The psychological aspect of abuse is insidious. If your husband is abusive, you don't need to have his permission to get a divorce. What you need to do is learn to separate his power and control over you from the reality of the facts, be very attentive to your physical and mental safety, and be ready to give up some security.
Steps
Step 1. Tell your husband that you have the right to make your own choices
Step 2. Think about where you want to go and what you want to do
Make a plan. It is not wrong to have dreams and believe that you deserve a peaceful life. Plan your project in manageable phases: in the short term (get away safely) and in the long term (find a decent job, a good accommodation, etc…).
Step 3. Find a women's shelter or protection center, where you can find people who will advise you with discretion
Some centers can help you directly, even if you have children, but most can at least indicate other counseling centers to turn to and who can help you. They can also refer you to legal associations to find a lawyer, and guide you in job training programs if you need them. They can also help you if you have children, or find you a temporary residence to stay away and safe.
Step 4. Prepare without telling your husband or anyone who can tell him
Be smart enough not to even give him clues. Do not circle the phone number of the shelter and do not leave it next to the phone! If you are looking for a seat online, be sure to delete it from your history file before logging out.
Step 5. Seek psychological counseling
The reception centers / shelters for women also have contacts for this aspect. When you've been in an abusive relationship, your self-esteem is so ruined that your thinking is flawed. You need to listen to someone who knows these dynamics and you need to be ready to follow their advice. Of course, even these people make mistakes sometimes, but you have to learn to put your well-being first and this means forgetting everything that the aggressor has "instilled" in you to keep you under his control. Don't let him get hold of your life.
Step 6. Remember it is YOUR life at stake
If she abuses you physically, it is clear that the levels of violence will increase. Of course, he promises you every time that it will never happen again, and for a while you will be quiet, but then he will come back to do it again, ALWAYS. After a physical attack, you could be permanently scarred or brain damaged or mutilated or even die. What good will his promises be then? If you are unsure whether you are safe once you leave the house, you can apply for a court order. This ordinance requires your spouse not to approach you within a certain distance and potentially not even your children. We recommend that you contact the police or your local attorney to find out how to get it enforced. You will need to prove that you have been abused, although an affidavit of past events will usually suffice. But just like your husband's promise, even a protection order cannot protect you. Although, in case he violates the order, you call the police, it may still be too late. Promises and paper should never replace common sense.
Advice
- Make sure you save as much money as possible and open a new individual bank account in your name.
- In many good companies, there are funds available to help employees experiencing these kinds of problems.
- Make sure you have a list of important numbers in your wallet, or keep important information on your personal account that you can reach from anywhere. You may not be able to go home to pick up anything once you leave your husband.
- If you have a family you trust get help, ask for their help too. You may be ashamed of your choices and be reluctant to ask for help, but ask for it anyway. If she can't or doesn't want to help you, don't let her stop you.
- It will be easier if you leave him with a plan, having already found a place to go, etc…, BUT if you feel like you are in danger, don't hesitate, RUN!
- Be realistic. Take your responsibility. Don't be a victim. Believe in yourself: seek professional advice from a psychologist, you will be able to learn new ways of living and you will be able to recover. Give yourself time.
- Talk to a friend about your abusive situation and agree on a code so they know when to call the police.
- Find a friend or family member (away from home) who keeps a calendar on which to record what happens to you. Show them the bruises and don't hide them. They will be able to testify before a jury.
Warnings
- Your life may not be perfect after you are gone. In some states there may not be much attention to these issues. Social aid programs struggle to stay afloat. You may not be able to financially address the path you have chosen to take. But YOU WILL LIVE.
- Call the police if you have been physically abused. First of all, it is necessary to verbalize it. The authorities also know where you can take refuge. NEVER passively suffer violence. It will intensify more and more and in the end it is the woman who pays.
- Even if you believe that your attacker loves you, and you love him, the only solution is to get out of the situation. You cannot "change" the aggressor.
- Also, DO NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to be influenced by the Holy Scriptures, theologians, etc … who make you believe that God and the Holy Bible, etc.. condemn you if you divorce an aggressor. If they try to convince you with biblical reasons not to get a divorce, prove them wrong.
