Do you often feel that you deserve more and that there is no justice in life? Do you have the impression that others treat you badly and do not recognize your merits? You may suffer from victimhood, also known as Calimero syndrome, which is the mental attitude where it seems that everything is raining on you and that nothing can change for the better. It is possible that life has not favored you, but it does not mean that you are a victim. By changing the way you think and act you can cut victimhood and be able to face reality with more happiness and security.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Changing the way you think
Step 1. Acknowledge your anger and deal with it
By denying the anger that is in us and projecting it onto others, we assume the role of the victim without realizing it. By behaving in this way, without reasonable reasons, we tend to react to an alleged aggression of others of which there is no sign. Instead of denying your emotions, express them. Do it without labeling them as good or bad, right or wrong.
- Avoid trying to justify your anger. You risk sinking into victimhood more and more if you do. It's okay if you're feeling angry, but it's healthier if you show your state than to seek justifications or be driven by anger.
- Those who live in their anger and try to justify it often distort reality by trying to adapt it to their thoughts, for example, misunderstand the expressions of others in order to support beliefs that conflict with the facts.
Step 2. Try to understand that the world owes you nothing
The claim to have rights makes us feel cheated if they are not recognized. This path brings with it anger and helplessness (i.e. feeling like a victim).
- Psychologists recommend eliminating words such as "justice", "duty", "right" and "wrong" from our vocabulary. These expressions involve expectations and you feel frustrated and victimized when these don't materialize. Give up these expectations and the idea of having a right to them. Nobody owes you anything.
- To get an idea of this mechanism, imagine that your best friend's parents pay college tuition, while you don't have this opportunity and need to take out a loan. As you struggle to return it, he can spend on things like travel, clothes, a new car, and even live in a nicer apartment than yours. Rather than feeling deceived, angry and resentful towards him, towards your parents and perhaps even towards the rest of the world, you can choose to acknowledge your anger and move on. It's nice that he has no debt and it's certainly not a great thing that you have. But it is neither right nor wrong. And there is no question of fairness or unfairness. Those are things that happen. You will be happier and more successful in life if you accept the situation and your mood and move on.
Step 3. Identify and counter negative, self-destructive thoughts
Thoughts like these are referred to by some professionals as the victim's "inner inquisition". It is a form of internal hypercriticism with self-destructive thoughts aimed at lowering self-esteem. These thoughts come from a place of the ego where anger and sadness abound; their purpose is to keep you in a constant state of unhappiness. We all have a hypercritical voice in the conscience with which we struggle by talking positively about us with us, but if you suffer from victimhood, the goal is to support it rather than oppose it.
- Most victimizers are unaware of negative thoughts and therefore cannot identify and counter them. When we do, we can deal with them. One way to do this is to find out what makes you go from good to bad mood. Take note of what you say to yourself when it happens.
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Inner hypercriticism could include feelings of injustice with thoughts such as "this is not right". It could also lead you to generalize other people's behaviors, with "no one ever cares about me" reasoning. It could also lead to constant confrontation, asking yourself, for example, "why do others always get better grades than yours?" When you realize that you are doing this, take your time to think about why.
For example, if internal hypercriticism tells you "no one ever listens to my opinion", answer "why did you say that?" Do not take the statement as a fact because it is likely not true. Even if it were, you need to ask this key question to your inner self so that you can actively identify and work on negative emotions. As you reflect, you may find that the feeling that no one is listening to you is simply the consequence of your belief that you have nothing important to say and that you behave accordingly (for example, speaking in a low voice or never doing it in public)
Step 4. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions
You are not a helpless spectator in your life. If you can change a situation that makes you unhappy or worse, do it; if it is not possible, adapt, change your approach, behave differently. Yours may be a really unfair or horrible situation, but you don't change it if you wallow in it. Contrasts the passive attitude and the brooding typical of those who feel victimized with constructive actions.
Related to this is the need to be resourceful. Some situations are inevitable, but resourcefulness allows you to anticipate a situation and have some control over it, instead of just reacting after it occurs. You may also find that you can prevent undesirable things from happening - for example, you can avoid bad grades by studying and getting the help you need in time
Step 5. Use a journal every day
Keeping a daily journal is not only a help to keep track of moods and feelings, it is also a tool to get over it. It is good to emphasize once again that you must not try to justify them. Use the diary to track them and adapt - to learn to live with them without being overwhelmed by them. If you find yourself in a situation that you would like to get out of, you may want to use annotations to evaluate the chances of succeeding.
Step 6. Find something that brings you joy and do it regularly
The more time you spend doing things you enjoy, the less you will mull over negative things that make you prone to victimization. Make a commitment to live your life actively, rather than passively, watching it go by and feeling helpless.
- Take dance lessons, play team sports, buy a musical instrument or learn a language.
- Spend more time with people who highlight what you consider to be your best. If you don't know anyone like that, join a club or community (for example, an online community of movie buffs) and make new friends.
Step 7. Adopt a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and good nutrition
To take control of your feelings and emotions, you need to take care of your body. Regular exercise will help you get rid of stress and build confidence. A healthy diet will help you regulate your moods - not forgetting that it's much easier to manage emotions if you don't have to ride the ups and downs of mood due to poor nutrition.
Step 8. Be kind to yourself
It takes time to adopt the habits necessary to control your life and learn how to stop feeling like a victim. Don't make things worse by getting angry when you happen to fall back into victimhood. Take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and start over.
Part 2 of 2: Changing the Way You Communicate
Step 1. Be assertive
Communicate with others in a way that lets them know your needs and respects theirs.
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To be assertive, he uses statements "in the first person" and favors facts over judgments; take full control of thoughts and emotions and make direct and unambiguous requests, rather than formulated as questions that can be answered "no".
Consider this example: "I have noticed that you often leave dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. Seeing them makes me anxious when I get home, and I feel the need to tidy up the kitchen before I start making dinner. a time to wash the dishes that suits both of us."
- If assertive communication is new to you, there will be people who, having known you for a long time, will be confused by your changes. It may be helpful to explain to them that you are trying to change the way you communicate.
Step 2. Establish clear boundaries
This is a fundamental element of being assertive. The purpose is to protect yourself and also to give others a clear idea of who you are and what you are not willing to put up with.
An example of setting boundaries is to tell an alcoholic relative that you enjoy his company but can't stand the way he behaves when he is drunk; therefore, if he calls or shows up when he is in this state, you will either hang up or not let him into your home
Step 3. Show confidence in yourself
To do this based mainly on body language. When communicating with someone, you can do some basic things to show confidence, such as posture, maintain eye contact, and be calm and positive.
- When standing, good posture means keeping your shoulders straight, back and relaxed, pulling your belly in, keeping your feet apart and hips aligned, balancing your weight on both feet, and letting your hands naturally fall to your sides. Also, the knees will be slightly bent (not locked) and the head balanced on the neck, i.e. not bent forward, backward or to the side.
- Assertive body language involves standing in front of the person you are talking to, keeping your torso erect, standing and sitting, avoiding self-righteous gestures such as looking away or waving your hand as if to belittle their response, having a serious but pleasant attitude, and to maintain a calm and not caustic tone.
- Acting as a mirror to the interlocutor can help them feel more comfortable and can create a better atmosphere to be able to communicate.
Step 4. Learn the difference between empathy and compassion and avoid the latter
Being in empathy with someone requires you to understand and share their feelings, pitying involves feeling pity and sadness for them. Expressing or eliciting compassionate responses strengthens victimhood.
- When you offer or seek compassion, you are actually offering or seeking mercy. You may find that exposing your problems is like inviting people to feel sorry for you and point out your weakness in the situation. You may find that they are willing to find solutions and / or even try to save you. The desire to save someone usually expresses goodness of mind, but it also tells those you try to save that you don't believe they can do it alone. A compassionate response to a whine might be "I'm so sorry for you. Have you tried XYZ?"
- When you offer or seek empathy, you are actually offering or seeking support. With empathy one offers merciless understanding. You emphasize your emotions and share them, but feel that the other can do it alone. An example of an empathic response to a whine would be "I guess how hard this is for you. What do you need now?"
- When we prove helpless and seek compassion, we put ourselves in the position of victim and ask others to help us. This is unfair to us and the would-be rescuers. The empathic approach emphasizes mutual respect and the belief that we care about each other while being aware of being able to get by on our own.
Step 5. Breathe
If you feel angry, stressed, anxious, or otherwise upset, take a moment to calm down with breathing. Inhale deeply through the nose trying to inflate the stomach rather than the chest.
Warnings
- If you are abused in your family, seriously consider seeking help. Read this article to learn more.
- If you find yourself in any situation that can put your life at risk, contact the relevant institutions for the help you may need.
