Narcissistic extension (or narcissistic replenishment) is a person who provides the narcissist with unlimited admiration and the support they need. The narcissist sees it as a personal extension of himself and, therefore, tries to dominate it. Determine if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. If he thinks he has a right to your time, violates the limits you have set and makes you feel uncomfortable, you are probably his extension. You should also focus on what you are feeling, because you could be its victim if you always feel empty and never have time for yourself.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Evaluating Your Relationship
Step 1. Think about whether this person believes they have any rights
If you are the extension of a narcissist, they do not see you as a separate person. Therefore, he feels entitled to have your time and attention. He doesn't care if you don't have time for him, because he takes it for granted that he deserves your sacrifices.
- The narcissist expects his extension to offer him everything he expects or wants. He assumes that your needs and wants are the same as his and, therefore, demands your attention.
- For example, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they may require you to go out or stay at home in the evening depending on their needs. He gets angry and even hostile if you express the need to be alone or cultivate other interpersonal relationships independently of him. He can't understand that he doesn't deserve your constant attention.
Step 2. Be careful if you violate your limits
The narcissist sees his extension as an extension of himself. Therefore, he does not think that there are limits in the relationship. He never realizes when you are nervous or uncomfortable, and continually pushes the limits you have set in order to satisfy his needs.
- For example, your girlfriend wants to go hiking in the mountains, even if you have told her several times that you suffer from acrophobia. She doesn't give up until you agree to accompany her.
- During the hike you feel more and more terrified and in trouble as you go up. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to be considering your requests to stop you, but she gets angry that you can't keep up with her. She does not care if you are uncomfortable, nor does she realize that you may feel different from hers in that context.
Step 3. Evaluate your conversations
Talking to a narcissist can be very frustrating. It is a subject who hardly feels ashamed. Since you are an extension of him, he expects you to indulge him even when a conversation makes you uncomfortable. He also pretends that, like it or not, you reveal many things about you.
- The narcissist can relate facts that seem very intimate and personal without too much hesitation. For example, he might tell you about the time he "provoked someone" by bragging about how arrogant and aggressive he was towards them. He expects you to be impressed by the courage shown in that particular situation rather than upset by his animosity.
- The narcissist expects his extension to be equally transparent with him and cannot understand when the latter feels uncomfortable in certain situations. For example, he may pester you with a series of questions and get angry if you don't give him the information he wants. It also doesn't notice when you feel troubled.
Step 4. Notice if you take credit for your achievements
The narcissist sees his extension as a reflection of his person. Therefore, he takes credit for the milestones his partner manages to achieve. For example, he might say, "You got a good grade on the exam because of me, because we studied together" or "You got the publication because I reviewed your work."
This attitude is especially common if the narcissist is a parent and sees the child as their extension
Step 5. Look for aggressive and contemptuous behavior
The narcissist does not like it when his behavior is questioned. If this happens, it is normal for him to become hostile and suddenly get nervous.
- Think about the times you have expressed your disagreement. When you tell him he hurt you, how does he react? Instead of admitting that they are wrong or change, the narcissist often gets angry. He may respond to your request with personal attacks and humiliation, but also force you to apologize.
- If you are the extension of a narcissist, he or she will be convinced that your feelings and emotions should exist only as a function of their needs. He is unable to understand when you feel hurt nor is he willing to change for your own good.
Part 2 of 3: Consider What You Are Feeling
Step 1. Consider whether in front of you a person who understands what you feel and what you need
In some ways, it is important to satisfy your needs and desires in any relationship. However, if you are a narcissistic extension, your needs are systematically put aside.
- Reflect on what you want and need and see if you always sacrifice it. Are you sure that the other person is willing or able to meet certain needs and allow you to pursue your interests?
- The narcissist can only see his or her needs and wants and often expects them to be met, even if they are unreasonable or interfere with your needs and wants. He is adept at manipulating others, so if you try to assert your feelings, he tends to become hostile rather than apologizing and trying to change his attitude.
- For example, let's say you're an extrovert by nature and like to go out on the weekend. Your boyfriend gets nervous when he drives you to parties and demands that he stay with him all the time, even when he doesn't want to socialize with others. If you point out that you need to connect with people, he instead insists on imposing his need for attention and reassurance. Instead of finding a compromise, he continues to put his needs first, regardless of whether they are reasonable.
Step 2. Assess how much time you have for yourself
It is exhausting to be a narcissistic extension. A relationship with a narcissist takes a lot of time and energy. Consider if you can set aside some time for yourself. Are you allowed to pursue your hobbies and interests? Do you have relationships with family and friends? If not, realize that you may be a narcissistic extension.
Step 3. Find out if this person is hogging your energies
The narcissist does not see you as an independent individual, with personal opinions and ideas. He sees you only as a reflection of himself and his beliefs. Therefore, you won't have much energy left to devote to people or things other than him.
- The narcissist always presses you to make him happy and content. You will find yourself meeting his needs, even if absurd, and many of your daily decisions will revolve around trying to satisfy his pleasure.
- If you consider how you feel, you risk feeling guilty and uncomfortable. The narcissist is very good at instilling guilt and you may feel inadequate if you take some time for yourself from time to time.
Step 4. See if you are allowed to feel and express your feelings
In the eyes of the narcissist, the feelings perceived by its extension represent an obstacle to overcome. Therefore, your every emotion must be approved by the narcissist. Over time, you will begin to feel that you are not allowed to have certain feelings or emotions.
- The narcissist likes to control everything, including their partner's feelings. He tends to enjoy when he instills shame in the soul of the other. Eventually, you will come to introject his humiliations and begin to feel ashamed when you want or need something.
- You may even be unable to express your pain. If you say, "Your behavior hurt me last night," the narcissist doesn't apologize. Instead, he punishes you for how hard you have tried or insists on destabilizing your feelings.
Part 3 of 3: Taking Distances from a Narcissist
Step 1. Avoid getting involved in the relationship again
The narcissist does not allow his extension to recede easily. If you are trying to distance yourself from such a subject, be aware that he will manipulate you so as not to get lost. Avoid getting drawn into this vicious circle. Be strong when you end a relationship with a narcissist.
- Often the narcissist pretends to want to change when he senses that someone is leaving him. It can go so far as to say that things will be different this time around and promise big changes.
- Remember that the narcissist only acts to satisfy their needs. He makes promises in the hopes of getting what he wants, in this case your attention and interest in him. Don't believe anything he says as you prepare to leave him.
Step 2. Release your anger
It is natural to feel anger after ending a relationship with a narcissist. You expected to have a kind and loving person by your side when, in reality, he or she turned out to be oblivious to your needs and desires. Anger is an important element in the recovery process.
- Be aware of your anger. Reflect on the gestures and behaviors that triggered this feeling.
- Then find a way to unload it in a healthy way. You can cry, confide in a friend, or play sports.
Step 3. Consult a therapist
It is important to talk to a therapist so that the same relationship patterns do not repeat themselves in the future. Also, you need to try to manage your emotions in a healthy way.
- You must not neglect your personal needs. If you've been regarded as a narcissistic extension, especially over a long period of time, you've probably forgotten everything you want and need from life. The intervention of a neutral party can help you not to neglect these aspects.
- Try asking your doctor which mental health professional you can go to. If you are studying at a university, your university may provide students with a psychological counseling service.
Step 4. Close each contact if necessary
The narcissist cannot easily separate from its extension. You will likely need to end all contact to avoid being drawn into a toxic relationship.
- Block it on social networks. You should also block his phone number and e-mail address.
- If you are in a relationship characterized by abuse and mistreatment, ask for help at a domestic violence center. You should also call the police if you fear for your safety.
Advice
- Pay close attention to overwhelming verbal expressions of love. Look at the facts.
- Trust your instincts.
- Never give him a second chance. It will continue to behave the same way.
- It is normal to feel pain after a relationship breakup. Closing a toxic relationship also involves a period of mourning.
