Leaving home may be necessary if you feel seriously in danger, trapped with an abusive spouse, parent, or other family member. If all other attempts to resolve the situation quietly and peacefully have failed, you should learn how to escape from a domestic violence situation safely. If you can come up with a prudent plan and find a safe place to stay, your mental and emotional health will improve dramatically.
Steps
Step 1. Determine if your situation can be improved by contacting the police
While going to the police and filing a report can be scary and painful, it is very effective in many situations. Many people believe that the police cannot do anything. It used to be true, but the laws are changing. Call the helpline to find out more about local laws and how likely a criminal case is.
Step 2. Why are you running away?
Have you been thinking about running away for a long time or did something in particular trigger this thought in you? Maybe you are running away from one really serious argument you had with your parents or spouse; maybe you've done something you're ashamed of; maybe someone you live with beats you or verbally assaults you on a regular basis. Whatever your reasons, before you start packing, decide if leaving is really your only option - there are other ways of dealing with problems, aside from running away. You are probably very confused and scared, so don't make any decisions until you've calmed down. Once you have calmed down, sit back and think about all your options; if escaping is really the only way out, then proceed.
Step 3. What is preventing you from leaving?
Often an abusive person uses money, children, or a pet to threaten the person they are abusing and to prevent them from leaving. Consider foster care for your children. It can be temporary, your children will be in a loving environment and it will be even more difficult for the abuser to find them. There are many programs that care for animals or people who escape violence, but if you are unwilling to leave your pet with them, you may want to leave your pet with a trusted family member or friend.
Step 4. Make a plan and think about what you can do if something goes wrong
Make up possible excuses for everything!
Step 5. Find a place to relocate where you feel safe and where your abuser won't think of looking for you
If you have an ex boyfriend who you trust enough and who can keep a secret, get a host.
- Don't leave if you don't have a place to stay. You will find yourself on the street, with a limited availability of money and, perhaps, children to take care of. You may find yourself embroiled in horrible and dangerous situations as you try to get by.
- Know where your abuser will look for you and avoid those places at all costs.
Step 6. Keep no evidence of your plan to escape to your home; if your plans are discovered, it will be much more difficult for you to escape
Step 7. Choose a new identity
Consider changing your name and anything else that makes you vulnerable to being tracked, like your car, license plate, phone number, etc.
Step 8. Pack everything you might need and some money; you may never be able to go home again
Step 9. Walk away quietly and carefully and make the person you are running away from think that everything is normal for as long as possible
For example, leave at the beginning of a normal work day, so that your absence won't be noticed until the evening, which gives you 8 hours (this can change depending on your job) to make your move. If your abuser usually allows you to go out after work without consequences on her part, say you're dating a friend so you will gain more time
Step 10. Inform your neighborhood police station of your situation
Give them photos of your abuser so they'll know they need to be suspicious if that person shows up. If you feel comfortable you can also tell your neighbors.
Step 11. Take security measures at your new residence
Have an alarm system installed, lock the doors, etc.
Step 12. Always look over your shoulder; don't let your guard down
It is not the best way to live, but it is better than being stuck in a violent situation.
Step 13. Have a restraining injunction issued against the abuser
This is the first step in protecting yourself for life. If the abuser approaches you, calls you, sends you an email, he will be arrested. Your abuser will likely try to fight in court and lay the blame on you. If it comes to a situation where the judge may not issue the restraining order, ask for a double restraining injunction, which means neither can get close to the other. But keep in mind that a restraining order is just a piece of paper, not a force field. The police can't be everywhere all the time.
Step 14. If you feel your life is in danger, consider several alternatives for your personal protection
- For many people, a non-fatal choice is the best. Residual emotional ties to the abuser can make pepper spray and stun devices a good choice. However, these require contact to be effective and, in the event that the abuser uses drugs, they can be useless.
- If you believe your life is in danger, consider buying a self-defense gun. If you do, get professional training. In the United States, if you plan to take your firearm out of the house, make sure you get the necessary permits and licenses. Possession of weapons for civilians is illegal in some countries, make sure you know the local laws and comply with them.
Advice
- Set aside a secret stash of cash in the bank. Make sure your abuser doesn't know.
- Avoid hiding in the woods; running in the woods makes you extremely vulnerable to anyone and anything that might live there. "If you are under 16, going to the police is the best idea, but make sure you bring evidence of the violence you have suffered."
- Avoid using credit cards at all costs.
- Make sure running away is really what you want and need to do. If you end up changing your mind after a few days and returning home, you will find yourself in an extremely uncomfortable situation.
- There are shelters for women, men or children who suffer from domestic abuse. These shelters provide a place to stay temporarily and the resources to continue independently. In Canada, try www.shelternet.ca or google to find one in your area. These shelters often have translators, can refer you to subsidized housing if needed, and will help you learn about your rights.
- Find out if there is a government website dedicated to people suffering from domestic violence.
- Call the helpline or other domestic violence helpline and ask for advice before deciding what to do.
- Connect with family and old friends, even if you haven't talked to them in years. Most often, an abusive relationship is maintained by forcing a distance with loved ones. Explaining the situation can form new bonds and motivate a new relationship.
- Keep your cell phone camera ready and, if your abuser calls, take a picture of the incoming calls. If you can do this without putting yourself in danger, take a photo of the abuser near you before calling the police.
Warnings
- Depending on the country you live in, you may not receive custody of your children. Under English law, for example, if the parents are unmarried, the mother receives sole custody. If you don't have custody or if you have shared custody, taking the children away is tantamount to kidnapping. This does not mean that you are trapped. There are legal loopholes. Call the friendly phone for advice.
- Have you ever noticed that on television usually the protagonists of films run away without being prepared? Don't make that mistake. Think carefully before you leave home.
- If you are completely dependent on your abuser and receive medical insurance through him / her, use your insurance to see a doctor, get prescription medications, etc. will reveal your location. Before leaving, do your best to stock up on medications which interruption would lead to serious medical complications. In some cases, doctors are willing to give a prescription that lasts longer than a month, as long as you explain the situation to them and you are not a minor. If this is not possible, ask a friend to go get the medicines for you and send them to you.
- Use judgment! Don't run away if the situation doesn't justify it.
- Make sure you have somewhere to go before you escape. Living on the street can be a terrifying experience. You may end up using alcohol or illegal drugs just to make it through the day; you may end up stealing; you may get AIDS from unprotected sex; you will put yourself in danger. There is also the possibility that you will be caught by your abuser.
- If you call the police, don't be surprised if they question your situation. Many abusers are careful enough not to leave bruises and the police want to see physical evidence of abuse on the victims. If the police do not help you, try to get help from a trusted family member or friend.
- This article does not fully explain the impact that your abuser having intimate knowledge of your personal information will have. Using your social security number, your name, your date of birth, the address of your official residence (the place you fled from) etc., you could easily get your bank statement. Using this information, an abuser will be able to see the location of all your bank accounts. As I said before, change your identification number and name before opening a new bank account and request that all checks be approved directly by you.
