Raising children can be a real challenge. Some are very temperamental and always disobey, while others only misbehave from time to time. When dealing with a difficult child, remember that it is his attitude that annoys you and not him. Learn to impose limits, deal with whims, wrong behaviors and reinforce positive ones; you will be able to raise well-behaved children in no time. If you are caring for other people's children, you can teach them how to behave without affecting the authority of their parents.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Creating a Structure
Step 1. Set a set of rules
You should design them considering the age of the child. Young children need simple and straightforward rules, while older children can understand more complex rules, which vary according to the situation. The list should prioritize rules that prohibit unwanted behaviors exhibited by the child.
- For example, if your child behaves aggressively when he doesn't get what he wants, hitting you or someone else, you should make it a rule that violence is strictly prohibited.
- The list of rules should include all the things the child has to do every day and this also depends on his age. You can make him brush his teeth, face and comb his hair when he gets up every morning, make his bed, put his toys back, etc.
- Sit down with the child and discuss the rule list with him so that he knows what you expect from him.
Step 2. Tie immediate consequences to each rule
It is not enough to impose a set of clear rules that your child can understand and follow, you should also explain well what will happen if he breaks them. In the event of a violation of a high priority rule (for example, he hits you), the consequence should be more severe than the punishment for a less important rule (for example, he did not make his bed in the morning).
- You should never resort to physical violence to punish your child. Hitting him or spanking him damages your relationship, as well as showing him that he can get what he wants from people smaller and weaker than him with violence.
- Be sure to discuss all the rules and consequences with him. That way, he'll know what to expect.
Step 3. Give him something to do
Bored children find ways to have fun. While it is not wrong for a child to use their creativity when they want to have fun, this can lead to misbehaving or unwelcome behavior.
For example, if your child will be indoors all day, try to organize different activities for them. Let him color with pencils or crayons for an hour while you go about your chores. Play with him for a few minutes, ask him to help you prepare lunch, or go out into the garden to paint with your hands. It's a good idea to give him time to play alone, but just as important to be together and nurture your relationship
Step 4. Make a plan
In addition to giving your child plenty of things to do, you should also make a routine for him to stick to every day, particularly if he is not yet old enough to go to school. This will help him understand what to expect and at what times of the day, reducing boredom and frustration.
For example, let him nap at the same time every day. Make sure you don't change the routine. The same goes for the bathroom. For example, she could wash every day before going to bed, which is also a signal to start relaxing
Step 5. Consider the age of the child
Of course, as time goes by, you will need to change the rules and the punishments that come with breaking them. Consequently, it is important to remember that young children are unable to understand complex rules with conditional factors, while older children may have more control and independence.
- Children between 0 and 2 years old are unable to understand the rules. If they don't have to touch certain items in the house, it's best to keep them out of their reach. If they reach a place they don't need to be, say "No" firmly and gently, then distract them with another activity. You can use several-minute punishments to help them associate certain actions (such as biting or hitting) with a negative consequence. Putting them in punishment for more than a few minutes is not effective.
- Children between 3 and 5 years old are able to understand the connection between what they are doing and the consequences of their actions. If your child is misbehaving, tell him why he shouldn't repeat this before punishing him. Tell him what he did wrong and what will happen if he does it again. On the following occasion, remind him of what you told him, then give him the punishment.
- From age 6 to 8, punishment is a good way to punish a child. Find a place in the house that is free of distractions (like televisions, computers, etc.) so that he is forced to think about what he has done. Always remember not to resort to extreme measures. Being punished for 6-8 minutes is enough. If the child makes a scene, tell him he will stay grounded until he calms down.
- Starting at age 9, up to age 12, you can start using the natural consequences of her actions as punishment, in addition to disciplinary action, such as not being able to go out for a week. For example, if your child does not do their homework before bed, you should let them learn what happens when they show up at school without having done their homework before intervening. From this age, children should learn to understand for themselves what happens when they do not do what is asked of them.
- If your child is a teenager, you need to change the rules so that they can have control and independence, as far as is reasonable. If he breaks a rule, there should still be consequences, but as before, it's important to explain to him why he has to abide by the rules. For example, if he comes home after curfew without warning, tell him it made you worry a lot.
Part 2 of 5: Coping with tantrums
Step 1. Step away
If your child is making a big scene (screaming, screaming, crying, banging his fists on the table, etc.), the best thing you can do is deprive him of the audience. It could be just you watching, or even his siblings, friends, grandparents, etc. If you are at home and your child is not in danger of getting hurt, suggest that everyone move to another room for a few minutes.
If you are not at home, get your child out of the public place as soon as possible. For example, if you are in the supermarket, get him in the car
Step 2. Let him know that you understand that he is angry
If he's under the age of four, you can let him let off steam on his own in a safe place. Check that he is okay every few minutes, tell him that you understand that he is upset and that you will speak when he is done throwing a tantrum.
- If your child under the age of four has a violent reaction to you, such as with a punch, kick, scratch or bite, you should immediately put him in punishment. Tell him very clearly that such behavior will absolutely not be tolerated.
- Once he has calmed down and you have a chance to talk, listen to what he has to say and tell him that having a tantrum is not the best way to solve the problem. However, don't give too much importance to what happened. Explain what he could have done differently, then change the subject.
Step 3. Remind him of the rules
If your child is over the age of four and is having a tantrum, kindly remind them of the rules. Explain that he has two options: he can stop misbehaving and do something that is within the rules, or he can continue with tantrums and not have enough time for the activities he prefers.
Once he has calmed down, explain to him a better way to express his feelings in the future. Also ask him to think about how he might have reacted better
Step 4. Distract him
In some cases, the tantrums can be so intense that you can't reason with your child. In such a situation, you can try to distract him with his favorite book or with a pacifier, if he uses it.
However, when the scene is over, it is still important to discuss the best ways to deal with problems in the future
Step 5. Don't give in
Especially when a child throws a tantrum in a public place, such as the supermarket, you may think that the best solution is to give him what he wants so that he stops embarrassing you. However, this is a bad idea, because it would only make him realize that with the scenes he gets what he wants. It may seem like a good idea at the moment, but you will regret it the next time he behaves the same way in a similar situation.
Step 6. Don't scream
When a child has a tantrum and makes you feel frustrated, the temptation to yell at him to stop can be very strong. However, at this point, the screaming would be of no use and would only increase your stress, as well as that of the little one.
Instead, keep your voice calm and even. If you feel like you will scream if you open your mouth, don't say anything. If you're about to lose your temper, it's best to walk away for a few minutes, as long as your child isn't in danger and can't get hurt
Step 7. Eliminate the cause of the tantrums
Once your child has calmed down, you should take care of the object they are nervous about, then replace it with something quiet and relaxing that they can focus on.
For example, if your child is upset that he wanted a chocolate bar, move him away from the candy section and have him read a magazine while you finish grocery shopping
Step 8. Remind the child that you love him
Tell him that even if you don't appreciate his behavior, you love him and you will forever. It is important to understand that your affection for him does not depend on his behavior.
For example, you might say, "The scene you made was bad, I hope you understand that I don't like it when you scream like that; however, I love you very much, even when you throw a tantrum." Don't say, "You've been a really bad kid in the grocery store. It's hard to love yourself when you act like this."
Part 3 of 5: Dealing with Wrong Behaviors
Step 1. Tell your child what you would like them to do
If he misbehaves or has done something you don't like, don't just say "Stop it!", But rather tell him what he should have done and what reward he will receive for his positive behavior.
- For example, if your child yells at his younger brother, you can say, "Remember we have a rule about screaming. If you feel angry at your brother, go to another room instead of screaming. If you can do that, you will. I'll take you to the cinema ".
- You can also give the child a chance to tell you what he thinks. For example, you can say, "What did your brother do that made you yell at him?" This will make him feel understood, so he won't think you're just trying to change his attitude without understanding why he's angry.
Step 2. Remind him of the rules
If your child breaks the rules, remind them of the rule and the consequences of their action. Explain that if he continues to misbehave, you will be forced to punish him.
At this point, you can give it a choice. Explain that he can stop misbehaving, not be punished and do something else, or continue and face the consequences
Step 3. Keep your word
In some cases, punishing your child for breaking a rule can be a nuisance. However, if they have violated a policy, it is important that you keep your promise and do so in a timely manner. If not, the child may learn that you don't follow the rules too, so why should he?
If for some reason you are unable to give the punishment right away, explain to your child that you will do it anyway, but in the future. Motivate the delay, so that he understands that he is not getting away with his behavior
Step 4. Be consistent
This can be very frustrating, especially if you will have to deal with the same behavior many times before you can correct it, but it is important that your child understands that he will face consequences every time he breaks a rule. Make sure you keep your word, explaining what the rule is, why the child broke it, and what the punishment will be.
For example, if your child punches another child, immediately punish him and prevent him from playing for five minutes. If he does it again, repeat the punishment. Do this as often as necessary, so that he understands that bad behavior always has consequences
Part 4 of 5: Reinforce Positive Behaviors
Step 1. Ask your child to think about rewards for positive behaviors
You can sit down with him and write about different activities he would like to do, his favorite dishes and places he would like to visit. Ask him what things he loves the most and make a list in order of priority.
When your child does something really great, you can reward him with the most coveted prize. For example, if his teacher tells you he was an exemplary pupil at school, you can take him to the zoo if that's what he wants most. You can use the other rewards for times when he does well, such as if he goes to bed every day for a week without being asked
Step 2. Praise him with words
If you notice that your child is doing particularly well, tell him. Thank him for what he did, then hug him. Reward him with a list item.
If you never reward him before he remembers your agreement, you could make him understand that you are not careful
Step 3. Spend time with him
Most children love to do activities with their parents and caregivers. If your child behaves well, show him that you appreciate him by doing something with him. Allow him to take more responsibility. This will let him know that you have noticed his positive attitude and that you are rewarding him.
For example, if your child is doing very well, ask him to help you plant some flowers in the garden. Let him lead the operations (within reason). Have him decide where to plant the flowers, have him put the seeds in a hole and cover it
Part 5 of 5: Taking Care of Other People's Children
Step 1. Talk about discipline with parents
It is important that you ask how you should punish the child if he breaks the rules. Ask them what steps they take and what they expect you to do.
It is important to talk about these things with parents, so that there are no misunderstandings. If you don't, you may be using disciplinary techniques other than family techniques. This would cause stress and confusion for the child, as well as create tension between you and the parents
Step 2. Set rules
Probably, you will choose the same ones dictated by the parents. However, you can ask to include one or two new items on the list, which will make the child understand how to behave when you are caring for him.
- For example, you might include a rule that explicitly mentions that when you take care of him, you make the decisions and he has to do what you say.
- It is probably a good idea to also talk to the child (if he is old enough to understand) and the parents, so that everyone knows the rules (including new ones). This will help the little one understand that the rules are in place even in your presence and that you know them.
Step 3. Be consistent
This is the most important piece of advice. In some cases, it is easier to let a child do what he wants. However, it is important to follow all the rules and enforce the consequences when they are broken.
This is important, because if your child understands that you don't follow the rules to the letter, they will be more likely to misbehave in your company. Furthermore, he may begin to question his parents' authority
Step 4. Suggest changes to parents
If you find that some rules don't work, or if you have advice on new rules that you think will help a temperamental child behave better, talk to the parents. Always try to be respectful. Don't say, "You're doing this and it's stupid. It's not working, you should be doing this instead." Conversely, if you want to suggest a new idea to replace a rule that doesn't work, you can say, "I tried to persuade [child's name] not to break this rule, but it seems to have problems. What do you think of this different approach? …? ".
Don't make parents think you are insulting their educational methods. Instead, try to convince them that you want to help them improve, if possible, but without undermining their authority
Step 5. Keep parents updated
Once you are done caring for the baby, you should talk briefly with the parents, explaining how he behaved and whether it was necessary to punish him.
This will help them figure out which methods work and which don't, as well as give you a chance to suggest ideas you have
Step 6. Avoid violence
Just as you should never slap your child to punish him, the same certainly applies to other people's children.
- If parents suggest using violence as a punishment, politely explain what the flaws of this method of discipline are. Respectfully explain that you will not hit the baby and suggest an alternative. If they persist, you should probably give up on your deal.
- If you are concerned about the safety of the child, contact the authorities. Unfortunately, in Italy it is legal to hit one's children, but the laws indicate precisely what is allowed to be done and what is not. If you have any concerns, it is better to contact the authorities than to do nothing and let a child be abused.
