Everyone deserves a life full of love. If you have autism, it can be very difficult to overcome shyness, behave like neurotypical people do when dating, and overcome widespread social prejudices about your disorder. However, with a little practice and perseverance, anyone can have a peaceful love life and establish a beautiful relationship with a person who, knowing about autism, knows how to distinguish true from false information and who is well aware that each individual is unique.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Knowing a Potential Girlfriend
Step 1. Meet a person with whom you can share your interests
One of the simplest ways to find a mate is to connect with a person by exploiting common interests.
- This way, you will have an opportunity to make conversation during your appointments.
- Find a group to share your passions with using a site like Meetup or by taking a class.
- Reflect on the acquaintances you already frequent. Do you know someone you are interested in developing a relationship with?
- Think unconventionally. Contexts for socializing don't have to be real. A video game, like Minecraft, can be a great way to join a community and meet like-minded people, without the tension understandably exerted by face-to-face interactions.
Step 2. Learn to interpret the signals of non-verbal communication if the girl you want to conquer is neurotypical
While you basically want to find a person who can accept the way you communicate, you will probably need to learn to flirt at first and see if someone is interested in you.
- Watch movies and TV shows to get a better idea of these signals, but keep in mind that what they convey isn't always true to reality.
- Make or pretend to make eye contact for a few seconds, then look away. Try to notice if the girl seems to look you in the eye, as this attitude could mean that she likes you.
- Smile a bit'. You should smile at the person you like, but do so by sketching a shy smile and looking away after a few seconds.
- Behave by showing self-confidence. Even if you're not sure if she likes you, act like you're not nervous at all.
Step 3. Find a mentor
Ask a friend, relative, or teacher to prepare you for your appointment. Choose someone who has some experience in this kind of meeting. If you are unsure of your speaking skills, practice conversing or simulate the situation where you will see yourself with the girl.
- Ask your mentor what he looks for in a partner, what behavior he thinks odd for a romantic date, and which one he thinks is suitable. Tell him you appreciate if he answers you truthfully.
- It might be helpful to write down some dating tips.
Step 4. Consider finding a girl online
If you have autism, it may be easier to express your feelings in writing rather than up close. Online dating is a way to meet like-minded people in a safe and structured environment.
- Know what you want in a relationship. Are you looking for something casual or long-lasting? If you clarify this point, you will know how to move forward. There are several dating sites that cater to the needs of various users.
- Decide which dating site might suit your needs. If you prefer, you can also check out websites that connect you with autistic people who are potentially compatible with your character. It can be a great way to relieve the stress generated by interpreting non-verbal communication during a classic date.
Step 5. Look after your appearance
When you start dating girls, you need to make sure you look flawless.
- Bathe regularly, cut your hair, and shave your beard.
- Wear clothes that are clean, ironed and fit you well. Don't hesitate to ask a friend or family member who follows fashion trends to accompany you on a shopping spree. He could recommend the clothes that highlight your charm.
Part 2 of 3: Meet a Girl
Step 1. Start subtly
The first time you ask a girl to go out with you, you need to look casual so she doesn't think you take yourself too seriously.
- Just say: "Hi, would you like to go to the cinema on Saturday?".
- Online messages or conversations can be a great way to send out an invitation early on. Ask your mentor to check your message before sending it.
Step 2. Arrange the appointment
This will release the tension and know what to expect during your meeting.
- You don't need to have your first date in the traditional way if you don't want to. A bar may be too chaotic, while if you go out for dinner, you may feel pressured to have a conversation.
- Try to propose something. For example, if you like bowling, invite the girl to play with you so that when silence falls during a conversation, you can talk about the game you are playing. If you love art, take it to a museum. You will be able to talk together about various masterpieces and a slightly less noisy environment will be more acceptable.
- Write down your appointment plan. Most likely the girl will appreciate your initiative to organize your meeting, even considering it a romantic idea.
Step 3. Let her speak
During the appointment you need to make sure that he has the opportunity to speak at least half of the time. As you listen, nod your head from time to time and speak a few words, such as "interesting", to let her know that you are listening.
- Ask open-ended questions, and if you ask her something she can answer with a yes or no, continue with a question that allows her to express herself more freely. For example, if you ask her, "Do you have brothers or sisters?" and he replies: "Yes, two older brothers", you add: "Who do they look like?".
- When she asks you a question, don't give too short answers, but don't monopolize the conversation either.
Step 4. Find out what he prefers
See what kind of things she likes. What are your favorite movies, books, songs or games? What are your hobbies?
Once he reveals his passions to you, go home and learn more. Listen to his favorite song or read the book he told you about. This will give you a better idea of his character and have something to talk about on the second date
Step 5. Accept any refusal
It is painful, but remember that everyone faces these difficulties in life. Look at the people on the street. Do you like them all? Obviously not. This does not mean that there is something wrong with them, just that they are not good for you. Likewise, you may not be the right person for her and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
- If you fear rejection, try to prepare a response to use when needed, such as "Okay, see you then" and walk away.
- If you use the Internet or a written message to ask her out, keep in mind that silence on the part of the recipient usually means "no". Do not say anything else.
- Don't throw in the towel after a rejection. Look for another person. Dating requires perseverance. A refusal just means there is no compatibility. Don't think you were wrong.
Part 3 of 3: Cultivating the Relationship
Step 1. Explain that you have autism
When you feel comfortable, tell her about your condition and how it affects you on a personal level. If you're dating a neurotypical girl, you need to go out and meet her.
- Be prepared to answer a few questions that might get you in trouble. However, answer them sincerely and concretely.
- A relationship is based on the mutual understanding of the partners. Encourage your girlfriend to use online resources, such as those made available by A Future for Autism and wikiHow, to learn about autism spectrum disorders.
- Show her that you can be an attentive partner, but also explain that sometimes being around people takes a lot of effort.
Step 2. Clarify your limits
In any relationship it is necessary to establish limits, sexual and otherwise, and in the case of autism it can be difficult to interpret non-verbal communication, such as the signals transmitted by body language. Without making judgments, make it clear what her limitations are towards you and invite her to do the same.
- Ask her to honestly tell you what makes her uncomfortable and what behaviors she would not want to see in her boyfriend. Similarly, tell her anything that gets you in trouble, because she doesn't necessarily realize when a small gesture on her part might be unwelcome.
- It may be helpful for both of you to write these things down on a piece of paper or in a message. You will be able to establish and remember your limits more easily if you write them down.
Step 3. Respond by showing all your understanding instead of being too direct
People with autism tend to place a lot of emphasis on the truth and have a hard time lying. It's a nice quality, but in certain situations it can give rise to too brutal attitudes.
- Know when to tell a little "white lie" so you don't hurt your partner's feelings.
- For example, if your girlfriend comes home in a new dress, puts it on and asks if it fits her, say "yes", even if you don't think so.
- Also, be aware that she won't always be frank with you either. This is not to say that you should tolerate the most undeniable lies, but you shouldn't expect him to tell you every detail of his life.
Step 4. Talk regularly
If you sometimes find it difficult to express how you feel, it may be a good idea to update yourself on what you do every week. You can do it over coffee or dinner.
- Try asking yourself a set of fixed questions. Maybe it will become a tender couple ritual and a great way to stay in tune. You will feel listened to and appreciated.
- Here is an example:
- What did I do this week that made you happy?
- What did I do this week that made you sad?
- What would you like to do next week?
Step 5. Show your affection
Think about everything you could do to make your girlfriend smile.
- Write on your phone a list of the things she likes. If one day she tells you that she likes peonies and a particular type of chocolate, write it down.
- Reread this list every now and then. Go out and buy peonies and chocolate even for no reason.
Step 6. Write letters
Whether you have autism or are a neurotypical individual, a written text can be a great way to express your mood to someone.
- Grab a pen and paper and write a letter or send it by email.
- Write down everything you like about your partner in the letter so that she knows.
Advice
- If you don't know if she is single, you can ask her, "Are you seeing someone?". It's a simple question that will clear away any doubts and may help you figure out if she likes you.
- Apologize right away if you make her nervous. Explain to her why you behaved a certain way and tell her that you are sorry for hurting her. Ask how you can fix it and prevent the same situation from happening again. This will show her that you care and will receive her forgiveness as soon as possible.
- If he reacts badly to the thought that you have autism, don't make it personal. The problem lies in his ignorance, so you deserve someone who respects you.
