If a person you see often keeps showing up late every time you have to meet, deliver an important project, or do anything else, this can have a bad impact on your schedule and, by association, others may also doubt your performance. and your seriousness. Forcing yourself to endure delays and interruptions shouldn't be an integral part of your relationship, business or personal. Read on to keep your blood pressure off when your friend, colleague, or relative arrives late. You don't have to get angry, just prepare to handle the situation so it doesn't happen again.
Steps
Step 1. Define this behavior for what it is:
a lack of respect. After all, that's what this is all about. Why is your time less valuable than your friend's? Why should you put up with this lack of respect for yourself and your time? The answer is that there is no reason to do it. Your friend's apology, aimed at justifying his commitments and setbacks, shouldn't deceive you. Actually, your friend says "For me, what I was doing is more important than the fact that you were expecting me." This denotes disrespect, rudeness and wrong. There is no excuse to justify this type of behavior, and you need to make it clear to your friend.
Step 2. Address the problem immediately
When it happens only once, you can understand it and tolerate the delay, maybe it happened due to traffic or a major cause. When it happens all the time and you recognize a behavior pattern in your relationship, it is a chronic problem with this person and you need to deal with it right away. Recognizing that this person will never be on time will allow you to understand many things. Here are some tips for dealing with the problem:
- Explain to your friend that you feel that he is disrespecting you when he makes you wait a long time and that your time is as valuable as his.
- Tell your friend that, in the future, you will not wait beyond a certain amount of time (it is reasonable to do this for 10 or 15 minutes), even if he calls you to let you know. You will decide whether to continue alone with the activity you had planned and allow him to join you in the process or whether to abandon the plan and go home. You won't be forced to let them know your decision.
Step 3. Never share the car with him and take your ticket with you
Whenever you drive with him, you allow him to control the situation (and often this behavior indicates a problem related to control mania). Instead, arrange to meet directly at the restaurant, movie theater, or anywhere else. You must be in control of your life so that you arrive at the appointed time. Don't let them keep your ticket as well. If either of you is to have this responsibility, you better take care of it. Tell him that if he is late, you will leave his ticket at the box office while you come in on time for the show.
Step 4. Wait for a certain amount of time, then carry on with the plans alone, or leave it alone
If your friend manages to arrive later, great. However, in the meantime, don't hold your breath. Here are a couple of examples to follow:
- Your latecomer friend invites you to dinner at a restaurant you both like. Instead of waiting for him to arrive at your house and drive there together, tell him you'll meet at the club at eight. If he's not there by a quarter past eight, sit down anyway (that's right, go in alone) and wait for him to arrive (or notify the waiter so he can escort your friend to the right table). This is easier if another friend is present or you carry something to read with you. Don't wait for more than a quarter of an hour. Ask the waiter for the menu and order. When your friend arrives, say hello to him kindly, even if you've already finished eating. Stop only if you wish, even if it means leaving while he is ordering.
- Your laggard friend tells you he'd like to go to the movies on Friday night. You're tired at the end of the week, and you prefer to go early, so you tell them. Don't drop by and pick him up at his house (you'll probably find he's nowhere near ready, and you'll miss the show in the meantime). Instead, ask him to see you at the cinema. Just buy your ticket, tell him he'll have to buy his own. If he doesn't show up before they open the room, go inside anyway and save him a seat once you get in. If he can get there before the movie starts, that's better. In case you get to the movie, let it sit quietly. End the evening as you wish: you can go for a coffee or a dessert together, otherwise you can tell him that his behavior has offended you and that you will go home.
- Another solution is to abandon the plan and walk away. If you're so angry and resentful that you can't have fun alone (if he doesn't show up), drop the date and go home. In case he arrives late and calls you wondering where you are, explain to him that up to a certain point you waited, but then you couldn't take it anymore and left.
Step 5. Express your anger or frustration
Let him know that this hurts you (while loving him and wanting to preserve the relationship), makes you angry, and makes you feel disrespected. If you just accept it, without expressing regret, your friend will have no idea of your feelings and may continue to behave this way without changing. But if you express how you feel about it and he doesn't apologize or change, at least you'll have a clear idea: your friend's feelings aren't as important as his freedom to do whatever he wants.
Step 6. Turn the page
Most chronically late people are busy or have trouble concentrating, they don't really intend to hurt or disrespect, they just want to do too much in a short time. However, this is no excuse for being constantly late. Your time is also precious. However, these people will likely never improve their attitude, and they may always be late. So, you have to decide if friendship is worth it. Some chronically retarded people are control freaks. By arriving late, they control every single situation and make everything revolve around them. By regaining control, you frustrate these attempts and make it clear that you have no intention of being manipulated like this. With people like this, you can be more successful in communicating that delay is not acceptable and that you will not tolerate it.
Step 7. Act accordingly
When you agree to see each other, give him a different time, meaning that the appointment will start earlier than the time you really intend to show up. This way, your friend will arrive earlier and, if he is late anyway, at least he will be "on time".
Step 8. Refuse to make plans with this person
If all of these tips don't work well for you, it's the fault of the laggard. For example, from now on he only announces "Everyone who wants to go to the cinema will have to show up at eight." When your chronically laggard friend asks, “Can we meet at your house before we go?”, You reply “Oh, let's not waste time making individual appointments, it's too unnerving. Those who want to go to the cinema will show up at the entrance at eight”. If he does object, that means he already knows he will be late, and he wants you to make a commitment to wait for him.
Advice
- Do not be angry. Just don't put yourself in the position of being dependent on someone who is always late. Take transportation by yourself and leave the house when you feel like it, not when your friend deigns to show up.
- You may only accept invitations from this person if it is possible to invite someone else. That way, if the late friend doesn't show up on time, you'll still have company to spend a nice evening.
- If you are waiting for your late friend or relative to kick off a party in which he plays an important role, for example he has to be present when his mother blows out the candles or when the toast is to be made, do not postpone everything for him. Sure, her mom will be a little disappointed, but it's best to stick to the plans so the other guests can enjoy themselves, without having to wait for the latecomer until they are too tired to stay and have to leave. You can give him about 30 minutes late, then start without him. When he arrives, tell him "Oh, we're sorry you missed the moment Grandma blew out the candles, but we're glad she's here now."
- If you plan to meet him at a certain time, tell him an early time; for example, make a reservation at the restaurant at seven, but tell him to be there at a quarter to seven. If he arrives on time, he won't have to wait long for you. If he's late, he'll be on time!
- Dealing with chronic latecomers is a big problem, in some cases it is better to teach them a “lesson”. If your friend arrives late for the umpteenth time and you are the person who should drive him home at the end of the event, let him walk back, the fresh air and the walk will give him time to think about the inconveniences. that he causes to others, so that he understands that this is not how people are treated. If nothing else, "revenge" will be a great satisfaction for you. And exercise is good for everyone, so don't feel guilty.
- Tell your friend that you are not going to monitor his movements. However, when you agree to meet at six and he doesn't show up until eight, you waste two hours of your life. For him it must be clear that you care about friendship and that you worry if he arrives late without warning, especially if he lives 20 minutes away from the meeting point. In those two hours you will experience a mix of worry and anger (a feeling that is especially imposed when it finally shows up, replacing worry). You should make him understand that it is not nice to leave you at the mercy of these feelings. This could allow him to put things in perspective.
Warnings
- This behavior will likely always end up resurfacing. The situation may improve for some time, but your friend may fall back into his old habits. Take one step at a time, keep working on the problem if this person is important to you.
- Taking it personally is pointless. The problem has nothing to do with you, it depends entirely on the other person. Don't feel insulted or less important because this friend has no respect.
- These tips may not work with some people, for example your mother.
- Someone can change, someone can't. If this person denies their behavior, always has an excuse ready and gets defensive or aggressive when you talk about the subject, they probably need to come to terms with reality. In case it doesn't want to accept that you have this problem, it will hardly change. On the other hand, he may deeply apologize and promise to change, but then be unable to change that attitude. Wait, consider if this friend really did his best to improve the relationship, and then consider what to do; remember that you don't deserve to be treated like this constantly.
- Different cultures have different ideas about punctuality. It is important to try to understand where this person is coming from before jumping to conclusions.
