Being a single mom is hard and rewarding work, but it can certainly complicate matters if you decide to start dating someone again. When you start dating someone, let them know you have a child right away so they don't think you are trying to hide something. Fortunately for many people, dating a woman with children is not a problem, in fact, some may even prefer it!
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Raising the Topic
Step 1. Mention your child to the person you are dating as soon as possible
The more you wait to say you are a parent, the harder it will be. Also, it may appear that you are trying to hide the fact that you have a child. It doesn't have to be the first thing you talk about, but you should be honest from the start.
Talking about your parenting right away will help you immediately discard any potential partner who doesn't feel comfortable dating a single mom. Don't worry, it just means that they are in a different stage of life than yours. There are many people for whom it will not be a problem at all
Step 2. If you need to break the ice a little, mention your child jokingly
Don't put too much pressure on yourself by trying to talk too seriously about it. Talking lightly about having a baby will let the person you're dating know that you love being a mom. If you're not sure how to approach the subject, try taking it jokingly!
- For example, if the conversation is going well, try saying something like, "It's great to have adult speeches. I spent the day arguing with my 3-year-old about which Super Pajamas is the best!"
- If the person you've dated asks if you've seen any good movies recently, you might reply, "My 12-year-old is obsessed with musicals at the moment, so I've seen Hairspray 3 three times this week alone, is that true?"
- Pay attention to the other person's reaction, but don't make it a matter of state. If he seems surprised, change the subject to allow him to get used to the idea.
Step 3. Ask the other person if they have children if you are nervous about talking about yours
During the getting to know each other stage, ask, "Do you have children?" You may be surprised to find that you are not the only single parent sitting at the table! Even if he doesn't have any, it can be an easy way to bring the subject up and it will certainly feel more natural than just throwing the information there.
- If the other person also has children, you might say something like, "Great! I also have a kid, 8 years old!"
- If the other person tells you that they have no children, however, you could simply reply: "I have a little guy, it's a blast!"
Step 4. Talk about your child in a positive way
If you talk about being a single mom like it's a burden or something to be ashamed of, the person you're dating may perceive it as a negative part of your life. Instead, if you talk about it with confidence and optimism, the other person will be more likely to see you as a strong person facing a challenging situation.
You might say something like, "I love being a mom! It's not always easy, but my 5-year-old is really smart and it motivates me a lot to give my best every day!"
Step 5. Share some details of your situation with ease
You don't have to tell the person you frequent all the details of why you are a single mom, but you can put your situation in context a bit. In particular, knowing that the other parent is out of the game could reassure the other person a lot.
- You could say, for example, "My daughter's dad died when she was still a baby" or "Her dad remarried, now they see each other on alternate weekends."
- Avoid talking negatively about the other parent, even if things went wrong. This is not a good thing for your child and the person in front of you may think that you would speak ill of her if your relationship does not last.
- Remember, you don't have to reveal anything that is difficult for you to share. It's okay to keep your past to yourself, especially if you don't know the other person well yet. As you begin to get closer, you will gradually be able to tell bits of your past.
Step 6. Be clear about what you expect from your relationship
If you are looking for a serious relationship, you should let the person you date know early on that you are interested in a lasting relationship. If, on the other hand, you just want a relationship with no strings for now, be just as clear about it.
- If you're hoping to start a serious relationship, you might say something like, "I really hope to meet someone to be with for a long time" or "I'm looking for someone who shares my long-term goals."
- If you just want a casual relationship, you can say, "I'm not looking for something serious, I just want to have some fun while trying to figure out what my next goals are."
- Whatever your goal, communicating what you expect right away helps the person you're dating to understand what role you expect them to play. Conversely, this will give him a chance to get out right away if he doesn't feel comfortable with the circumstances.
Part 2 of 3: Carrying the Relationship Forward
Step 1. Reassure the person you are dating by saying not to be in a hurry if they are feeling anxious
If he seems unsure about dating a single mom but seems to like him, let him know that you don't expect anything special from him and that you are in no rush to find a new father for your child.
Try saying something like, "We do great on our own, but I think it's important for me to still be able to enjoy an adult relationship."
Step 2. Don't take rejection personally
Sometimes you may just be faced with someone who isn't ready to have a baby in their life. It can be tough, especially if you really like that person, but try to remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you; it is just the contingent situation you are in. Respect his choice and keep looking for the right person for you.
If a rejection makes you feel bad about yourself, build your self-esteem by making a list of reasons why you are an interesting woman. Reread the list whenever you have doubts about what you are worth
Step 3. Take some time before introducing the person you are dating to your child
Even if he is completely comfortable with the fact that you are a single mother, you may still wait until you are sure that the relationship between you is stable and serious before introducing him to the baby. Generally, you should wait a few months to date someone before introducing them to your child.
- Babies are easily attached to people, and it may be difficult for them to manage a steady stream of mother's companions moving in and out of their lives, especially if they have already had to go through the separation of their parents.
- If you're not sure where your relationship is, talk to the person you're dating about how serious your relationship is. A simple question like "Do we have an exclusive relationship?" or "Which way do you think we're going?" can help you understand if you are both on the same path.
- When the time comes, try to arrange the meeting so that your child is comfortable, for example by inviting your partner over to eat a pizza and watch a movie.
Step 4. Find a good balance for shared parenting
If you are in a relationship with your child's dad, you will need to balance his role in your life and the role your partner will have towards your child. A good way to do this is to sit at the same table with your partner and your child's father and talk honestly with them about how to handle the situation.
- Make it clear that your new partner will not replace the other parent. In any case, everyone's role in this situation will greatly depend on how much the biological father is involved in the life of the children.
- For example, in some cases, the biological father may keep the children with him every other week or on weekends, thus maintaining an important role in their growth. In other cases, however, children only see the father occasionally, which means that his role in their lives is much more limited.
Part 3 of 3: Tell your child you are dating someone
Step 1. Address the speech in a simple, short, and age-appropriate way
You should never lie to him about your private life, but that doesn't mean revealing all the details. If you are going out to see someone, honestly tell them where you are going. Consider his age and maturity level as a guide to follow in knowing how to tell him about it.
- For example, to a small child you might say, "Mom is going out for a few hours to see a friend, while you're staying with Grandma. I love you!"
- To an older child, you might say, "A co-worker is taking me to the movies. It's not serious right now, but I'll let you know how things are going!"
Step 2. Be consistent in your parenting, whatever the case
It is important for your child to know that, beyond anyone else in your life, your relationship with them will not change. Draw boundaries from the start about the role your mate will play in your child's life. Even if she will come home every day or even move in with you, you will still need to be in charge of the house and the one who sets the rules, as well as being the person who makes the important decisions that affect your child's life.
- Keep the same rules and expectations that you have always had for your children and ask your partner to adapt to the circumstances.
- Any new mate should always respect the role that the child's other parent plays in his or her life.
Step 3. Be patient if your child is complaining to your new partner
Changes are difficult for children to accept, and even if the person you introduce to them is really nice, your child may be misbehaving or being rude. It's not his fault, it's the situation's fault. Don't try to force your child to like your partner, but ask him to behave respectfully.
- Try telling your child that you understand his fears and reassure him that you still love him, even if you are dating someone else.
- You might say something like "I know you are afraid of how things are changing, but I love you and that will never change. I hope you can give my new friend a chance."
Advice
- If you are trying to find dating online, write that you are a single mom already on your profile. This way you will be instantly discarded by any guy who isn't interested in dating a single mom, and the dates you make will certainly be more suitable for you.
- When you go on a date, don't spend all your time talking about your child. Embrace the opportunity to focus your attention on the interests and aspirations you have beyond your mom life.
