If your mother-in-law makes your life hell, hurting you both physically and emotionally, your marriage could also be affected. Here are some tips for handling the situation so you can protect yourself, your family, and your future from its influence.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Avoid Conflict Escalation
Step 1. Detach yourself emotionally
Think of her as an in-laws, not another mother, unless you are in a loving, friendly, and peaceful relationship. Don't call her "mom" because she isn't. Remember that you are on an equal footing. Call her by name, unless it is considered rude by the local culture. In this case, stick to the customs and, if in doubt, ask your partner for advice to approach your mother-in-law in a respectful way.
Step 2. Find out what the underlying problems are in your relationship
There can be many reasons for a mother-in-law to be resentful of her daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Perhaps she feels neglected by her child, or she still considers him a child and finds it difficult to step aside, accepting that she shares life with another person. Or you are simply two very different people. Try to understand the reason for his behavior rather than immediately take it personally; in this way, it will certainly be easier to deal with the situation and, perhaps, solve the problem.
Step 3. Take your distance
You don't necessarily have to move to the other side of the world, but you don't have to attend all events either. Your spouse can attend family reunions without you, but don't make it a habit. Don't make a difference between your partner and their family. Your mother-in-law might consider it a victory - she would spend more time with her son completely avoiding you. While it seems like the simplest solution, it could ultimately affect your marriage.
Step 4. It is very unlikely that your attitude will change over time
If your mother-in-law always criticizes you, stabs you in the back in front of other family members, and treats you with contempt, she may even have a habit of judging your marriage. If so, keep your distance from her even when she seems nice. Reach out to other women for teaching, advice, a kind word, and a role model. Eventually, you won't be able to include it as a positive element in your life.
Step 5. Recognize and avoid triggers
Before meeting your mother-in-law, try to visualize what attitudes are bothering you. What does he say or do to annoy you? Once you have been able to identify the details that trigger a reaction in you (usually emotional, even if they manifest in different ways), think about how you could avoid getting involved.
Step 6. Stay cool and keep calm
If you can't avoid the conflict in any way, respond frankly. Don't be rude, but express yourself firmly without sweetening the pill. Remember that this person hasn't shown the slightest regard for your feelings, despite your best efforts to avoid direct confrontation. Don't let the fear of hurting other people's feelings inhibit you, but respond appropriately because your mother-in-law had no qualms about it.
Step 7. Don't let yourself be manipulated through guilt
Don't let your mother-in-law use it as a weapon, it's pretty easy to prevent that from happening. As soon as you notice her intent, make it clear by asking her "You aren't trying to make me feel guilty, are you?" He will likely deny the evidence, but sooner or later he will try again to manipulate your emotions in this way. Always avoid being rude, but don't be fooled and be firm.
If you do not give in to guilt, you will be able to have a more objective and compassionate perspective, realizing that his attitude is probably dictated by a sense of helplessness. By using this weakness to your advantage, you would have the ability to transform your relationship forever. For example, you say something that flatters her in front of everyone, like "We always dedicate Friday to dinner with the in-laws, we need to spend some time with the family!". You will give her importance in front of others so that she feels needed and appreciated
Step 8. Think about your spouse and children:
don't do or say anything that will ruin your relationship.
Do you have to try to break the tension? Maybe you have to bite your tongue? Sometimes it is necessary to swallow a bitter bite and act accordingly for someone else's sake.
Method 2 of 3: Set Limits
Step 1. Define limits to respect
You should set limits to manage the relationship with your spouse and mother-in-law. If they are overrun and the mother-in-law pretends not to notice, while your partner doesn't have the courage to face the situation and support you, then you will be forced to take a stand to restore balance. Set the record straight by setting boundaries not to overstep, so you'll be able to handle even the most embarrassing situations.
- For example, if you care a lot about your privacy, but relatives continue to visit you without warning, it might be worth setting some rules. There is nothing wrong with meeting your needs. Relationships that embarrass you are abnormal and unsatisfying.
- If your mother comes to your house without telling her just as you and your husband are about to leave, you can say, "Nice to see you! Too bad you didn't warn me, but we're going out to dinner. If I knew you'd come to see us, I would have organized a dinner here at home. " This way, you will let her know that next time she will have to call you.
Step 2. Clearly state what limits are not to be crossed
If you don't say anything, the mother-in-law won't change her attitude. Decide with your spouse how to handle the matter, otherwise he or she may support his parents and make the situation worse. Find a deal together, but if it doesn't work out, set the record straight with the mother-in-law.
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If you've allowed your mother-in-law to treat you like a child for years, without clearly enforcing your rights by exposing your disappointment like a real adult, chances are she won't take you seriously at first. Maybe he'll have an emotional (probably fake) reaction when you try to set boundaries. Let it vent, but don't give in.
Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law Step 11 Step 3. Enforce your decisions
Show some understanding, too, but stick to your position. After all, chances are you allowed her to behave as she liked without respecting your spaces, which makes you partly responsible. However, if he doesn't react to kindly requests, he applies an unscrupulous policy.
- Let her know that you will set extremely strict limits for the next 10 days (up to 30 days if she doesn't get the message the first time). Make it clear that if you fail to comply with the rules within this time frame, you will cut communications for 10 days. Your partner will tell you when they shouldn't contact you and for how long; he will have to avoid visits, phone calls and e-mails unless there is an emergency. After these 10 days of "blackout", you can start all over again, with another trial period.
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Let her know that you and your partner are both intent on taking this project forward. It would be better if your partner explained it to him. In any case, be extremely clear and let her know that she has left you no other choice. Remind her that she has ignored all past attempts to curb her intrusiveness.
Method 3 of 3: Let Your Partner Help You
Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law Step 12 Step 1. Share your feelings with your other half
He needs to know that your mother-in-law hurts you with her attitude. You have every right to tell him, but he is still his mother so avoid harshly criticizing or minimizing her. You might say, "Honey, maybe your mother didn't mean to mortify me, yet it happened. If she continues to do so in the future, I would appreciate it if you stood up for me."
Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law Step 13 Step 2. Get your partner's support
Does your other half support you? Her support is essential for solving problems with the mother-in-law. Sometimes, you will have to point out that there is a problem, because he will want to avoid upsetting his mother. Be clear and agree on how to handle the situation so that you are both satisfied. You have a responsibility to prioritize your marriage and overshadow your respective families to save your relationship. If your partner doesn't come forward to defend you from his mother, then you have a big problem that could ruin your marriage.
Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law Step 14 Step 3. Make it clear to your partner that they need to take a stand to manage their family
If he has no intention of putting a stop to his family, you will never resolve the matter. Your mother-in-law has already proven that she does not respect you and has not accepted you. Whatever you do will not change the situation. Unless your partner takes action, setting very specific limits that his mother should not cross and putting into practice the measures previously established, you will have to accept the fact that you will never solve the problem. Your marriage may be affected; if so, talk to your partner so you can fix it before it's too late.
Advice
- You married the one you love, not his mother. Obviously, sometimes it is necessary to compromise and be accommodating, but neither of you should change because of a foolish, passive-aggressive and bossy mother-in-law.
- You have the right to a peaceful life. Your mother-in-law deserves respect, but if her behavior is terrible, she is not entitled to any privileges. Some take their power for granted, as if suddenly becoming influential matriarchs. If he doesn't deserve your respect, you have every right to protect yourself and your marriage by setting clear boundaries.
- If you suspect he is pretending to be sick to get attention, expose his bluff. For example, say "I am worried, you are dizzy too often, we will call a doctor right away to arrange a visit".
- In some cases, it may be helpful to sit down and speak candidly with the mother-in-law to clarify the situation. Pick the right time. Prepare a speech. Ask for support from your partner and think about what you will say before starting the chat. If it makes your life hell, what have you got to lose?
- Not all misbehaving mothers-in-law are malicious, some are just plain silly.
- If possible, try to be friendly and kind to him. After all, a drop of honey takes more flies than a liter of gall.
- Mothers-in-law get excited about the prospect of a grandchild and can sometimes overdo it without realizing it. Try to be kind and understanding; she is probably just excited about the baby's arrival and wants to be involved in believing that she is useful.
- If you can cultivate a good relationship with your mother-in-law, she can be a great ally and will benefit both your personal life and marriage. To do this, you have to work hard, but the key is dialogue. Let her know what your needs are; for example, if you need more independence or more time alone. You need to resort to other measures only in case the mother-in-law ignores you completely even after you have made it clear.
Warnings
- The mothers-in-law sometimes lurk to surprise you alone when everyone else leaves, including their spouse, whose support they usually want. Don't be alone with her; get up immediately and go to the bathroom, take a walk or whatever else to get away.
- If your partner doesn't give you their support, it's an important sign for both your marriage and your relationship with your mother-in-law. At this point, you need to think thoroughly if you really want to stay in this marriage.
- When the mother-in-law attacks you verbally, your partner has to defend you; he might make a phone call to say "I heard you saying those things. I don't think it was nice of you and you mortified my husband / wife. Don't ever do that again."
- If these tips don't work, move to another city. Many people swear that this solution saved their marriages.
If you have a child, you better take it with you when you leave. If you don't trust her, you can't leave the baby in her company. Don't allow her to tell your child things that could damage your relationship
