Sexual intercourse is potentially fraught with positive and negative implications. Inexperience, lack of confidence, or any sexual problems that have occurred in the past are likely to aggravate the fear of sex. Both women and men share certain concerns, but they also have individual difficulties to deal with. Intimacy, self-help strategies, and psychological counseling can help free you from your fears.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Free yourself from Fears
Step 1. Face your fears
Recognize what scares you and challenge it. When fear of sex, one must come to know the cause of that fear. By identifying what worries you, you will be able to focus on finding a solution.
- Sit down and write a list of your fears about sex. You may not know how to approach the subject, you are troubled by the thought that you might be wrong, or you are embarrassed about your physical appearance when you take off your clothes.
- Face your fears by listing the solutions you can take to overcome them. For example, if you don't know how to approach the subject with someone, ask a trusted friend how they have sex or find someone who does it well and model their behavior. Watching some romantic scenes from a movie may also help.
- If you are afraid of doing something wrong, you should analyze the problem and understand which techniques are right for you. By preparing yourself and gaining more information, you can reduce any kind of fear.
Step 2. Learn about human anatomy and physiology
The structure and functioning of the human body have been studied for centuries. There are a variety of sources that you can turn to to find out if you are unfamiliar with some or all of the parts of the human female or male anatomy.
- If your fear is related to the fact that you do not know the external genitalia of women and men well, then it is time to delve into the subject.
- The female genitals include: the vagina, a tubular shaped organ that connects the genitals with the uterus; the uterus, a hollow muscular organ in which the fetus grows during pregnancy; the vulva, which includes all the visible external parts (the mount of Venus, the labia majora, the labia minora, the clitoris, the urethra, the vaginal vestibule, the perineal body); the glans, the tip of the clitoris, a highly sensitive organ.
- The male genitals include: the penis, which is the cylindrical body of erectile tissue; the testicles, oval-shaped glandular organs contained within a sac called the scrotum; the glans, the apical structure found at the tip of the penis.
- The four physiological phases of the sexual response are: arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution (refractory period).
- Orgasm is a genital reflex regulated by some nerve centers in the spinal cord and is experienced differently by women and men.
- Once you understand the basic structure and functions of the sexual organs, you will feel more in control of yourself and have more control over your fears about sex.
Step 3. Develop an action plan
By developing an action plan, it is possible to overcome most fears - and that of sex is no exception. Identify what your main goals are, decide what steps to take and stick to your plan.
- Make a list of the things that scare you. Are you afraid of having sex on a date? Are you scared of asking someone out? Worried about being unattractive, having bad breath or excessive sweating?
- Consider your problem by taking it one step at a time. For example, if you're afraid of suggesting a date, first start asking them what time it is. Even if you don't come up with an invitation or don't have sex with this person, you will still have tried to approach and ask a question. It is the first step towards your goal.
- By working hard to find a solution, you will ease your fears. By developing an action plan, you will have the feeling that you are taking steps to improve your situation.
Step 4. Practice
To overcome the fear of sex, it is necessary to proceed gradually on your journey. Some research indicates that it is easier to overcome a fear by facing it in an imaginary situation or during a real experience. The goal is to develop positive habits.
- Learn to satisfy yourself. Find out what makes you feel good by touching yourself, imagining interacting with a person, or using erotic gadgets designed to get aroused.
- If you meet a well-disposed partner, over time you can gain experience in communicating your feelings, holding hands with the other person, kissing, massaging, touching erogenous zones, and ultimately getting to sexual intercourse. Don't rush to do too many things together, otherwise you will only increase existing fears.
Step 5. Express your emotions
When engaging in conversation with someone you care about, try to be kind and thoughtful, but also show them some emotional openness. In fact, sex is an experience that involves emotional involvement, so take this into account when talking to your partner and when he talks to you.
- If for some reason you feel physically or emotionally uncomfortable, tell the person you are with and get to a quiet place. For example, if everything seems a bit rushed to you or you feel physically unwell, say, "I have to stop here. I don't feel comfortable."
- Don't get carried away too quickly into situations involving intercourse. The consequences could be dangerous. You can open up to someone on an emotional level and, at the same time, be discreet about how involved you feel.
Step 6. Remember to take pleasure
Sexual interactions should be so enjoyable that you are completely relaxed and aroused. By focusing on pleasure, you will distract yourself from your fears.
By relieving tension during sexual intercourse, you will be able to feel freer. For example, try to be cheerful, frivolous, and don't take yourself too seriously. This attitude will allow both of you to put yourself at ease
Part 2 of 4: Addressing Human Concerns
Step 1. Understand how the body works
The human body is amazing. There is no one like yours and, therefore, you need to take care of it in order to become familiar with your sexuality. By eating properly, sleeping enough hours and exercising, you will be able to keep yourself healthy and retain a positive idea of yourself.
- Certain drugs and alcohol can impair the normal functioning of the body. Avoid them to eliminate your persistent fears.
- If you have trouble getting and maintaining an erection, consult a doctor who specializes in solving these problems.
- Usually, erectile dysfunction results from poor blood supply to the penis. Eating foods that promote good vascular health and following a program that keeps the heart healthy can help against this problem. It is therefore advisable to stick to a diet rich in fruits and vegetables, whole grains, fiber, lean meats and low-fat dairy products.
Step 2. Lower your expectations to improve performance
If you put too much pressure on yourself, you won't get any benefit. If you fear that you are not a great lover and that you will not be able to meet your partner's needs, then you should change your way of thinking.
- Men tend to be competitive in many ways, which is not always healthy. This attitude becomes a problem if during sexual intercourse it produces so much stress that you think more about "winning" than enjoying the other person's company. If you are overly focused on the thought of having a certain "success", it means that you are in dire need of external confirmation.
- Focus on the reciprocity in your interaction with the other person. In this way you will shift the attention away from yourself, directing it on the experience you are experiencing and on your partner.
- Don't judge yourself. Your self-esteem does not depend on your sexual performance. You are a complete person with many positive qualities and abilities. Don't limit yourself to just one aspect of your life.
- Make a list of the positive characteristics that belong to you and how they benefit yourself and the people around you.
Step 3. Enrich your emotional vocabulary
It is a bit difficult for everyone to understand their state of mind and communicate it clearly to others. A sense of frustration can arise when you don't know what you're feeling. Maybe you are afraid of saying the wrong thing or not expressing your true intentions.
- Start writing down the feelings you are experiencing. Writing helps organize thoughts about your fears and gives you a clearer idea of how it feels. It is not necessary to express yourself flawlessly. The important thing is to let one's emotions emerge from the subconscious in order to recognize them and, therefore, process them.
- If there is something you would like to say to someone, repeat it mentally. Imagine meeting that particular person and having a good chat with them.
- Don't force yourself to label your feelings. There is no need to classify everything for it to be true. You may feel slightly unstable, nervous and agitated, but you also feel a little nauseous. You are probably in love or infatuated with someone. These feelings can be confusing.
Part 3 of 4: Addressing the Woman's Concerns
Step 1. Try to safeguard yourself
The main concern of women when having sex is safety. Taking precautions helps alleviate the fear of being emotionally or physically hurt. If you are concerned about getting pregnant, losing your virginity or being discovered by your parents, you can manage all of these by protecting yourself.
- You are in control of your body. Avoid what makes you lose it, like alcohol or drugs.
- Make sure you are comfortable and ready for sex.
- Always be sure someone knows where you are when you might have sex with someone.
- Defend yourself from the risk of pregnancy by using a method of contraception. Fear of getting pregnant can push you to make responsible choices.
Step 2. Don't compare yourself to others
It can be dangerous to compete or compare yourself with the people you hang out with. Becoming sexually active is a game changer for everyone. Resist the social pressures that cause you to join a group or get accepted through sexual favors.
- Sexual development is a very subjective and unique aspect of one's life. This is a personal experience, so you need to take responsibility for it. Don't let others negatively influence your decisions. You have to learn to set your limits by trusting yourself. In this way you will learn to defend yourself against all your fears.
- Suppose, for example, that a person shows you a lot of attention and eventually agrees to go out with them. Your affection for him grows, but not as quickly as the other would like. At one point he says to you: "Actually, I am interested in a lot of girls and, therefore, I think we should have sex. When do we do it? Don't you like me?".
- An effective response would be: "I like you a lot and I'm glad we're getting closer. I appreciate the fact that you have been patient with me so far. However, they can't make the decision to have sex with you in a hurry. If you feel the need to have sex with you. dating some other girl, I have no choice but to let you go."
Step 3. Claim your right to say "no"
Sexual assault, violence within the home or during a relationship and stalking are very serious topics. As a woman (like anyone else), you need to clarify your intentions regarding possible sexual intercourse. You have the option to terminate a sexual encounter at any time. When you say "no" and "stop", it means "enough!".
- Take care of yourself as you would your best friend. If under any circumstances you feel like you are in danger, always follow your intuition. Don't worry if you want to change your plans, change your mind, and decline an invitation. Trust your instincts.
- The important thing to remember is that you need to trust the person you are with in order to make clear and responsible decisions.
Part 4 of 4: Seeking Professional Help
Step 1. Find a therapist
If you are avoiding sexual contact and the thought of having sex creates an excessive or unreasonable sense of anxiety or panic, you should seek help from a therapist. It could be a symptom of a phobia rather than a normal reaction to your fears.
- Physical symptoms of phobias include: sweating, tremor, feeling lightheaded, and difficulty breathing. A psychologist can help you deal with these spies and the underlying condition.
- Consult a therapist if you have experienced sexual violence in the past that may prevent you from enjoying sex. By talking to a counselor and working through your trauma, you will have the opportunity to improve relationships with others.
Step 2. Learn some relaxation techniques
If both of you are relaxed, it is better for both of you. Getting intimate with someone in a calm state of mind removes fears and improves enjoyment.
- Relaxation techniques include guided imagery, biofeedback (or biological feedback), and breathing exercises. They are useful for reducing stress and fears. Use them before interacting with someone.
- Guided imagery involves focusing on soothing images and can be done alone or with the help of a therapist.
- Biofeedback is a technique that teaches you to lower your heart rate and blood pressure, symptoms associated with fear.
- Breathing exercises help calm the nervous system which triggers the "fight or flight" reaction that occurs when you are afraid.
- If you get scared when you are in an intimate situation with someone, take a break and take a minute to breathe and practice the relaxation techniques you have learned.
Step 3. Confront your negative thoughts
Thoughts condition emotions. There is a tendency to overestimate the negative consequences before they occur and to underestimate one's ability to cope and manage situations. These are unbalanced beliefs that need to be questioned.
- Let's say, for example, that you are quite nervous and afraid of throwing up on the person you are kissing. Challenge this fear by saying, "You can't predict the future and you've never threw up on anyone. If you feel nauseous, apologize and go to the bathroom. You can handle this."
- You are stronger than you think. If you feel that you don't have the skills necessary to deal with problems, acquire them and improve them. For example, analyze how you cope with another fear in your life and apply the same system. Also, see how people you value handle difficult situations. Ask them for any advice you could follow.
- Try to converse with yourself in a positive way to calm your mind and calm your nerves. For example, if you feel your fear, anxiety, or stress increases, try saying to yourself, "You are fine. It will be a pleasant experience. You have no reason to feel embarrassed. Have fun."
Advice
- Don't be afraid to tell your partner how you feel. If you want him to do something, tell him.
- Be cautious when choosing a partner for sex. You have to trust the person and be sure you want to share that special part of yourself.
- Uncertainty increases fear. The latter, on the other hand, decreases as your sexual experiences increase.
- Protect yourself from the risk of pregnancy by using proper contraception.
- It takes courage to face one's fears. Therefore, try to be brave and you will see the benefits.
- Establish a code word with your partner that you can both use when and if one of you is feeling insecure and fearful. This gives you both a way to stop and take a break.
- Breathing is the most useful thing in all sex-related situations. If you feel even a little uncomfortable, take a deep breath and try to relax.
- Take your time to analyze how you feel during your sexual intercourse.
- Be cheerful and witty, but make it clear to the other person that you are not making fun of them.
- If the reason you are afraid of having sex is that you have experienced sexual abuse or violence, try to discuss your concerns with your partner before building some intimacy with him. If you are both informed, the chances of someone being hurt will be lower.
- Let your partner understand the gravity of your fears. If you burst into tears or start to feel lightheaded every time they touch your mind, tell the other person well in advance so they can be attentive to you.
- Don't feel guilty if you don't intend to have sex. If the other person really wants to be with you, they will respect your wishes.
- At any moment, tears can come out of the eyes. Don't have a hard time crying in front of your partner.
Warnings
- If your partner doesn't even try to console you when you have a hard time dealing with your fears, they are not worthy of being in your life.
- Never let someone induce you to have sex through words, guilt, pressure, use of force or manipulation, regardless of your will.
- Unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy, the transmission of sexual diseases, and even death. If you are not ready to take responsibility for the consequences, you need to take the necessary precautions and use a condom.
- The inability to achieve and maintain an erection can be a symptom of a more serious condition. Consult a doctor to resolve this problem.
- Fear of sex is different from sexual phobias, which are much more serious. It is possible to discuss both issues with a psychotherapist.
- The only 100% reliable contraception is abstinence.
