We know very well the saying “You can't choose relatives”, but it is a common phrase for a specific reason. For better or for worse we find ourselves part of a particular family with which we must have and maintain relationships. Managing grandparents - whether it's our grandparents or those of our children - comes with challenges, but the obstacles are worth dealing with in exchange for the potential benefits of a solid, loving relationship. In the following article, we offer you some tips on how grandchildren can better manage the hassle of their grandparents and also how new parents can juggle under the watchful eye of their parents.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Confronting Your Annoying Grandparents
Step 1. Find out what you mean by "annoying"
Before tackling any problem, we need to be able to pinpoint the real cause of our dissatisfaction. It's too easy to get overwhelmed by anger because grandparents are irritating, but what bothers us so much about their behavior?
- Complaining to your grandparents (or anyone else willing to listen to you) that they're annoying won't fix the problem. He tries to pinpoint the cause: "It annoys me if my grandmother treats me like a five-year-old when I visit her and doesn't let me watch horror movies, even though she's twenty-five."
- Before you decide how to handle the situation and deal with your grandparents, take the time to reflect and write down your problems.
Step 2. Evaluate your grandparents' point of view
When dealing with any type of interpersonal conflict, it is important to identify with the other person. This means you need to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their point of view.
- Try to find out why your grandparents act the way they do. You may need a face-to-face interview with them in which to expose your complaints, but you will be better prepared if you first formulate plausible assumptions on your own.
- Grandma won't let you watch your favorite show during the holidays, but do you think maybe she might find it creepy?
- Is it possible that your grandparents are trying to control what you watch because they still consider you their innocent five-year-old grandchild and have only a little nostalgia?
- You might be annoyed that grandparents call you every other day, but maybe they miss you and feel the need to talk to you more often?
Step 3. Learn more about your grandparents
You have a relationship with them but you may not know them well outside of this context. Assuming your grandparents want to be a part of your life, knowing as much about them as possible will help you understand them as people and find the right path to improve your relationship.
- Before starting to address your specific problem (your frustration with their excessive involvement or absence in your life, for example), talk to your grandparents about their life and the relationship with their grandparents.
- Ask them specific questions: "How often did you see your grandparents?" "Were they strict or indulgent?" "What would you have liked to do while you were together?"
- It may also be helpful to learn the differences between generations. If your grandparents grew up during the war period, for example, this will allow you to understand their way of seeing life.
Step 4. Find the interests that match you
As you try to improve your relationship, it would be wise to keep in mind the characteristics and values you share.
- Do you appreciate your grandfather's strange sense of humor? This will help you decide when and how to approach him to talk to him about what is bothering you. If your grandfather reacts well to humor, approaching the subject with a joke might work.
- Also think about what you are grateful to them for: have they always been available? Can you call them at midnight when your wheel is on the ground? If loyalty is very important to them (and to you), recognizing it could help you understand the reason for their most boring habits or get over them.
Step 5. Evaluate your role
It's quite rare for a problem to be one-sided, so it's important to honestly reflect on your behavior to identify any attitudes that have contributed to the situation.
- For example, is it possible that although you are annoyed by the behavior of your grandparents who do not treat you like an adult and do not allow you to come home late at night, other times you force them to wait like they did when you were younger? If so, take note of the contradictory messages you send.
- Is it possible that you are reacting negatively to your own character traits that you don't appreciate, because you see them reflected in your grandparents? If so, it is unfair to criticize them for not returning your phone calls, for example, when you yourself have an unattractive background.
- Are you impatient and hostile when confronting your grandparents? You may think you can hide your boredom very well, but remember that body language, facial expressions and our tone of voice speak volumes.
- Your grandparents probably know you very well and are well aware of your frustration. This could help increase the tension.
Step 6. Decide what you are willing to tolerate
Remember that you don't have to fight all the battles, and in reality the constant fight only serves to increase the tension and general frustration.
- Especially if you don't see your grandparents regularly, compromising to keep the peace most likely shouldn't involve a lot of sacrifices.
- Maybe you've been waiting a week to see your favorite show, but is it really worth fighting over whether you can record it or watch it later on your mobile or computer?
- On the other hand, while you may decide to live your life by not caring about their opinions on your way of dressing, you may not be able to tolerate their insults and their hostility towards your partner.
- The main question is deciding what matters to you, both in terms of your life choices and in terms of your relationship with your grandparents.
Step 7. Talk to your grandparents
After you've done your best to understand their motives, find common interests, and find out your role, it's time to talk to them.
- Make sure you choose the right place and time. If they go to bed early, deciding to talk about their arrogant attitude towards your business choices right before they go to bed would most likely not be appropriate.
- Try not to use an accusatory tone. Even if they seem annoying to you, don't start by saying “Grandma, you are so boring when you force me to eat”.
- On the contrary, he tries to gild the pill by saying: "Grandma, I appreciate that you cook me your dishes when I come to visit you, but sometimes I feel compelled to overeat and it seems frustrating."
- Also note that when you talk to your grandparents it would be preferable to formulate the speech by emphasizing what you appreciate about them, rather than your need to solve a problem.
- You might try to answer their comments with other questions. If you are tired of their constant questions about your love life, next time answer by saying "Why are you asking me?". Their response may surprise you, or they may realize they have been intrusive.
Step 8. Consult your parents
Although it is probably best to try to manage your problems alone, depending on their severity or how comfortable you are with your grandparents, you could ask for the support of your parents.
- Whether they have a good relationship with their parents or not, they are still in a position to help you understand. They can give you some advice on how to deal with grandparents or, if necessary, discuss with them for you.
- If you decide to let off steam with your parents or get them to talk to your grandparents, be careful not to put them in an awkward situation.
- If your grandparents are annoying (and not mean or bullying), this is a problem that a mature person should be able to solve on their own. One of your parents' most important duties is to protect you, but not necessarily from the daily troubles of life.
- Of course, if your grandparents are evil, the situation changes dramatically. We are not obligated to associate with dangerous or harmful people, even if they are part of the family.
Method 2 of 2: Confront Your Children's Grandparents
Step 1. Assess the situation carefully
If you are a new parent, your life has changed dramatically, and you are still learning to juggle the different aspects and issues of your new life. Remember that your children's grandparents are also trying to adapt to the newcomer.
- Before approaching them aggressively, try to figure out if you are in the middle of a transition period. Do you think that with time and patience everything will be resolved?
- If you prefer to contain the problem - for example, you can't tolerate the fact that they continually show up without warning - prepare a list of the attitudes that are bothering you.
Step 2. Evaluate the grandparents' point of view
If you have already read the first method regarding the behavior to adopt towards your grandparents, you will notice that many steps are similar to the previous ones. Even though your relationship with your children's grandparents is different in many ways from the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, there are still some commonalities. However, these are family relationships and whenever we face conflicts, it is useful to first try to consider the other person's point of view.
- It is quite possible that you or your partner will have to deal directly with your children's grandparents, but thinking about why they act the way will help you to deal with the matter better.
- For example, you may be tired of your mother's constant questions about your child's nutrition (which you might take as criticism), but is it possible that she is anxious because of the difficulties she encountered when you were little?
- Similarly, you may be tired of their unexpected visits, but your perspective may change if you realize you weren't very good at inviting them. Grandparents are most likely simply eager to spend time with their beloved grandchildren.
Step 3. Try to be lenient in your interpretations
This step of course depends on the previous one: you are doing your best to evaluate the grandparents' point of view; if you misinterpret their motives, you will get nowhere.
- You might think your mother-in-law was waiting for the right opportunity to paint you as a failure, that's why she keeps bringing you food (thinks you're unable to provide for your family?), But don't dismiss the possibility that she is simply trying to give you a but no.
- Perhaps your parents have rarely called or visited you since you came home with the little one, letting you believe they are not interested in their grandchild. While this is a possibility, also think that maybe they are trying to give you your spaces. They are probably waiting for your first move.
Step 4. Get to know your children's grandparents better
You have a relationship with them but you may not know the experiences with your parents or in-laws. Their current behavior certainly depends on their experiences as parents, and they may have different expectations about their involvement in your children's life.
- Ask them specific questions about their relationships with their parents or in-laws: “Mom, how often did Grandma visit me when I was little? Did you ask her for a lot of advice?”.
- Similarly ask questions about their way of raising children: “Maria, was Piero picky about eating when he was a child? How did you behave? ".
- Learning as much as possible about your children's grandparents will help you understand them as individuals and understand the best way to improve your relationships.
Step 5. Learn about the generational differences in raising children
It is somewhat difficult for you to navigate the contradictory and changing advice regarding the care and rearing of children. Learning how expectations have changed (sometimes drastically) over the years will help you understand the attitude of your children's grandparents.
- You may be annoyed that your mother-in-law keeps telling you to introduce cream of rice into your baby's diet for just a few weeks, but when you discover that her pediatrician advised her to do so, her behavior will seem more understandable.
- Similarly, sudden infant death syndrome was little known in the past and parents have only been advised to put babies to sleep on their backs for a few decades. Although you are adamant on this issue, knowing that your children's grandparents received completely different directions will help you understand how to approach the conversation and clarify your position.
Step 6. Try to get the support of your children's grandparents
Rather than completely rule them out or set a set of hard and fast rules, look for topics you can ask for their advice on and get them involved.
You may have your reasons for expecting your baby to stick to specific bedtime times, but take note of grandma's ability to get the baby to sleep in minutes. When the latter sleeps with her, you can ask her to rock him to sleep at seven o'clock
Step 7. Determine what you are willing to tolerate
It is important that you are as flexible as possible when dealing with your children's grandparents. Of course, some arguments will arise, particularly about their safety, about which you are uncompromising, but try to understand what behaviors on the part of the grandparents are just plain annoyances.
- For example, while it is important for your child to have a healthy, balanced diet, a couple of treats when Grandpa visits will certainly not ruin your hard work.
- On the other hand, if you are convinced that the grandfather will not put the baby in the crib in the supine position without a pillow and stuffed animals, you will not have to leave it in custody at bedtime or nap time.
Step 8. Clarify your expectations
It's important not to expect your children's grandparents to be able to read your mind and know what you want from them.
- You have worked hard to establish very specific rules for your child, after having done a lot of research and consulting pediatricians. When children are in their care, make sure you are clear and specific about your expectations.
- Likewise, although you want your children's grandparents to be an integral part of their lives, to prevent their visits from being too frequent, be clear: “Mom and Dad, we appreciate your visiting, but weekdays are somewhat hectic. Could we meet on Saturday or Sunday?”.
Step 9. Remember your main duty towards your children
First of all, you are required to protect them. If you sometimes feel that they are harmed by relationships with anyone, including their grandparents, you need to take steps to protect them.
- We are not obliged to have connections with aggressive people, just because they are part of our family.
- Apart from everything, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is based on affection and esteem.
- It's up to you to allow your children to be surrounded by people who love and protect them; improving your relationships with their grandparents will help strengthen the bond between grandparents and grandchildren.
