People who try to control others are not, simply said, neither polite nor respectful, but self-centered and immature. If you are in constant contact with them, you will probably be forced to live an unfulfilling life and to limit your autonomy. To avoid being influenced by an authoritarian person or understanding that between the two of you it is she who has problems, reading this article you will find some proven methods that will allow you to recognize a despotic individual and react accordingly.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Analyzing his Behavior
Step 1. First of all consider how you feel when you are in the company of the people who are part of your life
Do you cultivate relationships in which you feel suffocated and feel like you are dominated, confused or stressed? Are you tired of always being told what to do and feeling guilty that you keep giving in? Is there anyone in your life who forces you to walk on tiptoe to stay calm and you always have to try to calm them down or be careful not to send them on a rampage? Do you know someone who seems to have a "switch" that clicks causing them to lose their temper for no reason whatever you say or do? If you have the feeling that these attitudes are recurring, it means that you are dealing with an authoritarian person.
- Everyone can be despotic, men and women. This attitude can occur in relationships of a sentimental or platonic character. Be careful if a jealous friend hates the person who loves you and you love, especially if they are unhappy with their love life.
- Just because a person has a strong character does not necessarily mean that they are also authoritarian. The question you have to ask yourself to understand this is: "Does it allow me to be myself or does it excessively affect my behavior?".
- Distinguish people who have severe problems with setting limits from those who are authoritarian by analyzing their reactions in the following situations. If someone goes into a rage when caught off guard, but doesn't react in an authoritarian way if you change your haircut, lose weight, get fat, and so on, it's simply someone who doesn't allow an invasion of their personal spaces. Personal choices, such as changing religion, starting a diet, taking care of your body and exercising, also come under the question of individual limitations. Even when you think you are right and believe that others are wrong, you may be faced with a rather touchy individual who sets stakes if the situation affects his life and the way he is treated. However, the real problem arises as soon as someone starts telling you who you need to be, what you need to wear, how you need to think and feel emotionally. In this case, he is behaving in a despotic manner.
- Don't be too upset if you realize that sometimes your authoritarian part comes out with others, especially if you grew up in a domineering family environment. In your eyes it is normal to behave like your parents and it will take time before you learn to act differently. If you can break this pattern, you will give yourself a chance to change. When you notice this attitude, don't hesitate to take a step back and apologize to the people you cross the line with. This way, you can save your friendships and heal relationships.
Step 2. Pay attention to mood swings
This is an important signal that allows you to find out if a person is bossy. People with a fickle temperament tend to ruminate for a long time when they think they have suffered injustices and try to remedy their suffering by hurting and controlling others, so that the situation turns in their favor. What's better than having a person at your complete disposal, who rushes when you call them, who takes all responsibility or who is afraid when you don't want to dig deep to understand what triggers your pain?
- Usually, fickle people sulk or tend to spoil moments of joy.
- They often have tantrums when they are convinced that they are not receiving due attention or that their needs are not being met. It is a way of manipulating and controlling that is difficult to perceive because those who carry it out hide behind their suffering, evil and injustices suffered, making others feel guilty.
Step 3. Be suspicious if a person is short-tempered and takes advantage of it often
Outbursts of anger, especially if accompanied by an overbearing attitude (indicative of a cowardly soul trying to dominate others) or threatening (it is easier to issue alarming warnings to hurt people than to investigate the causes of one's suffering), are typical of a despotic personality. Outbursts often occur when you disagree with a person (even if you speak gently to them) or when you don't do what they say (which is very difficult to guess, because despotic subjects expect their minds to be read). She is convinced that her authority is called into question when you disagree or do not bow to her will.
It is difficult to deal with a fickle and at the same time short-tempered person, because you never know how to behave in his presence. Unfortunately, being unable to manage and overcome anger and resentment, he takes it out on others by physically, verbally or sexually assaulting them. Never allow someone to hurt you. It is not your fault that he is in pain. Unfortunately, it is very likely that he engaged in this behavior in childhood and is still perpetuating it today
Step 4. Think about how he reacts to simple questions
Questions can reveal a lot about a person and let you know if they have a craving for control when they respond with frustration or condescension:
- As mentioned earlier, an authoritarian person thinks that others are reading his or her mind. To simple questions such as what to do together, where to go, what he prefers and so on, he could easily become disheartened because he expects you to already know all the answers and his desires and above all that you put his priorities above yours. Since you are dealing with a despotic individual, a question costs him to make decisions when he is convinced that everything is already decided… and based on what is best for him.
- Often people with this temperament think they know how you feel, even when things are different. They would feel frustrated if their image of you contradicts what you are saying.
- By asking a question to a domineering person, you risk irritating them because they believe they are the only one who can ask them.
- From a question he could mean that whoever asks him needs guidance and supervision since he does not know the answer. Over time, the situation actually risks worsening because the despotic tries to control the victim leading her to doubt her decision-making abilities.
Step 5. Listen to how he talks to you
A bossy person can try to control you by making you feel like you are "everything" to them. It comes to flatter yourself even with superficial or vague compliments. Often, however, in the blink of an eye he begins to belittle or mistreat you, especially if he thinks you've done something wrong. If you often feel insignificant, embarrassed, humiliated, or sad after he talks to you, chances are you are dealing with a domineering subject.
- For example, suppose that Catherine is a point of reference for Mary and that the latter commands her like a wand. Maria often tells Caterina that there is a beautiful friendship between them, but she does not agree to define her as a best friend, although Caterina does the opposite. In this way, Maria hints at a possibility, but gives no confirmation, keeping the other girl under control.
- An authoritarian person can demoralize you or make you feel stupid to convince you that you can't do without them. For example, Marco tells his girlfriend Martina that, being overweight, she would never be able to find another guy and that she was lucky to have met him. This is a prevaricating behavior to which one must never give in.
- Often despotic individuals humiliate or criticize others in order to feel stronger and give the impression that they are superior and have the situation in hand. In fact, they are easy to spot because they define everyone else as corrupt, stupid, bad, ridiculous, annoying, etc. (when in all likelihood they are not).
Step 6. Beware of people who seem unable to understand or accept the word "no"
They tend to persist until you get tired and give in by turning your stark refusal into weak assent, even making you feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. Remember that you have every right to make your own decisions, even the wrong ones, and to refuse to comply with any request.
A very common attitude in couple relationships is one in which the despotic partner exerts pressure on the other to have sex. If the other person pushes you to have sex even when you don't feel like it, it means that they are trying to influence your behavior to get what they want. Remember that you have every right to refuse
Step 7. Observe what happens when you want to be yourself and do things on your own
Even if you are usually a strong person, do you often have to change your way of being, your plans or your point of view to fit someone else? If the answer is yes, you are probably dealing with an authoritarian person. Here are some warning signs:
- Does the person you're with ignore, underestimate, or minimize your experiences or how you feel? Authoritarian subjects they try to limit the world of others. If you claim to be tired and the other person contradicts you, know that you have a domineering individual next to you.
- Do you often find that you have to change your plans to meet her? Let's say you've planned your day and then you get a call from a friend informing them of your plans. If he's the bossy type, he'll want to join you, but the schedules you set won't suit him. In short, after this phone call your plans have changed as if by magic. You end up seeing a movie that doesn't interest you at a time that doesn't suit you.
Step 8. See how this person reacts to difficulties, mutually agreed decisions or responsibilities
It is in these situations that an authoritarian person shows his true nature. Unlike an opinionated person (who can actually be a nuisance, but doesn't try to exert any control because he only gives voice to his opinions), someone who is domineering does not have the ability to tolerate or accept differences with others. Indeed, he is always looking for a way to change a part of your character or personality, reshape you in a desperate attempt to control the world around him. While it is not possible to think that romantic relationships are a form of democracy, on the other it must be considered that they are not even a form of dictatorship. It is important to seek a balance that makes you feel comfortable in any relationship, so to build a healthy relationship it is essential to be able to compromise, tolerate, be resilient, give and take in both directions.
- Most authoritarian people will talk to you like this: "You are the problem" or "You have a problem". It is never their fault.
- Most of the time, a despotic person has difficulty in objectively managing problems and tries to manipulate speech by blaming others when confronted with his mistakes. If this happens, end the conversation and don't allow her to blame you or discredit you or others.
- If you really love her, the "bond" you have with her can further complicate the situation, whether you want to see each other or want to separate, because driven by your feeling you seek continuous justifications for her behavior.
Part 2 of 3: Observe her Social Interactions
Step 1. Observe what happens when he is in the company of your friends
Be careful when a domineering person is surrounded by your friends and affections. He will try to make trouble, create discord, divide you by telling lies about you or them (to make a good impression), and even destroy your bonds.
- His goal is to isolate you from others in order to have you all to himself within the world he is trying to build for you. Be careful. Any attempt to get away from your friends or demean them is a wake-up call.
- Those who are bossy are usually very jealous. His jealousy goes beyond the fact that he doesn't like when someone winks at you: he often acts as if you are his property and has the right to question about the people you have to spend your time with, what you have to do, what places you can go and when you need to go home. It is not a sign of affection, but pure and simple possession.
Step 2. Find out if he has any friends
Authoritarians usually have no close friends and seldom hang out with more interesting, intelligent, or well-liked people than they are themselves. They tend to be jealous of those who are known or successful and criticize people who enjoy the esteem of others. If he has no friends, it means that he can't stand anyone and that he needs to build relationships that give him strong control.
Remember that relationships and friendships are not built on the basis of domination of one over the other, but are based on exchange and sharing, on a balance between giving and receiving
Step 3. Beware of abuses of power over administrative and social issues, even when certain rights are shared
An authoritarian person tends to use social and legal relationships, through all necessary channels, to threaten to sue, divorce, manipulate marriage, lease with other roommates, share cell phone plans, misuse money in common and similar contracts. Even through social networks, he can block and unblock someone instead of eliminating him from his friendships in an attempt to control a complicated or bad relationship. All this because a bully and bossy person is in desperate need of domination.
Suspect excesses of generosity on the part of a domineering person: it is a way to impress you, in order to control you. By showering yourself with attention, it will ensure that you always get the impression that your relationship benefits you and that you feel indebted over time. Eventually, he will take advantage of it to check on you
Part 3 of 3: Getting rid of an authority person
Step 1. Accept its true nature
Trust your feelings and try to be honest with yourself. If you see these signs in the other person and smell rotten in everything around them, it means that you need to eliminate them from your life or treat them differently. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is no time to blame yourself for being so stupid that you were duped. A partner's despotic temperament can suddenly reveal itself in a relationship: disguised with lots of attention and care, infinite sweetness and kindness towards you, it turns into a knife that turns in the sore once it realizes that it "has you in hand".
- The stronger you prove yourself, the more the authoritarian will try to control you: it's a matter of ego. When he compliments you by pointing out that you are a strong person, he is targeting you indirectly: he would like to be like you, but he doesn't have the courage.
- If you need it, don't be afraid to reach out to people you trust. They will allow you to acquire a more balanced outlook on life and will push you to mature your subjectivity and your independence away from this person. Do not explain to her about your need for change, otherwise by manipulating you she will try to exercise even stronger control if she knows how far you are willing to go. Just make the changes you want.
Step 2. Prepare to set limits and keep your point of view
Expect him to exert pressure or make you feel guilty when you act the way you have decided. He will probably try to manipulate you by saying, "You will surely agree with me that …" or "If you really love me, you will …". Alternatively, it can be more incisive with other phrases: "If you leave, then …", "You must …" and so on. When you hear this kind of talk, don't go beyond the limits that you have imposed on yourself.
- Be firm and speak clearly and directly, for example saying: "I will no longer tolerate the fact that you want to control the way I use the Internet. If you want to be with me, know that I need my privacy."
- Don't be surprised if he reacts badly to your attempt to free yourself from the grip of his control. When a domineering person feels like they are losing control, they may somatize this discomfort by manifesting physical problems such as back pain, stomach pain or headache, being sad and crying, fainting or scratching. It is simply a way to dominate the situation by attracting the attention, compassion and concern of others. Take her to the doctor if you are worried (by doing so, you will also find out if she has hypochondriac tendencies), but don't fall for it under her will.
- An authoritarian person is very skilled at manipulating people, whatever the underlying reason behind their need for control. He doesn't like you to defend your views on something that is close to your heart. Always try to stay calm during a tough confrontation and not lose control. Remember that she will most likely lose him as you are challenging her dominance. If she starts to get verbally violent, end the conversation immediately, either by leaving or by saying hello and hanging up the phone.
Step 3. Don't expect it to improve
You know that this person feels the need to control everything, but you don't have to put yourself in a position to "solve his problem". Remember that you will never be able to "change" her, unless she is willing to do it herself, and that your explanations will only serve to give her a means to manipulate you even more. Always keep in mind that the problem is yours and not yours. Focus on your behavior and your problems, but don't think you can "change" a despotic subject: it is not possible.
Step 4. Be trustworthy (fair and honest), but don't include those who manipulate you by distorting facts and weaving a web of lies into your life horizon
Often, the domineering person prompts you to confide in yourself or answer seemingly innocuous questions that they use to inquire about the most unpleasant experiences you have experienced, your weaknesses or failures. It will then use that information to persuade you to do something or manipulate you. Authoritarian people have a very long memory of what they discovered during their investigations.
If someone you've just met is already asking you for intimate or very personal information, be careful; it could be a domineering person
Step 5. Decide to distance yourself
If possible, avoid this person if you believe they are trying to control you. You may also decide to cut all ties, but it's difficult if it's a family member, loved one, or colleague. Here's how you could deal with it:
- Be kind to him, without going too far.
- Do not make decisions that affect you personally if you are confused or agitated, or you will dramatically increase their tendency to dominate you. It is a person who wants to make you hesitate or move away from what you want to do in studies, in life, in your professional career. By rejecting and despising your point of view, unless it is completely agreed, it has nothing more than to deny your individuality. For your part, turn the situation around by saying that you appreciate his help, but that you will not change your mind, you will go your own way, you will do what is best for you and you will remain the person you are.
Step 6. Detach with compassion
While it is important to be understanding, you also need to be able to detach yourself and let go of the attitudes, character and problems of those who intend to dominate you. His problems don't concern you and you don't have to take it upon yourself. Every human being must learn to bring out the best side of himself. By justifying a person's domineering attitude just because they have had a difficult life or continue to have problems that cause them to behave badly, you will harm yourself and them. If you are detached and at the same time understanding, you will continue to love her, but without getting emotionally involved or trapped in her web.
- By adopting a detached and understanding approach, you will always love the person, but you will also be able to recognize that their behavior is wrong and intolerable. You will not accept her attitudes or allow her to continue interfering in your life. For example, if a friend is trying to control your dating, you might say, "I respect you a lot, but I can't be friends with someone who prevents me from having other relationships. If you are able to be more free and open with me, we will be able to continue to see each other, but if you insist, we will no longer be able to be friends ".
- You cannot learn to separate yourself from people overnight and you will make many mistakes before you succeed. In any case, the more you practice distancing, the freer you will be and the sooner you will accept others as they are without trying to help, save or rescue them. While it's not easy, it's less difficult than depending on someone else's mood.
Advice
- If you are a strong and confident person, over time you may begin to feel strange if whatever you did did not go well with someone who tries to dominate you, especially on matters in which they feel capable and prepared. Listen to your instincts - it might guide you. If you don't follow him now, ten years from now you risk turning into the shadow of the person you thought you would become. Don't let that happen.
- Don't let a domineering individual monopolize you or make you feel helpless. Regardless of the severity of your financial or personal situation, put quality of life first, at the cost of losing such a person!
- Never confide your strangest experiences to an authoritarian subject, nor your deepest thoughts; may use this information against you for the purpose of controlling you. He will most likely take advantage of this to isolate you from others and get people not to like or trust you. Whether he says something in your presence or talks behind your back, he probably wants to manipulate you - pulling strings as if you were a puppet - to become your only "friend" (the "controller of your mind" like a puppeteer).
- Remember that you cannot control others, only your own reactions that you are aware of towards them. Make sure you handle situations in the best way you see fit, but don't overreact to try to get close to someone or get them back. This attitude will get you nowhere.
- If he is isolating you or pushing you to spend more time alone with his family or friends, it means he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
- A domineering person in a very strong position can exploit others in an attempt to control you from a distance. It may prompt them to ask you what you think of her. Meanwhile, you just get the impression that something is wrong. Do not get involved in a conversation with another person if you suspect that they are using them for this purpose, but just talk about trivial and general topics.
- Lack of autonomy can generate a relationship of codependency. If you are disabled, have financial difficulties or other major problems to solve, it is almost inevitable that for the sake of survival you will end up depending on a person who tries to dominate you. It will be a difficult task to get rid of it if it takes care of your needs or physically assists you. Get informed and ask for the same services and assistance from a more balanced person. Seek help if beyond your real problems someone is controlling and limiting your life.
- Invalidity should be taken into consideration. Sometimes people with disabilities are forced to change plans or are unable to accomplish all they have to. If they say "no" to many things and suggest something else, try to understand why. Test their friendship by talking about topics that concern you personally, such as hair, clothes, your ideas. Since many people are allergic to certain perfumes and fragrances, if someone asks you not to use a certain shampoo or even not to put perfume in their company, theirs are more of a personal boundary request than an opinion about yours. perfume, unless I tell you you MUST use the perfume you want.
Warnings
- Set hard limits on what you think is acceptable or not in dealing with an authoritarian person. It will put your limits to the test to test you. Stand firm in your positions and don't bend over.
- If you find that you have adjusted your interests to those of the other person or that you have abandoned some passion or part of your friends, you are probably living in a relationship in which your partner is dominating you.
- Beware of people who try to play with your sensitivity at the beginning of a friendship to gain your trust. They will tell you that they have had a difficult life, that they have been bullied and that they can only trust you. At the same time, they will push you to tell about your most unpleasant experiences. Then they will want to know what others have said or done to hurt you. Once they discover all this, they will talk about it all the time asking you, "How did you feel when you were betrayed? Don't you think you did something to deserve it?". They seem sincere and caring at first, but then they will backfire on your confidences to subtly offend you until you get their point of view. They will disorient you with their mind games until you come to see yourself the way they like. You will often feel angry, agitated and tired after a conversation with a domineering person, and the person will continue to persuade you to do what you do not want. You can tell if you are having a healthy confrontation with someone when, after confiding in each other, you both feel more relieved and understood. If not, beware of the mind games of bossy people.
