If it is important to you to keep your virginity in the immediate future or in the long run, then know that you and you alone have the right to make this choice. Setting strong and healthy personal limits is the key to maintaining autonomy over decisions that affect your body and also allows you to determine which other people's actions towards you are acceptable and which are not.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Define Your Limits
Step 1. Give the words meaning
"Virginity" and "sex" are terms that different people define differently. Before setting your limits, you must know the meaning you attribute to these words.
- Ask yourself a difficult question: How exactly would you define "sex"? What kind of intimate contact is allowed and which is excessive? What is the meaning of "virginity"? Is it a spiritual concept, a mental one, a physical state or a combination of all of these?
- You need to be clear about these parameters, so you know what's right for you and to be able to communicate it clearly to other people.
- If you know your boundaries, you know how to make them clear to others, and you expect people to respect them, then you will have more power and strength to stand up for your body and what you feel is right.
Step 2. Set limits
At this point you need to determine the conditions that define the physical, emotional and mental boundaries. No individual has the right to violate them or disrespect you.
- Set emotional boundaries. With what level of emotional involvement are you comfortable and with which not? What kind of behavior makes you emotionally uncomfortable? Always remember that the feelings and sensations of others are no more important than yours.
- Decide what the mental limits are. How willing are you to be influenced by the ideas and opinions of other individuals? When do you get the feeling that someone is not respecting your thoughts and values? To what extent are you able to explain and defend your personal beliefs to another person?
- Set physical boundaries. How, where and when can you accept physical contact? What kind of contact exceeds your limits? Make these terms clear, both for yourself and for others.
Step 3. You must feel comfortable and proud of yourself and your body
We are often bombarded with persistent messages about how we should or shouldn't look, feel and act. These messages make it difficult for us to justify our decisions and feel empowered to make them. However, if you have faith in yourself and your choices, then you will have the strength to expect people to respect you and your decisions about your body.
Don't sacrifice yourself or your body just to comply with someone else's totally arbitrary standards. If someone can't see the beauty and integrity of your body in you, then leave them out of your life or, if it's someone you can't ignore (like a parent), then sit down and discuss with them. Define the line between what is acceptable and what is not and ask for it to be respected
Part 2 of 3: Tell the Partner Your Limits
Step 1. Be clear with all the people you hang out with
For some, the absence of sex is a fairly important reason to break up a relationship and it is not right for either of them to delay in communicating their position on sexual relations to the other.
- While it may be tempting not to immediately tell someone you like that you want to stay a virgin, don't. Sooner or later he will find out; the later this happens, the more suffering and torment you will experience and that you could spare yourself instead.
- If the partner is not of the same opinion and cannot maintain a platonic relationship with you, there is nothing wrong with that, it is right that he makes his choice. However, don't let their priorities affect yours; respect each other's decisions. If you have different opinions about sex, leave yourself with no hard feelings.
Step 2. You must be explicit and sure of your personal thresholds
You have the right to define specific terms that relate to your body; if an individual doesn't respect them, it means they don't respect you as a person.
- As a relationship begins to become more important and / or intimate, tell your partner exactly what the boundaries are and ask them to stick to them.
- If you are young, for example a high school teenager, it is particularly important to be very decisive in communicating your position to the other person. Otherwise, the partner may think that you are just a little reserved and that they will have to "commit" to get what they want. Be clear that sex is absolutely out of the question.
- If, on the other hand, you are more mature, for example you go to university, then your partner may be surprised that you want to remain a virgin. Don't be upset by her reaction and don't take it too personally. Just explain, calmly, what your personal choice is and that it is non-negotiable.
- It is up to you to answer or not any questions your partner wants to ask you about your choice of virginity. If you feel comfortable discussing the details of this decision and you feel like you are talking to a respectful person, then do it. If you feel uncomfortable or don't like the line of his questions, politely end the conversation by saying, "This is a topic I don't want to discuss."
Step 3. Remember what your rights are
You have the right to say "no" to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
- It's about your body, if you don't want to go beyond kissing and holding hands, you have a right to be like that. Don't be bullied by anyone and don't feel forced to do things you don't want to do or things that make you uncomfortable. You always have the right to refuse and to expect the other to respect your will.
- If someone approaches you, touches you or talks to you in a way you don't like, tell them to stop in a firm voice and confident body language. If he persists, leave immediately and seek the support of a few friends.
Step 4. Know that there is nothing wrong with saying "no"
More importantly, remember that it is up to the other person to be mature enough to be able to "cash in" a rejection. If he reacts badly, that's his problem. A simple "no" should suffice, but if it doesn't, be prepared for one of the setbacks you are likely to receive.
- Be prepared that the person you are rejecting, if young (adolescent), may not be mature enough to handle your "no" and may end the relationship childishly.
- Answer in a concise, honest and respectful manner (at least at the beginning) and be ready to repeat yourself if necessary.
- For example, if the other person says: "If you don't want me to do this, it means that you don't love me", simply reply: "I love you and I don't want you to touch me like that".
- If your partner tells you: "But last time you gave it to me", remind him that you always have the right to change your mind.
- Answer the classic offense: "You are moralistic (repressed or frigid or any other epithet)" with: "I am comfortable with my body and I am asking you to respect it".
- If the partner is older (for example, he attends university), it is hoped that you will receive a more mature response. If, however, he has a childish reaction, then you should ask yourself whether you want to continue a relationship with this type of person.
Step 5. Leave
If someone refuses to respect your emotional, physical and mental boundaries, then leave. Learn to do it calmly and confidently. The most important thing is to get away from that person but, if possible, try to do it in a calm and quiet way to get the message that you will not be manipulated.
- If you are at a party or other social occasion, get away from this individual and look for a friend to talk to. If you are alone with this individual, leave and go to a place where there are other people or where you can get help in case of need (walk to a taxi, an open shop or a phone booth).
- As you walk, imagine crumpling up his words and throwing them in the trash.
- After you get rid of her words, say and embrace something beautiful about yourself.
Step 6. Make it go away
If you find yourself in a situation where the other person does not seem to understand what you are saying, then there are a couple of reactions you can have to get involved and stop them.
- If you are at a party, club or other public place where this individual does not take "no" for an answer and the fact that you are not interested, then you have every right to look him straight in the eye with a determined expression. and say: “I said no and now go away!”.
- If, on the other hand, you want to have some fun and don't believe that the other person is really a threat (if you feel you are in danger you should leave immediately and seek help), then you can say something like this: “If I had sex with a person, I would bond. really very much to her”or:“I'm not ready to tell you about my herpes problem yet”.
Part 3 of 3: Resisting Peer Pressure
Step 1. Understand the types of pressure peers often put on you
It is by no means new that teens suffer from "group" pressure - including that of sex. In order to resist this phenomenon, you must know how to recognize it and understand what it is. When you notice that a friend is using one of these tactics, you need to prepare to deal with them. The classic types of peer pressure are:
- Obvious pressure: This is the most common and often involves direct and obvious statements from other group members, for example: “I can't believe you are a virgin. Everyone had sex!”.
- Sneaky pressure: this kind is less obvious and usually tends to make the person who receives it feel wrong or strange just for the reason that they don't conform to the “pack”. You may get replies like, "It doesn't matter, you are a virgin and you can't understand," or your classmates may label you "the virgin" or "the puritan" and so on.
- Controlled pressure: in this case it is a clear attempt to force yourself to do something by threatening, excluding you or ending a friendship if you refuse. They might say things like, "We can't be friends if you're a virgin" or, "I don't hang out with virgins."
Step 2. Be skeptical
People around you may tell you that they have had great experiences, but they are much more likely to be exaggerating, if not lying, about how far they have gone.
While they may seem convincing to you, get used to being wary of their statements. You don't necessarily have to disbelieve their words, but you should file them under "probably not true" things
Step 3. Learn the virtue of the sentence:
"This is not true". It can be difficult to maintain a sense of pride and self-worth when dealing with negative external messages, whether they come from the media, popular culture, friends, family or authorities.
If someone wants to probe your boundaries with negative comments or statements that you know are false, then defend yourself. Repeat the sentence: "This is not true!" both to yourself and to the other person until the message is clear
Step 4. Define what are the implications of having sex
Often, most peer pressure is to make you believe that losing your virginity has to do with specific things, such as marking your transition into adulthood or allowing you to claim more independence from your parents.
- Establish what sex means and doesn't mean to you. No one else can decide for you.
- Do not accept and do not make your own the evaluation that others give to sex. This is especially important if you are in high school, where the pressure on sex is quite strong and hard to ignore. Don't let people tell you things like: "You haven't had sex yet, it means you're unattractive", or: "You've never done it because you're too scared". The choice to remain a virgin has nothing to do with any of this. It means that you are actively respecting a decision regarding your body and that you are not letting other people tell you what is right for you.
Step 5. Surround yourself with positive people
The best way to reduce negative group pressure is to avoid the people who generate it.
- If any friend is harassing you, teasing you, or pressuring you in other ways about sex, ask them firmly and calmly to quit. If he doesn't respect you, stop dating him.
- Find and hang out with friends who accept your choice and who respect your body's right to decide.
Step 6. Leave
Just like you would do with a partner who doesn't respect your boundaries, behave the same way with friends who do the same.
- Walk away calmly and confidently. The most important thing is to distance yourself but, if you can, try to do it with tranquility and serenity, so you communicate that you are not willing to be manipulated.
- As you walk away, imagine crumpling up other people's words and throwing them in the trash.
- After you get rid of these statements, say and embrace something beautiful about yourself.
Advice
- If you have the feeling that you want to keep your virginity not so much for the value itself, but because you are not sexually attracted to other people, then do some research on asexuality and try to understand if this is the case for you. If so, there are many communities and sources online regarding your situation.
- If someone doesn't take "no" for an answer, it could be a clear sign that they don't respect you or your body. At worst, it could be a symptom of an abusive personality and you should seek out someone you trust for help.
- Remember that you and only you can define your limits. If someone can't or doesn't want to respect them, you have the right to ask or, if necessary, insist that they stay away from you.
- Don't be afraid to say "no".
