Nobody says it's easy to help a man get over a divorce, especially if you're in love. However, if you really feel a strong feeling between you, then you should be sure that he has overcome it, addressing this topic with him, giving him comfort and support and proposing to have new experiences together. You should also have a lot of patience and proceed gradually so that he has time to process everything that has happened to him. By treating him with love and care, over time he will be able to think about building a future with you.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Help him recover
Step 1. Listen to it
Don't overlook the problems he faces with his ex. Try to offer him a constructive listening space where he can express what he thinks without being criticized by you. Feel free to give him advice if he asks for it, but don't be offended if he doesn't follow it. What matters most is to listen without giving in to judgments. Let him talk until he says everything he wants, instead of interrupting him with questions or considerations. Right now, what he might need most is a person who can listen.
As far as possible, refrain from judging him. Maybe he didn't behave in an exemplary way during the marriage or maybe his ex-wife got it wrong. In any case, don't stand there harassing him for the way he behaved or speaking ill of his ex-wife. There is a risk that she will feel worse when she thinks about her entire marriage experience
Step 2. Understand that he is vulnerable
Men are very vulnerable when going through a divorce and can feel very isolated, disappointed and dissatisfied with themselves. Be prepared to be next to a man who feels extremely fragile and vulnerable to attack, and realize that he needs a kind, loving and sensitive person. However, you shouldn't take advantage of his vulnerability or try to solve his problems by telling him how much you love him. Focus on the help you can give him to heal his wounds before you can start a new relationship.
If he is frail, it may mean that he is not open to joking about his divorce or even making delicate jokes about things in the past. It may be that he is questioning himself and does not understand that you are being sarcastic or that you are not speaking seriously
Step 3. Don't ask too many questions
You may be dying to know all the gory details of his divorce, especially if you date him or consider him as a partner. However, he may not be ready to reveal them to you or to talk about all the pain he has experienced. Once the relationship is deeper between you, he will feel compelled to explain to you what happened, what financial problems he faces, what his relationship is with his ex-wife and so on, but if you just want to help him get through the divorce, then you should let him talk.
If you are too indiscreet, you will lead him to open wounds that have not yet healed. He might tell you something he doesn't feel like talking about just to be nice, but that ultimately makes him feel worse. Right now, satisfying your curiosity isn't a priority
Step 4. Do something new and exciting with him
To help a man get through a divorce, try offering him something completely new and different to do together. He is more likely to think about his past if he continues to hang out at the same bars and restaurants he frequented with his ex, stroll the usual beaches, or watch the same shows on television that he and his ex enjoyed. If you want him to get over his divorce, then you should propose that he do new things together: from hiking to learning how to make enchiladas. While creating distractions over time won't be a great solution, giving him something new and exciting that he can be passionate about will give him a chance to feel like he's moving on.
- Ask him what he always wanted to do, not having had the chance. He could be snowboarding, cooking steak, or writing a novel. Encourage him to try something new and support him when he makes an effort. Slowly he will move his attention, focusing it on something that really interests him and will be much more focused on the present and the future than on the past.
- He can be so upset about the divorce that he doesn't really feel like going out or trying new things, so try to encourage him without putting too much pressure on him. If he's not really ready to climb rocks, you may have to back off.
Step 5. Be patient with him
Maybe you think you've found a soul mate and feel the urge to hold his hand in public, introduce him to your fifty closest friends, tell your parents about him, and propose that he go on a weekend trip as soon as he has one. the opportunity. However, he is likely not to decide to make this kind of commitment in public until he is ready. Don't rush him, or you risk endangering your relationship or inducing him to do something he doesn't feel ready for. If you want your story to work seriously, then respect the fact that it takes more time than you think it does.
- If you constantly complain about not meeting all of your friends yet, not kissing you in public, or even saying "I love you", this won't speed up the process. If you put pressure on him to do something he is not ready for, you will compromise the natural development of your relationship.
- Of course, what you ask for (be more affectionate in public and give yourself more demonstrations of his commitment) is perfectly natural. However, since you are dealing with a man who has an important past, it will take longer to happen. This is what awaits you.
Step 6. Make sure he's ready to get engaged
If you have been with him for a couple of months and still feel that he is extremely sad, vulnerable and sensitive due to the divorce, then it may not be the time to seek a serious relationship with him. You are probably on two different fronts: on the one hand you would like him to make a serious commitment to you, while on the other there is no inclination. If you care about him, then you have two options: wait until he is really ready to commit, otherwise you just have to build a very light relationship with a man who is trying to clarify what ideas. If you can't spend even half an hour with him without touching on marriage, without becoming sad or talking about his difficulties about not seeing his children, then in all likelihood this is not the time to start a relationship.
If you really think that there is great untapped potential with this man, but that it is not feasible right now, then it would be better to see if you can pick up on it later, instead of ruining what you have now, since he is not ready yet
Part 2 of 3: Moving Forward Together
Step 1. Give it time before introducing it into your life
He may need more time than other men to do the usual boyfriend things, like meeting your friends, showing affection in public, reporting his relationship on Facebook, or going on vacation with you. Even if you may decide to take it to work parties, family vacations, or just a party at a friend's house, it probably won't be ready for such an engagement yet. This does not mean that he does not care about you, but that he prefers to proceed calmly.
If you constantly ask him to come somewhere with you, he may feel obligated to do so, but in his heart he has no pleasure in it. Wait until he tells you that he would like to meet your friends, colleagues or family
Step 2. Give him time to introduce you to his life
Don't be angry or offended if he's not ready to introduce you to his friends or family. Remember that these people were close to him during the ups and downs of his last relationship and that they will need some time to get used to the idea of your relationship. If he has children, don't always ask him to introduce them to you until he is ready to introduce you to them. Remember that you definitely won't want to confuse them about the person she's dating or her personal life. Wait until she takes this step of her own accord.
- Don't be mad at him if he doesn't invite you to spend Christmas with his family, meet his friends at happy hour, or if he hasn't introduced you to his little sister yet. If he hasn't involved you in all of this so far, he will have a good reason for doing this. Of course, it's not a situation that can go on indefinitely, but before you can take these steps with him you have to wait until he feels like he's completely through the divorce.
- If your ex-wife and children are present in your life, try to build a relationship with them. Be friendly to your ex, be helpful and kind to the children if they are ready to accept you. At first look for a gradual approach with them and wait for the relationship to grow. If you are serious about this man, then you need to try to fit into his life when he is ready, without pushing him too hard.
Step 3. Enhance your relationship on his terms
His wife may have been too "oppressive" towards him, perhaps very present in every aspect of his life or too boring. Either way, make sure you both strike a balance. You should complete each other, like the pieces of a puzzle. If he tends to get bored, be funny, take him out and show him the hobbies you are passionate about. If he's too effervescent and goes out often, give him peace of mind. Invite him to stay with you a couple of evenings, take him to the cinema and show him that he can have fun both inside and outside the house. Try to be extraordinary companions, for each other.
Step 4. Accept that there will be obstacles
In every relationship there are things to overcome. External influences can create problems. The main ones, if they are present, are made up of family and friends. They could create a gap between you and your partner. Typically, a mate respects the views of his or her family, so you should behave the same way. If he sees respect from you too, he will end up not accepting any interference from relatives. The important thing is that you solve problems together and agree to overcome any obstacles that may arise along your path. There will be many. Maintain a positive approach towards each other and you will succeed.
There are obstacles in all serious relationships. While divorce presents an additional set of challenges, the important thing is that you go through them together
Step 5. Be honest
Maybe you'll have some skeletons in the closet. His ex-wife may have cheated on him and now he has trouble trusting him. This eventuality makes you fear being honest about your past relationships and revealing that you too were once unfaithful, breaking someone's heart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest. The best way to gain his trust is to tell the truth. Recognizing that you have been unfair and transparent is a demonstration of the fact that you are ready to make a change and to start from scratch in the relationship you are building with him. Just be 100% honest.
Step 6. Be loving
Prove your love. Make eye contact when you speak. You will demonstrate honesty and respect. Hold his hand in public when he is ready to let the world know that you are happy to be with him. This way you will reassure him and increase his confidence in all respects. Give him lots of compliments to let him know that you like every side of the person you're with. Reconstitute the man who existed before the divorce. Give him back the joy and happiness that you think he deserves to have. Love him unconditionally.
It is possible that after the divorce he will not have as much confidence in himself as he once did. You can help him feel good about himself again
Step 7. Keep things interesting
Make him feel stimulated. Men like surprises. He will appreciate that you go out of your way to show him your love. If you don't like dressing up for occasions, take him out for something fun. If he's a pretty busy man, then you'll have to put in a little more effort when you're with him. Put your phone away, get a babysitter so you can go on an evening date or have a quiet, relaxing night. Massages, baths, cards, gifts, or anything that makes him feel special will be able to keep your relationship strong. It is important to keep the emotions within the relationship pleasant and effervescent.
Even when you feel safe and secure that she is through a divorce, you should continue to do new things together as you cement your union by sharing interests and passions
Part 3 of 3: Know What to Avoid
Step 1. Don't go hunting for news about his ex-wife
Although you may be tempted to google or Facebook for his ex-wife, in the long run this curiosity will bring you nothing but pain and will make you feel insecure about your relationship. You may want to see what he is like physically, what job he does for a living, or what school and university he attended, but researching these details will make you feel worse instead of satisfying your curiosity. If there is something you actually need to know about her, she will spontaneously tell you, but if you become obsessed with this thought, it will only increase your insecurities, because you will be led to think that you cannot compete with her.
If you try to find something about his ex-wife, you also run the risk of stumbling upon some photos from when he was together with your current partner and it is guaranteed that you will be sick
Step 2. Don't criticize it either
You may think that if you make fun of his ex-wife or insult her, he will be able to get through the divorce faster and that you will get into his good graces. Unfortunately, the opposite is true: by talking negatively about his ex-wife, you will give the impression that you are insecure and will weaken your relationship, because he could get defensive and actually take his side. Even if she insults her, you don't have the right to do the same, but you should distance yourself from any kind of judgment about those you don't know well.
If she gets upset about something her ex-wife did, you can agree that she behaved with little respect, but you should never denigrate or swear at her
Step 3. Don't compare yourself to her
For better or for worse, you and his ex-wife are not in the same position. He sure loved her and now he loves you, but at best he wants to keep these feelings separate. If you compare yourself to her by asking him if he behaved like you, if he looked like you or even - God forbid - like he was in bed, he will feel disgusted, angry or annoyed. If you want him to get over his old relationship, you should look at your relationship as a new beginning, not a better version of his marriage.
Also, if you start comparing yourself to his ex-wife, you risk frightening him, because he will start thinking about your relationship in more serious terms. Maybe he's not ready for that yet, and even comparisons between his current relationship and his marriage could set alarm bells ringing in his head
Step 4. Don't talk about marriage too quickly
It is better that she got through her first marriage completely before saying that word again. It could be many years, sadly, and you may have to prepare to wait. If you talk about marriage and your desire to have children too soon or ask them to move in together before they're ready, your relationship will be doomed to fail. Of course, if you've been together for several years and she doesn't show any signs of getting over or turning pages with you, you may need to get a stagnant situation out of the way, but if you've been in a relationship for a year or so, try to be patient.
When you bring this up, make sure you have thought carefully. It is not a good idea to catch your partner off guard or to face the conversation unexpectedly
Step 5. Don't try to control what he does with his ex-wife or children
Be careful not to go so far as to push him to cut with his ex, especially if children are involved. You need to keep in touch with her to take her share of responsibility towards the children. Above all, it's not up to you to make the final decision about who you should or shouldn't interact with. If you suspect something, it's time to find out or leave, before you get too seriously involved in this story.
- It is best not to appear like a person controlling him, otherwise he will feel suffocated. If you're confident in your relationship, don't worry if she meets her ex to sort out routine matters. If you can't accept that it is a part of his life, like his children, it means that you are not ready to be in a relationship with him.
- Don't worry about how he should behave with his ex. He knows what to do. The only thing you can tell him is how his affairs with his ex affect you. If so, be totally open to what is affecting and worrying you on a personal level. If you are honest, he will consider your real concerns, rather than assuming that you are trying to create a gap between him and his ex.
Advice
- Avoid arguments involving her marriage. Never compare your partner to any of the exes and never start by saying that you know why his wife left him.
- Don't grumble all the time. Your whining could add to other problems that haunt him.
- Don't be with him just because you regret his situation - after all, many people go through a divorce.
- Be patient with him. A divorce is a very painful transition phase.
- Try to attract his interest, so that you can help him overcome his insecurities from the failed marriage.
- Try to find a compromise for your spaces, as you may not have many.
- Be nice to him. He is having a hard time and may be feeling frail.
- Give him lots of compliments. This way you will help him to restore self-confidence to the highest levels.
Warnings
- It may be difficult to cope with his sudden mood swings due to stress.
- He probably won't spend as much time on you as you want due to his relationships (children, friendships, divorce ending).
- Maybe it will be difficult to adapt to the lifestyle he is used to.
- He may change his mind at any time and decide that he can never be truly happy without his ex.
