It's hard to admit that you didn't get what you wanted or that things weren't going right, but it can be even more difficult to overcome the disappointment that comes with it. If you are unable to let go of what is beyond your control, don't worry. Recognize what you are feeling and why you are distressed. Change the way you see the situation and try to adopt the most appropriate behaviors and thoughts. Finally, be prepared to move forward without holding on to the past.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Learning to Accept the Situation
Step 1. Keep a journal
If you can't pinpoint exactly the cause of all the pain, suffering, confusion you're experiencing, or don't understand what's stopping you from forgetting something, take the time to put your experience and state of mind on paper. soul. You may find that certain thoughts or beliefs are preventing you from moving forward. By writing, you can also learn to identify and express your emotions.
- Be completely honest when it comes to clearing up the thoughts that are stirring in your soul. Write down anything that prevents you from moving on or factors that hinder you.
- Don't worry about spelling, accuracy, structure or even meaning. Start writing when you feel like it and stop when you think you're done.
- Remember that you don't have to process everything in one go. You can divide your feelings under various headings and analyze it over time.
Step 2. Practice mindful meditation
If you feel that you are harboring negative thoughts or that you are holding on to something, use mindfulness meditation to let yourself go. Sit down and ask yourself: "What do I feel?". Note your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Observe everything without reacting or intervening. After a minute or so, focus on your breathing. See how you feel as you introduce and expel air from your body. Continue to breathe and feel all the concomitant sensations, without ever distracting yourself from the breath. Focus on everything you feel on a psycho-physical level.
- If you let yourself be led astray by your thoughts, always return to the breath;
- Don't frustrate your efforts by expecting the effects to come suddenly. Mindful meditation is difficult at first, but it will get easier if you are consistent. Don't give up even if your mind starts wandering at first.
Step 3. Use positive phrases
Find a statement or mantra to repeat when you have a hard time accepting something. In this way, you will be able to take your attention away from a situation and overcome what is distressing you. Choose an encouraging phrase like: "I give up" or "There's no problem leaving everything behind." Repeat this in mind when you start to feel trapped or don't want to hang on to something.
- Among other examples consider: "I'm not in control, but it's all right" or "Forgetting, I'll be free";
- You could also write a few sentences on a self-adhesive note and place it in a spot you often have an eye on, such as on a mirror or computer monitor. You can even schedule your phone to wake you up to send you alerts with your chosen phrases.
Step 4. Create a symbolic acceptance ritual
You can choose a moment to finally close with something, inventing a real ritual. For example, write down everything you think about the situation that you cannot change. Then burn the paper as a symbolic act that seals your decision to move on. Invite a friend or family member you trust to attend your "farewell service" if you feel the need for moral support.
- You can also make a drawing or collect the items you want to burn, throw away or donate. To move forward, you must move away from whatever represents a link to what you cannot change.
- For example, if you are ready to end a relationship that has hurt you, delete anything that reminds you of the other person or the relationship you had. Write a letter saying you're willing to leave it all behind, then burn it.
Part 2 of 4: Changing the way you think
Step 1. Be understanding with yourself
It is frustrating not to be able to get what you want, but you can be tolerant of yourself if you admit that you have achieved something other than what you hoped for. Think about what you are feeling and why. Whether you are sad or nervous, don't be afraid to acknowledge and express your mood.
- Think: "It is difficult not to be able to intervene in some way to get what I want";
- By confiding in a friend, you can reduce the experience you have lived. It can be very helpful to feel that what you are feeling is normal and shareable.
Step 2. Consider your needs rather than what you want
It's easy to get upset when a relationship doesn't go the way you hoped. However, sometimes the causes lie in shortcomings and defects rather than in "objective factors". For example, a disagreement or an argument is not as serious as violence.
- Suppose you have had a fight with a friend and that, in order to be at peace, you feel the "need" to apologize. It probably seems like the only way to regain your serenity, but is it necessary to go that far? Maybe you should just put this relationship behind you and move on, no matter how unpleasant it is. You can feel at peace with yourself even when you don't get what you want.
- Again suppose a friend dies in a car accident. Of course, there is no solution to stem this loss. However, you have the option of accepting that what has happened cannot be undone and that your friend's love, friendship and teachings will always accompany you, even if it is no longer there.
- You can forget the resentment if you choose to do so. You don't need anything from anyone to move on or get rid of something. Try saying, "I decide to forgive this person and move on with my life." You may not be convinced at first, but it will be fine anyway.
Step 3. Acknowledge the things that are under or out of your control
Many people link feeling in control of their surroundings and the consequences of a situation to a greater sense of well-being. On the contrary, perceiving the lack of it can seem like a threat. If you have a hard time letting go of something, think about what you can actually control, and if you can't master a situation, remember that at least you are in control of your reactions.
For example, if you have not passed the entrance tests for medical school, you certainly are unable to change what happened. However, you can manage the way you react and understand to what extent the situation affects your mood. For example, you may feel sad, dejected, and disheartened. In spite of everything, have your intelligence or merits been compromised? Avoid shattering your self-esteem even when you don't get what you want
Step 4. Look at the big picture
While something may seem vital, ask yourself how it will affect your future. Ultimately, will it still be important in five years? Is there a chance that positive things will happen to you even if you haven't achieved what you wanted? Despite the disappointment and uncertainty, it is not certain that other more advantageous opportunities will not come.
- Think about other opportunities you might take. You may not have landed your dream job, but you can find a similar opportunity or decide to pursue a completely different career.
- Also consider past disappointments. Have you definitely overcome them? Did they irreparably affect your life or did you manage to move on and leave them behind? Starting from these questions, you have the opportunity to change your perspective.
Part 3 of 4: Moving Forward in Life
Step 1. Accept the changes
To move on, it is necessary to accept that situations change. If you frown on the idea of achieving a certain result, you will have even more difficulty moving forward. Accepting changes means letting go of the past and opening up to the present and the future. It is not easy at first, especially if the decision is not up to you. Once you get over the discomfort, consider gaining a perspective that allows you to accept the new circumstances.
For example, if you want to buy a house, but your offer has not been accepted, you acknowledge that you cannot buy it. Even if you feel disappointed, make an effort to consider other housing solutions that may suit your needs
Step 2. Look at the glass as half full
Think of the positive aspects that come with disengaging from what you cannot change. As much as certain events can bring you down or make you suffer even in trying to overcome them, identify what positive sides could arise.
- Maybe you have the opportunity to realize that you are much stronger and more resilient than you would have imagined. You may be able to establish more clearly the goals to pursue or the direction you intend to take in life. You may also understand who the true and loyal friends are.
- For example, if you are trying to forget the end of a love story, you may find that you have close friends who love you and support you in the most critical moments.
Step 3. Forgive
If you have to forgive someone to move on, don't hesitate. Perhaps you are resentful that your parents weren't close to you when you were a child or because they got divorced. If some people have hurt you and you are having a hard time putting this unpleasant situation behind you because you still harbor resentment, consider how forgiveness could help you accept what you cannot change. Forgiving a person is not about justifying their behavior or forgetting what happened, but about getting rid of the pain they caused.
- For example, you can write or tell your parents, "You did your best, but I needed you when I was little. Now that I am an adult I can take care of myself, but I can also forgive you for not giving me the affection that I needed as a child ".
- It is not necessary to offer forgiveness in person. You can do it within yourself, even by addressing those who are no longer there.
Part 4 of 4: Asking for Help
Step 1. Rely on friends and family
Find someone who can listen to you and loves you. Do not feel like a burden and do not think that you are weak by confiding in him your state of mind. Those who love you do not hesitate to support you and be close to you in difficult times. While it's always best to talk in person, a phone call, email, or video call can also be helpful.
- Make time to see yourself regularly with your friends. If you tend to isolate yourself, make an effort to stay in touch with others.
- Remember to give friends a chance to catch up on their daily life too, so try to listen to them. This way, you won't feel like you're a burden. Friendship is give and take, so encourage people who love you to rely on you.
Step 2. Join a support group
A support group is a protected space where you can talk to individuals who have had similar experiences to yours. It gives you the opportunity to tell your past, offer moral support, provide suggestions, receive advice and connect with other people. If you feel lonely against your difficulties or feel like no one can relate to you, a support group will show you that you can rely on others.
Join a support group in your city or find one online
Step 3. Go to therapy
If you are struggling to leave a situation behind and think you need help or support, you probably need a therapist. Perhaps you are worried that you have acquired new behaviors or habits or you cannot manage stress. If you think you can benefit from externalizing your problems, consult a therapist who works near you.
