meaning, and the trust may disappear, pass a point of no return.
Occasionally talk to this person to find out how they are doing. For example, after a few weeks have passed, you might ask her, "I know my behavior hurt you a few weeks ago, and I'm working hard to improve. How am I doing?"
Advice
- Sometimes an apology attempt turns into a reworking of the same fight you wanted to remedy. Be very careful to avoid discussing a certain topic again or opening old wounds. Remember, apologizing does not mean acknowledging that your words are completely wrong or false, it means that you are sorry for how they made someone feel and that you would like to recover the relationship with this person.
- While you think the conflict is partly due to the other person's lack of communication, try not to blame or blame them in the middle of an apology. If you believe that better communication will help improve your relationship, you can talk about it when you explain what you will do to make sure the conflict does not repeat itself.
- If you can, take this person aside so that you can apologize when you are alone. This will not only reduce the chances of her decision being influenced by other people, but it will also make you less nervous. However, if you have publicly insulted her or made her lose face, your apology will be more effective if expressed in public.
- After you apologize, take some time for yourself and try to think of a better way you could have handled the situation. Remember: when you apologize, you also need to make a commitment to improve as a person. That way, when a similar situation arises in the future, you'll be ready to handle it in a way that won't hurt anyone's feelings.
- If this person is willing to talk to you to make peace, welcome this opportunity. For example, if you have forgotten your wife's birthday or anniversary, you might decide to celebrate it another night and make it especially wonderful and romantic. This does not justify forgetfulness and it does not mean that you can always save yourself this way, but it does show that you are willing to strive to change for the better.
- One excuse often breeds another; for example, you can apologize for other mistakes you realize you have made, or your interlocutor may apologize for understanding that the conflict was mutual. Be prepared to forgive.
