Are you starting to feel like your husband only hears white noise when you speak? Or do you start to believe he doesn't take the things you tell him seriously? Either way you go unheard, which brings tension to your marriage. On the one hand you cannot understand why your husband does not listen to you, on the other hand he may believe he is paying attention to you when he is simply distracted by other things. Rather than scolding him or doing something too dramatic, there are always ways to make your husband not only listen to you, but truly understand what you have to say.
Steps
Step 1. Consider your approach
Think about what you need to say and how you say it.
- Whiny. You probably can't identify your tone as moaning, but most men tend to automatically exclude their wives' moaning tone from their attention. Take a step back and try to understand what your voice sounds like when you're trying to get his attention.
- Too forced. Are you yelling in your husband's face or are you verbally attacking him to make you listen?
- Too calm. The opposite of being too forced; women who speak too softly are sometimes not heard.
- Hesitating. Trying to get it out of the way, rather than getting straight to the point? For example: "I was talking to my friends about our nails, then we went to lunch and shopping, but then I agreed that I had to talk to you about …". By the time you get to the point, your man will already be distracted by the word "nails".
Step 2. Do you talk to your husband when he pays most attention?
Some people are more receptive in the morning as soon as they get up, others in the evening. Are you trying to get his attention at the wrong time? Of course, every person has different working hours and commitments, so there is no general rule, but you can find the right time to talk to him anyway.
- Determine when he wants to talk. Make a note of your day together and identify the moment when they seem to be listening to you the most.
- Consider external factors. Are you trying to talk to him during sports shows on TV, or when he's answering emails on his computer? Determine if you are trying to communicate with him in a moment of possible distraction.
Step 3. Do you know when you feel stressed?
Some men tend to accumulate their own stress within themselves, which makes it difficult for a wife to know if she is being ignored or if her husband is just plain stressed. If you can't tell when your man is going through a stressful moment, this can cause a problem: you may be trying to talk to him about something that is bothering you, while he is distracted by something else that ails him.
Step 4. Do you listen to your husband when he tries to talk to you?
In some cases, it can happen that both of you try to talk to each other, without realizing that neither of you is being heard. If he wants to express himself, but you're talking over him, he might think that since you don't listen to him then he shouldn't either.
- Do you give him your full attention when he wants to talk to you? Do you read or do other things while he needs to tell you something? Or do you underestimate what he says and minimize his feelings?
- Do you want to hear only certain topics? He might be excited about something, and he might want to tell you about it, but you might be bored or disinterested. Then he might avoid the topic and feel like you don't care.
Step 5. Put aside neutrality when you talk about your feelings
Keep in mind that when you want to talk about a problem, you don't have to put the blame on your man. Even if he's not a great listener, you need to take charge of the problem. Instead of saying "You make me angry when you don't listen to me", try saying "I feel like you don't listen to me, and I want to fix this."
- Discuss your feelings in a quiet and comfortable environment. You certainly don't want to make him uncomfortable or make him feel under interrogation. Make sure the lighting is subdued and the room is comfortable for your discussion.
- Start with your feelings. Tell him how much you love him and how lucky you are to have him in your life. Explain that you want strong intimacy with him, and that you feel like you want to strengthen your relationship more, because at the moment you are unable to communicate your thoughts, ideas and feelings to each other.
- Ask for his opinion. Your husband may be the best person to tell you how to get his attention. Instead of saying "Since you don't listen to me, tell me how to get your attention", try saying something like "I just want you to have all the information and ideas necessary to fortify our relationship."
Advice
- Maintain eye contact with your husband as you try to communicate with him.
- Remember that getting your man's attention back is a trial and error process - it may take several.
