Adoption is widespread in many countries, and some families decide not to discuss this procedure openly with their adopted children. If you have recently begun to have doubts about where you came from, there are several inquiries you can take to answer your questions. If possible, asking your family is your best bet. However, this can give rise to a whole host of problems. How to raise the question without looking like you are blaming your parents or trying to hurt their feelings? Do you risk making them angry? It's nearly impossible to predict your family's reaction to such a hot topic. Nonetheless, you can facilitate interaction by emphasizing the strength of your bond, expressing your affection, and using clear communication strategies, without accusations.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Discuss Adoption with Your Family
Step 1. Understand that your feelings are perfectly normal
Wanting to know your origins is not a sign of disloyalty to your family, whether you are related by blood or that you have been adopted. For an adopted person, it is quite common to want to know their history. Among other things, according to research, this information can improve an individual's well-being.
Step 2. Discuss why this matter became so important to you
Did a particular event or experience prompt you to ask yourself these questions? Have you always felt a little different from the rest of your family?
As you grow up, it is normal to feel a certain distance from your parents or to think that sometimes you have nothing in common. In addition, many feel different or marginalized during adolescence. While these feelings may be more acute for adopted children, almost everyone experiences them at some point
Step 3. Ask yourself questions about your wishes
Do you just want to know if you have been adopted? Would you like to know the history and the steps that led to your adoption? Would you like to search for your biological parents? Do you want to establish contact with your blood relatives or just know who they are? Understanding what you want to get out of this situation will help you explain yourself better when dealing with your family.
Step 4. Understand that adoption is still often stigmatized today
While the amount of open adoptions (i.e. adoptions involving some degree of contact between biological family and adoptive parents) has increased dramatically in recent years, many still feel uncomfortable talking to their children or other adults. Your family may want to talk to you about the matter, they just don't know how to do it.
If the adoption occurred under certain circumstances, your parents are especially likely to feel ashamed. This is the case of teenage mothers who entrust their children to another couple, or of an adoption within the same family
Step 5. Talk to your parents to ask them the questions you have been thinking about
It may seem obvious, but it can be a very difficult step. As you voice your doubts, consider your parents' feelings, but openly express your emotions as well.
If your parents are still alive, it is best to contact them first, without discussing it with other family members. Many relatives probably respect your parents' wishes and may feel uncomfortable sharing details that you haven't talked about in the first place with those directly concerned
Step 6. Choose an appropriate time for the conversation
Once you have all the information you need, you may feel overwhelmed by the need to ask a myriad of questions, but wait for the right opportunity to present itself. For example, avoid bringing up such a sensitive topic after an argument or in a moment of tiredness and nervousness. In theory, everyone should feel calm and relaxed.
Step 7. Prepare "notes" to guide what you say
Adoption is a very sensitive subject and is likely to elicit emotional reactions from everyone present. Writing down some of your questions and ideas before talking to your parents will help you determine what you want to say and how to express it. In addition, it will allow you not to hurt anyone's feelings.
Step 8. Start by pointing out that you don't question the affection you have for your parents, only that you have questions
Some parents do not talk about adoption with their children because they fear that the resulting interest in the biological family damages the relationship. Starting to talk and confirming your love for your parents will help prevent them from becoming defensive or feeling attacked.
Step 9. Be honest with your family
Make it clear why you started to get suspicious about where you came from. Try not to accuse them or make drastic statements, such as: "I'm sure I was adopted because I have blue eyes."
Step 10. Start with general questions
Remember that this discussion could be very difficult for your parents, especially if they waited a long time before sharing this information with you. Insisting on having them tell you everything right away could overwhelm them.
Try asking ice-breaking questions, such as, "What can you tell me about my origins?"
Step 11. Make your questions and statements open, not critical
A question like "Would you like to tell me about my origins?" it might elicit a better reaction than "Why didn't you ever tell me I was adopted?".
Try not to use adjectives like "true" when asking questions about your origins. Questions like "Who are my real parents?" they can hurt or make your family feel diminished
Step 12. Do everything you can to not judge
It is normal to feel confused or even hurt by such a discovery, especially if your family has been hiding certain information for a long time. However, it is important to avoid making judgments or anger towards your parents, as this would only get in the way of clear and honest two-way communication.
Step 13. Emphasize once again the bond you have with your adoptive family
You don't have to constantly reassure your parents by reminding them that you appreciate them. However, giving a couple of examples of things that make you feel connected to them can help them understand that you are not going to replace them.
Many adopted people claim to feel that their personal values, sense of humor, and goals were shaped by their adoptive parents, so making such a statement might be a good place to start
Step 14. Analyze the situation
An adoption dialogue can lead to a rather complicated conversation. You may not immediately know everything you want to know. If your parents are visibly uncomfortable or upset, try saying, "I realize this question has shaken you. Would you rather talk about it at another time?"
Don't assume that silence automatically means your parents don't want to talk about adoption. Maybe they need a few minutes to figure out how to approach the subject
Step 15. Be patient
If your parents have never told you about adoption, it may be very difficult for them to overcome their anxieties and fears about this dialogue. Such a situation can hinder them even for a few years. Before we get to the point of knowing what interests you, it may take several conversations.
Step 16. Consider the path of family psychotherapy
Many psychotherapists specialize in offering support to adoptive families so that they can leave behind the problems and challenges inherent in specific adoption cases. Going to therapy doesn't mean your family has disintegrated; this professional will be able to help you talk about the experience in a useful and healthy way.
Step 17. Talk to other family members
You can ask other relatives questions about adoption and your origins using techniques similar to those described above. When they know you know the whole story, you may even rediscover a deeper emotional connection with them.
Method 2 of 3: Investigate yourself
Step 1. Study genetic traits, recessive and dominant genes
Your genetic makeup determines many physical characteristics, such as hair color and texture, eye color, freckles, height and build. Talk about the most obvious differences with your parents.
- Remember that in the case of an intra-family adoption, you may have physical traits in common with other family members. Maybe you were given up for adoption by a relative like an aunt or cousin who couldn't take care of you.
- Your genetic traits can also allow you to assess the risk of certain diseases and medical ailments. But remember that the environment you live in (personal care habits, nutrition, fitness, and so on) can have an equally significant impact. Knowing your history will help you and your doctor make reasoned health care choices.
- Although most scientists don't think race is a biological construct, people with similar genetic backgrounds often share similar risk rates for developing certain medical disorders. For example, people of African and Mediterranean descent run a higher risk of developing sickle cell anemia than other individuals. Furthermore, people of European descent are much more prone to suffer from cystic fibrosis than Asian ones. It may be helpful to know if you should have certain precautions to reduce potential risk factors.
Step 2. Be wary of common myths about genetic traits
While genes determine many of your characteristics, from hair color to blood type, there are various fairly widespread prejudices regarding the influence of genetics on physical appearance. Understanding these misconceptions will help you draw more accurate conclusions about yourself.
- Eye color is not determined by a single gene. In addition, there are approximately nine categories of eye colors. Two blue-eyed parents can conceive a brown-eyed child, and vice versa. Also, the color can change, especially in children. Many babies are born with blue eyes but, over the years, the color changes.
- Attached and detached earlobes are actually just two variants of a much larger continuum. While there is some genetic influence on lobe formation, this feature is not a reliable marker for analyzing genetic inheritance.
- The ability to roll the tongue is linked to genetic inheritance, but it can vary widely even in the same family; even some twins have different tongue rolling skills! It is not a reliable marker for analyzing genetic inheritance.
- Left-handedness tends to be genetic, but this is not a certainty. In fact, even some identical twins have a different dominant hand. This trait is usually determined by a variety of genes, not just one, and by the environment in which one grows.
Step 3. Pay attention to the conversations that take place within your family, both when you are at home and when you are reunited with other relatives
Sure, spying or snooping isn't a good idea, but you might learn more about your origins by listening to your relatives' tales of times like your childhood.
Step 4. Review family documents and photos
If you feel like you've been adopted, browse through the albums and family records to see if there are any photos of you and try to figure out when they were taken. Documents relating to your medical history are other sources full of clues.
Step 5. Search the birth register
If you think you were born in a certain place, you can contact the town hall of this city to request a copy of your birth certificate or, better still, the birth certificate. In some cases, you may even have the option to review adoption records.
- To find out more about consulting adoption records and other relevant documents, go to your town hall. If you were born abroad, do an internet search to find sources for your specific case.
- All municipalities keep registers of births, deaths and marriages that take place in their territory; you have to contact the Municipality of your city to find out more. In some cases, online databases are also available.
Step 6. Know that searching public records can be frustrating and far from exhaustive
The information you find serves more to give you a starting point. If you have been given the wrong name of a biological parent, the wrong city, and so on, you risk going through a very long and difficult process. There may be errors with the data.
Method 3 of 3: Ask for Outside Help
Step 1. Talk to friends who have been adopted
You may know someone who has been given up for adoption. Talking to this person can help you understand how she found out she was adopted and what she did next. Your friends may also be able to give you suggestions on how to raise certain questions with your family.
Step 2. Get in touch with friends, family or neighbors
Thanks to social networks, it's pretty easy to find people who belonged to your past, so there's no need to personally go back to the area where you lived as a child. However, understand that these people may feel uncomfortable talking to you about details about your situation. Tell them why you want to know, but if they seem reluctant, don't insist that they give you information.
Step 3. Join a support group for adopted people in your area
Every year, many face the discovery that they have been adopted and are confronted with all that that entails. A support group of like-minded people could give you tips and resources for your personal research, but also help you manage the process emotionally.
Step 4. Take a DNA test
DNA samples can retrieve genetic markers and compare them to those of other family members. You can go to a specialist in this field, otherwise buy a paternity test on the internet. However, to use this option, another close relative (a parent, sibling, or first cousin) must agree to perform the test so that you can have a comparison.
If you have the option to buy a DNA test online, go to a reputable supplier; do a search on the internet and be well informed. Companies that sell such kits often keep large databases of test subjects and can compare your results to theirs
Step 5. Find out how a DNA test works
This test can offer you clues as to your genetic identity, but often, without having more comparison terms, its effectiveness is limited. If you have decided to undergo this analysis without the participation of another family member, the information may be less useful.
- There are three basic types of DNA tests: mitochondrial (DNA inherited from the mother), Y chromosome (DNA inherited from the father, but works only for males) and autosomal (inherited factors are compared to those of other subjects), like cousins). Autosomal tests are often the best solution for adopted people, because they can link your genetic traits to a larger network of people.
- A DNA test can check if you are biologically related to your closest family members; usually, this is done by testing mitochondrial DNA. However, if your genetic characteristics do not match those of your family, the analysis is unlikely to be able to relate you to another family.
Step 6. Sign up for a site that allows adopted people to find their families
It should be a page that has a good reputation. If you plan to connect with your parents or biological relatives, visit sites such as Adopted Child Appeals for Origins, Adopted Children and Birth Parents, and Rising Star. They are pages considered reliable and trustworthy for individuals who want to rediscover their biological links.
Step 7. Get in touch with a private investigator who specializes in adoption cases
This solution can be very expensive, so it is generally only worth considering once you are sure you have been adopted, but cannot locate your biological parents or information about it. Look for an investigator in your hometown, as he is familiar with the municipal records and knows how to intervene.
Advice
- Talk to your family as soon as possible. People age and die, so certain stories and knowledge can go with them. Reclaim your family connections while you can.
- Avoid expressing anger or accusations towards your adoptive family. These feelings are natural, but they hinder useful communication. A psychotherapist or psychologist may be able to help you get through this process and express your emotions in a healthy way.
- Laws vary regarding the contact that can be established between adopted children and biological parents. Find out about your rights and any legal limitations that would prevent the search for your family of origin.
