Many believe that relationships should be easy and that problems should be solved as if nothing had happened, but a marriage often requires a considerable commitment. Hiring a marriage counselor is one of the best ways to collaborate and overcome difficulties, and it is a good solution if you and your partner are not really able to manage your relationship properly on your own. Don't wait until you reach a point of no return. If you think you need an expert, read on to figure out what to do.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Part 1: Thinking About Your Relationship in General
Step 1. Admit you have a problem
Some let their relationships deteriorate because they are unwilling to acknowledge, either with themselves or with their partner, that they feel bored, dissatisfied, or misunderstood. Admitting that your marriage needs work is the first step to solving the problem.
Step 2. Think about your feelings
Before trying to fix the relationship, you need to consider your thoughts and emotions. While it can be painful, you need to ask yourself if you really love your wife. Otherwise, the attempt to save the marriage could fail (especially if you don't believe you can recover the feelings you used to have).
If you feel you no longer care about your partner, ask yourself if it's a defense mechanism. Sometimes, when you feel hurt by a loved one, you adopt an attitude of indifference to protect yourself from feelings such as sadness, rejection and vulnerability
Step 3. Answer honestly:
Do you and your wife take each other for granted now? At the beginning of a relationship, people tend to present the best versions of themselves: they work on their physical appearance, they strive to listen carefully, and they take the other person's feelings seriously. A marriage requires a long-term commitment though, and over the years, you and your partner may have begun to take each other for granted. This is a sign that you have to work hard to recover the relationship, perhaps with the help of a consultant.
Step 4. Consider your intimacy
Do you and your partner have a good romantic connection? Is your daily life made of affection and support or have you become mere roommates? See if the distance has grown between you, think about what you are willing to do to build a bridge. Are you planning to participate in several sessions with a marriage counselor and to change your behaviors?
Take this issue particularly seriously if you think you have neglected your partner. When one person feels left out because the other just seems to be preoccupied with work, hobbies, and other interests, it can have a bearing on the marriage
Step 5. Consider your sex life
Are you satisfied with it? If your partner has suddenly stopped taking the initiative, this could indicate a problem: maybe she has a lover, she is worried about other reasons, or she feels more and more distant. It's a real problem, and the same goes for you: if your sexual desire for your partner has decreased, this should be a cause for concern.
Step 6. Ask yourself if you are masking your negative emotions
If you often feel like you are pretending that everything is fine or suppressing sadness, anger, or frustration, you should consider talking to your wife about seeing a marriage counselor. This specialist can help you express negative emotions in healthy ways.
Step 7. Talk to your partner
She, too, has to examine her feelings, and you both have to decide if you are willing to go to therapy. If one does not want to participate in such a process (or neither does), it will not be useful.
Part 2 of 3: Part 2: Dealing with Crises and Conflicts
Step 1. Find a marriage counselor if separation seems imminent
When one of you starts talking about divorce or separation (or both of you), it's time to seriously consider the relationship. If you both want it to work, get in touch with a consultant as soon as possible.
This suggestion is valid even if the quarrels have become so severe that one of the two of them has to leave home, resulting in an unexpected and short-term separation. This scheme is potentially harmful, and it doesn't fix anything. Whatever the problem, it will remain unsolved, and it could escalate
Step 2. See a marriage counselor if either of you has been unfaithful (or both)
Infidelity doesn't necessarily lead to divorce, but it can take a lot of work and commitment, because breaking someone's trust always generates pain and misunderstanding. In these situations it is recommended that you receive professional assistance.
Infidelity can be emotional or physical. When a couple feels distant, they become vulnerable to so-called emotional betrayal. You develop feelings towards someone else, you get close to this person, but the relationship does not necessarily become sexual in nature. An emotional betrayal is a wake-up call: your marriage needs a lot of effort to recover
Step 3. Get help if either of you has a mental disorder
In the event that your partner is dealing with a depression, anxiety or other problem, the relationship may suffer. In addition to considering individual psychotherapy for the person experiencing these difficulties, a marriage counselor should be consulted together.
Step 4. You may seek help following a traumatic experience
People who suffer from it sometimes find themselves having difficulty managing their marriage. If you have been through an extremely upsetting or stressful event (or it happened to your partner), you may want to seek out a marriage counselor who will help you repair any damage in the relationship. Choose one if, for example, the report has been scratched by:
- The death of a parent, child or other close relative.
- A serious illness.
- A sexual assault, assault, or other unpleasant experience.
Step 5. See a marriage counselor if you and your partner have differences regarding your parenting role
Starting a family requires many changes, which can throw the relationship off balance. It is necessary to speak to a specialist if:
- You can't agree on whether to have children (or more children).
- You cannot agree on how to discipline them.
- Argue about education.
- Think about continuing to be together just for the kids.
Part 3 of 3: Part 3: Troubleshoot Communication Issues
Step 1. Ask for help if you do nothing but fight
If every conversation seems to end in a heated argument, seek out a marriage counselor, especially if the arguments are becoming increasingly negative and difficult.
In a healthy marriage, fights shouldn't cross certain boundaries, resulting in heavy criticism or insults. You should always show some respect and affection towards your partner, to prevent the discussion from becoming too harsh or going down hard. In case you and your wife can't, it's definitely best to go to a marriage counselor
Step 2. Consider couples therapy even if you always fight about the same things, and it has become a constant
If you find yourself in a vicious circle and have become a "broken record", this probably means that the unsolved problems will remain unsolved. You should go to a specialist to communicate better and find a remedy for the difficulties you have had for a long time.
Step 3. Take negative communication episodes seriously
In a healthy relationship, most exchanges should be positive and loving (or, at least, neutral). On the other hand, if you and your partner insult each other, complain or neglect your needs, it is negative communication, and this means that the relationship has serious problems.
Step 4. Seek out a marriage counselor if you haven't supported each other in a while
You and your partner should support and encourage each other to pursue your goals and become better people. If either of you feels neglected or unsupported (or happens to both), communication could break down. A marriage counselor can help you express your needs clearly and support you more effectively.
Step 5. Ask for help if you can't understand each other well
When points of view are different or conflicting in a couple, it can be difficult to explain to the other person and make sure that one's feelings are understood. A marriage counselor can help you deal with these communication issues, including:
- Different values.
- Different religious beliefs.
- Different ideas on how to raise your children.
- Different interests.
- Different ideas about what married life should be like.
Step 6. Resolve Economic Conflicts
Marriage counselors can also be helpful in dealing with disputes over money, which often have their origins in communication problems. If you and your partner don't know how to communicate adequately about how money is spent, the budget, or who should control finances, such a specialist is a great resource.
Advice
- Understand that conflicts and quarrels are normal and healthy in any marriage. You shouldn't expect a relationship that is free of fights. However, you can change the tone and effectiveness of bickering by working to learn to respect yourself more.
- See a marriage counselor as soon as you think it is a serious problem; you shouldn't wait too long, letting the relationship deteriorate. Once in therapy, many couples realize they should have taken this step much sooner.
- If you decide to go to a marriage counselor, try to go there with an open mind and a positive attitude. Overall, this will help you to successfully improve the relationship.
