Have you finally given up on the idea of becoming a sex god, movie star, billionaire or genius in your lifetime? Then you are ready to become a gruff!
It is mistakenly believed that we curmudgeons are all old grumblers along the lines of Walter Matthau or Andy Rooney. The reality is that we are men and women of all ages. A gruff is a true free thinker, and has an excellent sense of humor!
Steps
Step 1. A grumpy person is not an easygoing person
You don't have to worry about being popular or wanted. If that's what matters to you, go see a psychologist!
Step 2. A curmudgeon is not a curmudgeon:
it is a false myth. We tell the truth, and some don't like it. Tell Paolo what you think of his writing style. Tell Aunt Ida she has bad breath. Don't do it meanly, but don't try to make it look cute either!
Step 3. A curmudgeon does not follow 'fads'
You must learn to think independently! If a famous media personality praises something, you don't care. If most of the people around you hang on the lips of a TV show, gadget, or movie, you respond with a yawn. You may have to force yourself to like nothing that is popular before you learn to think independently.
Step 4. A curmudgeon doesn't go shopping
Find an alternative way to pass the time: go for walks, garden, do crafts (you don't have to produce anything useful - it's the process that matters).
Step 5. Gruff people don't like new things
Go rummaging in the attic, garage, or basement until you find that old item you used a long time ago, rather than buying something new. Or borrow it from someone!
Step 6. For a curmudgeon, the important thing in clothing is comfort
Women, throw away your tight clothes, tight underwear, flip flops, high heels and tights. Men, get rid of white shirts with buttons, ties and belts (try wearing suspenders instead). Wear comfortable clothes that let you breathe!
Step 7. A surly cares about the latest trends
Throw out all the fashion magazines. We read fashion magazines for a laugh!
Step 8. A curmudgeon doesn't go to the gym if he wants to play sports
If your wife or husband is forcing you to go to the gym, go when nobody's around, and don't wear trendy onesies! Spends most of the time in the steam room or sauna.
Step 9. If he wants to play sports, a curmudgeon does it in the open air
Try golfing, playing with your dog, or messing around in the garden.
Step 10. Gruff people tend to have an animal
If you don't already have one, get yourself a dog, cat, or parrot (which you can teach to swear). Pets allow you to have someone to talk to when loved ones are too offended by your bluntness.
Step 11. Gruff people are not angry people
Never yell at anyone, and don't use offensive language. The mother of idiots is always pregnant. Keep your tongue in check and don't be a fool about the situation.
Step 12. A grumpy person doesn't fight
Let people believe all the nonsense they want, and go your own way.
Step 13. A grumpy likes to tell good stories
Prepare some great stories to tell about interesting experiences you have had personally or that someone you know has had. Don't overdo it, so as not to risk being boring or repetitive. In the end, throw in an ironic dig: it's always useful.
Step 14. A grumpy person has an excellent sense of humor
Find something to laugh about in at least 5 things you see every day. Share the fun by smiling or laughing with someone else if you catch their eyes.
Advice
- While comfort is the most important thing in clothing for a curmudgeon, this is not a good excuse to wear dirty, sloppy, or simply can't-look-at clothes if you don't want to arouse ridicule or attract negative attention.
- A gruff doesn't stink! Shower regularly, and don't use perfumes. Nothing spoils the effect of a good speech like an unpleasant smell.
- If you really have to smoke, opt for a cigar or a pipe.
- Don't wear those panties that show your butt every time you bend over!
Warnings
- If you stop agreeing with everyone all the time, you will likely lose friends, but they are probably not friends you will miss.
- A curmudgeon drinks, but never gets drunk. Drunk figures are the worst.
- If you have to work for a living, you will probably have to curb your tendency to be gruff, at least with your boss.
- Gruff people are not all alike. There are the rude ones, the stupid ones, the wise ones and the kind ones: hang out with the wise ones and the kind ones, unless you want to do some sociological research.
- There are those who resort to puns: if you want to do it too, go ahead, but at your own risk!
- A curmudgeon can be a bit pathetic as a suitor: it can be complicated to woo someone when you run away from the back door … it's best to ask a friend for advice before wooing someone, especially on clothing, behavior and topics of conversation. It's a ruthless world!
