Giving an ultimatum to someone in your life is an important strategy that leads to change, and it can work for anyone, from spouse to boyfriend, child, boss, colleague, client, or anyone. others interact with you. If you have come this far, it is likely that you have already gone through and gone through many traumas and difficulties due to this person's behavior, actions and words, as a result many emotions are connected with this ultimatum. However, you should think rationally and with a clear head to be sure that this is the only option left, and above all that it is something you are truly convinced of.
Finally, you must be ready to complete your idea or leave after the ultimatum, because that's what it is all about!
Steps
Step 1. Reflect on the reasons that led you to this point
By giving an ultimatum to someone, both their own conviction and the other person's willingness to change their attitude are tested, and it is not always easy to deal with these situations, unless you have already put your heart into it. peace on the possible outcome. It might seem like the only approach left, but it is not a simple choice, much less the only way to advance a relationship with someone. It is a permanent solution. So make sure you have exhausted all other possible options, such as speaking, asking, expressing your feelings and explaining the consequences, before issuing an ultimatum.
Step 2. Evaluate your feelings
If you are thinking of giving an ultimatum because you are unable to contain your feelings, then you are in a dangerous situation. Giving an ultimatum because you feel frustrated, angry, annoyed, tired, or insecure could backfire. If the person does not accept your conditions or does not agree with you, you would still be mired in your negative feelings. And even if the person were to accept, with these feelings it could be difficult, if not impossible, for you to face the change of direction within your relationship. Make sure you have considered all issues clearly and understand how you might react. You should only proceed after accepting the possible consequences and after having come to terms with your feelings.
Step 3. Make a realistic assessment of the chances of success
The possibility that an ultimatum works depends on a number of factors, such as the personality of the other person, his feelings or his way of handling problems. The ultimatum will have a better chance of having a positive effect on a person who is open to listening and learning from an objective discussion about their ways and behaviors, than an individual who takes refuge in alcohol and is unable to share a moment. of tranquility to work on one's flaws such as self-pity and unhappiness. In this case, it is better to help the person ask for and obtain professional help rather than demanding changes; until he is able to think clearly, an ultimatum could only make matters worse and be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Some cases where an ultimatum can work:
- You've been dating this person for years but they seem unable to commit themselves seriously. If you are sure that the person really cares about you, despite the fear of letting go, then a little push, like an ultimatum, can help. On the other hand, if you are aware that this person will never commit to you and is not really interested, then the ultimatum will probably not help much.
- The person you care about reciprocates your feelings, but doesn't spend much time with you or is too distracted from work or other commitments to focus on you. In this case, an ultimatum can help this person realize the effects of their own distance.
- Someone in your life has to make a decision so that you can make changes too, such as your residence or the way a work practice is carried out. However, make sure you don't use someone's indecision and inability to make changes as an excuse for not finding alternatives or more constructive ways to change things and improve your life.
Step 4. Choose an appropriate time
The person to whom you give the ultimatum must be aware of the commitment and eager to take part in it, so choose a time when you are sure you have his full attention. Also make sure that she is not under the influence of alcohol or drugs, nor distracted by other things while you are confronted. It is best to avoid this person liquidating you or giving you rope without actually believing in what they are saying just because they want to be left alone. To this end, you should carefully consider what the best time is to have a confrontation with the person to whom you want to give the ultimatum. It is definitely worth it.
Likewise, pick a time when you too are calm and poised. It is rather pointless to give someone an ultimatum during a heated argument or when you are so upset or angry that you can't think with a cool head. To give an ultimatum you need to feel your best and think clearly
Step 5. Be reasonable.
Make sure that the ultimatum is actually a feasible thing. Asking for the moon doesn't make much sense when the person in front of you isn't particularly helpful and open to criticism. Above all, don't try to change it. There is a big difference between asking to change certain attitudes and expecting a person to change completely. Instead, try to help the person see that their unpleasant behavior is not part of who they are, that is, instead of insulting and disparaging, try to focus on certain attitudes and the effect they have on you.
Never give an ultimatum to get foolish and immoral things. Furthermore, anything that goes against this person's principles should be excluded from the ultimatum
Step 6. Make it clear what you expect and what the consequences will be if what you want is not respected
You have to be as clear and transparent as possible, like "If THIS doesn't happen then I'll do THAT". Eg:
- "If you don't stop growing Marijuana in our garden by next Monday, then I'm going to move to a place where there are no drugs in the yard."
- “We have been together for 20 years. I don't like being just a de facto couple, it makes me feel like you don't really want to commit to me. I want us to get married and demand a response about it by the end of the month. If you don't like it, then it's over between us."
- “I've already asked you at least five times to help me decide which school to send our son to. I showed you the brochures, I showed you the prices and now it's close to the deadline for registration. If you don't decide to evaluate with me which school is the best, then by tomorrow I will enroll him in school "X" (name the most expensive school)."
Step 7. Prepare for a negative reaction
Hardly anyone likes to receive an ultimatum. While it is often something the other person needs, it is still not a pleasant thing. Also, bringing to light an issue that the person is trying hard to avoid is like touching a bare nerve. So expect him to react with resentment and in a negative way. For example, asking someone to make a commitment to you can lead to an opposite result from what you were hoping for, especially if the person realizes that the commitment goes against their desire to remain free and carefree. Since an ultimatum often touches a sore spot that the other person is trying to avoid in every way, bringing it to light can make you seen as an enemy. That's why you need to be ready to let go if the person doesn't agree with you.
This person may turn bad, talk bad about you, yell at you, laugh at you, ignore you, or get angry. All of these attitudes are aimed at belittling you in order to avoid sorrow or lack of decision, and even if you know you are right, you need to understand that putting pressure on someone is a delicate key to touch and can lead to breakup
Step 8. Be ready to let go
You absolutely need to be sure you can walk away or quit as specified in your ultimatum if the person tests you to see if you are bluffing. Like when teaching a child how to behave, you have to be consistent. If you have just said something that that person could not wait to hear, then you must be prepared for this and carry on with what you have established.
Advice
Mother Teresa once said: "I discovered a paradox, if you love to the point of suffering from it, then there is no more pain, only more love." Sometimes, if you feel the desperate need to give ultimatums, in reality you are the one who needs to examine your conscience. In fact, trying to understand which keys have been touched and what are the triggers, you may find that what you really need is to learn to relate to someone who does not behave and does not act as you would like them to do. And you may also realize that you can't force anyone to go in a certain direction, but you have to try to change your perspective and relate with a different approach. Loving challenging people can involve many sacrifices and sorrows, but in return you can become a better person and use your pain to find out how to love again, without having to demand certain conditions and needs
Warnings
- Giving an ultimatum without then completing what you have set out and retracing your steps will only earn you a reputation as a weak person who only shouts "wolf to wolf".
- Ultimatums are breaking points, they can end a relationship. You are aware of this from the start, so you must be ready to accept the end of the relationship.
- Beyond the validity of an ultimatum, some people tend to distance themselves from those who completely revolve their life around them as they perceive this situation as an emotional constraint and blackmail.
