If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is very jealous or possessive, you may begin to doubt that your relationship is healthy. If your partner has a habit of controlling everything you do, telling you who you can or can't talk to, acting in a way that makes you feel sad or isolated, it means that they are psychologically abusing you. This type of abuse could rapidly worsen and lead to forms of physical violence. Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and find out how to break up with a possessive boyfriend.
Steps
Part 1 of 5: Recognizing a Bad Relationship
Step 1. Assess how you feel
There can be ups and downs in a romantic relationship, but in general you should feel good about yourself and your partner. Being the victim of psychological abuse, for example by a possessive guy, can lead you to experience very negative emotions. These signs may indicate that your relationship is unhealthy. You may experience feelings such as:
- Depression;
- Loneliness;
- Shame;
- Sense of guilt;
- Isolation or a feeling of being trapped
- Anxiety;
- Fear for your safety or that of your children;
-
Suicidal thoughts.
If you have suicidal thoughts, call 911 immediately or go to the nearest emergency room
Step 2. Notice if your boyfriend acts like he owns you
The roots of the tendency to be possessive in a relationship come from the word "possession". Your boyfriend thinks you are something of his own, which he can then control at will.
Step 3. Notice how often you meet your family and friends
A possessive guy may prevent you from spending time with them, forcing you to be the only center of your universe himself. He may ask you to stay away from your friends, family and colleagues with the aim of destroying your support network and making you totally dependent on him alone. His pretensions could lead you to feel very lonely and isolated.
Think about the people who are dear to you. How often do you see them? Once you've lost your web of support, escaping an abusive relationship may seem more difficult
Step 4. Notice how your boyfriend reacts when you talk to strangers
A possessive guy always wants to know who you meet and who you talk to. This can also apply to people with whom you need to have a normal dialogue in daily life, such as waiters, shop assistants and office employees.
Step 5. Notice how often you monitor what you do
A possessive guy keeps track of where you go and what you do. It asks you to be made aware of every place you go, every thing you do, every conversation you've had, what you've bought and even what you've read. As a result, you may feel exhausted, so much so that you avoid doing some things in an attempt to escape his interrogations.
Step 6. Note if it checks your access to resources
Your boyfriend may try to stop you from using certain tools, such as the phone, the internet, the car, but also school, work, doctor or medication. Obstructing you when trying to access these services is another way to make yourself completely dependent on him. Doing so will have an easy time supervising your actions.
Step 7. See if he accuses you of not being faithful to him
Many possessive partners tend to accuse their partner of cheating or cheating on them. You may feel like you can't even speak to another man without unleashing his jealousy. A healthy relationship is based on feelings of trust and respect, you should be able to interact with anyone whenever you want.
Step 8. Recognize when the craving for possession actually lurks behind being caring
Your boyfriend may be trying to control your behaviors and actions by pretending to want to take care of you. He wants to be the one to decide how you should act, but hides his attempt to manipulate you behind a candid "this is best for you".
For example, he may advise you not to drive your car as it may break down, but at the same time he may not be willing to help you fix it to make it safer
Step 9. Think about how you communicate with each other
You should always be respectful of each other. A healthy relationship is characterized by respect and respect. Two people who love each other do not insult each other, do not denigrate each other, do not shout at each other and do not show behavior that can be traced back to an attempted abuse. You should support each other both in public and in private. Also, you should respect the boundaries dictated by the other. In every healthy couple there are personal boundaries that express the preferences and needs of one and the other, and it is right to reaffirm them whenever they are needed with kind and loving ways and words.
When they need to reaffirm their personal needs, people involved in a healthy relationship do so by communicating openly and sincerely. This implies that for your relationship to be healthy you must have the opportunity to share your feelings with your partner, who in turn must not pretend to be always right and must be able to listen to you by showing affection, open and non-critical
Step 10. Notice how your discussions turn out
It's normal not to always agree on everything, even in the healthiest relationships. Misunderstandings, misunderstandings and conflicts must be handled with promptness and understanding. Even during an exchange of views they must never lack kindness and respect, as well as the desire to collaborate in order to be able to solve difficulties and problems.
In a healthy couple, there is no tendency to blame each other. Both of you take responsibility for their own behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Everyone takes control of their own happiness and destiny. Furthermore, both partners are able to admit mistakes made and willing to do what is necessary to be forgiven by the other. For example, apologizing is a great place to start
Step 11. Determine if your partner engages in the form of psychological violence called "gaslighting"
Gaslighting is a form of mental manipulation implemented through the distortion of events and behaviors aimed at making those who suffer from it lose confidence in their abilities and judgment skills. This is a way to control the other person and prevent them from proceeding independently.
- An example of gaslighting is when your boyfriend recounts an event that happened in the past by distorting some details. Overall his narrative seems accurate, but he uses a few minor details to put himself in a good light and put you in the wrong.
- If your partner has been using this form of emotional manipulation for a long time, you may have a hard time recognizing it. You may have lost faith in your judgment and have low self-esteem. Think back to times when you have had doubts about how your boyfriend exposed past events. You may have thought that surely he was getting confused because in reality things had turned out differently. These could be examples of gaslighting you are undergoing in your relationship.
Part 2 of 5: Recognizing the Signs of Abuse
Step 1. Understand what abuse means
An abusive relationship describes a situation in which one person makes constant and regular use of certain tactics aimed at psychologically, physically, economically, emotionally, and sexually controlling and dominating another. A relationship in which there are episodes of domestic violence is one characterized by an imbalance of power.
Step 2. Understand what are the aspects of psychological abuse
Often this type of abuse involves episodes of verbal violence dictated by the will of the abuser to lower the self-esteem of the other. For example, you may be the victim of insults, constant criticism, persistent displays of lack of trust, behaviors that make you feel like an object of property, threats and attempts to turn your children against you or intimidate you by saying that they will be harmed.
Possessive behavior is a form of psychological abuse, but it can be accompanied by other forms of abuse
Step 3. Understand the meaning of physical abuse
For many, the acts of physical violence may seem obvious and unambiguous, so much so that they do not require any kind of explanation. But for those who have grown up in abusive conditions, it may not be easy to understand that it is not normal to be beaten or mistreated. The following are signs of physical abuse:
- "Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or trying to choke you."
- Denying you the right to meet your basic needs, such as eating or sleeping.
- Break objects that belong to you or those that make up your home, such as throwing dishes or breaking the wall by punching it.
- Threatening yourself with a knife or gun or using any weapon against you.
- Physically preventing you from going out, calling 911 for help, or going to the hospital.
- Physically abusing your children.
- Forcefully throw you out of the car and leave you in remote places.
- Drive recklessly while you are in the car too.
- Forcing yourself to take alcohol or drugs.
Step 4. Recognize the signs of sexual abuse
This type of abuse includes any unsolicited sexual activity. It includes "sexual coercion" - making yourself feel obligated to have sex even when you don't want to. On top of that, it also includes "reproductive coercion" which means you don't have the option to voluntarily choose to get pregnant.
A person who abuses you may want to control the way you dress, rape you, purposely infect you with a sexually transmitted disease, take drugs or alcohol to have sex with you, get you pregnant, or force you to terminate a pregnancy against your own. will, import pornography and so on
Step 5. Understand the forms of financial abuse
A person who financially abuses you can prevent you from accessing your money, even if you have earned it yourself. It can also deprive you of your credit cards or misuse them and get you into trouble with your bank.
Moving to your home refusing to pay bills and bills is also a form of financial abuse. In some cases, you may even be denied the money needed to meet your basic needs, such as eating or buying medications
Step 6. Learn to recognize digital abuse
In this case, the person who abuses you uses technology to threaten, persecute, harass you or force you to do something. It may send you harassing messages through social networks or pretend to know your passwords. In addition to this, it may matter to always keep your cell phone on and at hand, forcing you to answer every call immediately.
Part 3 of 5: React
Step 1. Realistically evaluate your relationship
Your partner is responsible for his actions. Like many other people who are abused, your boyfriend might trick you into thinking "It's my fault" or "If only I hadn't done that, he wouldn't have done this." But your partner is solely responsible for their behavior. If you think your relationship is worth saving, you need to make sure your boyfriend really wants to change his ways. The change must start with him.
If your partner's possessive attitude has led you to feel isolated, trapped, depressed, anxious, or scared, the most likely thing is to end your relationship
Step 2. Get help from a trusted family member or friend
Many times those with possessive partners end up being isolated from friends and family. In such situations, trying to reconnect may not be easy, for fear of being judged or reprimanded. However, if you have realized that you need to end the relationship, you need the support of loved ones. Even if you haven't talked to a particular friend or family member for a long time, they will surely be ready to give you all their support.
Ask this person for help. Discuss with her a possible strategy for ending your relationship
Step 3. Contact a phone line dedicated to abused women
The Association "SOS Domestic Violence onlus" (telephone number 3427584161), for example, through the collaboration of professionals such as doctors, psychologists, lawyers and members of the police, organizes courses to teach women to defend themselves and increase their self-esteem.
Alternatively, you can contact the National Volunteers Association of Telefono Rosa (telephone number 0637518282), whose switchboard is active every day 24 hours a day, and whose purpose is to help all people (women, elderly, adolescents) who have suffered physical, psychological, economic, sexual violence, bullying and stalking. The association organizes self-help groups, offers psychological counseling, legal counseling and hospitality
Step 4. Plan a safe strategy
You must decide in advance what to do to save yourself in case of danger or threats.
- Various documents are available on the web that contain guidelines and safety plans useful for preventing and managing episodes of domestic violence.
- Print and store the material in a place not accessible to your boyfriend.
Step 5. Leave immediately if you don't feel safe
If you feel in danger, there is no need to explain to your boyfriend why you have decided to end your relationship. Immediately move away from him to go to a safe place, such as a shelter home.
The main priority is your safety (and that of your children and pets, if any)
Step 6. Trust your instincts
Maybe a little voice is telling you that your relationship isn't working out and your boyfriend doesn't respect you. Realizing this may not be easy, however, by trusting your instincts and being honest with yourself, you will be able to take the steps necessary to live a healthier and safer life.
Part 4 of 5: Ending the Relationship
Step 1. Decide in advance what to say
Training yourself to repeat what you mean to your boyfriend to end your relationship could be very helpful. Doing so will help you reflect and find the best way to present your reasons. When you are the victim of an abusive relationship, it may not be easy to deal with the moment of separation, but keep in mind that you deserve to be heard and respected.
Step 2. Choose the best place and time to say stop
Generally, when you want to leave someone, it's best to do it personally. However, in an abusive relationship, it's important to be cautious about imagining your boyfriend's possible reactions. If you don't think he might react violently, then you can meet him in person. However, the advice is to choose a public place where it cannot hurt you or break your things.
If you think he might get violent, the best thing to do is to leave him without explaining in person. If you think it is necessary, you can leave him a note. If you have children or pets, take them away with you
Step 3. Ask someone to stand by your side
If you fear for your safety, have a trusted friend accompany you who can act as a witness and, if necessary, defend you.
Step 4. Describe how you feel about their behaviors
You can take this opportunity to let him know how you feel about his possessive attitude. Speak to him firmly and explain what the prerequisites for a healthy relationship are. Tell him that your relationship cannot meet your needs and that you are leaving him.
You can give him specific examples that highlight his disrespect for you, his constant attempts to control you, and the way he tries to isolate you
Step 5. Be ready for her reactions
Your boyfriend may not want to hear your explanations, get defensive, ignore you, look sorry, or get aggressive. Stick to your idea and do what's right for you.
Step 6. Ignore his apology
Your partner may beg you to forgive him and to stay with him. You must be extremely wary of his promises to change. In an abusive relationship, phases of calm and attack can alternate cyclically. If you've made the decision to end your relationship, listen to yourself first. Ignore his apologies and pleas.
If he threatens you that he'll get hurt in case you leave, try to ignore him. His acts are under his full responsibility. Trying to make yourself feel guilty is a way to manipulate yourself and convince you to stay. Your only priority is "your" safety
Step 7. If you feel in danger, call 911
If your partner becomes violent, call 911 immediately. Calling the rescue service can be a good way to avoid being physically assaulted. Furthermore, to protect your safety and that of your children, it is advisable to move away from him immediately.
Tell the police about any physical abuse you have suffered. Describe what happened in detail and show any injuries. Take photos of where you were hit, then repeat the shots over the next few days to document the progress of the bruises. Provide all the material to the police, the images can be used in court. Ask the police officers to give you their names and registration numbers. Make a note of the number on the report, you might need a copy. Law enforcement may decide to arrest your boyfriend if they think you are in danger
Step 8. Find safe shelter
Make a list of places that may host you. If possible, opt for friends or family that your partner doesn't know. Alternatively, look for a shelter: they are usually subsidized by charities. The points that offer hospitality are secret and accessible 24 hours a day, so you will have the opportunity to sneak out of the house while he sleeps if necessary. Volunteers will be able to provide you with useful information for contacting social services, obtaining a protection order against abuse and requesting a psychological counseling service.
Step 9. Don't reply to his messages
Your ex boyfriend may be trying to contact you by phone, through social networks, or even in person. Avoid any form of communication.
- Delete his phone number. Remove it from friends on social networks. It may be helpful to change your phone number.
- If you feel like he's following or spying on you, change your daily routine. Leave school or work at different times, change the route you take on foot or by car. If you don't feel safe, consider applying for a restraining protection order.
Step 10. Get a restraining order if you think it's necessary
A restraining (or protection) order is issued by a civil judge or magistrate to offer you legal protection against the person who is harassing, threatening or intimidating you. The act will prohibit the person from coming to your home or workplace.
Take note of any attempts by your ex boyfriend to contact you. If they keep approaching, phoning, texting, or stalking you, write down the place, time, and details where it happens. This data may be used to obtain a restraining order in case of need
Part 5 of 5: Move on
Step 1. Get help from a psychotherapist
Depending on the length of the relationship you just ended, you may feel the need to talk to a psychologist. With his support you will be able to reflect on the experiences you have had with your partner and be able to better understand your relationship and behaviors.
Step 2. Make sure you feel safe again
After an abusive relationship ends in which you feared for your safety, it may take some time for you to feel comfortable again. You may have felt exposed to physical threats, such as beatings, or psychological ones, such as economic criticism, insults and intimidation. Getting back to feeling safe and acting freely may therefore take some time.
Taking a self-defense course could help you feel more physically secure. Finding a job and opening a savings account could allow you to feel financially independent again
Step 3. Allow yourself to grieve for what happened
The end of a relationship tends to make us feel sad, anxious, confused and lost; in some cases a strong sense of guilt can also arise. Give yourself a chance to express your feelings. Engage in a creative activity, such as painting or journaling, to let your emotions emerge.
Step 4. Find some time for yourself
After ending a relationship that has hurt you, it helps to get in tune with yourself and your needs again. Plan to do something you love, it could be cooking, hiking in the mountains, skiing or going to the movies. Focus on your needs to find a feeling of well-being.
Step 5. Be cautious about starting a new relationship
While you may feel ready to build a new relationship, you will likely be quite agitated and want to take small, gradual steps. Be optimistic about your possible future together, however, if you find that the same patterns that characterized your previous relationship are repeating themselves, immediately end this new relationship. Be careful not to get trapped in an abusive relationship again.
Determine what qualities you look for in a partner. After the previous relationship ends, take some time to understand what the key aspects of a healthy relationship are. Remember to prioritize your own needs
Step 6. Be strong and trust yourself
Breaking up with a possessive boyfriend can be extremely difficult, especially when the relationship has been going on for a long time. Believe in your ability to overcome this experience and get well again. Repeat positive affirmations to remind yourself that you made the right decision.
