No divorce is pleasant, and it rarely happens in the amicable way one would hope. There are many different types of loss at the end of a relationship, such as loss of home, security, financial stability, comfort, intimacy, etc., just to mention a few. However, there are strategies couples who are going through a divorce can learn to make the end of the relationship as peaceful and non-stressful as possible. By finding effective strategies for coping with loss and grief, both partners can embark on a fruitful path to ease the process and end it with positive results.
Steps
Step 1. Address the emotional aspects of the breakup first
Divorce is a time of great pain and enormous change. You did everything you could to save the marriage, only to achieve its final end. If you find it difficult to get used to change and the sense of emotional emptiness, it is vital that you seek advice from a neutral party, as it will help you cope with the loss of trust, respect and affection that was in the relationship. Learning strategies to overcome this will help you survive the pain and loss. Emotional problems you may experience include the following:
- It can be very traumatic to accept that you have been rejected or replaced. This leaves you feeling rejected and affects your self-esteem, especially if you are the partner who was left behind.
- Feelings of anger and resentment must subside to allow you to take your life back into your own hands.
- Looking ahead, the sense of emptiness may overwhelm you. Of course, worries about being able to share your life again with someone else are pressing, but they could cloud your resilience.
- Feeling hurt, sometimes very deeply and not wanting to share your emotions with anyone else. Your sense of trust may have been destroyed.
Step 2. Try to see the positive aspects of dealing with lawyers and judges
Although this part of the divorce can be stressful, once it is undertaken it will bring tangible benefits to the divorce process. Partners are now legally released from their duty to be responsible for someone else. Furthermore, the picture of certainty that emerges from the legal process can settle the confusion that emotional bonds create. As part of addressing the legal aspects of divorce, the following considerations may help you ensure a more peaceful unfolding:
- Know your legal rights. It is important to know your rights and know how to enforce them in relation to the management of property, maintenance and custody. Knowledge can help keep you calmer and more prepared for what's happening.
- Find a lawyer that you are comfortable with. Don't rely on the first one you find if it doesn't seem right. Sometimes the strain of divorce may be heightened by irritation at your lawyer's quirks, so make sure you get along well with this person before you agree to rely on them. The more the attorney's attitude will be aggressive and devoted to getting everything, the less friendly the proceedings will be: keep this in mind before choosing one.
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Consider getting a divorce without recourse to lawyers. Be aware that one of the wrong ends of the divorce lawyer can be to slowly and quietly suck you into a real war. Divorces are a fairly standard process; If you google the words "divorce for", you will get "divorce for inexperienced" as the first result.
Unfortunately, if you have children, divorce may be too complicated to take a "do-it-yourself" approach. Good divorce lawyers have no interest in dragging you into a war. In the long run, they will earn more by ensuring you a fast, quality service that leaves you satisfied and encourages you to recommend it to your friends, family and even complete strangers. When inquiring about how a divorce works, remember that books like "Divorce for the Inexperienced" are written for the domestic market. They are not specific to a single state. If you and your wife / husband are able to reach an agreement on every aspect of the divorce, you can create your own report using one of the examples available on the internet, but you should still pay at least one lawyer hour to correct it together. This could save you time by eliminating small mistakes that could cause the judge to refuse to sign your sentence. If you have children the situation is much more complicated, as there are numerous additional demands that the state could make and a lawyer can ensure that these are properly fulfilled. Paying a lawyer for an hour of proofreading your record makes more sense than going through two in a trial that will end with the judge telling you that there is a flaw in your decree and that he cannot tell you which one, as that would mean giving you legal advice, which he cannot do
Step 3. Avoid harshness when dividing assets
This creates even more unhappiness if each partner feels plundered, and leads to discussions about deciding who gets what. Most couples argue about this. Couples should ideally focus on creating a new life, a new environment devoid of memories of the finished marriage. This attitude will help them not to fight for objects that could awaken memories of the marriage, and pain.
- Keep an eye on all facts and events to help your lawyer build a solid financial case and convince your partner without arguments, and with the right preconditions. Use receipts, documents, and other reliable sources of information to fulfill your wishes. This could include drawing up a complete financial history of your marriage that reflects your resources, the appraised value of the shared property, individual assets and debts. While this attitude may seem calculating, it is nothing more than being objective, and facts are the best way to keep emotions at bay.
- Give your partner the choice of what to keep out of what's in the house. You might be very surprised how few arguments arise in dividing the assets contained in a home, when you leave the choice. For many couples, it is clear that there has always been a division of "his and mine" in the home, and it is only when an argument arises that these obvious divisions are used as a weapon to hurt. Take away the opportunity for a fight by simply offering the other the chance to take what he wants. His own sense of responsibility and guilt will do the job for you!
- Flip a coin for half-paid items. In the end it will be a liberation. Otherwise, are the items you own really worth a lot of heartache?
Step 4. Decide how family life should be organized when children are involved
"Who has custody", "How the access rights of the parent who does not have custody should be managed", "How can the responsibilities of parents be divided into two distinct parts": these are important issues that need to be resolved. It is not healthy for children when parents use them as weapons against each other. Children have no protection from the conflicts and bitterness that anger causes in angry parents. Put children first and avoid creating situations in which they may feel emotionally trapped by their loyalty to both parents.
- Beware of transferring the psychological violence resulting from an oppressive parent to your child. Don't do it yourself and don't let your partner do it. Symptoms include phrases like, "You would choose to live with me if you loved me." This is a classic case of manipulation and, when aimed at children, it is unpleasant and places the child in a stranglehold from which he cannot free himself, whatever he does or chooses.
- Use a counselor or mediator to assist you in setting up your custody organization if you feel unable to do it on your own. If the conditions of custody have to be approved by a judge, or in any case you are facing the judge, if he sees that the parents are already working hard, he will be impressed by the cooperation between them and the consideration given to the child before any other. What.
- Be prepared to experiment with different systems before you can settle on one that works well for both of you. You certainly can't know which one will give the best results until you've given each of them a chance. Also take children's impressions into account.
- For a transition that is as peaceful as possible, both of you should be prepared to share major decisions regarding the well-being of children and to continue interacting with each other regarding their lives.
Step 5. Relate appropriately to the adjustments in your circle of acquaintances
In most cases, divorcing couples have to leave one community of friends and colleagues to join another. Mutual friends from the pre-marriage period often have to choose which "side" to be on. Cope with losses in a mature way, knowing that some of these friendships, such as marriage, no longer have a reason to exist. This can be a great loss for many people, who valued these relationships and the sense of belonging they shared. However, looking realistically at these relationships could sweeten the path.
- Avoid expecting your friends to take sides. If you don't speak ill of your ex-spouse, they have fewer elements to do it themselves. If you reassure them that the divorce took place amicably and that you two are still friends, this could sometimes ease the tension with friends (assuming what you say is true). Likewise, don't talk about your spouse at all - this breaks the bond for both "and" your friends and allows everyone to move on.
- For more ideas on how your friends might view the situation, read "How to be a good friend to both divorced spouses."
Step 6. Learn how to recover your sense of "yourself" as an individual
This part is about seeing yourself as an independent individual again instead of being part of a couple's intimacy. The intense reactions of rejection, anger, compromise and resentment must be replaced with acceptance.
- Give yourself time. Initially you are likely to feel mutilated, vulnerable, broken, lacking in self-esteem and in many other ways - it depends on your gender, whether you are the person who wanted the divorce or not and what happened during the divorce. For some, an absolute sense of relief may arise! Regardless of what your feelings are, getting familiar with your new life takes time and the creation of new routines and habits.
- To keep your inner peace, avoid blaming yourself. Relationships require the presence of two people and the involvement of both. If you blame yourself for what happened, you will feel guilty, angry and dejected. Guilt is a useless emotion and, when linked to the end of a marriage, it only hurts you. Accept that the marriage is over and that there are new things in your life to do now, including finding a new purpose to pursue.
- Practice Yoga, meditation or a martial art to give yourself the opportunity to find your own inner center and a source of stress relief.
Step 7. Distance yourself from all aspects of the relationship that has ended
Overcome it to rediscover your own individuality. The passage in which a person begins to feel unity again is called "central separation". At this stage, you need to have specific rules in mind regarding any other interactions with your spouse, in order to maintain peace of mind. Some of these rules might include (it's up to you):
- Treat future relationships professionally and as if it were business. Do you still need to talk to each other for the sake of your children? Act as if you are at a business meeting, for work, as if the welfare of the children is the matter in question.
- End any conversation with your spouse that turns into a verbal confrontation or in which you are continually interrupted. Explain that you will only talk to each other again when you have calmed down. Make it clear in future meetings that if your spouse interrupts you or loses his temper, you will also end that meeting.
- Never use children to convey information to your spouse. For this use email or post. Avoid texting; they are too personal, too intimate and involve too strong a connection.
- Depersonalize all your communications. Make your arguments simple (it might help to write some talking points first) and keep everything neutral.
- Cut the ties. Don't ask your spouse for advice, help, opinions, or anything else unless you have to, in the workplace. Look for new places to seek advice, such as your accountant, doctor, lawyer, housekeeper, or anyone else in your spouse's profession or in the same workplace.
- If you need more money for the children, ask your spouse as a business proposal and don't pray, cry, try to manipulate or act like a victim.
Advice
- Sometimes advice from friends and professionals can help, but sometimes it can make things worse. Make sure you always continue to use your judgment skills as to what could lead to the friendliest and most peaceful conclusion.
- Remember to communicate by speaking, as words are better than violence.
- Find a caring, supportive, and cooperative lawyer. On the other hand, also realize that your attorney may not make the same impression on your spouse and the same may apply to you in relation to his or her lawyer. Lawyers are available to their clients, not the other way around: the latter is how antagonistic systems work. If the matter turns into a real nuisance, you may need to take your prospective ex-spouse aside and discuss the attorney's methods together, then report each to their lawyer, asking them to tone down their line. attack. This could release tension for both of you.
Warnings
- If communication begins to stall during a divorce, it could happen that you switch from wanting to be reasonable and friendly to being utterly mean and stubborn. It is easy to get sucked into this negative spiral as a result of your unpleasant emotions. However, do your best to abandon the hateful ways. It may also help to hire a broker, especially regarding the division of finances and property. This neutral figure will be able to remove most of the emotions, exhaustion and anger and will be able to move between you without taking anyone's side.
- If you experience suicidal tendencies during the divorce, seek help immediately. It's a bad time, but it's never worth ending it.
