Sometimes, throwing in the towel seems like the easiest thing to do. However, you have devoted time and energy to marriage (and perhaps your children), you have taken a solemn oath and you know that love is still alive, even if it lurks behind the wall of misunderstanding. This article will show you how to save your marriage and avoid divorce even if you are the only one in the couple who wants to try. If you'd like to relive the good times of marriage by putting a stone on the stormiest events in your history, read on to find out more.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Understanding What Went Wrong
Step 1. Make an effort to understand what went wrong
You can't go on unless you know what is holding you back. Most relationships - and most people - are born with some flaws that risk undermining even the most solid relationships. Your job is to analyze the situation thoroughly, trying to figure out what went wrong. Here are some examples:
- Growing incompatibility. Work, family, stress, financial issues, and other problems in life can crack a relationship and show people who they really are. Are wife and husband in real life that different than their fairytale equivalent?
- Infidelity. Does the guilt for a betrayal weigh too much on the conscience? Did the situation deteriorate when the confession took place?
- Lack of communication. Your spouse doesn't listen to you, but you don't even notice his words. Maybe you don't communicate anymore.
- The death of a loved one. Your partner has changed completely after the death of a person he cared about and you are unable to return to your previous life.
- Money. If in a couple there is a spendthrift and a saver, it is difficult to find a balance. Or perhaps the increasingly pressing economic difficulties have made family life unsustainable.
- Sex. Sex is the physical representation of the love you feel for the other person. When physical interaction is lacking, the situation becomes depressing both emotionally and physically.
Step 2. Find out if the situation can be fixed
It's perfectly normal to try to save the sinking boat, but what if there's nothing left to save? Only you can make this decision, but remember that certain problems and people's flaws can make the relationship unrecoverable.
People rarely change. Often an attempt is made, but it is difficult to succeed. After the first settling period, people generally return to their former habits. It's not entirely impossible to change, but it happens infrequently
Step 3. Establish a communication channel
Ask your partner what you could improve in your relationship. When you touch on such a delicate subject, follow these precautions:
- Don't use an accusatory tone. You would end up cutting the bridges. Instead of saying "I thought you would take care of it and I'm angry you didn't" you could use a phrase similar to the following: "I know, no one is perfect. I thought you would take care of it and I was surprised that you are not there. 'has done."
- Count to three before answering. Many times our first impulse is to respond without really listening. Count to three before replying, reflecting on your spouse's words. By staying calm and having a certain demeanor, you will likely get the same reaction from your partner.
Step 4. Talk to a marriage counselor
This step is optional. A marriage counselor represents a huge expense, however it allows you to better understand the mechanisms of marriage. He is able to determine what is wrong with your relationship by maintaining emotional detachment. Since he is not involved in the relationship, he will have no reason to lie, sweeten the pill, omit uncomfortable details. A marriage counselor could really save your marriage.
Step 5. Test the ground to see if a change can be initiated
Is your spouse adamant and absolutely does not want to bend over? In that case it is difficult to make a real change in the relationship. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. To test the waters you can:
- Ask the spouse if he is willing to consult a marriage counselor.
- Ask the spouse if he always loves you the same way, if not more, than on the wedding day.
- Ask your spouse if he or she is willing to make sacrifices with you to make the relationship work.
Method 2 of 3: Put Things Back
Step 1. Create a relaxed atmosphere for conversation
Often, a marriage begins to have problems when spouses forget to communicate, are not comfortable or feel embarrassed to touch certain topics; maybe they are convinced that they are communicating, but in reality they have raised a wall between them. To make the dialogue more fluid, take the following precautions:
- Devote a moment of the day to dialogue. Sit down and chat without outside distractions. No sex, kids, television, or work. Just talk. If you want to discuss your problems, do it without problems. If you just want to tell how your day went, don't hold back. Dedicating time to dialogue is important to break the ice and foster deeper communication.
- Let your partner let off steam. Sometimes he just needs to take off a burden: he doesn't expect me to analyze the situation, he doesn't want advice, he just looks for someone to listen to him and a shoulder to lean on.
Step 2. Don't make threats to get what you want
It is an attitude that condemns marriage to an early end. It does not mean that you are a bad person, but it is a bad habit that you need to give up. The problem with threats is that they force people to do the right thing for the wrong reasons - your spouse shouldn't commit to saving the marriage because of your threats, but because he loves you deeply.
Step 3. Learn to discuss constructively and humbly
In all marriages it happens to quarrel. Couples that last are those who build their love on mutual respect, who overcome personal difficulties, who know how to put themselves in each other's shoes and who learn from mistakes. If you want to save your marriage, you both need to learn how to fight the right way.
- Don't bring up the past. It's tempting to blame something 14 years ago to prove your partner is wrong. But the point is not to be right: you have to get your spouse to listen to you so that his behavior changes. If you do nothing but blame him for the past, he will feel accused rather than involved in the discussion. It is the easiest way to deviate from the main topic.
- Don't make personal attacks. It is not correct to make specific references to emotional or psychological situations to undermine the theories of others. Sometimes, it can be useful to directly criticize a partner's defect to resolve the situation, but on some occasions it is a low blow that will create havoc and drive you away.
Step 4. Keep your word (and expect your partner to do the same)
A relationship is built on trust. When actions match words, it is possible to earn a person's trust, so if you promise to do one thing, keep your word. Otherwise, your spouse will no longer believe you. Such an attitude, repeated over time, ruins the trust that exists between two people.
Step 5. Celebrate successes together and face failures side by side
Life is full of ups and downs, just as every person has strengths and weaknesses. In a troubled marriage, too often one secretly rejoices over the failures of the spouse, while the triumphs are ignored or taken for granted. Instead, wouldn't it be more fulfilling if your other half supported you in your time of need and shared with you the joy of a happy moment?
If the idea of celebrating her successes and grieving her failures seems strange to you, take a step back and reflect on the future of your marriage. Happier couples admit that they rejoice in their partner's triumphs and grieve over their suffering
Step 6. Find time to be alone for a while
Falling back in love is beautiful, but sometimes you risk losing some of that much-needed independence. Often, we only need a couple of hours to devote to our passions. It can be gardening, reading, or maybe you want to get a car back in place. It does not matter what it is, but if the marriage is overwhelming, it is inevitable to unload the frustration on the spouse, ruining the happiness of both. During reconciliation, find some time to dedicate to the things you both love, to recharge and, above all, to reflect.
Step 7. You must admit to your spouse that the responsibility does not lie with just one person
It would be easy to put the blame on your spouse and wash your hands of it. However, it is important to admit that you both played an important role in bringing the marriage to stagnation and you share the responsibility. It's an important admission, which can mean a lot to the other person and is helpful in rebuilding a lost bond.
For example, it is unfair to accuse your spouse of never prioritizing family dinners if you have never done anything to fix things. You can say that: "I would have liked it if you had given more importance to the dinners, but my fault is that I held a grudge without looking for a solution with you to find some free time between the many commitments."
Method 3 of 3: Concrete Things You Can Put Into Action Immediately
Step 1. Demonstrate your commitment with tangible acts
With marriage, you are committed to putting your spouse's needs ahead of our own. If you feel the need to reaffirm your commitment in this sense, do it concretely, showing your dedication through a tangible gesture. Give your other half:
- A ring
- A picture
- A flower or a plant (something that grows)
- A dinner
- A work of art (made by you)
Step 2. Change environment
Often, couples in crisis take a trip. It doesn't matter if the goal is far or near, the important thing is to get out of the monotony of everyday life in which we tend to take our partner for granted. When the focus is no longer on work, family and children commitments, couples rediscover a forgotten love.
Attention: a vacation is not the solution to all problems. Away from home, you have fun and don't think about work, but returning to everyday life, with the routine of work and family commitments, the story is likely to come to an end in no time at all.
Step 3. Go out alone on Saturday nights
In successful marriages, spouses enjoy their partner's company. Some couples make a regular appointment every week or maybe every two weeks. If you don't have time, try to go out alone at least once a month. In this way, you should be able to regain the passion, putting aside the daily responsibilities that oppress you.
