Shyness is the discomfort you may feel in social contexts that prevents you from being able to achieve your personal and work goals. Do you consider yourself a shy person? Does the thought of talking to a stranger cause your stomach to tighten? Don't despair, shyness is a very common problem. Just like any other undesirable feature, it can still be overcome by using the right tools.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Gaining Self Confidence
Step 1. Decide what you want to change and why
Are you bothered by your being introverted in social contexts? Do you tend to have difficulty in superficial conversations and in showing your feelings, do you take constant breaks or other practical problems when talking? Or maybe you can be quite sociable, but you want to stop constantly feeling uncomfortable and insecure.
Also ask yourself how much you really want to change, not everyone is or can be a "social butterfly". Don't waste your time comparing yourself to others. Don't tell yourself you should be like them. Such a negative attitude can only make you feel even more different, alone and, in extreme cases, even inferior
Step 2. Reframe your thoughts
Often a stream of negative thoughts flows through the minds of socially anxious people. "I look awkward", "Nobody talks to me" or "Most likely I look like an idiot" are all thoughts that move in a whirlwind. You will surely agree that all of these ideas are highly negative and only serve to make you feel even more shy and embarrassed.
- Try to lose this bad habit by becoming aware of the times you fall prey to these streams of negative thoughts and try to defy the logic. For example, just because you feel nervous in a crowd or at a party doesn't mean you look awkward, there are most likely other people who are just as tense.
- Reformulating thoughts does not simply mean giving them a positive connotation, it also involves taking a more realistic perspective. Many negative thoughts arise from completely irrational beliefs. Look for evidence that challenges them and find another way to assess the situation.
Step 3. Focus on the outside world rather than yourself
This is an essential element for anyone who wants to overcome their shyness or social anxiety. Although unintentional, most shy people tend to constantly direct attention to themselves during conversations. Maintaining awareness solely about yourself makes you a victim of your own discomfort. Research has shown that this could be a key factor that determines why people can experience a panic attack even after experiencing a not-too-tense moment.
- Instead of noticing that you have been shy, or that you have said something embarrassing, try to take a lighter or more self-deprecating attitude about your shortcomings. Laugh at it or move on without paying too much attention to what you consider to be flaws. Most people will prove to be able to understand your state of mind; feeling connected as a human being is easier than you think.
- Show interest in others and their surroundings. You may think that everyone is looking at you all the time, but in general, people will not tend to judge you. In such situations the culprit is your distorted perception of reality. Others are busy doing their thing and in most cases they don't have time to think about you.
- Believing that shy people are necessarily also introverted means having a wrong belief. Introverted people love solitude and recharge by spending time alone. Shy people, on the other hand, have a strong desire to relate to others, but fear that they will not measure up or be judged.
Step 4. Observe those who move confidently in any social context
Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Of course, you shouldn't exactly replicate what you see others doing, but watching someone who is socially cool can help you figure out how to handle some situations.
If you know the person well, you can also genuinely ask them for advice. Tell her you've noticed how confident she is when she's around people and find out if she has any suggestions for you. You may even be surprised to find that one of the people you admire for their social qualities is actually just as shy as you are
Step 5. If you can't overcome your shyness on your own, try getting help from a therapist
Sometimes being extremely shy can indicate the presence of a social anxiety disorder. Individuals affected by these psychic pathologies have a considerable fear of the judgment of others, to the point of having very few (or no) relationships of friendship or love.
Your therapist will help you figure out if you have a social anxiety disorder and together you can work to develop healthier thought patterns and greater self-confidence so that you no longer have to avoid people and social situations
Part 2 of 2: Talk to New People
Step 1. Let yourself be approached
Would you like to meet someone who always has a sad expression and an eye to the floor? Most likely not. Our body language allows others to draw conclusions about us even when we are not speaking. Stop looking at your shoes, make eye contact, and try to show a slight confident smile.
- Open body language sends a clear message: "I'd be happy to interact". When sitting, lean your torso slightly towards your interlocutor, open your legs and arms and maintain a relaxed posture.
- Understand that body language not only determines how people perceive you, but also your behavior. Research shows that certain "positions of power", including a relaxed posture and open arms, determine whether the person feels a leader and victorious. On the other hand, closing in on oneself as if in a fetal position generates a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability.
- A well-known "Ted Talk" shows how these positions of power and domination are valid for all living beings, from humans, to primates to birds. The premise of the speaker is that by intentionally assuming one of these positions of power while feeling insecure, we begin to believe that we are truly authoritative. This means that you have the possibility to check your level of self-confidence at any time.
- Taking a position of power for two to five minutes is actually capable of altering your brain chemistry, increasing testosterone and reducing stress hormones. Even just visualizing such positions can make you feel more confident and help you start taking risks.
Step 2. Get into the fray
The best way to meet new people is to go to places that allow you to meet them. Attend the school prom or office Christmas party. Try to make at least one new acquaintance by the end of the night. Sign up for your city's next Open Mic and read the poems you wrote during your high school years.
- One researcher said the best way to overcome his shyness was to get hired as a salesman at a fast food restaurant. Working at McDonald's during his teens forced him to interact every day with people who were completely strangers to him. While admitting that in some social contexts he still feels uncomfortable, it is certain that that experience helped him to establish himself despite his shyness.
- Ask friends to introduce you to some of the people they know. It's a great way to meet new people. Plus, you won't have to worry about having to approach a stranger alone because your friend will act as an intermediary. Spend some time with this person, then gradually expand your acquaintances by starting chatting with their friends.
Step 3. Practice speaking
While it may seem like a weird activity, stand in front of a mirror or close your eyes and imagine you are talking to someone. Feeling prepared to enter an unfamiliar social setting can help you keep anxiety under control. Try to think of your interactions as dialogue from a movie. Imagine being the leader of the group and involving other people. Then apply what you have learned in real life as well.
Step 4. Show off your talents
Getting stronger will make you feel more confident around others, and will also make you look more attractive and interesting to them. For example, if you like art, consider creating a play design. It will be easier to excel in a field you know well. Find ways to connect with people who share the same interests or passions as you. By simply dedicating yourself passionately to what you do well, you will be able to attract many new friends.
Step 5. Compliment people
There is no need to overdo it. Some of the most interesting conversations started with a simple "I like your shirt, did you buy it from (store name)?". Compliments spontaneously generate a positive impression in us of those who bestow them because they make us feel good. Last but not least, you too will feel good about being nice to someone and be inclined to smile.
- If you know the person, call them by name when paying them a compliment. Also, be specific. Don't just say "You look great", say "I like your new hairstyle, the color fits your complexion perfectly."
- Make an effort to give three to five compliments every day to people you meet on the street or during normal daily chores. Try not to select the same person twice. Notice how many conversations can arise from a compliment and how many people will feel better after you meet them.
Step 6. Advance gradually
Try to take short steps that are easily broken down and identifiable. This way you will always have something new to learn and you can proudly keep track of your successes. Keep moving forward, for example by starting conversations with strangers or looking for new opportunities to connect with others. Remember to celebrate your every little progress, whether it's being able to compliment someone or successfully challenging your negative thoughts.
Advice
- Try to take one small step per week, or per day. For example, if you are having a hard time keeping a conversation going, try to always talk a little longer each time you talk to someone. A good way to do this is to ask your interlocutor questions.
- Some people feel it is difficult to travel alone to certain places. Try going to the movies alone. In the darkness of the room, there will be no way to show yourself shy. Also, people around you will think that you feel confident enough to be there on your own. As the Anglo-Saxons say "Fake it until you make it" or "Pretend to have what you want until you get it".
- If you need help, say so. Keeping your thoughts to yourself will only make you feel more and more anxious and fail to achieve your goal.
- Talk to random people, even those you don't know. Be courteous and nice, you'll soon have a fantastic reputation.
- Play a team sport, it's a great way to meet new people, get out of the shell of shyness and show off your athletic talents.
- Joining a conversation is always good, with friends or with anyone. However, sometimes it is also good to just listen. Being able to hear and understand what is happening is an advantage that comes from shyness.
Warnings
- Overcoming shyness is a burdensome task. Don't expect to be able to become expansive overnight. You will have to be patient, remember that "Rome was not built in a day".
- Be yourself and don't let anyone denigrate you.
