Shame is one of the most destructive and debilitating emotions that the human being can feel and occurs when the person feels bad about himself if he does not meet the standards he had set himself, as well as those imposed by society. The feeling of shame can lead people to self-destructive and risky behaviors, such as alcohol and drug abuse, and can cause long-term physical and emotional problems, which include physical pain, depression, low self-esteem and anxiety. However, you can completely avoid this drift by making a coordinated effort to get rid of shame and instead aim to value yourself and the contributions you make to the world. Always keep in mind that you are so much more than what you can simply have done, said or felt.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Overcoming Shame
Step 1. Stop seeking perfection
Striving for perfection in every aspect of our life is an unrealistic expectation that leads us to feel less self-esteem and even feel ashamed when we don't feel up to it. The idea of perfection is a social construction produced by the mass media and society according to which we can be perfect if we look, move and think in a certain way, but it is not reality.
- Thanks to society and the mass media, we all have an idea of what we "should" do and who we "should" be. It is important to overcome these thoughts and rather try to avoid considering the word "we should". Statements with a verb in the conditional suggest that you should do or think about a certain thing and that, if not, something is wrong with you.
- Aspiring to high standards that are impossible to achieve will only create a vicious cycle of shame and low self-esteem.
Step 2. Avoid tormenting yourself
Worrying about negative feelings can lead to completely inappropriate levels of shame and self-loathing. In fact, some studies show that tormenting with feelings of shame can lead to depression, social anxiety and even an increase in blood pressure.
- In general, people tend to be more tormented by situations that took place in a social context, such as a presentation or performance in public, rather than a private experience, such as an argument with their partner. This is due, in part, to the fact that we deeply care about the opinion that others have of ourselves and that we are concerned about humiliating ourselves or being ashamed in front of other people. It is precisely this that makes us mull over and blocks us in negative thoughts that make us feel ashamed of ourselves.
- However, remember that although it is easy to fall into this vicious circle, ruminating does not help to solve the problem or improve the situation, on the contrary it only makes everything worse.
Step 3. Be compassionate to yourself
If you fear mulling over some thoughts, fuel self-compassion and kindness towards yourself. Be your own friend. Instead of scolding yourself and engaging in negative self-talk, with thoughts like "I am stupid and useless," treat yourself as you would treat a friend or loved one. It takes careful observance of your behavior and the ability to step back and recognize the fact that you would never let a friend engage in these kinds of self-destructive thoughts. Some studies suggest that self-compassion brings numerous benefits, including mental well-being, increases life satisfaction, and decreases self-criticism, among other things.
- Try writing a journal. When you feel the urge to ruminate, think about writing something that is compassionate towards you, that expresses understanding for your feelings, but also recognizes that you are just a human being and that you deserve love and support. It takes just 10 minutes of this display of self-compassion to make a positive difference.
- Develop a mantra or habit to fall back on when you feel like you are entering that usual vicious circle. Try putting a hand on your heart and saying, "Be safe and kind to yourself. Feel comfortable with your heart and mind." This way you will express real attention and care towards you.
Step 4. Avoid focusing solely on the past
Shame paralyzes many people in the present: it makes them anxious, fearful, depressed, and arouses feelings of low self-esteem. However, it is important to leave the past behind; you cannot change or cancel what has been, but you can choose how the past will influence your present and future attitude. Let go of the shame as you push yourself forward towards a better life.
- Changes and transformations are always possible. Here is one of the fantastic aspects of the human condition: we must not feel indebted to the past for our entire existence.
- Remember that life is a long-lasting experience and a difficult time can always be overcome.
Step 5. Be flexible
Avoid reacting to experiences with extremist, all-or-nothing-style thoughts or judgments. This way of thinking only creates tension between the expectations we have of us and what is really possible: so many experiences in life are not black or white, but rather gray. Remember that there are no real "rules" for living and that people think and behave differently, thus experiencing their own variation of the "rule".
Be more open, generous and flexible towards the world and try to refrain from making judgments about others. Keeping a more open minded about how we see society and the people in it very often affects what we think of ourselves. Over time, you may feel willing to overcome some of those rigid judgments that result in feelings of low self-esteem and shame
Step 6. Free yourself from the influences of others
If negative thoughts echo in your head, maybe there are people around you who are feeding those same negative messages about you, even close friends or family. To get rid of the shame and move on, you need to minimize "toxic" individuals who prefer to put you down rather than help you.
Imagine that each negative statement of the other weighs 5 kg. Each of them weighs you down and makes it harder and harder to get back up. Get rid of that burden and remember that people can't classify the kind of person you are - only you can
Step 7. Cultivate the concept of "mindfulness", or awareness of your thoughts
Research has shown that mindfulness-based therapy can facilitate self-acceptance and reduce shame. It is a technique that invites you to learn to observe your emotions without amplifying them: in other words, you open yourself to the experience in a non-reactive way, instead of trying to avoid it.
- The principle of awareness is that you have to acknowledge and feel shame before you get rid of it. It is not an easy path, because it means listening to those negative inner speeches that often accompany shame, such as self-condemnation, comparison with others, etc. Nonetheless, the goal is to recognize and admit shame without being overwhelmed by it or without empowering the emotions that arise.
- Look for a quiet space to practice mindfulness. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing. Count the inhalations and exhalations: your mind will inevitably begin to wander. When that happens, don't blame yourself, but determine how you feel. Don't judge, just acknowledge. So try to bring your attention back to your breathing: this is the real work of awareness.
- By acknowledging but decentralizing your thoughts without letting them take over, you are learning to manage negative feelings without trying to change them. In other words, you are changing the relationship you have with your thoughts and feelings. In doing so, some people have noticed that sooner or later the content of your thoughts and emotions also changes, usually for the better.
Step 8. Choose acceptance
Accept the things you can't change about yourself - you are who you are, and that's okay. Studies have shown that accepting yourself can help you get out of a vicious cycle of shame and move towards more functional lifestyles.
- You will have to accept that you cannot change the past or go back in time. You have to accept yourself for who you are today, now.
- Accepting oneself also implies the ability to recognize difficulties and demonstrate that one is able to resist the painful feelings of the moment. For example, try saying to yourself, "I know I'm sick now, but I can accept it because I know emotions come and go, and I can take action to fix what I'm feeling."
Part 2 of 2: Building Self-Esteem
Step 1. Focus on the positives
Instead of spending your time feeling ashamed for not feeling up to your own standards or those of others, focus your attention on all your accomplishments and accomplishments. You will find that you have a lot to be proud of and that you are able to offer real added value to the world and to yourself.
- Consider writing about your successes, positive qualities, and things you like about yourself, as well as the ways you've helped others. You can write freely or create a list with different categories - this is an endless exercise, where you can always add new things like reaching maturity at school, saving a puppy or a prize won. You also turn your attention to what makes you feel good about yourself: do you like your smile, or do you like being goal-oriented? Write it down!
- Pick up the list again whenever you have doubts or do not feel up to the situation. Remembering all the things you have done and continue to do will help you create a more positive self-image.
Step 2. Reach out to others to help
Important studies indicate that people who help others or who volunteer have higher self-esteem than those who don't. It might seem counterintuitive that helping others can make you feel better about yourself, but science suggests that connecting with others increases the positive feelings we have about ourselves as well.
- Helping others makes us happier! Plus, you can make a real difference in someone else's world - so not only will you be happier, but another person can be too!
- There are tons of opportunities to engage with others and make a difference. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Offer to coach a children's sports team during the summer, help out a friend in need and make him some ready-to-frozen meals, or volunteer at a nearby animal shelter.
Step 3. Make affirmations every day
An affirmation is a positive phrase that is meant to build trust and encourage you. Making affirmations every day helps to rebuild our sense of self-worth as well as increase the compassion we have towards ourselves. After all, you would probably never treat a friend the way you treat yourself, but rather show compassion if he expresses feelings of guilt or shame. Do the same thing with yourself. Be polite and take time each day to repeat, write, or think affirmations aloud. Here are some examples:
- "I'm a good person. I deserve the best even though I've done some questionable things in the past."
- "I make mistakes and learn from them."
- "I have a lot to offer to the world. They are an added value for myself and for others."
Step 4. Determine the difference between opinions and facts
For many of us it can be difficult to distinguish these two concepts: facts are a real, unassailable condition, while an opinion is something we think, it could be based on reality, but it is not directly.
- For example, the phrase "I am 17" is a fact: you were born 17 years ago and you have a birth certificate that proves it. Nothing can question that fact. On the contrary, the phrase "I am stupid for my age" is an opinion, even if you can bring evidence to support this phrase, such as not being able to drive or not having a job. If you think more carefully about this opinion, then, you will realize that you can evaluate it more critically: maybe you don't know how to drive because your parents work too much and don't have the time to teach you, or you can't afford driving lessons. You may not have a job because you spend your free time after school looking after your siblings.
- Thinking more carefully about the opinions you hold will help you understand that negative opinions can often be reevaluated if you look at their details more closely.
Step 5. Appreciate your uniqueness
When you compare yourself to others, you cheat with yourself because you underestimate your individuality. Remind yourself that you are a unique person and have a lot to offer the world. Leave the shame behind and shine as it should be!
- Aim to emphasize your individuality and those precise things that make you who you are, rather than hiding behind a veil of social conformity. Do you like to combine bizarre dresses and models? Or are you a fan of Europop? Or are you really good at building objects with your hands? Accept these aspects of yourself and don't try to hide them! You might be surprised (and impressed!) At the kind of innovations that could develop if you pay due attention to your skills and thoughts. After all, Alan Turing, Steve Jobs, and Thomas Edison were individuals whose uniqueness enabled them to develop discoveries and make outstanding contributions to the world.
- Nowhere is it written that you MUST conform to others, that you have to be interested in the same pastimes, or that you have to follow the same path in life. Not everyone, for example, follows the same trends in fashion or music, nor does everyone settle down by the age of 30, get married and have children: these are just a few things that the media and society promote, but they are not a 'obviousness. Do what you think is best for you and what makes you feel good. Remember that the only person who must be comfortable with you is you: it is you, in fact, who must live with yourself, so follow your aspirations and not those of others.
Step 6. Surround yourself with people who support you in a positive way
Almost all humans benefit from social and emotional support from family, friends, co-workers or contacts on social networks. It is useful to talk and analyze with others our problems and issues to be solved, and it is surprising how social support actually makes us more able to deal with problems on our own, as it increases our self-esteem.
- Research has frequently shown a correlation between the perception of social support and self-esteem such that people, when they believe they have the support of those around them, see their self-esteem increase. So, if you feel supported by the people around you, you should also feel better about yourself and more able to cope with negative feelings and stress.
- Remember that when it comes to social support, there is no one-size-fits-all way of thinking. Some people prefer to reach out to only a few close friends, while others aim for a wider network and seek support even in their neighborhood or in their own religious or village community.
- Talk to people you trust and know that they will maintain some confidentiality. There is no need to turn to someone who could, in fact, make you feel worse than you are, even if their goal, perhaps, was just the opposite.
- Social support can also take on new forms in our modern age: if you are worried about talking to someone face to face, you can stay in touch with family and friends, or meet new people, through social media, video chats and e-mail.
Step 7. Consult a mental health professional
If you are having difficulty improving your self-esteem and / or feel that your feelings of shame are negatively affecting your daily mental and physical condition, you should make an appointment with a therapist, psychologist or other mental health professional.
- In many cases, a therapist can help you develop useful strategies to improve your self-image. Keep in mind that sometimes you just can't fix everything yourself; furthermore, the therapy has been shown to have an important effect on increasing self-esteem and quality of life.
- Plus, a therapist can help you cope with any other mental health issues you are facing as a cause or consequence of shame and low self-esteem, including anxiety and depression.
- Remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness or personal failure.
