Life is a constant exercise in self-improvement. In part, this means engaging in becoming more educated and advancing in your career, but there is more to it. Too often, in fact, we forget to improve the way we treat ourselves and others. In everyday life, wanting to be a better person can turn into ambition and selfishness. Read the article, your journey to improve yourself and your soul, towards yourself and others, starts now.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Getting Started
Step 1. Accept that this is a process
"Becoming a better person" is a process that you will probably want to dedicate the rest of your life to. There is no real point of arrival where you can say that you have made it and that you no longer have a chance to grow. Opening up to the process of change and growth will help you become more flexible, and flexibility is the secret that allows you to permanently be the person you want, in any situation.
Accept that your goals and values may change over time. Situations may also change. It's normal
Step 2. Determine your values
Even the best of intentions will be of no use if you don't fully understand them. The "values" indicate what is most important to you in life. It is those deep beliefs that define your life and who you are as a person. By reflecting on your values you can determine what is really important to you.
- For example, "being a good parent" or "spending time with friends" might be two of your values. There are things that manage to define the sense of the best yourself.
- The "congruence of values" indicates how closely your behavior is aligned with them. For example, if one of your values is "spending time with friends", while actually allowing work to always take precedence over your social life, it means that you are not behaving congruently with what is really important to you. you. This can cause feelings of dissatisfaction, unhappiness and guilt.
Step 3. Examine your beliefs about yourself
Our identities are also shaped by what surrounds us. For example, some psychological studies have repeatedly shown that people start forming prejudices at a very young age. Such learned behaviors and beliefs influence how we perceive ourselves and others. Understanding where your ideas about yourself come from can help you change unnecessary beliefs, and embrace what you think makes sense.
We also learn from others to view ourselves in relation to larger groups, such as those relating to race or gender. These components can be essential to our own identity
Step 4. Examine your behavior meticulously and sincerely
Evaluate how you react to stress and loss, notice how you handle anger and how you treat your loved ones. In order to effectively plan your growth as a person, you must first understand who you currently are.
After reflecting on your behavior, you should have a clearer idea of the specific changes you would like to make to yourself
Step 5. Determine which variations you would like to see
Try to be as specific as possible. Instead of saying "I wish I was a better friend", break the concept down into parts. What do you mean exactly? Spend more time in the company of others? Make yourself more available to others?
- Years ago, inventor and entrepreneur Steve Jobs said he asked himself the following question every morning: "If today were my last day of life, would I want to live it as I am about to?". If the answer was no, he undertook to make changes. This question could prove useful to each of us.
- Be reasonable when planning the change. For example, if you were an introverted person by nature, it may not be effective or congruent with your values to combine the idea of "better person" with that of "attending more parties". So try to formulate a change in terms that are truly achievable and more in line with the information you have about yourself. A valid purpose could be: "Train me to greet the new people I meet".
Step 6. Set goals
If it helps, write them down on a piece of paper, or better yet, start keeping a journal. Doing so will help you open up your introspective side, and will allow you to get to know yourself better by observing yourself from an objective point of view.
- Journal writing must be an active and contemplative process. Simply putting random thoughts in writing will hardly prove helpful. Instead, describe the situations you face, the feelings they cause you, your reactions and subsequent feelings, and reflect on possible changes and improvements that can be made.
- Here are some questions to start with. Would you like to improve a particular relationship with someone you love? Would you like to become more generous? Would you like to do more for the environment around you? Would you like to learn how to be a better partner?
Step 7. Formulate your goals in positive terms
Research has shown that the odds of reaching them increase when they are expressed in terms "positive" (something you will do) rather than negative (something you will stop doing). Negatively formulating your goals can turn you into your own judge or make you feel guilty about your progress. When you think about your goals, consider them as something you are moving towards, rather than something you are moving away from.
For example, if you have decided you want to be more grateful, express it in positive terms: "I want to express my gratitude to those who are kind to me." So avoid phrasing your goal as a judgment on your past behaviors, for example "I want to stop being so ungrateful."
Step 8. Find a model to inspire you
Exemplary behaviors are a great source of inspiration, and the stories of model people can help us to overcome hard times with determination. You could choose a well-known political, religious, artistic figure, or someone you know more closely and admire.
- Often, drawing inspiration from people we really know can prove to be of greater use. By modeling your behavior on someone you have no interaction with, you can easily develop a distorted perception of them. This could lead to unhealthy thoughts about yourself. After all, Beyonce is not "really" without flaws either.
- A role model doesn't have to be a person who changed the world. Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa are incredibly motivating figures, but they are not the only people we can learn from. Often small behaviors and everyday ways of thinking turn out to be the most useful teachers. So if, for example, one of your coworkers is always being cheerful and carefree, ask him a few questions. Find out what his motivations and actions are, and what you think about life, you might be surprised to realize how much you can learn by asking simple questions.
- That doesn't mean you can't draw inspiration from other people's stories. Finding someone whose story you can relate your life to can help, especially if you don't have many people to inspire you in your daily life.
- Prominent astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson questions the traditional idea that he views model people as someone to be imitated. It suggests that we perform an analysis that leads us to understand how they got where they are, and where we want to get too. What books have they read? What paths did they choose to follow? How did they reach the goals that you yourself want to achieve? Asking these questions and looking for the answers will help you develop your own path, rather than trying to copy exactly that of others.
Part 2 of 3: Exercising Compassion
Step 1. Learn to love yourself
In order to learn to love others, you must necessarily learn to love yourself. It is not about vanity or self-centeredness, it is about the love that comes from completely accepting who you are, that same love that allows you to bring to light your skills and your deepest values, or those unique characteristics that make you yourself. Remember to be a caring, compassionate, and most importantly, valuable person. In association with virtuous and kind actions, this attitude will help you understand and accept yourself better.
- Try describing your experiences from the perspective of a friend who loves and accepts you totally, rather than from your own point of view. Research suggests that such distancing can help you process negative emotions, rather than just ignoring or repressing them. Recognizing your feelings is a vital step towards your own understanding. We often tend to be kinder to others than to ourselves. Give yourself the same degree of approval as you would for a loved one.
- Treat yourself to small moments of self-understanding throughout the day, especially when you notice that you are experiencing something unpleasant. For example, if you are very late on a work project, you may tend to judge yourself or give you an anxiety attack. Instead, he first uses mindfulness to recognize stress: "Right now I'm feeling stressed." Then you admit that it's a situation that can happen to anyone from time to time: "I'm not the only one who feels that way." Finally, show understanding to yourself in a practical way, for example by putting a hand on your heart and repeating a positive affirmation: "I can learn to be strong. I can learn to be patient. I can learn to accept myself."
Step 2. Stop criticizing yourself
Take the time to appreciate your talents and your best characteristics, be they physical or internal. The more hostile you show yourself towards yourself, the more likely you are to be hostile towards others as well.
- Start by keeping track of when you experience negative thoughts about yourself. Notice what the situation was, what you were thinking, and what the consequences of those thoughts were.
- For example, you could write something like, "I went to the gym today. I was surrounded by slim people and I started feeling fat. I felt angry with myself and felt ashamed. I didn't even want to finish mine. work out".
- Then look for a rational response to those thoughts. It may be difficult, but by repeatedly challenging your own negative inner dialogue through the use of logic and stark truth, you will actually be able to change your way of thinking.
- For example, a rational response to the situation described could be the following: "I go to the gym to take care of my body and my health. It is an act of caring and affection towards me. Everyone's body is different, and mine may look different than anyone else's. The slim people I see in the gym may have been training much longer than me. Or they may simply have favorable genes. If judging me based on my appearance, should I really value their opinions? Wouldn't it be better to listen to those who support and encourage me in my decision to take care of myself? ".
- Self-criticism often comes in the form of "I should", as in the case of "I should have a nice car" or "I should fit a certain size of clothes". When we are confronted with standards set by others, we often end up feeling unhappy or ashamed. Decide what you want for yourself and reject what you "should" want according to others.
Step 3. Examine your habits
Sometimes we tend to be pleased with ourselves and our life. A monotonous routine can lock us into behavioral patterns based on reactions and avoidance. You may find that you have developed harmful habits and behaviors without even realizing it.
- For example, if someone has hurt you in the past, you may be inclined to place barriers between you and others to keep them at a distance. Such boundaries may help you not relive the painful experience, but equally they may prevent you from experiencing intense joy and a strong connection with other people.
- Try new habits, for example by participating in social activities or looking for new friends; you may uncover some of your skills that you didn't even know you had. Your relationships with others will also improve and you will be able to find out more information about your emotions.
- Finding ways to end your old habits will also be able to connect you with different people, who could change your outlook on life. Research states that unnecessary attitudes, such as prejudices and fears, can be defeated by experiencing different cultures and points of view. You will find that you can learn a lot from others, and likewise, most likely, they will be able to learn from you.
Step 4. Learn to control anger and jealousy
While these are emotions that are naturally part of our life, constantly feeling anger or jealousy towards others will complicate your pursuit of happiness. Like nurturing your own understanding, accepting the behaviors and desires of others is also a step you need to take when you want to become a better person.
- Anger often assails us because we believe that things "shouldn't" happen to us. We can develop feelings of anger when we realize that reality does not match our imagination. Developing the flexibility to appreciate that things don't always go as expected will help reduce feelings of anger.
- Focus on those things in life that you can control, and worry less about those you have no power over. Remember: you can command your actions, but not their results. Focusing on your actions instead of trying to control uncontrollable results can help you relax and feel less anger when things don't go your way (which will happen from time to time).
Step 5. Forgive others
Forgiveness benefits physical health. Ruminating on wrongs and feeling a grudge can cause increased blood pressure and heart rate, while the practice of forgiveness can help relieve stress. Despite its many benefits, being able to forgive others can be a daunting task.
- Think of the wrong now that you want to forgive. Note your thoughts on this. How do you feel about that person? What are the sensations you feel in your body?
- Reflect on that experience through the lens of learning. What could you have done differently? What other behaviors might the other person have had? Can you learn anything from this experience and use it in the future? Turning an unpleasant past situation into wisdom can help you let go of the pain.
- Talk to the other person. Do not make accusations, you will only put her on the defensive. Instead, share your own feelings firsthand, and ask her to do the same.
- You value peace more than justice. The human sense of "fairness" may be one reason why being able to forgive seems so difficult. The person who hurt you may never pay the price, but ultimately, holding on to your anger and pain will only hurt yourself. Do not make forgiveness conditional on a particular action or result.
- Remember that forgiveness does not mean absolving. The wrong has happened, and by forgiving you do not intend to excuse it. What you have done is release the weight of holding and carrying your anger.
Step 6. Actively practice gratitude
Gratitude is more than a feeling, it is an active practice. Nurturing an "attitude of gratitude" can make you a more positive, healthy, and happy person. Gratitude has been shown to help people overcome their trauma, strengthen their interpersonal relationships, and show compassion towards others.
- Keep a gratitude journal. Record experiences you feel grateful for. They may also be small, like enjoying a sunny morning or a delicious cup of coffee, or sometimes impossible to measure, like partner love or friendship. Pay attention and write down everything that makes you feel grateful, thus making sure you can't forget them.
- Enjoy the surprises. Something unexpected or surprising can affect you more than something ordinary. Again, this could be small things, like noticing that your partner did the dishes for you or getting a message from a friend you haven't heard from in months.
- Share your gratitude with others. You will be more inclined to remember positive things by sharing them with the world around you. Sharing has the added benefit of being able to brighten another person's day, and possibly inspire them to show gratitude in turn.
Step 7. Feed empathy
Human beings, like many other living beings, are prone to develop social relationships with those around them. From an early age, we learn how to "read" others and how to imitate their behaviors. We do this to achieve a sense of belonging, to get what we need and to feel connected with others. However, empathy goes beyond knowing how to interpret the behavior of others and perceiving their emotions: it is in fact being able to imagine what it feels like to experience that same life and knowing how to think and feel what they themselves think and feel. Nurturing empathy will help you be more sensitive to other people's feelings, bond, and feel less isolated. Practicing empathy will also allow you to treat others as you would like to be treated.
- Research has shown that practicing metta meditation or loving-kindness or practicing compassion meditation can stimulate that area of the brain responsible for emotional activity. It can also help make us feel less stressed and more stable. Practicing mindfulness meditation leads to similar effects, but is slightly less helpful in developing empathy.
- Some studies confirm that actively imagining what other people are experiencing can raise the level of empathy. Even reading a novel can encourage you to take another person's perspective.
- Stop judging whenever possible. It is well known that we tend to be less empathetic towards those we hold responsible for their own suffering, for example, than "those who have what they deserve". Admit that you are unaware of someone else's circumstances or past.
- Look for different people. Research suggests that exposing oneself to cultures or beliefs different from one's own can foster empathy. The more contacts you have with people who think and behave differently from you, the less likely you are to be inclined to judge even in the dark or to show prejudice.
Step 8. Focus on people, not things
We are more likely to feel real gratitude towards intangible things, such as the experience of feeling loved or receiving a gesture of kindness. In fact, craving more material things often indicates trying to satisfy deeper needs.
Research has shown that materialistic people are often "less" happy than their peers. They are generally less satisfied with their lives, and more prone to experiencing negative emotions such as sadness and fear
Step 9. Give to others
Not everyone can afford to donate thousands of dollars to their favorite charity, but that doesn't mean you can't contribute small gestures to those who need it most. Helping others is doubly beneficial, because you will also benefit from it yourself. It has in fact been shown that altruistic people are happier and that, in helping others, they can experience endorphin rushes known as "helper's high".
- Volunteer instead of spending weekends in front of the TV. Ask the municipality where you live. By helping others you will feel more connected with them, being able to perceive yourself as part of a community rather than as an isolated individual.
- Practice random acts of kindness on a daily basis. These may be small gestures, such as helping an elderly person carry shopping bags or giving someone priority while driving. The more you practice, the more you will be able to realize how rewarding it can be to help others, thereby putting aside your selfishness.
- Research has shown that the "pay in advance" principle exists. Selfless acts spread from person to person. Your little displays of kindness and generosity could inspire someone else to do the same, which could affect a third person, then a fourth, and so on.
Step 10. Note the impact of your behavior on others
Sometimes we focus so much on our actions that we don't realize how they are affecting others. In part, it is a psychological defense mechanism that helps us manage interactions with others. In case you get a similar response from every person, you may develop some unnecessary habits, allowing your defense mechanism to work its way.
- For example, evaluate how others respond to your behaviors. Do you feel like they are easily hurt by what you say? It is possible that, rather than being everyone else overly sensitive, which is simply unlikely, you have developed a defense mechanism that tends to discredit other people in order to make you feel better about yourself. Experiment with different communication methods that don't elicit the same negative response.
- Observe the way you interact with other people. Note any patterns and determine which of them are useful and which are unnecessary. The more you learn to be flexible and adaptable with your behavior, the better you will be able to harmonize with others.
Part 3 of 3: Choosing the Correct Path
Step 1. Explore your talents
Anyone who has a skill or interest in which he excels and genuinely amuses him. If you believe you don't have any talent, you most likely haven't discovered it yet. Often it is necessary to be persistent and try different paths before identifying your own.
- People of similar types can be attracted to the same activities. For example, adrenaline enthusiasts may not be drawn to the slow and peaceful pace of a sewing club, while others will appreciate the reassuring tranquility. By determining the type of people you want to surround yourself with, you may be able to better understand what you like.
- Be patient. Changes don't happen overnight. They take time and practice. Putting an end to old routines may not be easy, as is meeting new people or experimenting with new activities, especially if you have a busy life (and who doesn't?). The secret is to persevere.
- Attend a lesson that you find interesting or focus on a new instrument or a new sport. Not only will you learn something new, but you will meet other people who are equally interested in learning. Trying to learn something new can also be a safe and productive way to get out of your comfort zone.
Step 2. Do what you love
No matter how much money you make, you will never be happy if you spend all your time doing something you hate. Since not everyone is lucky enough to be able to create a career based on their passion, it is important to dedicate some of your time (weekends or evenings) to doing what you love.
- Dedicating yourself to what you consider fulfilling will make you feel happier and more satisfied. Creative activities, such as music and art, can help you express your thoughts and feelings in a healthy and productive way.
- That the people who have been most successful in life are the ones who pursued a single goal is only a cliché. They do not allow anything to come between them and their goal, not even the time to devote to themselves. Unfortunately, however, it is a highly harmful way of life. Try not to focus so much on one aspect of life that you are forced to neglect others.
- If you're unfailingly unhappy at work, consider why. Perhaps by making some changes you may be able to feel better. If the reason for your unhappiness is a job that you don't consider significant or in line with your values, consider looking for a different one.
Step 3. Experiment in life
Living means being able to find the right balance between duty and pleasure. By focusing exclusively on one or the other aspect, you will end up feeling stuck in a monotonous and stagnant routine. Human beings adapt very quickly to positive events. For this reason they may become less sensitive to positive experiences, especially when they are the only ones.
- Research has confirmed that when we remain firmly within our comfort zone, we are not as productive as we decide to get out of it. It is important to seek out new experiences and interactions, even when we are a little scared of them. By doing so, we will be able to achieve greater goals.
- Our desire to avoid pain and discomfort can lead us to refuse flexibility. However, some studies have shown that embracing vulnerability, including the possibility that something is wrong, is essential in order to experience "everything" that life has to offer.
- Mindful meditation can be a good start. One of its goals is to make you become more aware of any repetitive thought patterns that hinder your self-awareness and acceptance of yourself. Take a mindful meditation class or do some research and find the technique that works best for you.
Advice
- Be respectful of others.
- Be yourself. People will appreciate who you really are.
- Every morning, before you leave the house, look in the mirror and give yourself a compliment of any kind, even simply by saying: "You are wearing really nice jeans!". Doing so will help build your confidence.
- If you have wronged someone, admit it immediately.
- Becoming aware and identifying the parts of your life you want to improve could take years, be patient and take your time.
- Try giving a second chance, both to yourself and to others.
- Treat others as you would like to be treated.
- Volunteering can be an experience capable of humbling you and broadening your horizons. Always grant your most important gifts: time and attention.
