Calming an angry person takes a lot of patience. When it seems to you that someone is "quite heated", asking them to "calm down" can only make things worse. Being a good listener and offering some valid distractions can help reduce tension. However, when someone's anger is explosive or unpredictable, it is better to walk away than to try to use reason.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Stay Calm
Step 1. Avoid arguing
If you get angry too, when another person is so altered that they are at the point of exploding, you only make things worse. Focus on staying calm, otherwise the situation could quickly turn into an argument. This does not mean that you must remain completely impassive, but try not to get caught up in emotion and not get too involved in order not to get too warm too.
One way to stay neutral is to not listen to your ego and not to take things personally. It is normal to want to respond to an angry person to defend themselves or their reputation, but it is also important to remember that when someone is very angry they cannot think clearly until they have calmed down
Step 2. Try not to get defensive
When someone is so angry that they can't speak in a normal tone of voice, it's easy to absorb their negativity and get defensive. If you are talking to a furious person, know that their anger is hardly aimed at you. Separate her emotions from yours so you can be there for her without feeling the object of her wrath.
Step 3. Stay focused on the present moment
Angry people often refer to past situations or conversations, especially if they are trying to draw you into their anger. Try to counter this trend by focusing on the current situation and trying to find a solution to the problem of the moment. Don't get carried away by his anger over past events.
If the conversation seems to be moving towards past situations, try saying something like, "We can talk about it later. I think right now we should focus on the issue that is pissing you off right now and try to find a solution to this problem. Let's face something. at a time"
Step 4. Keep calm and quiet
If someone is yelling or venting, you can consider letting them do it, but the best thing you can do is to stay calm or shut up. If you want to say something, make sure your voice has a quiet tone. If you remain silent, keep a neutral facial expression and try to show yourself open and available with your body. You can have more control of the situation if you don't bite the "bait" of the person who screams and you don't let yourself be carried away by their behavior.
Keep in mind that there is some difference between letting someone vent and being the victim of verbal abuse. If your interlocutor is berating you, offending you or directing his anger towards you, even if you have nothing to do with the situation that caused it, you should respond by saying things like: "I understand that you are angry and I want to help you., but please don't take your anger out on me."
Part 2 of 4: Dull Someone's Anger
Step 1. Apologize if you are wrong
If your action or behavior has provoked anger in your interlocutor, perhaps what he needs is a sincere excuse. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness; it simply shows that you care about the other person's feelings. Reflect on the situation to see if you have done wrong and, if so, say you are sorry. Sometimes this is all a person needs to hear to feel better about what happened.
- However, if you do not believe that you are in the wrong, you should not apologize just to calm the other person down.
- To apologize effectively you can say, "I am very sorry that I used the money you set aside for retirement to book a vacation in the Maldives. I don't really know what I was thinking and I can understand very well why you are angry. Let's work together to find one. solution".
Step 2. Don't say "calm down"
When a person is really furious, emotions take over and he cannot "access" the rational part of the brain. If you try to use reason or invite your interlocutor to "keep calm" or "be reasonable", you risk that your words simply fall on deaf ears or, even worse, fuel anger even more.
Step 3. Practice good listening techniques
When people are particularly agitated, they want to know that there is someone else who can understand them. Learn to listen sincerely to the interlocutor. Make eye contact, send feedback when appropriate, and ask questions to find out more. The fact of conversing and understanding the feelings of the other could help him calm down.
Obviously, sometimes angry people don't want to be asked questions and may be so upset that they think no one can truly understand them. In this case, the only useful thing is to try to do your best; if the person is not in the mood for sincere contact, do not force them
Step 4. Validate the other person's feelings
We all get angry sometimes and it can happen that anger actually masks another emotion, such as hurt feelings, embarrassment or sadness. Whatever the reason that causes the person to get upset, listen to them and respond by not denying their feelings (without necessarily having to agree with them). You should also try to hide the judgments towards him, as your opinions may leak from your words and body language and he may interpret them as a lack of support for him.
- An example of how to sustain someone's emotions is to make statements like, "Of course it must be difficult for you" or "I understand how frustrated you can be."
- Phrases that are not useful at all and that you should avoid are: "Forget it" or "I have experienced the same thing and I have overcome it".
Step 5. Show empathy
Empathy is about understanding another person's point of view, feeling pain about another person's situation, and being able to experience other people's emotions in the same way. By showing empathy towards someone who is angry, you can make him understand that you have really listened to him and you understand very well what he is saying.
- To empathize, try to reframe his reasons for what he is feeling. You might say, "So you're saying you're angry because you think you have to take on all the household responsibilities."
- You may be tempted to say: "I understand how you feel", but know that this can sometimes lead the interlocutor to get even more angry, as they may think that in reality no one really understands what they feel.
Step 6. Ease the tension with humor
You need to be able to understand the situation and know the angry person well enough to determine if this approach is effective. Humor can effectively dampen anger because it changes the chemical processes in the body. Practicing a joke or stopping and pointing out something funny or ironic about the situation, which makes both of you laugh, can ease the tension and could potentially make the subject "let off steam".
Step 7. Give the angry person some space
Some people are talkative, while others prefer to process their emotions on their own. If you have the impression that by letting off steam the person gets even more angry, give him some space and time, and walk away. Most people need at least 20 minutes before they are able to calm down, but for some it takes longer.
If you think your interlocutor needs to be alone for a while, try saying: "I understand that you are angry, but I don't know what to do to make you feel better, so I think you should have a few minutes for yourself. I'll still be available if or when you want to tell me about it"
Part 3 of 4: Look for a Solution
Step 1. Consider if you can help the person make things better
If the source of his anger is due to a solvable problem, maybe you can help him. If he is calm enough to listen, you can propose solutions and try to set up a plan that can improve the situation.
The angry subject does not always feel sufficiently motivated in this way. It's up to you to assess the situation and figure out if you need to wait for him to calm down enough to be able to hear positive reasoning
Step 2. Focus on the future
It is important to stay focused on the present while working through feelings of anger, but you should invite the person to think about the future once the solution is found. This can help him think more rationally and focus on unraveling the matter as best he can, instead of continuing to experience a feeling of anger, whether it is from the past or the present.
Step 3. Help the enraged person accept that there may not even be a solution
Not all problems or situations that lead to this feeling are solvable. If this is the case, it is important to remind her that she has to face and overcome her emotions and move on.
Part 4 of 4: Knowing When to Leave
Step 1. Step away from the situation if you can't keep calm
If the person is provoking you or making you angry, you should leave if possible. If you get upset too, the situation will likely tend to get worse, so the best thing in this case is to leave the context to avoid an escalation of tension or a real fight.
Step 2. Recognize the abuse
Anger and abuse are not the same. Anger is a normal human emotion that needs to be addressed. Abuse is an unhealthy and potentially dangerous way to interact with another person. Those listed below are the typical behaviors that indicate abuse, not anger:
- Physical intimidation (even if it does not lead to actual violence).
- Causing a sense of guilt.
- Insult or belittle.
- Sexual control or coercion.
Step 3. Get safe if the situation turns violent
If you are dealing with a person who cannot control their anger and fear for your safety, leave immediately and go to a safe place. Domestic violence is a vicious circle and, if it happened once, it is likely to happen again. It is very important for you and your family that you are physically and emotionally safe. In Italy, since 2006, the Department for Equal Opportunities has set up the toll-free number 1522 to help women who are victims of abuse and family violence. Here are the things that could make you realize that the situation is dangerous:
- You are afraid of making the person angry.
- The person humiliates you, criticizes you or belittles you.
- He has a violent and unpredictable temperament.
- He blames you for his abusive behavior.
- There is a risk that it may harm you.
