Did a friend tell you he was sexually abused? Are you wondering what you can tell him? You certainly can't take it lightly, but at least know that in this difficult situation you are not alone!
Here are some things you can do as a friend of someone who is feeling confused and hurt.
Steps
Step 1. Seek immediate medical attention if the abuse has occurred recently
Call the emergency room and inform about what happened and your arrival. Ask for someone who can talk to you when you arrive, possibly someone who can handle this kind of situation. Be sure to follow the next steps to preserve evidence of violence:
- Do not allow the victim to take a shower, bath, bidet or even eat, drink, wash hands or teeth before undergoing a medical examination.
- Ask your friend to keep the clothes he was wearing at the time of the violence. If you need to change, put each item in a paper (not plastic) bag.
Step 2. Don't ask if it was sexual harassment or rape
Be satisfied with what the victim tells you and know that it was unwelcome. It does not matter how far the aggression has gone, if it has created a strong discomfort for your friend, it is necessary to take action. Even if you suspect she's overdoing it for attention, don't act like it was a show. It is not your job to determine if the allegations are true; let a professional or a judge decide. As a friend, you give the person you love the benefit of the doubt.
Step 3. Stay close to him
Help him let off steam without being critical and without making accusations. Learn to be a good listener.
- For example, it is best not to comment on provocative clothes (especially if the victim is a woman), which you think could be responsible for what happened, saying things like "So, from now on, you will wear more strict clothes so as not to give wrong impressions, ok? ". You'd just make the victim feel worse. Even if you feel it was unwise to dress like that, wearing a sexy outfit is not an invitation to harassment or violence.
- It is also helpful to summarize what your friend is telling you in your own words. It is a way to reassure the person that you are listening to them. You also give him a chance to correct incorrect assumptions that may have arisen during the conversation. This technique is especially effective when you feel frustrated or confused about understanding what has happened.
- Use the phrase "I can only imagine how you feel" instead of "I know how you feel". You can only hope that you NEVER know what it feels like on these occasions … and saying, instead, that you understand perfectly, could block the interlocutor from letting off steam when he needs it most.
Step 4. Know that many victims feel guilty or ashamed
An enormous sense of guilt lurks in the mentality of the majority of victims of abuse. Even if your friend bears no responsibility at all, he may feel like he provoked the violence or accused himself of feeling arousal during the abuse. Reassure the victim by explaining that the human body was designed to respond to sexual contact with arousal, regardless of whether the contact is wanted or not. Some victims may have had an orgasm during abuse and this adds an additional sense of shame and the feeling of being "dirty" and complicit in the violence. There are some particularly complex feelings of "complicity" which can be felt when the victim knows or admits that she or she "liked" the "special" attention received in the beginning; maybe it was attention that made her feel appreciated, or greater, or special for someone she admired. But the abuser is a predator, no matter how much the victim liked it at first. When a predator is relentless in its "attentions", it is normal for the victim to feel these feelings, and you should reassure your friend by saying that he did not want what happened and that it is not his fault.
Step 5. Secure your friend
If he still lives in close contact with the perpetrator of the violence, you should find another, safer place where he can live. There are several institutions that help victims of abuse. The police and social workers will help you in this regard.
Step 6. Report the perpetrator to the authorities
If your friend only told you about what happened, report what you were told to a responsible adult, such as a teacher, doctor, police, or call an emergency number. Do not hide what happened for fear of infringing "privacy" or to "protect" the victim. Your friend will need help and can only get it if you "talk to someone". Furthermore, those who commit sexual abuse can continue to act precisely because the victims and their loved ones do not dare to report them, so report the case immediately.
Step 7. Avoid the harasser in the future
If the abuser is not in jail or if, in some way, they have not completely gotten out of your friend's life, try to help them avoid it. It can be complex if this person lives in the same house as the victim, but there must be a way to help your friend stay away from them.
Step 8. In comforting the victim, maintain completely platonic contact
Even if it's your boyfriend or girlfriend, don't try to cheer them up with hugs and kisses. This type of physical contact is probably the last thing you need right now, so any idea you might have of using sexuality as a form of therapy is totally inappropriate.
Step 9. Be strong and present your best expression
Showing your friend how hurt, heartbroken you feel, and doing it for a long time, can make your loved one feel more guilty. When he tells you what happened, don't be afraid to say that what happened is horrible, that it causes you great pain and anger, but keep calm as much as you can, and remember that the protagonist is the victim, not you.
Step 10. Don't obsessively dwell on what has happened
Once you have talked about it, if he tells you the same information, try to distract him with some fun activity, such as a game. Don't push him, though, to cut it short if he feels the need to let off steam further; allow it until you are certain that it is becoming counterproductive (there will have to be a point where the wound begins to heal, and to do so it cannot continue to bleed). Then, find something that distracts the victim, even if it is for a short time. You must understand that as your friend processes the emotions caused by the situation, many aspects will start to come to mind and he will have to talk about them differently. Nonetheless, you should set a time in which to start looking for ways out, distractions, before rethinking what happened becomes an obsession. As you invite the victim to engage in activities to distract them, you may notice that certain words or phrases lead to new outbursts after a period of calm and / or fun. Try to understand this need and offer support by listening attentively and empathically, managing new needs as best you can, to help her understand and process.
Step 11. Check your friend for any suicidal thoughts
If you have a self-destructive or suicidal wish, seek help immediately. Stay by his side until help arrives.
Step 12. Tell the victim how much you love them
This helps more than you think. Reassure her that you will always be on her side and available to help her.
Step 13. Encourage her to start therapy
The guilt, shame, anger and self-contempt that are the most widespread result of this violence are feelings that require the assistance of a trained person, such as a psychologist, social worker or analyst.
Advice
- While telling everything about what happened can help, don't pressure the victim to say more than they want to reveal. You can try gently, but without applying pressure. If the inner problem does not go away and you have won your friend's trust, he will probably tell you more later.
- Avoid asking for details about what happened. Let me just tell you what doesn't make him uncomfortable. This is not an interrogation.
- Avoid saying "I know how you feel", as if this helps the victim express his or her feelings. Use phrases like "I can only imagine how you might feel".
- Remember: every person who experiences sexual abuse reacts differently.
- Don't let it get you down. It's impossible to comfort someone when you feel just as bad. Don't act superficially though.
- If the people involved are two teenagers, and the age difference is more than two years, in many countries the offender is responsible for "child bribery".
- Do not make promises you can not keep. Your friend may make you swear to keep it a secret before telling you what happened. If the victim is a minor and the perpetrator of the violence is an adult, you "must" report the crime to the authorities. If you don't, the chances of it happening again, to her or another child, are terribly high. Tell her that you are not going to report it to friends or relatives, but you want to report it to the authorities.
- In many states, if the violence was committed by an adult on a minor, the crime is automatically "rape". There is no provision for consensual sex between an adult and a minor. However, this does not apply to all states.
- If your friend has been harassed by another friend who has emotional or mental problems, the victim may think that person needs his or her friendship, despite the fact. The guilt of "abandoning" someone in distress, regardless of what they did, can lead the victim to maintain a relationship with the abuser. Don't allow it. It's a bad idea in all respects. Many harassers take action again if they have the opportunity.
Warnings
- Not everyone can handle this kind of thing. If you are not comfortable, the person you are trying to help will warn you. The victim is likely to think that he is oppressing you. Do your best to get outside help rather than risk making things worse.
- Abusers often monitor victims with threats. It is normal for those who have been abused to be very afraid of retaliation, which could be perpetrated against them or those of their loved ones. This is one of the reasons why it is so important to report this to the police. In some cases, it may be better for the victim to find refuge somewhere or with someone to protect them, at least for a period of time.
