Whether or not you think your sister-in-law is exalted depends on what being exalted means to you. But some of the signs that may indicate that your sister-in-law is not respecting your needs include sending outraged text messages, asking to participate in gossip-filled telephone conversations, and constantly wanting to stay updated on everything you do. Above all, he might try to put the spotlight on himself every time the family gets together. If you're having a hard time because of your sister-in-law and you want it to end, learn to handle her meddling, which very often comes from the way you react.
Steps
Method 1 of 5: Mitigate the melodrama
Step 1. Realize that you may be dealing with a melodramatic
The dynamics of a sister-in-law are complex especially if during most of her life she forced her family to serve and revere her. The melodramatic makes crazy scenes, with the consequence of drawing everyone's attention to itself.
- At the next family event, sit down and just observe. Notice if he interacts with other family members and how they react. If a lot of people are condescending to her and give her a rope, then it means that she has been used to behaving this way.
- Consider what happens when he introduces a topic by making a drama out of it. Do other family members rush to agree with you on how "outrageously" high are the prices for kindergarten / electricity / shampoo / dog grooming / car maintenance / etc? Do they confirm his allegations as quickly as possible, thereby producing even more complaints? This shows that they allow her to express this whining worldview and that they are sadly accustomed to indulging it. You can't change them, but you can fix a new model by not complaining yourself.
- Notice what happens when you disagree with her. Does he sulk, does he have a fit of anger or does he try to denigrate you? Since it is very important to support your ideas, if he reacts in a very childish way, you will have to learn to handle it with care. Learn not to disagree, but not to agree. There is a very thin line that separates these two concepts, but everything is based on making her realize her unconscious need (notice me, take care of me, help me, etc.) without destroying her vision of the world.
Step 2. Don't get involved in melodrama
Your sister-in-law can let off steam, breathe out and curse everything she wants, but there is no need to get carried away by her negativity. Avoid taking what she says personally, the more her actions and reactions are exalted, the more she is climbing on mirrors to provoke you and try to bring attention back to her. Let her be the center of attention in her home, but don't stay there to let her vent on you. If the situation gets too difficult, simply say that you will come back when you feel calmer and leave. Similarly, if it happens at your house, tell her it's time to go (you can also pretend you have an appointment or have to go to sleep early, if you really want to use a polite excuse).
Method 2 of 5: Manage What Triggers Your Reactions
Step 1. Look inside yourself
It can be difficult to do this when someone is trying to provoke you. But it is important, because it is your reactions that allow her to understand if she can continue to do so. Here are some of the things to consider:
- If you remain silent, there is a risk that you think you are dull, amazed by what he says or that you harbor a grudge. Choose which one, he will likely be happy to think about all three. And he will use your silence to continue supporting his point of view at the expense of yours. If you are condescending and smiling, you are turning into a doormat.
- Question what she says and she will likely think that your partner has married an angry, resentful and sad little person who hates her and who would do anything to separate him from his brother (or sister). You may think that you are trying to defend yourself, but for her it is all based on the fact that you don't care what she thinks and that you are trying to denigrate her. This does not mean that there is no room for disagreement. It just means that the way you redefine his understanding of the situation has to be done with care.
Step 2. Set limits
State the facts about the subject he is pressing you on, firmly but politely, and avoid getting emotionally involved in the discussion. If you can say things in a simple way, staying attached to the facts and avoiding turning them into accusations against her, there will be no escape. Know that he may continue to hold a grudge that you have expressed your point in a resolute and self-effective way, but that shouldn't stop you from clarifying your position. Basically, he can't help but respect someone who doesn't argue, loses his temper or bites his tongue but presents absolutely clearly where his limits lie. And even if she's not doing it, everyone else will clearly see that you are the quietest person in the room.
For example, let's assume that your daughter Giovannina was running out and fell to the ground. Your sister-in-law insists that she must go to the doctor or that something terrible could happen. You are sure that nothing of the kind will happen, and you know you are a good parent, but your sister-in-law continues to bother you by increasing the intensity of the unpleasant things that could happen if you do not follow her advice. Present this speech to your sister-in-law in a very serene and calm way "It is very kind of you to have noticed that Giovannina has skinned her knee but I am really convinced that everything will be fine. It's something that happens, and she needs it to learn how to manage the outside world. He doesn't need a visit to the doctor. " And enough, it is not necessary to feed the discussion again. If your sister-in-law keeps trying, smile and change the subject of the conversation. Refuse to return to the subject
Method 3 of 5: You and Your Partner
Step 1. Talk to your partner about your feelings
Avoid using abusive epithets, insulting, or insinuating anything about her sister. Instead, try to express your feelings when the situation becomes unbearable whenever you are in his presence. Your partner can't blame your feelings, so state them clearly and thoughtfully. This lets your partner know that you have recognized your sister-in-law's behavior for what it is, and that you have chosen to no longer accept being a victim of it.
For example, "Giorgia, when your sister constantly talks about how difficult it is to keep her children's private education, I feel claustrophobic because she doesn't know when to stop. Since we can barely afford the mortgage, it stresses me to hear this conversation going on all evening. I would like to stop being in this situation from now on, simply by letting her know that I have become aware of her problem, but not allowing her to discuss it all evening, and I would like you to help me find more conversation topics that do not include money.. Do you think it's something you can help me do?
Step 2. Ask your partner to think carefully about how he talks about family problems
Tell him that you love to know what your sister-in-law does but that you don't like listening to the melodramas that often accompany these discussions. Help your partner understand what you mean by "melodrama" and what you mean by "real news" and in no time, you will both learn to talk about family matters in a much more stimulating way without fake tragedy.
- Give your partner a gentle nod whenever you hear your sister-in-law repeat her melodramatic farce in your home. You can also develop a special signal, instead of having to communicate it every time.
- Set a ban on gossiping at home (or anywhere else). Warn each other when you notice your discussions are gossiping and stop them. It doesn't matter if you think gossip is being said about you, you are the most mature person when you decide not to get involved in this kind of behavior.
Method 4 of 5: Dealing with your Sister-in-law's SMS and Calls
Step 1. Avoid answering if it's not worth it
Do not reply to any text messages that are not directly related to family matters, positive messages or something else that is perfectly normal. If you receive text messages that say the outrage she felt for the things that happened to her, how much she is bothered by something you think you have done or gossip about family and friends, do not answer her.
If you feel angry and want to send her a proper response, reprimand, or excuse right away, don't do it. Take your anger or irritation as a sign that you need to ignore the matter. The angry messages can only end up bothering you both
Step 2. If your sister-in-law makes you lose your temper, keep interaction on social networks to a minimum
If your sister-in-law really annoys you and is melodramatic, probably the social networks she is a member of reflect these attempts of hers to attract attention to herself. You could easily get drawn into one of his rants or melodramas if you constantly see his Facebook status updates and his latest tweets.
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If it requires friendship, you can do one of the following:
- One. Just ignore his request. When she asks you something about it, tell her you don't use social networks a lot to talk about important things (or in general).
- Two, respond by saying “No, thank you. I do not accept new requests at the moment due to work / privacy / overload, etc. " You can also add something like, "Plus we see each other so often that I prefer to talk face to face."
- Three, set all settings to private so it can't see your contacts. Don't tell her anything, or tell her that you have stopped using social networks or that you only have a small circle of friends that you are not planning to extend at the moment. If you tell her that you have not received any friend requests, obviously she will send it back to you, but you could buy enough time to make her forget it, promising that you will invest and lengthen the time, refusing to take the subject again.
- Four, offer her a more neutral alternative. Ask her to become friends on Pinterest and focus only on the recipes and crafts. Nothing racist or malicious, of course.
- Try to avoid the terminology "friends" when it comes to rejecting or accepting his request. Unfortunately, the use of this term on social networks has led people to take it personally. Many people are simply fans, or acquaintances, not friends. She may feel despised if you let her know that you are rejecting her as a "friend".
- If you already follow you on one or more social networks, you can consider blocking it and setting privacy on some sites. Most likely you will have to explain what happened (with a decent excuse, for example, "Facebook has changed its privacy settings again, probably if you don't log into my profile you won't see most of the things I share"). If she is a melodramatic, she will not only notice it, but she will also feel offended!
Step 3. Be careful if you prefer to persist and try to be friends with him online, and over the phone
If he is acting abusive, it is advisable to record what he says so that you can show it to your partner or other family members if necessary. Keep messages, mails, voicemails, etc. It is not to deliberately seek the rotten, but it is a good way to protect yourself should the situation spiral out of control. However, it should only be the last alternative, if you can manage your sister-in-law in public, everyone will really understand who is the person who behaves well and who is the exalted one.
Method 5 of 5: A Better Future Together
Step 1. Go your own way
You married your partner, not his family. Even if his family members are part of the package, they are not part of your intimacy and they do not share the same path you are on. If you make it clear that you are not interested in jealousy, innuendo, gossip or rumors, sooner or later your sister-in-law will understand that her attitude, her frown and her meanness do not scratch you as before. Eventually, annoying you will cease to give him satisfaction and reluctantly pass on to someone else to stalk and harass.
- Spend less time with your sister-in-law. How do you end up in his path? While bonding with her may seem obligatory, you can always look for ways to reduce the time you spend together. For example, ask other family members to meet you when she doesn't get a chance to come. Don't do this all the time, or she'll have the right excuse to complain, but she doesn't need to be around all the time with other family members. If you live very far away and you have to see it once a year, stay at your home to give yourself a breather.
- Go for walks, go out and don't stay too long when there are long family events that make you lose your temper. The family knows what makes you lose your temper most of all and, unfortunately, some of them like to do it. In these events, your sister-in-law probably has allied people she can stake out to be even meaner, so the less time you spend around these complainer-prone people, the better.
Step 2. Really listen
When you are with your sister-in-law, try to actively listen and understand her, rather than building a wall to defend yourself. When she gets to the top of her mountain of complaints, instead of reaching for her, saying "if you think you're wrong, you should stay in my shoes", instead try to focus on her and try to understand what it is that really causes her to complain., gossip and tease. If you make the situation impersonal, you may be surprised how much you can dig. To respond, let her know that you understand her pain with neutral comments, such as “I'm sorry you had to go through all this to pay an electricity bill. It must be difficult to have four children who use a lot of electricity every day”. Don't offer advice, don't tell her how you would handle the problem, and never offer to pay her anything to fix her problems. It's his business, you just understand it.
Step 3. Show compassion
If your sister-in-law has been annoying more than once and even spelled things out to ridicule or denigrate you, she will most likely try again, even if you don't play along. But if you are ready and understand where these attacks come from (insecurity, loneliness, abandonment, need to have things under control, etc.), you can have compassion for his actions and take the melodrama impersonally. If you don't give her the rope, she will be forced to stop continuing and will end up seeing you as a possible target.
