There are many reasons why a person would want to control others. Some of these reasons are healthy, some are not. Either way, you can find a good approach to help you do the right thing by trying to understand people and yourself a little better.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding the People You Want to Control
Step 1. Make sure you have the ability to achieve the desired result
Before you take the first step, you need to be sure that the person you are trying to control can actually do what you want. Sometimes, as much as we want someone to do something, there are aspects that do not depend at all on their will. Considering this factor is important, because if a person cannot do what you want, then you would doom yourself to failure, which would hurt everyone involved.
- For example, such a situation occurs when you want a girl to love you (because you are in love lost), but she can't do anything about it. You cannot force her to love you, because she herself cannot force herself to love you. In life, there are many such situations, things that you simply cannot control, so before proceeding, consider whether what you want can be given to you by the person in question.
- Among other things that are beyond our control are love (and, by association, divorce), chronic mental illness, addictions, intelligence, social openness (introversion or extroversion), the level of energy, interests, personal preferences and sometimes aspects such as money and work.
Step 2. Evaluate why this person is taking a certain action
Right now, the individual you want to control is doing something you don't like. However, before you can begin persuading him to act differently, you need to understand what motivates him to choose the current course of action. What makes him think his behaviors are valid? Once you understand his different motives, you can manipulate them to get him to act differently.
- Usually, the easiest way to understand someone's motivations is to ask a simple question: "Why do you think this is a good idea?". Of course, you can also try to figure it out for yourself by listening to what he says and observing what he does.
- For example, you may want your assigned lab partner to work harder on the project. However, perhaps this person already thinks they are doing their job, and doesn't see why they should do it further.
Step 3. Identify the main factor that motivates him to behave this way
Now that you know all of this person's reasons, try to understand the incentive agent that affects their decisions the most. Manipulating this element is the easiest way to make a good impact. Think about the things she values most before making a decision considering the choices you have seen her make in the past or the fights you have had. If you know what really matters to her, then you can take advantage of this incentive to get the desired result.
For example, you want your mother to vote for a particular politician in an election. You have decided to choose a certain candidate because you know your ideological position better. But you know that the factor your mother gives the most importance is the public spending on education, because she was a teacher. You can use anecdotes that demonstrate your candidate's relationship with children, families, and education policies to motivate them to change their mind
Step 4. Try to understand what is preventing her from doing something
Including the factors that make an argument interesting to her, you need to examine the elements that hinder her from accepting your point of view. What if he thinks it's a bad idea what you're trying to do? If you know what risks he associates with your request, you can figure out how to make these potential dangers seem less relevant.
You have no reason to be backward if you want to find out why someone doesn't like an idea. Frequently, once a person expresses out loud why they don't like a thought, they come to the conclusion that this motivation seems nonsense, or they realize they can't explain themselves better. This can give you the perfect opportunity to say the right thing and persuade her to be on your side
Part 2 of 4: Building Trust and Having a Good Relationship
Step 1. Make him feel like a hero
One of the most effective ways to get someone to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story. Human beings always try to find a certain sense of continuity in their lives; this reassures them and leads them to expect a happy ending. When you use this to your advantage and help the other person shape their perception of their story, show them that this story undoubtedly becomes better when supplemented by yours. You will see that you can get her to do just about anything.
For example, you want an investor to support your start-up. Explain to him that by deciding to support your business, he would pave the way for innovation. He will be the hero who will bring about positive change in your community. He has the opportunity to become a future Andrew Carnegie, causing a positive domino effect throughout the story
Step 2. Offer them a sense of community or identity
Another way to make your ideas seem more interesting to the person you're trying to persuade is to get them to feel part of the community. Alternatively, make her think she plays a rather specific role within it. People feel incredibly strong the need to belong to something. When you guarantee a certain sense of belonging to a person, they become much more willing to want to participate and do what you want.
Let's take an example. You want your sister to swap her room for yours. Help her understand that with this change she will be in a place in the house where she can hear everything that happens. That way, she'll have the opportunity to rush to help everyone right away (because she's that classic person who loves taking care of everyone, right?)
Step 3. Do something for this person
When you show yourself useful to others and do something for them, they end up feeling indebted to you, and this could lead them to think that it is better to do you a favor in time of need. Do things that are meaningful and special for others (such as helping them relocate, get them a job, get them hired, or arrange a date with the right person). They will be ready to lend you a hand to reciprocate when you ask.
However, an important part of this technique is not letting them know that your help is aimed at getting something back from them later. They must believe that you sincerely want to help them, because you like them, there are no hidden reasons. This mainly means that you need to do them favors well in advance before making a request
Step 4. You must give the impression that you have everything under control
Another way to make others think that your path is the right one is to give the idea that you are in control of the situation. If they believe you have your hands firmly on the helm of life, then they will feel calmer, not at the mercy of nasty surprises. This makes your point of view seem confident.
Show that you have everything under control by looking like an expert first and foremost. Do some research. You have to know what you are talking about. Afterward, convey self-esteem as you discuss your solid plans. Prepare for questions and come up with a number of counter arguments
Step 5. Catch the flies with honey
According to a popular tradition, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. While this isn't always true with these insects, the truth is usually that being nice to people and conveying positive feelings makes them more likely to listen to you, take you seriously, and agree with what you have to say. When you talk to people, don't judge, don't be demeaning, rude, critical or argumentative. Be calm and confident, but don't act unpleasant.
- For example, you should avoid calling people's views and choices "stupid", and you should not explain your ideas to others as if they were children or have mental disabilities.
- Instead, make them feel good about themselves, be optimistic in your interactions, and do something positive for them. When they realize that you are a good person and that you go out of your way to help people, they will want you to be successful, they will want you to get what you want. In fact, this reinforces an idea that we all have in common: destiny rewards good people. The need to live in a just world will consequently lead them to do what you want.
Part 3 of 4: Use Convincing Language
Step 1. Leverage their emotions
Some people are more emotional than others. They experience strong feelings and then tend to reason based on what they have felt in various situations. They are those classic people who share dozens of videos on Facebook whose protagonists are soldiers returned from the war and who see their dogs again. When you talk to these types of people, use language and arguments that leverage their emotions in order to get them to do what you want.
- For example, encourage them to feel sorry for you. If you're trying to get your mom to let you go to summer camp, you say something like, "You know, I don't want to get to be 40, send my kids to camp and feel bitter for never having this experience. I don't want to have a regret. like that in my life."
- In the study of rhetoric, this strategy is based on resorting to someone's pathos, or emotions.
Step 2. Use this person's logic
There are other individuals (and sometimes this group overlaps the previous one) who prefer the arguments supported by logic. They want proof and good reasons to think about before being convinced. Usually, on social networks they publish news that refutes the latest decision of the supreme court; show evidence of what might happen next and why this would be wrong (or right). To leverage them, use logic when you speak.
- For example, try saying something like "You should wear this color because it makes your eyes stand out so much. If your interviewer focuses on your gaze, it will be easier for him to take you seriously, and you will have a much better chance of getting the look. work".
- In the study of rhetoric, this strategy is based on the use of logos, or the logic of a person.
Step 3. Flatter this person
With almost everyone, use a language that makes them feel capable, confident, intelligent, experienced, important and kind. Using cunningly flattering words will make them like you more, but it will also distract them. Overwhelmed by the happiness of having received a compliment that they liked so much and that they did not expect, they will not think that your argument does not make complete sense to them.
For example, you say something like, "You know, I'd like to be the spokesperson for our presentation, but I'm afraid of doing everything wrong. I'll probably block too. You are much better than me at talking to people and convincing them with your arguments. Surely the whole group will hang from your lips."
Step 4. Make this person think it was their idea
Women have been saying this for centuries: the best way to get a man to do something is to get him to believe it was his idea. In any case, this is true for practically anyone. If an individual thinks an idea is good and is also convinced that he has given birth to it, then he will put up much less resistance to doing this particular thing.
For example, try saying something like, "My poor friend Davide is a great guy. It's a shame he never gets a break. And he has so many advantages: he works really hard and he's pretty smart. One. once you get to know him, you also realize that he is fascinating, very ". Use these words if you want to try to fully convince someone to hire, go out, or do anything else for David. Your interlocutor will hear this fantastic description and think, "You know it's there, it doesn't look bad at all. Maybe I should…"
Step 5. Create a feeling of fear or indignation
It shouldn't be your first strategy, but using fear and indignation to get someone to do something is a very effective technique. Use language that leverages this person's fear and anger, that highlights them. That way, he'll realize that not only should he do what you want, but he should also act fast.
- For example, try saying something like, "You know, I heard they won't be making this model anymore. If you want one, maybe you should buy it now, before you have to spend three times as much to get one on eBay."
- This kind of language and persuasion should be the last resort, because you usually only get to implement it once. People quickly realize that you are just leveraging their fear to get what you want. Once you play this card, they won't trust anything else you say. Such a reputation quickly makes its way, so be careful.
Part 4 of 4: Live Healthier Experiences
Step 1. Analyze why you feel this way
It is important that you understand one thing: being moved by the need to control another person is usually not healthy. Just as you don't want an individual to dominate you, it's reasonable that other people don't want to live this way. Your need to check, however, is usually a symptom of a more serious problem. Broadly speaking, it happens because another situation in your life is uncontrollable. Since other aspects of your existence seem out of control to you, you want to exercise it on another person so that you feel more confident. You need to understand that controlling another person will not improve the situation, and finding another way to actually fix the problem will have a much better impact on your life.
For example, maybe you want any girl you meet by chance to fall in love with you. Nonetheless, what really worries you is feeling that you will never find the right woman for you, so you cling to this girl that under normal circumstances you wouldn't even like (or don't even have anything in common with her). A better tactic for dealing with the situation would be to start looking in the right places so that you know a person who is really right for you. While you may not be able to find the ideal girl immediately, at least you will know that the sea is full of fish
Step 2. You need to anticipate that things may not go your way
If you are going to have satisfying experiences and willingly accept most of what happens to you, you need to understand that many things in life do not go your way. As a wise man once wrote, "Apparently the world is not a factory for granting wishes." If you know that trying to persuade someone won't necessarily go as planned, then you'll better prepare yourself for the disappointment you'll feel when it does. If, on the other hand, you manage to win it, it will be a nice surprise. In short, however it goes, it will be a success.
Step 3. Let go of this need to dominate everything
We cannot control everything in our life, and most importantly, we cannot control people. When you feel the need to dominate everything, it creates a lot of stress and negative feelings inside. In the long run, they may even make you feel worse than you would have felt if you had simply let events evolve naturally. Letting go of your need to control will help you let go and enjoy life more.
- Ask yourself a question: "Why do I need to dominate this situation? What happens when I am not in control?". You probably think things will go wrong if you don't keep everything under control. However, who can say that what happens is wrong? Even a negative result could actually turn into a positive outcome that will reveal itself later.
- For example, maybe you want to control the girl you like and get her to go out with you. However, if you can persuade her to do so, you may find that she is in fact obnoxious, manipulative, or wrong for you in one way or another. At that point, you will find yourself trapped by the situation, and you will have negative experiences by attending it! You certainly don't want such a thing to happen to you.
Step 4. Embrace the natural flow of life and relationships
It is much healthier to let life take its course than to try to control every single aspect of it. When you realize that things don't always go according to plan, you will be much happier and feel more relaxed.
- Start embracing this concept by letting go of little things, like letting the waiter suggest a dish to try when you eat in a restaurant.
- You can also cultivate the ability to accept a situation by exposing yourself to more experiences that are beyond your control, such as traveling to an unfamiliar place.
Step 5. Seek control elsewhere in your life
Many times, we go to great lengths to control others because we feel we cannot manage our lives properly. Before you try to intrude on other people's lives, try to identify areas in your life where you can change the way you act in order to have more control over what happens to you. This is much healthier than the negative interactions that often arise in an attempt to dominate others.
For example, you could prepare an agenda and commit to sticking to it in order to carve out more time to get work done and do it well. This will be much more useful to you than trying to check on your colleagues to take care of your job for you
Advice
- For lasting domination, make sure you are always agreeable, hide all the negative traits of your character.
- Make sure no one knows you're up to something so you can get away with it.
- If you want to understand how to control someone, it helps to know what it feels like to be controlled, and to be aware of it.
Warnings
- Even if you've paid someone to obey you, that doesn't mean they'll do it automatically. Just remember Bane in the movie The Dark Knight Returns: He killed the man who financed him.
- It is so difficult to control police and other legal or government officials that it is almost impossible to do so. They have a distinct power that thinkers call "legitimate". Furthermore, it is virtually impossible to reward or punish these people, unless you have more power than them by law.
