In a perfect world, dad is the person we rely on for guidance, who loves us unconditionally and tries to make us smile. Unfortunately, in real life he doesn't always have these qualities. You may find yourself having an emotionally detached, drug addict, or even abusive father. In these cases, find a solution to limit his conditioning, take care of yourself in order to regain your serenity and seek help if he is aggressive and overbearing.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Reducing its Influence
Step 1. Understand that you are not the problem but your father
Do you feel guilty if he gets angry, drinks too much, neglects you, or is emotionally unstable? Many children believe that their parents are misbehaving because they have done something wrong. If you think this way, stop blaming yourself. Regardless of what he or anyone else says, you are not responsible for his behavior. Your father is an adult and is therefore required to take responsibility for his actions.
- If you have a hard time understanding that you have nothing to blame, talk to an adult about what you are feeling.
- Try repeating, "Dad is responsible for himself. I don't have to feel guilty about his behavior." It can be useful.
- Remember that his behavior has nothing to do with you. His conduct may depend on the way he was raised, a trauma he suffered, a mood disorder, or many other factors.
Step 2. Don't adopt his bad habits
Living with a father who has bad habits can lead you to believe that you will get them too. It is true that children can inherit bad behaviors from parents (for example, in the way of managing relationships or conflict situations and in the use of drugs), but it is not automatic. If you choose to act correctly, you will be able to escape its influence and avoid adopting the same behavioral patterns throughout your life.
- To reduce the risk of drug use, cultivate some interest after school. Such a commitment will keep you out of the danger of drug addiction.
- Observe your father and identify unhealthy attitudes you don't want to inherit. Then, find another reference figure who shows you what behaviors to follow.
- Similarly, if you are neglected or subjected to violence, consult a psychologist to address the problem. His contribution will avoid the future risk of emulating your father in the relationship with your children.
Step 3. Find more male examples
You can lessen your father's influence by trying to build healthy relationships with other male figures, preferably prominent in school, work, or your community. Their influence can eliminate some of the negative effects produced by the presence of a bad father.
- Join an association for boys and girls. You can also find a male point of reference in a teacher, coach, community leader, or spiritual guide.
- You might start by saying, "Hi, coach! I really admire you. You know, my father is rarely around me. I would love it if you became my mentor."
- Also consider the fathers of your friends. If a friend has a really good dad, try asking him if you can join them on occasion.
Step 4. Seek the support of positive people
Try to further reduce the negative effects of a bad father by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are ready to give you their support. While relationships with others do not replace the father figure, they can relieve the stress caused by this situation. So, don't hesitate to rely on people who love you.
Step 5. Keep your distance
If your father is a part of your life, but you feel that his presence tends to make things worse, move away from him. Avoid further psychological harm by avoiding his company.
- If you only see him once in a while, ask your mom if they can stop coming to see you.
- If you live in the same house, limit your presence by taking refuge in your room as soon as you can.
Part 2 of 3: Emotionally recovering
Step 1. Identify all the gestures that have hurt you
Start by listing the beliefs you have developed about yourself and consider how they formed. Then try to understand what behaviors they triggered and try to unhinge them.
For example, if your father has always told you that you are not smart, you have probably internalized his words to such an extent that you have compromised your academic performance. Try to demolish this belief by getting help in the subjects you have the most difficulty in in order to improve and prove to yourself that you are a smart guy
Step 2. Write a letter, but don't deliver it
It can be cathartic to put everything you think on paper. By writing a letter, you can release repressed emotions and deal with unresolved feelings towards your father.
- Write down everything you've ever wanted to tell him in as much detail as possible. Once finished, read the letter aloud as if your father were standing in front of you. Then burn it or tear it up.
- This exercise is for healing, so don't feel obligated to hand him the letter. However, if you want to send it to him, don't hesitate.
Step 3. Start taking care of yourself
There are many negative effects of having a physically or psychologically absent father, including lack of affection in relationships and mood disorders. Fight them by taking care of yourself.
You can use any method that makes you feel protected. Try watching your favorite movies or TV shows, taking a leisurely stroll in the fresh air, or relieving tension by massaging your shoulders
Step 4. Find out your strengths
Feeling distant or unloved by the father figure can fuel self-hatred and compromise one's self-esteem. To cope with these emotional problems, try to highlight your personal strengths so that you can gain more confidence in yourself, despite the lack of fatherly support.
- Sit down and list all the things you are capable of. If you are having trouble, ask a friend to help you.
- Stick the list on the mirror to keep an eye on it. Update it when other qualities come to mind.
- Write down the compliments you receive from other people, including teachers or adults that you value and respect. When you're down in the dumps, read them to remember what they think about you.
Step 5. Confide in a sincere friend
The emotional wounds of having a bad father can be very painful, but try to tell what you are feeling. Find at least one friend with whom you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings. By confiding in someone, you will be able to recover more easily.
You could start by saying, "My relationship with my father is creating a lot of problems for me. I need someone to talk to."
Step 6. Talk to a person in authority
In addition to talking to your friends, you probably want to tell an adult what's going on around the house. Try talking to a relative, teacher, or school counselor.
- You might say, "My family situation is really difficult. My father's alcoholism is getting worse and I don't know what to do."
- Be aware that, in some cases, those in positions of authority may feel compelled to report your father's behavior to the police or social workers. If you don't want to get him into trouble, you don't want to go into detail or you should go to a relative or a partner's parents.
Part 3 of 3: Defending Against Mistreatment
Step 1. Avoid arguing if your father is abusive
If he is angry or aggressive, avoid arguing or trying to reason with him. In such circumstances, the best way to handle the situation is to remain silent and speak only when asked. By arguing or trying to explain your point of view, you risk only to send him on a rampage and put yourself in danger.
Step 2. Find a safe place
If you live with an abusive father, think of a place to shelter when he is at his worst. By getting out of sight, you can escape physical or verbal attacks. If you have younger siblings, take them with you.
A safe haven could be a friend or neighbor's home, or a park near your home
Step 3. Tell someone about the mistreatment you are experiencing
To stop the spiral of violence, you have to find the courage to speak up. You will probably be scared because you fear the situation will get worse if you expose yourself by telling everything. However, if you don't stay silent, you won't be able to get the help you need.
- Call an adult you trust aside, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and tell them what's going on at home. Most people who work with minors are required to report cases of violence. Therefore, if they suspect or hear of mistreatment, they must call social workers or the police, otherwise they will pay the consequences.
- In Italy you can call Telefono Azzurro at 1-96-96 or communicate via the appropriate chat from Monday to Friday from 8 to 22, Saturday and Sunday from 8 to 20.
- If you live in the United States or Canada, you can call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child for round-the-clock assistance.
- If you are in the UK, call 0808 800 5000 to speak to someone anonymously.
Step 4. Contact the police if you are in danger
If your father is threatening to harm you or someone in the family, don't hesitate to notify the police. Do not assume that he will calm down or that his threats will not be followed up. If you are in danger of life, call 911 or the emergency services immediately.
Step 5. Consult a mental health professional
Psychotherapy can help you uncover some injuries caused by your father's mistreatment. It allows you to investigate and try to resolve the hidden feelings that prevent you from living peacefully.
- If you are under 18, ask your mother or legal guardian if you can see a psychotherapist. If you are in school, you can also tell the school counselor that you need to talk to someone.
- If you are 18 or older, ask your doctor if they can recommend a mental health professional.
