Assertiveness is a form of direct and honest communication, but also respectful. An assertive person knows what he thinks and wants and is not afraid to state it openly. However, he does not get angry or get dominated by emotions. Learning an assertive communication style takes time, but if you practice expressing your needs and expectations based on facts rather than blaming others and showing respect for the other person, you can acquire this powerful form of communication.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Developing the Skills that Allow You to Communicate Assertively
Step 1. Define and clearly state your needs and expectations
Those who communicate passively tend to hide or qualify their needs. Assertive communicators, on the other hand, identify what they want and ask for it directly or declare it. As soon as you have the opportunity, try to make a direct statement to communicate your thoughts or express your needs.
- You should still respect the needs and times of others, but not neglect your own needs or concerns just to please people. For example, instead of saying, "If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes," say something like this: "Today we have to define a plan for the assignment that has been given to us. What time will we meet? ".
- The definition of limits is accompanied by the manifestation of one's needs. Try to communicate them clearly. For example, if a colleague keeps annoying you and prevents you from completing a work assignment, say, "When I'm interrupted, I have a hard time concentrating on my homework. Maybe we could meet before lunch to discuss what you want together.".
- If the values you believe in and the priorities you set are not in a well-defined order, it may be difficult to communicate them clearly. Make sure you understand exactly what you want, think and need before manifesting it.
Step 2. Express yourself
Assertiveness means giving value to your needs without being aggressive. Get used to speaking in the first person when from time to time you want to express what you want or need. Do not go directly to the other person by blaming them and appearing irritated.
- For example, instead of saying, "You complicate my job", try saying, "I need valuable resources to do the job correctly and efficiently."
- Think about your wants and needs, trying to focus on those. Don't waste time blaming others. Instilling guilt is more aggressive than assertive behavior.
Step 3. Learn to say no with respect
There is the passive communicator who has a hard time saying no, the aggressive communicator who expresses his refusal without respecting others and, finally, the assertive communicator who says no when he is not really able to do something or cannot meet. to a request, but never disrespects the interlocutor. Try offering alternatives and solutions if you can't accept a task or proposal.
- For example, if a client asks you for a project that goes beyond your background and skills, answer him: "I can't do it right now, but I know a professional in this area who can help you. I'll give you his phone number. ".
- While it is polite to explain the reason for the rejection, it is not essential for effective and assertive communication.
Step 4. Learn to speak more professionally
Pay attention to your linguistic patterns and registers and try to change them if they are not assertive. Avoid interlayers and unprofessional words, such as "already", "practically" or "ok". You may find that you are speaking too fast or in a growing tone of voice because you fear that others will not listen to you or you want to overcome doubts about what you are saying. Consider that this attitude is not in line with assertiveness as it conveys indecision and insecurity. Try to change it to communicate more assertively.
Step 5. Use appropriate body language
Assertive communication is not only expressed in the verbal sphere. Also make sure you are strong, confident, and casual. In other words, you must make eye contact with the interlocutor and always maintain a straight posture.
- Eye contact is important, but avoid staring at people. It's normal to blink and look away, but staring at whoever is in front of you can seem like an aggressive or threatening approach.
- As for posture, keep your back straight and your shoulders slightly back. Don't be tense, but try to have awareness and control of your body.
- Do not assume a closed position. Do not cross your arms, do not cross your legs, and avoid frowning or contracting your face.
- Pay attention to muscle tension. Do some stretching or take a deep breath to relax physically.
Part 2 of 4: Learn to Speak Assertively
Step 1. Report the facts avoiding forcing and exaggeration
If you want to be assertive in everyday conversations, practice reporting the facts so you don't ramble and get into a fight. Try to express yourself by sticking to what actually happened instead of using hyperbole that can attribute unnecessary blame.
For example, if you talk to someone about an assignment that weighs on you to carry on, say, "I think I'm going to have to spend a whole month getting ready" instead of "This thing will last an eternity."
Step 2. Answer the easy way
Often those who have little self-confidence feel the need to give explanations. To avoid speaking as if you are insecure, try to communicate in a short and concise manner. Dry speech and assertive speech are often the same.
- For example, when you're invited for a drink after work, don't say, "I can't tonight. I have to go shopping, go to my mom's to take her dog out, then bring mine and, once back home., do the cleaning before my favorite show starts. " Rather, he politely declines without elaborating: "No, thank you. I can't tonight, but it will be for another time."
- This approach could also lead the interlocutor to accept your requests. Express yourself concisely, directly and precisely.
- If you tend to use interlayers, such as "ok", "uhm" or "yeah", try replacing them with small rests. Generally, they go unnoticed by the listener and do not hinder speech like interlayers and interjections.
Step 3. Repeat what you want to say
If you already know that you need to communicate a need, concern or opinion, repeat your speech. Learn to stay calm, speak clearly, and make positive affirmations that take into account your needs. Some people even find it helpful to write a script or practice with a friend or colleague.
- If someone helps you to repeat, ask them for their opinion to know if you are doing well and in what aspects you could improve.
- If you don't feel comfortable making sudden decisions, prepare some appropriate responses in various situations. For example: "I have to consult my wife. I'll get back to you" or "I can't. I already have a commitment".
Step 4. Reflect on your daily interactions
At the end of the day, take a moment to rethink your interactions with others. If they've been profitable, give yourself credit and think of a couple of ways to improve in situations where you haven't been as assertive as you intended.
Ask yourself: under what circumstances did you communicate assertively? Did you have a chance to be assertive and didn't take it? Have there been times when you tried to be assertive but were found to be aggressive?
Part 3 of 4: Communicate Assertively and Respectfully
Step 1. Respect the feelings of others
When you express yourself assertively, you must also listen carefully to the interlocutor, that is, you must make him understand that you consider his opinions and his state of mind. You don't need to agree with him, but show him that you listen to him and are willing to work with him.
For example, you might say, "I understand that you are concerned about the cost of this product. However, the time we can save in preparing reports and reports will far outweigh the initial cost."
Step 2. Check your emotionality
Outbursts and crying can annoy people by compromising the value and frankness of assertive speech. Do your best to keep emotions in check when working with others. Avoid using bad language or inappropriate language. If you feel that anger or a crying fit is about to take over, breathe very deeply through your diaphragm, counting to 3 before inhaling and exhaling. Continue until you have calmed down enough to resume what you were doing.
If you can't calm down, take a break. Apologize and walk away to regain self-control
Step 3. Make it clear what someone who does not respect your limits will face
If you feel bad every time someone violates your boundaries or doesn't respect your decisions, end the relationship or refuse to deal with them until they consider your desires, needs and stakes. Clarify the situation with calm reasoning.
For example, you might say, "I respect the fact that you have to go home by 8pm to look after your children, but how many times have you shown up at my house very early in the morning without wondering if you could bother me in a moment of privacy with my wife. If you don't consider my needs, I'm afraid we won't be able to date anymore."
Step 4. Be grateful when someone treats you well
If someone has done or is doing something for you, communicate your gratitude. Thank her in writing or in person. So, be sure to return the favor by listening openly and honestly when she expresses her needs and concerns.
You might say to her, "I know it was hard for you to give up the weekend to finish that project. I really appreciate your effort. We wouldn't have been able to finish it without your input. Notify me next time you need to finish a job. I will do all the work. possible to help you"
Part 4 of 4: Communicate Assertively in Common Situations
Step 1. Propose an alternative to problematic behavior
Whether you are in the office or hanging out with friends, there may be someone who makes you uncomfortable. Use assertive communication not only to tell him that you are struggling, but also to suggest an alternative.
- For example, if a colleague keeps picking up stationery from your desk without asking your permission, don't just say when you see them around: "I wish I had more pens, but someone keeps picking them up." It is a passive approach.
- Rather, address it directly: "I feel discouraged when you steal material I need because I cannot do my job properly. I would prefer you to ask permission from now on. I can show you which room the supplies are in if you don't know. where to refuel ".
Step 2. State your needs and take action with aggressive communicators
It can be difficult to avoid an aggressive phone salesman or activist. Practice your assertiveness to communicate your needs, then take action directly.
- For example, if a phone promoter doesn't stop calling, stop him before he gets to introduce his product by saying, "I know you are doing your job, but I'm not interested. I would prefer to be immediately removed from the contact list. I will take measures. more drastic if you call me again ".
- Then, go straight to action by noting the name and code of the person and the company that called you. If he calls again, ask to speak to his manager or report the company to a regulator.
- You can also take a solution by blocking the phone number and / or ignoring the phone call.
Step 3. Use assertiveness to make a request
In some cases - for example when asking for a pay raise - don't underestimate assertive communication skills. Let your manager know what you want and why you want it. Be firm, but stay open to dialogue.
- For example, if you want to ask for a raise, express yourself like this: "I would like to discuss a salary increase. The indicators show that I regularly exceed all other colleagues in the department by 30%. I would like my commitment to be recognized through a fair remuneration. which could be around a 7% increase. Is it feasible? ".
- Give the interlocutor a chance to respond and engage in an honest negotiation. If you demand instead of proposing, you risk losing what you want.
Advice
- If the conversation gets too tense, ask for a break. Explain that there is nothing personal, but that you prefer to take a moment to resume the confrontation later.
- It takes time to learn to communicate assertively. Don't give up, but keep practicing in everyday situations.
