Everyone argues from time to time. Sometimes, however, squabbles can turn into grueling ordeals that begin to affect our well-being, not to mention the relationship with the other person. If you are tired of arguing - and perhaps you want to quit altogether especially with a particular person - one of the first steps to take is to recognize your state of mind.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Tackling Discussions with Respect
Step 1. Be ready to compromise
The ideal would be that the two litigants end the confrontation on a positive note. Therefore, you are likely to have to reconsider your position and metaphorically back down by a few millimeters.
- Make sure you understand the other person's point of view or position. There may be more to what he says than what you have considered.
- Be honest and direct about your position and try to make yourself understood clearly.
- Offer alternatives that take into account the contribution of both.
- Keep in mind that there is no need to settle small differences, especially if it is a matter of opinion.
Step 2. Pay attention to the needs of others
Even if no one is willing to give in across the board, if each of you respectfully communicated your needs, the disagreement would not transcend into a more serious discussion.
- Make sure you both have the opportunity to say clearly and calmly what to do.
- Respect and listen quietly to your interlocutor as he describes his needs.
- Only after each of you understands each other's needs can you talk openly and find solutions that offer both of you what you need.
Step 3. Ask a question if something is not clear to you
In general, questions allow you to arrive at a solution much more than simple observations. More precisely, they help identify the cause of the dispute, which should happen before resolving a dispute.
- The questions can be simple and straightforward, such as: "Why are you upset?" or "Do you understand why I'm angry?".
- More generally, if the impossibility of finding an agreement is revealed, you can ask: "How do you see the situation?".
Step 4. Listen
Realize that you don't have to agree - nor will you probably not agree - on everything others say. You have to listen. Allow your interlocutor to deliver his speech, stand in front of him and convey your full attention with positive body language.
- If each of you has the opportunity to express yourself, it will also be listened to.
- Reiterate that you are listening by saying "I understand".
- After hearing the response, rework what the other person said in your own words and repeat it aloud to make sure you both feel the same way.
Step 5. Recognize your role in the discussion
In the interest of settling an argument and having a respectful conversation, you need to admit your responsibilities in the evolution of a disagreement. By expressing yourself, you will be able to reflect and recognize your mistakes.
- Admit negative emotions or feelings by saying, "I feel quite uncomfortable in this situation."
- Avoid using phrases that seem to blame the other person for what is happening, such as, "You have lost your temper."
- When you admit that you have contributed to exasperating the discussion, avoid accusing your interlocutor but focus on what you are feeling at the moment.
Part 2 of 3: Keeping Emotions Under Control During the Quarrel
Step 1. Re-evaluate your attitude and emotions during a rather tense discussion
While it's not easy to keep your emotions totally under control most of the time, you have to admit that moods influence behavior. Recognize that the psychological conditions you face an argument with are a determining factor in stopping arguing.
- Check your physical sensations.
- If you feel a lump in your throat, notice that you are holding your breath or feel tears in your eyes, observe yourself to see if you are indulging your emotional state.
Step 2. Don't discuss things that don't matter
If someone makes an irrelevant speech, don't forget that you have the freedom to decide whether to be upset by their words. Ignore irrelevant remarks or remarks made during a moment of anger.
- Try to keep the discussion on track by limiting the irrelevant topics that can be brought up when you lose your temper.
- Don't let anyone feed their ego by dragging you into their emotional confusion just for the sake of upsetting you.
- Simply state clearly that there is no need to insult or make irrelevant considerations.
- If there is a problem that needs to be resolved, address it later when both of you have calmed down.
Step 3. Recognize what anger looks like
Anger is a powerful emotion that fosters potentially destructive behaviors for interpersonal relationships. You can literally feel it when it bursts as the body releases certain chemicals.
- Understand that it is not destructive in itself, but it is the behavior that accompanies it that is aggressive.
- Be prepared to process it and control the physical and emotional effects.
- Don't try to ignore or deny it. If you go out of your way to suppress it, it could become overwhelming and suddenly explode.
- Pay attention to your voice. A sure clue that anger is affecting your behavior is the loudness of your voice. If you start screaming, it means you need to step back and manage your emotions before the situation transcends.
Step 4. Get used to controlling emotional spikes
If you get nervous or your interlocutor gets angry, be silent for a few moments and breathe. Describe your state of mind if you are able to do it with respect. Give yourself about twenty minutes to reflect and resume the discussion, even if only for a few minutes, in order to decide what to do.
- Accept the possibility that the problem won't go away right away.
- Once you have completely calmed down, try to concretely address the discussion.
Part 3 of 3: Avoiding Quarrels Ruining Relationships
Step 1. Avoid the classic pitfalls of couple quarrels
There are conflicting patterns that many couples fall into. Observe how you tend to argue with your partner and identify in what ways you want to improve the way you communicate.
- Start changing your behavior immediately. In this way, the other party is likely to start acting differently as well.
- Try to use words and phrases that indicate readiness for serious and mature dialogue.
- Beware of the tendency to run away, criticize, convey contempt, and get defensive, both in your behavior and that of your partner.
- Learn to assume the following attitudes. Try saying, "I want both of us to feel appreciated and considered" or "We need to make sure neither of us attacks or humiliates the other."
Step 2. Talk about what you are feeling before giving in to anger
If you can't help but bring up a problem that needs to be addressed, choose the right time and avoid being aggressive. Often, the mere fact of expressing concern removes the risk of the confrontation taking a bad turn.
- Avoid holding a grudge or being irritating.
- If something is bothering you, ask yourself why. Try to understand if this is a particular event or if your mood hides a bigger problem that you need to manage with your partner.
- Identify and address underlying issues to prevent minor hassles - inevitable in all relationships - from getting into arguments.
Step 3. Don't allow stressors not related to your relationship to negatively affect your relationship
It's easier said than done, but we often tend to take our frustration out on the people in our lives, especially the ones we love.
- Maybe you just need more space so that you can handle your needs related to work, health or any other aspect.
- Don't hesitate to address problems that arise outside of the relationship. If you are careful to contain the damage, you will prevent the harmful effects deriving from external tensions from ruining personal relationships.
Step 4. Recognize when the relationship is bad
Sometimes, the trick to quitting fighting is knowing when it's time to break all the bridges.
- Ask yourself honestly if you are happy to be in a relationship where fights are the order of the day.
- If your relationship is questioned at every argument or you repeatedly threaten to break up, ask yourself if this story hasn't come to an end.
- Neither emotional blackmail nor fears about the future of a relationship are sustainable and healthy.
- Here's an important and simple question to ask: Does this relationship involve more joy and support, or frustration and pain?
Step 5. Never mistreat your partner or allow them to mistreat you
Often, violence doesn't feel like violence, especially in the beginning. It is not possible to go on between constant outbursts or aggressive gestures, even if only against objects.
- Leave home if your partner doesn't stop screaming or starts breaking objects.
- If he uses physical violence, you must report him.
- If you are hoping to salvage a relationship based so far on violence and abuse, consult a couples therapist.
- If your partner does not want to be helped to control his anger or continues to abuse you, eliminate him from your life.
