As a parent, tantrums are among the most stressful and frustrating things to deal with, especially when your child reaches that age dubbed 'the terrible two years'. However, according to child psychologists, most children don't have these shots just to tease or behave in a manipulative manner. Instead, screaming is a symptom of anger and frustration, but the child still doesn't have the right vocabulary to explain what really happens. Consequently, staying calm and learning to understand what is troubling him will help you handle the situation quickly and effectively.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Talk about it
Step 1. Stay calm to effectively manage tantrums
The worst you can do? React with a fit of anger in front of a capricious child. Babies need a calming influence, especially at these times. If you can't guarantee it, you can't expect it to calm down. Breathe deeply and wait for a few seconds before deciding how to react.
Step 2. Make sure your baby has what he needs
Remember that tantrums are not necessarily a ploy to "win it", on the contrary, they could be the result of dissatisfaction, obvious lack of attention on your part or even physical problems, such as a lowering of blood sugar, pain or digestive difficulties. Maybe he's putting on his teeth, his nappy is dirty, or he needs to take a nap. In these cases, don't try to negotiate with him, you just have to give him what he needs, and the whim will vanish.
- It is very common for a baby to throw tantrums when sleepy. If this seems like the problem, scheduling regular naps can prevent recurring tantrums.
- If you are going out with the baby and you know you will be out for many hours, make healthy snacks and keep them available. That way, he won't throw a tantrum when he's hungry.
Step 3. Ask him what's wrong
Children simply want to be heard, and throwing tantrums is often the most immediate way they know to express themselves. Talking seriously to your child by asking him what's going on and listening carefully to the answer can help. Pick him up and give him your full attention so he can explain himself.
We are not telling you that you have to give him everything he wants. The point is to listen to him carefully and respectfully, just like you would with anyone else. Whether the child wants a new toy or has a tantrum for not going to school, he should have the right to express it
Step 4. Give clear explanations, don't just say no
Many parents just say "No" and "Why do I say so" instead of explaining why, but this discourages children. You don't have to give elaborate explanations, but motivating your actions will allow the child to better understand the situation and feel more in control.
For example, if you are at the grocery store and your child is starting to freak out because he wants sweetened oatmeal, remind him that he likes to eat porridge and fruit for breakfast, so there is no need to buy cereal as well
Step 5. Give him a choice of different coping strategies
For example, let's assume your child wants ice cream, only it's almost dinner time. Say: “Alessio, you are starting to disturb. Calm down, otherwise I'll send you to your room”. You offer him a choice: he has to control himself and, if he can't, go to a place where he won't bother others. If he makes the correct decision (calm down), remember to compliment him: “You asked me for ice cream and I said no. I would like to thank you for respecting my decision”.
But if he makes the wrong decision, there will be consequences, and you have to put them into action. Following the example above, accompany him to his room and explain to him firmly that he will stay there until he calms down. It's easier with a two-year-old than an eight-year-old, so the sooner you start educating him this way, the smoother the process will go
Step 6. Show yourself firm and firm
When talking to your child, be empathetic but firm. Once you have calmly explained your explanations, don't hold back. The child may not calm down immediately, but he will remember that having a tantrum does not lead to satisfactory results. When he wants something in the future, he will be less inclined to have tantrums.
Step 7. Take action to prevent getting hurt
Some children can be quite restless when they throw a tantrum. If it happens to yours too, remove all dangerous objects around it, or remove it yourself from the risks.
Try to avoid containing him when he has a tantrum, but sometimes it is necessary and comforting. Be gentle (don't exert too much force), but hold it firmly. Talk to him to reassure him, especially if the tantrums were caused by disappointments, frustrations, or unfamiliar experiences
Step 8. Don't lose your temper
It is important to model the behavior you expect to see in the child. If you lose your temper and start screaming, throwing tantrums yourself, your child will realize that this kind of attitude is tolerable around the house. It's not easy, but maintaining a certain composure is preferable for both yourself and the baby. Take a few minutes to cool down the hot spirits if necessary. Ask your wife or another responsible person to keep an eye on him while you calm down. If applicable, take your child to their room and put up a barrier (such as a gate) to prevent them from coming out (do not close the door).
- Don't spank him or scold him. If you yourself lose control in this way, the child will only feel confused and start to be afraid of you. This will not result in a healthy or trusting relationship.
- It is equally important to model good communication methods and manage frustration in your relationship with your partner. Avoid arguing in front of the child or being visibly nervous when one of the two fails to win.
Step 9. Help the child feel loved no matter what
Sometimes babies throw tantrums because they just want to get more love and attention. Denying your affection is never the right choice for disciplining a child. Whatever happens, the child must know that you love him unconditionally.
- Avoid scolding him or saying "You really let me down" when he throws a tantrum.
- Hug him and say "I love you," even if his behavior makes you go on a rampage.
Method 2 of 3: Try the Time Out Technique
Step 1. In a moment of crisis, use the pedagogical technique of time out
Don't try to reason with a child who is in the midst of a sharp outburst of anger. Give him time to let off steam. Suggest the right words to express his emotions. Say phrases like "You must feel really tired after such a long day" or "Surely you are down because right now you can't have what you want". Not only will this teach him to expose his feelings in the future, it demonstrates empathy without giving in to tantrums. At this point, you may realize that your best bet is to give him space until he calms down.
Step 2. Explain to him that he must remain silent
If the child is having an acute seizure, and apparently does not want to participate in a reasonable conversation, sometimes the time-out technique is the best method. Tell him to be silent until he can calm down and feel better.
- Keep calm yourself to set a good example.
- Don't use this tactic as a threat or punishment. Instead, it's a way to give him space until he's calmed down.
Step 3. Take it to a safe place
It is preferable to accompany him to his room or to another safe place in the house, where you have no problem leaving him alone for about ten minutes. It should be a distraction-free corner, such as a computer, television, or video game. Choose a quiet and peaceful place, a place that the child associates with a feeling of calm.
Don't lock it in this room. It can be dangerous, and he will interpret it as a punishment
Step 4. Explain that you will talk to him when he has calmed down
This will help him understand that you are ignoring him because his behavior is unacceptable, not because you don't care about him. When the child calms down, do your part by respecting the agreement made: discuss his concerns together.
Step 5. Talk when the right time comes
If your child has calmed down, discuss what happened. Without scolding him or assuming an accusatory tone, ask him why he got this tantrum. Clearly explain your side of the story.
It is important to avoid treating him as if he were an enemy, no matter how furious you are. Hug him and talk affectionately, even if you have to explain to him that we can't always win over everything in life
Step 6. Be consistent
Children need structure and fixed points of reference to feel safe and able to exercise some control over their own lives. If they are never sure of the consequences of a certain behavior, they will begin to have rebellious attitudes. Use the time out technique whenever your child throws a tantrum. He will soon realize that shouting or kicking is not as effective as talking.
Step 7. Try the diary trick to manage the time out technique
If you don't feel like taking your child to another room or part of the house, you can still facilitate this by directing your attention elsewhere. When the baby starts having tantrums, tell him you'll write it down. Take a journal, write down what happened and how you feel. Ask him to tell you how he feels so you can write this down too. The baby will want to be involved in what you do, so he will soon forget crying and screaming.
Method 3 of 3: Know When to Contact a Professional
Step 1. Find out if your methods are effective
Each child reacts differently to various educational strategies. Try several and see which ones seem to work. If your child continues to throw tantrums despite your attempts, it may be necessary to go further and seek assistance from a doctor or psychotherapist - they will give you more ideas that suit your child's specific needs.
Step 2. Find out if the tantrums are related to environmental factors
Some stimuli may lead the child to tantrum more often than usual. Sometimes, babies have a certain sensitivity to foods (especially sugars), lights, large crowds, music, or other variables. They can irritate them and therefore cause the appearance of negative feelings.
- Think about the cases in which the child has had such shots. Do you remember if they were triggered by an environmental factor? Eliminate the urge and see what happens.
- Ask a professional for help if you have trouble understanding the cause of tantrums.
Step 3. See if the problem persists once the baby has grown
Most babies eventually mature and stop having tantrums. They learn other effective ways to communicate. If your child continues to throw a tantrum after a certain age, the underlying problem needs to be analyzed and resolved. You may want to take him to a doctor or psychotherapist to see if there is a deeper cause.
If the tantrums are frequent or violent, take the child to the doctor. If they occur multiple times a day or are particularly intense and exhausting, it is preferable to make an appointment with a professional. Only in this way will you be able to understand if the child has unmet needs. Sharp, persistent tantrums could be a symptom of a developmental problem
Advice
- Prepare your child for success, not failure. For example, if you know it's been a busy day and you haven't eaten since lunch, put off shopping at the grocery store until the next day. Do you have no other choice? Try to distract them while you shop, and deal with them quickly. Remember he is just a child, and he is still learning to be patient.
- If you're in a public place, sometimes the best solution is to just walk away, even if that means dragging a kicking, screaming child. Rest assured and remember that his behavior is dictated by a cascade of emotions, it is not rational.
- Never scold your child or talk harshly to him when you want him to stop throwing a tantrum. Point out his behavior, explain why you don't approve of him, and suggest another way to express himself. For example, “Marco, you are yelling and hitting, and this is not good. When you do this, you make people around you angry. I want you to stop screaming and throw your hands up. I want to talk with you. I want to know what is bothering you. I don't understand what happens if you just scream”.
- If he misbehaves in a certain context, tell him that you will talk about it after you finish that certain activity by looking him in the eye and in a normal tone of voice. For example, if you're at the supermarket checkout and throwing up a tantrum because he's bored, show him one of your chosen products and tell him it's dad's favorite, or tell him a story about another item you're about to pay for. Ask him to help you place the products on the checkout conveyor belt. Make him feel useful, as if he had done something very important, then tell him: "I'm happy when you give me a hand." Smile at him affectionately.
- It should be remembered that children with developmental difficulties do not always understand verbal instructions. Children who suffer from certain ailments can sometimes repeat the rules, but still have problems turning them into concrete actions. If this happens to you, try creating a visual map to explain certain behaviors and what you prefer. Cut out photos from magazines or draw a diagram with stick figures. Review it with the child. Looking at the pictures and listening to your explanation, maybe he will understand better.
- Try to have a plan. When you are faced with a problem, discuss the situation with the child beforehand. For example, if he has a tantrum every time you are at the supermarket checkout, tell him, “Honey, the last few times we went shopping, you misbehaved at the checkout. From now on, we will do things differently. When we get to the cashier, I'll let you pick a packet of candy, but only if you do well up to that point. If you cry or cry because you want other things, then I won't buy you anything. Now, can you tell me what we will do?”. The child should repeat the instructions to you. Once you have agreed on the program, it is not necessary to re-explain it when you arrive at the cashier. If he does well, he will be rewarded as established, otherwise he will lose. He already knows the rules.
- A whim is not an attempt at manipulation, unless you let it become one. And often, the tantrums aren't actually caused by a recent event. Maybe they are due to a frustration that has been going on for days, because the child is stressed trying to do the right thing or learn to behave civilly in society.
- Each child is a world unto itself, and the same goes for different situations and cases. These solutions are not the best ever, the answer to everything. As a parent, you are in control. Keep calm and don't lose your temper. If you find yourself feeling angry, annoyed, discouraged, irritated, and so on, try isolating and calming yourself first. Only after doing so can you try to calm the baby down.
- At some point, a child must understand that a rejection is final. However, if he is old enough to understand this, explain why he shouldn't behave that way.
Warnings
- Don't give in just to avoid embarrassment, which, among other things, encourages the child to throw tantrums in front of other people to get what he wants. Although a parent feels like they have all eyes on them when their child throws tantrums in public, the truth is that most viewers are cheering on mom or dad when they see that it imposes reasonable limits on the baby.
- Do not expect the child to behave in a certain way if he is not yet the right age. As a parent, you don't have to accept rude or unpleasant attitudes, and you should set limits. However, remember that this is normal for your child's age. Do not forget that the stages of growth end, and it is your job to guide and love him from time to time, not to force him to grow before he should.
- Having a spoiled child can make the situation worse, especially if you have a lot of responsibilities and live under constant pressure. For example, if you pay your bills and mortgage, a screaming child doesn't make your life easier. Go to a place where you can vent your anger. Remember that under no circumstances should you blame him. As complicated as your life is, it's not his fault.
- Never give up in the face of your child's whims: it would make him understand that he can win and control you. Learn how to manage it at home, and embarrassing situations will be less likely to arise in a public place. You might try to give in to the little things, which gives him the feeling that he exerts more control: he will reduce the tantrums and he will understand that staying calm allows him to be rewarded.
- If you have tried the strategies listed in the article, but still have a tantrum, it is best to consult a professional to understand it and know what to do to improve the situation. Children who have developmental or other problems should be supported by a competent and experienced specialist. Explain to him in detail what is happening. If you have followed the techniques in this article, then explain to him the attempts made and the results obtained. He may give you other suggestions or recommend further tests.
- Never hit your child or engage in any other kind of violent behavior. Remember that corporal punishment is not the answer. There are other methods of educating a child.
- Depending on the situation, if you need to use the time out technique, go ahead. It is never right to hit a child. Trying to educate him in this way when he has a tantrum only teaches him that it is okay to use physical force on others (slaps, kicks, punches, etc.).
- Don't frequently focus on using a certain distraction (such as chewing gum) to calm a child when he has a tantrum. Teach him why he shouldn't behave a certain way, and other coping mechanisms will soon mature. However, some children get tantrums because they are particularly impressionable or emotional. Just like adults, there are calm children, while others are more restless. Tantrums allow you to release pent-up energy, frustration, anger, and other emotions. It's natural. If you teach your child to "bottle up" feelings, when they grow up they won't be able to express what they feel.
