Some children are naturally shy and may take longer to get used to new people. Understand that a shy child has a different way of making new friends than an extroverted peer and that this is not a problem. Support and encourage them to help them gain confidence and feel more comfortable with other people. Help create opportunities for him to interact with others, but let him walk the path that will lead him to make new friends.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Creating Opportunities to Make New Friends
Step 1. Ask your child if they would like help to find new friends
While many children have a hard time admitting that they want their parents' help, try to determine if they are actually worried about not having enough friends. Some shy children are happy to have few.
- Helping your child make new friends can be a source of anxiety for them. Pay attention to his gestures and body language - he may feel overwhelmed or frustrated by your behavior.
- Find out if your child is happy and satisfied overall. In case he has few friends but seems happy, think about how he could be more independent in the activities he enjoys. He may want to spend more time alone.
- Wait for him to ask you for help before intervening on your own initiative, so you can avoid taking wrong actions.
Step 2. Teach him the value of friendship
Help him understand what it means to you; explain to him what the role of a good friend is and how to be one. Let him know that quantity is not important because what matters is the quality of the friendship.
- Teach him that friendship becomes more and more important as time goes by and that friends contribute to happiness and can be supportive in difficult times.
- Tell him how to tell a good friend from a bad one.
- Help him to recognize in a person the typical qualities of a good friend such as reliability, kindness, understanding and trust, as well as affinity of character and common interests.
Step 3. Organize playtime with only one child at a time
Avoid making him feel overwhelmed by the presence of too many peers, especially if he is shy: large groups - even three or four people - could intimidate him. It is better to prefer one-on-one meetings with a neighbor or classmate.
- In the event that the child is less than seven / eight years old, you can play a more active role in organizing playtime.
- If he's older, encourage him less directly. For example, consider asking him if he would like to invite a friend over for pizza over the weekend, or for a movie night at home.
Step 4. Try to get him to play with younger children
Sometimes shy children may be more self-conscious or anxious about their peers and feel more comfortable with younger children. The latter are able to make them feel welcomed, thanks to the admiration they usually feel towards older children.
- Encourage him to play with the younger children in the neighborhood. Invite the parents to dinner and introduce them.
- Make him feel more comfortable with others by letting him interact with younger siblings, cousins, or family members.
Step 5. Find extracurricular activities that you like that require teamwork
Shy children may need more encouragement to get involved in such activities, so focus on ones your child has shown an interest in rather than forcing them to do things that are most interesting to you.
- For example, they may enjoy outdoor activities. You might want to sign him up for a football team, but he prefers hiking in nature. If this is the case, opt to enroll him in a Boy Scout association.
- Even if the activities are not always group activities, they can still help to educate him about social interactions. Consider taking a pottery, swimming, or gymnastics class.
Part 2 of 3: Gaining Confidence
Step 1. Give them the opportunity to improve their social skills in public contexts
First consider working with him at home with role-playing games: by practicing in a safe environment first, he will likely feel more comfortable when he has to speak in public.
- For example, play role-playing games that take place in a grocery store, park, school, playground, and family gatherings. Imagine situations where other people or other children are more or less friendly.
- Try to explain to him what to say or how to behave in the event that he is in a complicated situation or in front of a difficult person. However, most situations should involve friendly exchanges to encourage him to act in public.
- When in public, remind him of what he has learned about being open and friendly.
Step 2. Take a polite and sociable attitude to serve as a guide
Children see parents as role models: try to be an example by maintaining a positive and respectful attitude in different situations, both at home and in public.
- Show them how to share their stuff and help others. Be an example of kindness and explain that helping other people can often lead to new friends.
- Talk to different people. Instead of appearing irritated by others, show your child how to be relaxed and sociable. Talk to people in line at a supermarket checkout or store and be willing to ask questions or give advice to others in public.
Step 3. Avoid focusing on the negative aspects of his life
If you constantly monitor his behavior for having no friends, you may make him feel even more outcast. Avoid keeping reminding him of the negative things he has to live with.
- For example, when you pick him up from school, don't ask him if he ate alone again for lunch or if he spent recess on his own.
- Instead, ask him open-ended questions that may slowly lead you to learn more details. For example, ask him if he had a nice day or how his recess went, then continue with questions like, "Why was it a difficult day?" or "What activities did you do during recess?".
Step 4. Encourage and reassure him
Children who feel loved, supported and valued have greater self-confidence and are able to have new experiences and interact with new people. If he feels reassured, unusual environments and people will seem less frightening to him.
- Build his confidence with words of encouragement such as: "You have a great artistic talent; I'm sure other children would love to see your work." or "You are a very nice person; helping others on the playground is a great idea."
- Show affection through hugs. Make him feel comforted and loved by hugging him regularly.
Part 3 of 3: Establishing the Shyness Level
Step 1. Avoid classifying shyness as a negative element
It is a characteristic common to many people, often present from birth; so don't automatically consider it a problem. While some children are more sociable with other people, others need more time.
- Consider it an aspect of the personality. Some people are extroverted, others introverted - both cases are not a problem.
- Accept that not all children are the same. In reality, the shy ones are excellent listeners and are less prone to getting in trouble at school.
Step 2. Look at the situations in which your child seems most shy to you
Try to understand how the social environment can affect their behavior, thinking about the times when they are most shy and those when they are more talkative. Help him research the situations that lead him to be more open.
- Pay attention to how he behaves at home, at school, with other family members and in public: when does he seem most relaxed and outgoing? When are you least talkative?
- Help create situations that make him more open and interested. Try to involve him in activities instead of inadvertently making him feel left out.
Step 3. Don't force him to be outgoing
If you press on it too soon, it may back off and close itself on each subsequent attempt. It may be particularly difficult for you, especially if you are more outgoing and talkative. Avoid embarrassing him and give him the opportunity to express himself by following his own inclinations.
- For example, imagine that your child has taken piano lessons and you want to show his talent to some family or friends visiting your home. Without preventing him, you ask him to play for them: if he is too shy or nervous, he will probably run away.
- Instead of suddenly chasing him in front of everyone, talk to him privately first and ask him if he'd like to play. If he doesn't feel like it, try going step by step, convincing him to play for you first, and maybe another guest, and then in front of a group of people.
Step 4. Find out if he needs further help
Some shy children think for a long time and are cautious but have good self-esteem, while others may need outside support and advice to overcome their anxieties and fears. Your child may need professional help through school or a psychologist if they exhibit any of these attitudes:
- Prolonged refusal to go to school or hang out with other people which results in absences from school or other events.
- Refusal to make eye contact and a tendency to make people feel particularly uncomfortable with their presence.
- Shyness that arises from severe anxiety or anger, possibly due to abuse or trauma.
- Low self-esteem with cyclical episodes of depression and anxiety.
