If you have been the victim of an abusive man in the past, you should be very cautious in choosing your new partner to avoid falling back into the same pattern of behavior; but even if you have not lived the experience of an abusive relationship, to protect yourself you should learn to recognize the characteristics of men who could turn out to be violent over time.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Know the Personality
Step 1. Don't trust men who look perfect
Obviously not everyone who looks perfect is violent, but some violent men take great care of their external image to increase their popularity and aspire to surround themselves with many friends. They may be so careful about building a flawless facade that they don't care about maintaining a healthy relationship.
This attitude is also associated with the tendency of violent men to take control. They pay a lot of attention to the care of their image and in the same way they want to exercise their control over the lives of others
Step 2. Pay attention to the signs of a codependent relationship or the demand for a stronger bond
Violent men tend to bond with their partner very quickly. This aspect depends on the extreme behaviors that are very common in violent men. A man is potentially dangerous if:
- It pushes you to dedicate yourself exclusively to him or to move in together very quickly.
- He claims that there was love at first sight between you or that he can't do without you.
- He makes you feel guilty because you don't feel ready for a stable relationship unlike him.
Step 3. Check her degree of jealousy and insecurity
Does he react irrationally when you spend your time with other people? Doesn't he like your friends for no apparent reason? Does he accuse you of treason? These could be signs of his excessive jealousy. An even more alarming sign of his pathological jealousy is to distort or manipulate the way he displays it, for example:
- By saying that his jealousy is nothing more than a manifestation of his deep love.
- Masking his jealousy as concern.
- Stating that he is curious about how you spent the day and who you talked to, while in reality he wants to control your every move and your social relationships.
- By telling you that he doesn't like you spending your time with other people, because he misses you.
- Pretending to drop by to visit you or surprise you with a gift, while actually wanting to see what you are doing.
Step 4. Talk about your feelings with your potential partner
Many violent men are unable to express their emotions. Before starting a serious relationship with someone, you should tackle a lot of topics to evaluate their character and understand if they can openly discuss aspects that involve the emotional sphere. This would also serve to show that he is willing to feel vulnerable - something that many violent men do not willingly accept.
Step 5. Do not tolerate violence or signs of violence
If a potential partner is aggressive towards you, other people, or even inanimate objects, you should probably avoid engaging in a relationship with him. For example, if he loses his temper and punches a table or the wall, it is possible for him to become violent in the future.
Another potential warning sign of a dangerous man is the use of force or control, even in a supposedly funny way, when having sex
Step 6. Pay attention to any experience of abuse
Violent people in relationships are often violent in other contexts as well. Try to trace episodes of violence in previous relationships or against family members or even animals. Most men who have been violent in the past will continue to be violent in the future.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has a history of abuse, encourage them to participate in an aggression management intervention program
Method 2 of 3: Evaluate Your Relationship
Step 1. Ask yourself if your relationship is healthy and loving
It probably may not be fully established if you are still in the early stage, but you should be able to figure out if there is the right foundation for a healthy relationship. The fundamental prerequisites for a healthy relationship are affection, mutual trust and dialogue. A relationship can be considered sincere when both partners are able to:
- Share your thoughts and feelings openly.
- Feeling confident and happy with yourself.
- Admit you were wrong.
- Share the things they admire about their partner.
- Engage in various activities: intimacy, play, serious conversations, new experiences, etc.
Step 2. Ask your partner what he thinks about roles in a relationship
You could specifically ask him a few questions about his views on an equal relationship. Some violent men have a purely "traditional" conception of gender roles. However, remember that many people preach well but scratch badly.
Violent men are always convinced that women are inferior to men. If your potential partner expresses their ideas about the superiority of men, he is probably not the right man, even if he does not prove violent. You should choose someone who respects you
Step 3. Notice if your partner tries to isolate you from others
A warning sign of an abusive or manipulative relationship is trying to keep yourself away from other people. If it seems to you that it is trying to stop you from spending some of your time with your family and friends, give up immediately. This is a trend destined to evolve into a protracted escalation and lead to an abusive relationship until the moment you feel so isolated that you don't know who to turn to when you decide to end the relationship.
Step 4. Ask others what your partner says about you when you are not present
Even if there were problems in the relationship, those in a healthy and sincere relationship would speak well of their partner with others. If your partner talks badly about you, insults you, or blames you for your problems when you are not around, they are probably taking the path of violence. While it can be difficult to know what someone else says about you in your absence, if you feel that something is wrong, you could always ask others.
Method 3 of 3: Recognize the Dynamics of Victimization
Step 1. Notice if you are afraid of your partner
It is not normal to fear your partner or their short temper. If you are just starting a relationship and you are afraid of your partner, you should immediately let it go. The more an abusive relationship goes on, the more violence increases. The victim, despite the worst situation, usually has greater difficulty in ending the relationship.
Step 2. Ask yourself if you feel guilty
Do you feel guilt most of the time? Do you think you are somehow disappointing your new partner or not being up to the challenge? Sometimes the sense of guilt depends entirely on the judgment we make of ourselves, but violent men are very good at manipulating their victims to make them feel guilty. This is one of the tools they use to keep them tied to them.
- If your guilt is completely up to you, you should see a therapist to find the cause of your discomfort.
- If your partner is manipulating you or making you feel guilty, they are probably subtly controlling your thoughts and actions.
Step 3. Ask yourself if you spend your time as you wish
Some victims of violence feel they need to ask their partner's permission before doing anything. If you find yourself only doing what your partner wants or asking him if it is okay for him to do something, you are probably becoming a victim of him.
Note that asking permission to do something doesn't mean talking about how you spend your time. You can talk and make mutual decisions about what to do without losing control of your life
Step 4. Don't neglect your old friends and hobbies
It's easy to be overwhelmed by a new relationship, but if you find that you've changed since entering the relationship, take a step back. You should be able to have a romantic relationship without walking away from your friends and without neglecting what you enjoyed doing before meeting your new partner.
Advice
- Don't hide the abuse you suffer! Talk to someone you love, trust, and know well.
- A violent man may accuse you of not loving him enough. Don't be fooled, as this is simply a tactic to make you feel guilty and force you to stay with him.
- If you tell him that you are unwilling to tolerate his behavior and he apologizes, but accuses you immediately afterwards, then he is not being sincere. The time has come to move on.
- If a man hits you, walk away. This could be part of a pattern of violence, which will repeat itself indefinitely, until you give up or kill you. Cut the bridges.
- If you decide to leave him, you must do so immediately and break all ties and forms of communication with him. This is the only valid way to move forward. He has to respect your decision and let you go if you want to.
- Keep a copy of your keys and important documents in a place where only you can find them, so that if you leave quickly, you won't be stuck in the house and may have access to your car, passport, etc.
- Find a safe haven where he can't find you. Try to secure a place that is neutral and cannot be accessed easily.
- If you recognize that you are the abusive person, speak to someone immediately to get timely help.
- When you decide to let your partner know that your relationship is over, do it in a place where other people can see you, even if they don't necessarily hear you. The last thing you want is to suffer violence just by trying to end an abusive relationship, and it is less likely that it will attack you in a public place.
Warnings
- Some violent men can act very well. Never underestimate this aspect, especially if you are considering leaving your partner and apparently they undergo a sudden personality change, assuming unexpected positive attitudes, for example showering you with gifts, repeatedly telling you how sorry they are, insisting that they will never treat you. more alike, etc.
- Try to talk to someone about your situation so they can help you.
- Don't Become a Victim: Get away from a dangerous situation by any means possible.
