Sometimes, it's tempting to offer unsolicited advice. It takes a long time to realize the situation and find a solution. However, since people feel the need to live their own lives and make decisions for themselves, expressing a point of view on something could lead them to get defensive. Unless you are explicitly asked, it is usually not convenient for you to dispense advice. Rather, think about adopting the behaviors you would like to see in others and think about the reasons why you tend to express your opinion.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Evaluating Your Intentions
Step 1. Understand the difference between having an opinion and being presumptuous
Even if you are sometimes convinced that you are innocently expressing what you think, be aware that others may take it as an unflinching judgment or opinion. So, in order not to be misunderstood, learn about the difference between expressing your opinions and being arrogant.
- An opinion is simply a belief or idea based on personal tastes rather than on fact. An example would be: "I'm not a fan of that TV show. I don't find it funny."
- A conceited person has rather inflexible opinions. Instead of expressing his preferences, he supports his personal opinion as if it were a fact. Often it does not allow others to express different opinions or ideas. He might go so far as to criticize or judge, saying, "That TV show is really trivial. I can't imagine how anyone would see it. It's such an idiotic humor that only a troglodyte can like it."
Step 2. Determine if your position is exquisitely altruistic
Ask yourself if you are offering unsolicited advice to help someone. Despite good intentions, you should recognize that even advice inspired by generosity usually backfires. If you are motivated by an altruistic spirit, people can get defensive to protect their personal freedom and life choices.
For example, suppose you are concerned about the health of a smoker friend. If you start giving unwanted suggestions about the solutions you can take to quit smoking, it could raise a wall to defend your lifestyle. The fact that you are motivated by good intentions will not help you if you do not respect your personal choices and the way he intends to lead his life
Step 3. Stay calm if you are excited about giving advice
It is normal to give tips and solutions that make life easier. However, don't forget that friends, colleagues and family have the right to make decisions on their own in the face of the most difficult situations. You probably want to keep your advice to yourself, unless you are asked explicitly.
Step 4. Don't give advice if you are annoyed
It can be boring to hear the same problem over and over from a friend or colleague while knowing what the best solutions might be. Even if empathy and attention take some effort, it is preferable to continue listening to him rather than starting to offer unwanted opinions. You don't know what situations may prevent him from adopting the solution or advice you intend to offer.
Step 5. Avoid pontificating
If you are tempted to rule when certain topics are addressed, pay attention to your attitude and the effects it may have on others. If you notice that the other person is not always friendly, you may want to stop offering unwanted opinions.
Part 2 of 3: Listen actively
Step 1. Listen by opening yourself up mentally
When you have a face-to-face conversation, stand in front of your interlocutor, look him in the eye and listen to him by preparing yourself mentally to what he says. Likewise, listen carefully and without prejudice when talking on the phone. Try to understand his reasoning.
- If you have a hard time staying focused, try repeating his words in mind.
- Instead of continuing to dispense unsolicited advice, try to empathize with her situation by paying attention. Only give your opinion if you explicitly ask.
Step 2. Value what he is saying
To assure the other person that you are attentive to what they are telling you, try nodding in affirmation. You could also say "yes, yes". If you see fit, add, "Thank you for talking to me" or "Sounds right."
Step 3. Put yourself in his shoes instead of giving unwanted advice
If you are going to get to know your interlocutor better, maybe you should just listen to him. If you offer him unsolicited tips, he may react negatively and it all ends up in a soap bubble. Instead, try to pay attention and show empathy by saying:
- "I understand, but continue".
- "It's a very complicated situation. I'm sorry for everything you're going through."
Step 4. Ask if you have understood correctly
Once he has finished speaking, make a comment or ask a question to summarize his speech. In this way, you will be sure that everything is clear to you. Try to summarize what he said, then ask him if your interpretation is correct:
- "From what you just told me, I guess you are apprehensive about what happened to Giovanni and that you would like to intervene in some way. Did I understand correctly?".
- "From what I understand, you want to recover your relationship with Sandra, who had to leave for Christmas. On the one hand, the problem seems to be the distance, but it also includes the other aspects that you have highlighted. Is that right?".
Part 3 of 3: Knowing When and How to Offer Advice
Step 1. Stop solving other people's problems
Try to put aside your own considerations and any ideas to fix things. Rather, ask yourself how you might empathize with the person in front of you. For example, let go of the illusion of solving his problems and try to immerse yourself in his situation.
You may not always agree with her way of seeing things, but you should still listen carefully and try to understand her
Step 2. Try to imagine the circumstances he is in
Often unwanted advice is given when the situation or difficult moment that the interlocutor is going through is not adequately understood. To overcome this obstacle, try to understand his difficulties and identify with what he is experiencing. It might be useful to ask for clarification:
- "Can you explain yourself better?".
- "It seems like a really thorny situation. I'm not sure I understand how you got involved in this story. Can you remind me of what happened?"
Step 3. Ask how you can intervene
After listening, ask what you can help with. The other person may tell you that simply paying attention to their story is already a big support for them. If she needs anything, ask her to call you. If she wants advice, tell her not to hesitate to ask. Try the following:
- "I'm always there for you if you need me. Really, for anything."
- "What can I do to help you?".
Step 4. Provide your opinion if specifically asked
Requested advice is much more appreciated than unwanted advice. In these cases, you can go ahead and envision possible solutions to fix a given situation. Express your point of view if asked:
- "I really need some advice to solve the problem with my brother. I'm a little confused right now. If you've had such an experience, do you think you can help me?".
- "Have you ever dealt with a family member suffering from depression? Do you have any advice for me based on your experiences?".
Step 5. Talk to your interlocutor if he or she is at risk of engaging in self-harming behavior
Instead of telling him what to do, show him that you love him and listen to his problems. If you find it necessary to tell a mental health professional about your situation, don't promise to keep any secrets. Pay attention to everything he has to say and try to be close to him.
