Criticism is never funny, whether it comes from a well-meaning English teacher or your enemy-friend. If criticism is meant to be constructive, then you can use it to improve yourself as a person. But, if their only purpose is to hurt you, then you can work on shaking them off like you would with a bad habit. So, how to deal with them? Read these steps to find out.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Change Your Perspective
Step 1. Know the difference between constructive and destructive criticism
This is the first step in being able to deal with it. You need to know where the feedback is coming from and understand the intentions of the person who is giving it to you. If he is a professor or a superior, then it is likely that this person just wants your performance to be better; but, when they come from an alleged friend, an enemy-friend or even an enemy, then you must ask yourself if this person is actually doing it for a good purpose.
- If you are sure that criticism is totally useless, completely senseless and only meant to hurt you, then you can move on to the third section of the article to understand how to deal with the destructive ones.
- Constructive criticism, in theory, is to help you. Destructive criticism, on the other hand, has the sole purpose of hurting you.
- Try to focus on the message and the way it is communicated to you. It's hard to tell if a person is actually telling you something legitimate that you can work on, if they're yelling at you, or if they're just acting like you're a nuisance.
Step 2. Accept that you are not perfect
This is a great way to deal with criticism. If you want to be able to accept some feedback, then you can't keep thinking that you never make mistakes. No one is perfect, everyone has some flaws, and if you don't see any in yourself, then you aren't analyzing yourself as closely as you should.
- Make a list of your 10 biggest flaws. Exactly. 10! Can you think of 10 things that need improvement? How about 15? This exercise is not intended to make you feel bad about yourself: its only purpose is to make you understand that there is always room for improvement.
- Think of all the people you know. Can you name just one who is perfect but who is not a movie star? And remember that most movie stars also have some flaws, however visibly small they may be.
Step 3. Don't take it personally
If you want to know how to deal with criticism better, then you can't have this attitude. If your boss were to tell you that you have been a little less productive than usual lately, he does not say it because he thinks you are fat and lazy, he supports it because he wants you to do, as his employee, what you were hired for. If your best friend points out that you tend to get distracted when she says something, don't think she's calling you a bad friend and a zombie, she just wants her to communicate a little better.
- When criticism is constructive, then their intent is to guide you and help you improve as a person, not make you feel bad and inadequate.
- If your teacher has given you fairly critical feedback regarding an essay, they have not done so because they think you are stupid or annoying in the classroom; he does this because he thinks you need to put in a little more effort when you have to make an argument.
Step 4. Work on being less sensitive
If you always find yourself crying, getting defensive, and generally feeling sad when someone gives you what they wanted to be helpful feedback, then you need to start working on making your skin thicker. Work on accepting your flaws and being able to do something in areas where you can improve. If you never get better, then you will find yourself on a flat line, and you don't want that to happen to you, do you? Try focusing on the message and its intention to help you instead of focusing on all the "bad" or "hurtful" things that have been said to you.
- Think about the person the message came from. Your boss probably didn't just send you a rude email to be obnoxious or to make you feel bad. He probably wants you to do a better job.
- Check your emotions. You don't have to burst into tears every time someone says a negative word.
- Work on your reputation. If people think you're too sensitive, they'll be less likely to tell you the truth, and you don't want people to feel like they're walking on eggs every time they talk to you, don't you?
Method 2 of 3: Addressing the Constructive Criticism
Step 1. Try to really understand what you have been told
If you want to deal with criticism, then you need to understand the message they are hiding. If you have determined that the purpose of criticism is to be constructive, then you must know how to interpret it in order to understand what to do to improve yourself. Sometimes, you may focus too much on the offensive aspects of the feedback, and your pride may be too hurt that you don't see what's right in front of you.
- Of course, the 5 you were awarded for the English essay didn't make you jump for joy. But was your teacher trying to tell you that you are stupid and that you are a terrible writer? Probably not. He wanted to suggest that you do more research on your arguments and use more hard evidence to support what you stand for. Also, it would have been much better to actually stick to the given word limit, wouldn't it?
- If your friend has told you that you are obsessed with yourself, this surely hurt you. But could there be something useful behind that message? Maybe your friend is telling you that you should have more empathy and that you should spend more time thinking about others and less about yourself.
Step 2. Try to understand if there is any truth in what they tell you
If the feedback comes from a person who has your best interests at heart, then you need to consider the possibility that there really is some truth to their words. You've probably even heard similar comments before. If 10 people have told you that you are selfish, or if your last three girlfriends have told you that you are emotionally distant, they can't all be wrong, can they? Take a moment to consider the possibility that this person may indeed be right.
Step 3. Create a strategy to address the problem
Okay, you've decided that your English teacher, boss, boyfriend or best friend is completely right, or at least partly right. Now, you need to write down the thing you need to work on and make a plan to deal with it. This can take a long time and it's never too late to get started. Once you have created a program, a way to regulate your expectations and actions, you can begin to implement the criticism and become a better person.
- If your English teacher is right that you need to do more research, then you decide to spend twice as much time reading your sources before preparing an argument next time.
- If your boss tells you you're disorganized, work on systematically tidying up your desk, inbox, and spreadsheets until you feel more in control.
- If your boyfriend tells you that you need too much attention, work on giving him more space by spending more time alone or with your friends.
Step 4. Thank this person for their honesty (if they were also kind)
In case you have received criticism communicated in a friendly and helpful way, or just in a way that was meant to be honest and clear, then take the time to thank the person in question and tell them that you appreciate that told you something that can help improve you.
Thanking people who give you honest criticism is also a sign of maturity. Swallow the bitter morsel and say "Thank you", even if you are grinding your teeth
Step 5. Stop making excuses
If someone makes a valid criticism of you, stop making excuses as to why this person is totally wrong, especially if you know that there is some truth behind what they are saying. In case you get defensive and make excuses, then this person won't be able to finish telling you exactly what they wanted to communicate, and you won't get the information you need to really improve. It is natural to get defensive and feel like we don't make mistakes, but it's important to listen to people before putting alleged proofs of our perfection in their faces.
- If someone is explaining something you can do to improve, don't say “But actually I already do…”, unless you feel that this person is really off track.
- If your professor tells you you need to work harder, don't give him a weak excuse as to why you let yourself go. Rather, take note of their feedback and try to do something about it.
- It takes maturity to stay calm instead of making excuses about why this person is wrong when they give you valid feedback instead.
Step 6. Remember that constructive criticism can make you a better person
Of course, it's hard to accept even the world's best-intentioned criticism willingly, especially if you're convinced you're perfect and never wrong. But, if you are so into being an amazing person, then remind yourself that being aware of your flaws and shortcomings and making a plan to find a solution will make you an even better person.
Next time you hear constructive criticism, accept it! It's a bit like Kelly Clarkson said: "What doesn't kill you (in this case the criticism) makes you stronger."
Method 3 of 3: Facing the Destructive Criticism
Step 1. Try to understand this person's true motivation
If you have spotted a completely destructive and cruel criticism, then you can think about why this person might have said such a thing, in order to make yourself feel better. Maybe a girl was jealous of your new outfit and told you you dress like a bad guy. Maybe a guy told you you're not a good writer because he's jealous of you, that you just published a story. Maybe the person who criticized you was just in a bad mood and took it out on someone else to let off steam. Whatever the reason, remind yourself that it had little to do with who you are.
Put yourself in his shoes. Try to understand why she did this. While words may still sting you, it may make you feel better. If your co-worker yelled at you for no reason, but you remember that she is facing a divorce, then you will start to be a little more understanding, right?
Step 2. Find some shreds of truth
Okay, maybe the criticism has been communicated in a really bad, insensitive and cruel way and most of the things that have been said are out of place and senseless. Perhaps your colleague told you that you are a "complete disaster" or a friend of yours has told you that you are "completely selfish", but you think they are not right at all. Take a minute to think about it though: do you need to brush up on your organizational skills? Have you been known for a long time to be selfish from time to time? If so, perhaps you should reconsider your actions without feeling hurt by the way the criticisms have been expressed.
True, it is very difficult to take someone seriously if they are shouting, insulting you or, in general, treating you with very little respect. This makes it almost impossible to give weight to the words spoken. But, if you want to be a better person, try to find a hidden message in case there is one
Step 3. Remember that words can never physically harm you
What did your mother tell you? The stick, the stone and the beating break your bones, but words don't. Sure, you thought it was stupid in third grade, but now that you're so much older, it's starting to make sense. In the end, destructive criticism is not bullets, swords or atomic bombs, it is just a series of words connected together in a way whose purpose is to make you feel terrible. So, remind yourself that criticism only consists of a "group of words".
Criticism can't steal your money, slap you, or destroy your car. So don't let them touch you
Step 4. Stay confident
The most important thing you can do is to stay safe. No matter what people say about you, you need to stay strong, remember who you are and not let other people affect your self-esteem. Being confident doesn't mean thinking you're flawless, but it means loving yourself for who you are and how you look. If you are really confident, then you won't let people who can't stand you make you depressed or have a lower opinion of yourself.
- If you are unhappy with who you are, ask yourself why. Make a list of some things you don't like about yourself and figure out what to do in order to change.
- Being confident also means accepting the things you cannot change about yourself. For example, if you don't like being so tall, you shouldn't plan on hunching over for the rest of your life, but start loving your long legs.
- Being with people who make you feel good about yourself is a small but important thing to make you feel more confident. If you spend time with someone who always discourages you, then nothing will change, you won't feel good about yourself.
Step 5. Keep doing what you are doing
For example, you were told that someone thinks you are a pimp with teachers. Will you start participating in class less? Or, your colleague said he doesn't like the way you are, because all you do is work. Will you stop being who you are if it works for you? Of course not. If you haven't received valid criticism and you know that what people are saying to you is only because they are jealous, angry, or just plain cruel, then there is no need to change your routine to please others.
- If the criticisms have no basis, then the best thing you can do is ignore them completely.
- Don't feel bad if you can't put all these negative words aside right away. It takes practice to stop worrying about what people think.
Advice
- You should be polite to people so they don't always use harsh words.
- Criticism should give you constructive advice to improve your shortcomings. If you're trying to figure out how to deal with insults, read articles about this on wikiHow.
- If the criticism has no basis, ignore what was said or contact the person who started criticizing you.
Warnings
- People might think you're weird if you want people to criticize you for making you better.
- Don't go straight to the people who criticize you by telling them that they are wrong and that they should stop attacking you, this will make no difference whether they are right or not.
