If you think you are a domineering person with an obsession with control, you probably expect every person and every event in your life to be a certain way. You get frustrated when your significant other, friend or colleague doesn't behave the way you expected, or when a meeting, party or any Sunday afternoon doesn't go exactly as planned. If you feel the urge to oversee absolutely everything too much to make it exactly perfect and how you want it to be, it's time to relax, step back and accept the fact that you can't have everything under control. When you have succeeded in doing this, you will see that you will have much more satisfaction in giving up some control than in holding onto it. Go to Step 1 to begin your path to being less domineering.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part 1: Changing the Mindset
Step 1. Stop being a perfectionist
One of the reasons you are in control may be that you have a desire for everything to be perfect. You may not want someone to visit you if your home isn't spotless; or spend an extra hour sifting through a report for typos and finding none at the end. After a while, this kind of behavior doesn't help you or others. In fact, it just has the effect of hurting you and keeping you away from living your life. Remember that being a perfectionist is itself a kind of imperfection, and the sooner you let go of the need to be perfect, the sooner you can move on with your life instead of analyzing every little detail.
- Think about it: if you don't want to have guests in your house because it's not perfect, you're more likely to be judged for not wanting visitors than for having a couple of misplaced pillows.
- Perfectionism slows people down. While it has its positives to be thorough, it also has its downsides. Rereading a report once to check for typos is being responsible; rereading it two or three times is a waste of time.
Step 2. Work on your self-esteem
In the end, the problem often boils down to the fact that many people who over-control everything need to work on their own self-esteem. You probably obsessively monitor your friendships or relationships because you think people don't like you or they don't want to be with you if you don't tell them everything to do. You may think that you are not good enough for them and fear that by letting someone get their own idea about you, they may find that they don't like you. You have to stop with these arguments and realize that you are a wonderful and deserving person, you just have to learn to relax a little.
Talking to a therapist or close friend about your self-esteem issues, anxiety, or any other possible cause of your domineering behavior can help a lot. It can help you get to the root of the problem that makes you so obsessed with control
Step 3. Try to manage your anxiety
Another reason that could make you despotic is the fact that you are very anxious, that you always think that the worst can happen to you and you are terrified of facing the unknown. If this is your case, then you need to relax and understand that it is not the end of the world even if you find yourself facing unknown situations. Imagine all the scenarios that could arise, not just the worst one, and you will feel much better.
Sure, it takes time to learn how to control your anxiety, but yoga, meditation, cutting down on caffeine, or finding time to seek out the roots of your problems can be very helpful
Step 4. Stop being right all the time
Despotic people are often obsessed with proving that they have the best idea of how to do things or that they have the right opinion about absolutely everything on earth. If you want to reduce your control of things around you, every now and then you have to accept that others may be right too and you have to understand that it is not the end of the world if you don't know the answer to something or if someone else has more experience or a greater knowledge of a given situation.
- Think about it: what's the worst that can happen if you don't know the answer to something? It happens to everyone sooner or later. You may think that people will judge you or consider you inferior, but that's not true. In fact, they are much more likely to consider you spoiled if you never admit that you are wrong.
- Part of not always being right is opening yourself up to vulnerability. Nobody says it will be pleasant, but this is the way to trust people and show that you are just human. You want people to be able to relate to you, right?
Step 5. Practice acceptance
If you want to stop being domineering, you need to improve your ability to accept things as they are. While it's a good thing to see what needs improvement and do something to change it, it's different to over-oversee and change every little thing until it's exactly how you want it. Work on your ability to accept the general sense of things at work, at home, and in your relationships.
Of course, revolutions start with people who see that a big change is needed and work hard to get there. But we're not talking about Che Guevara here. We just want you to feel comfortable with the reality around you, rather than trying to "fix" problems that don't really exist
Step 6. Know that giving up some control can be as rewarding as holding it
Maybe you think that planning a project detail by detail or planning your wedding from start to finish without any help will make you feel strong, possibly invincible. Of course, it shows strength to be able to fully control a situation. But do you know what else you will try? Exhaustion. Stress. Not to be able to measure them. Letting someone help you, or even take the lead, can be the best reward.
- Instead of pushing yourself, you will learn to love the idea of working with other people to achieve a common goal… or even appreciate having them work a little more while you take a break.
- Start small. You don't have to delegate all the tasks of a large business project right away. Instead, let your co-worker decide where to go for lunch. It has been difficult? If it wasn't, try taking it a step further in your relinquishment of control and see how you feel.
Method 2 of 3: Part 2: Trust Others
Step 1. Learn to trust other people
One of the most important things you need to do is realize that other people are just as competent, intelligent, and hardworking. Of course, unfortunately, not everyone is alike. It is understandable that you are not asking your messy little sister to help you clean the kitchen, or that you are not giving Roberto Il Pigro the task of fixing a relationship for you; some people around us just can't help us. But there are many other valuable and useful people, and if you want to live a happier life, you need to learn to believe in them, so they can make their own decisions and help you.
Think about it: If you always tell your boyfriend, your best friend, or your lab colleague exactly what to do, how will they feel? They will likely think you don't trust them because you think they're not as smart / gifted / wonderful as you are. Is this what you want the people you care about to think?
Step 2. Delegation
If you want to stop being so domineering, you need to learn how to delegate tasks to other people. Gone are the days when you took charge of everything and then bored everyone with your talk about how bossy and stressed you have become. Now you have to learn how to delegate tasks to others, whether it is a co-worker who has to help you on a project or a friend who you ask to come by to get appetizers for a party you have organized. As you begin to believe in other people, you will also learn to ask them to help you.
Sure, it takes humility to ask for help, but you'll get used to it. Everyone needs help at certain times in their life, and you are no different
Step 3. Listen and learn from others
In addition to trusting people and being able to delegate, you should be convinced that you can learn from them. Maybe you feel like you are the only one who has something to teach others; actually if you open the doors to other people and listen to them, you will find that you were wrong. You can't be the expert on everything, and there will always be other people who have more knowledge or experience on certain subjects. When you learn to step back and truly listen to others, you will find that you have a lot to learn.
Don't interrupt people. Let them finish talking and take the time to think about it before expressing your opinion
Step 4. Let people remain themselves
Everyone can improve, but you have to stop trying to change people to make them who you want them to be. You have to learn to let them be who they are and behave as they please, without having to conform to your way of living and thinking. Sure, if your boyfriend does something that pisses you off, you need to talk about it, but you can't expect him to turn into a completely different person, as he can't ask you to be someone you're not.
It is one thing to have room for improvement and the ability to help others become a better version of themselves. Completely different is trying to change them into something they are not
Step 5. Work on your jealousy issues
Many of the reasons why you are a domineering person may have to do with jealousy. You may be jealous because if you don't tell your best friend where to go, you're afraid she might go out with other friends. You're jealous because if your boyfriend doesn't call you all the time, you're afraid he might be with another girl. You have to learn to value yourself and believe that other people can have the same consideration as you. If you have real reasons to be jealous that's one thing, but if it's just in your head, you need to work hard to have a more rational mindset and a healthier outlook.
- Ask yourself why you have a tendency to be jealous. Is it due to previous betrayals, or is it your own insecurity?
- If you want a relationship that is healthy and beneficial for both of you, you need to be able to curb those feelings of jealousy.
Method 3 of 3: Part 3: Take action
Step 1. If what you do doesn't help, then stop
Of course, in some situations having everything under control is useful. If your child misbehaves, you need to set rules. If your boyfriend is always late for work, remind him to set the alarm. But if your over-controlling behavior clearly doesn't improve the situation, it may be time to let go. You have to acknowledge that you are just interfering and unnecessarily ingesting yourself in a situation that you cannot resolve; you have to learn to stop.
For example, if you continue to oversee one of your employees excessively and the only result you get is resentment and low productivity, it might be time to cut it down. If your best friend is depressed because she lost her job and you call her every day to see if she has sent out resumes and it just pisses her off, you should stop
Step 2. Talk to a friend about your difficulties
It can be helpful to have another point of view on your overly controlling behavior. Just talking to someone about your feelings and willingness to change can greatly improve your behavior. If you are going through this alone, it will be harder to find the motivation to truly change your mindset. The love and support of a friend can help you see that you are capable of change and that you can truly make progress and begin to feel better.
You might also meet regularly with your friend to discuss your progress. If you tell someone else about your intentions, you will feel held accountable for your progress and will be more motivated to change
Step 3. Stop giving advice to everyone
Another thing that despotic people do is continually give "advice" to others on every little thing, from how they should behave in their relationships to what they should order for dinner. This "advice" you give is more of a command or a disguised order, and you must learn to avoid this type of behavior. When your input is needed or when you believe you can really help, giving advice can be a good thing, but in general you should avoid giving suggestions to everyone, especially if they are not required.
If you tell people that what you "recommend" is the best thing to do, you will get a reputation as a know-it-all
Step 4. Stop scheduling every second of your day
Despotic people love to program, to program and more to program. They know exactly what time they will get out of bed, how many teaspoons of sugar they will put in their coffee, what time they will get in the car to get home and what they will wear each day of the week. If you want to stop being domineering, you have to learn to let this go. True, it is important to be organized and to know that you are going in the right direction, but it is equally important to allow some leeway for changes, and you must accept that you will not know exactly what will happen every second of your day.
- Trial. Start the weekend with nothing planned and do what you feel like doing at that moment. If you get a last minute invitation to do something fun, you should accept it.
- While many people love to keep a diary, make sure you have at least ten hours off during the week that you have nothing planned. Then it goes to fifteen or even twenty. This way you will learn to relax and see that everything is fine even if you don't know exactly what will happen.
Step 5. Go with the flow
People with control freaks tend to avoid taking the ball, they avoid going on spontaneous trips or doing something crazy simply because they felt it at the moment. They have a plan and are determined to follow it at all costs. It's time to get rid of all of this and be yourself and hang out with other people not knowing what's going to happen.
Next time you're with a group of people, hold your tongue when deciding what to do. Let others decide. You will see that it is not as bad as you thought
Step 6. Be more flexible
If you want to become less obsessed with control, you need to make room for some flexibility in your daily schedule. Maybe at the last minute there is a mishap with your boyfriend and you have to move your appointment to the next day. Is it the end of the world? Or your meeting at work is rescheduled for the afternoon; your sister needs your help with her children because no one else can help her. Learn to take what life has to offer and be flexible enough not to make a tragedy if your week turns out not to be what you expected.
To be truly flexible, you need to recognize that ultimately a couple of unexpected events in a week or last minute changes don't have a huge impact on your life. As you learn to accept this, you will feel much freer and more open to various possibilities
Advice
- Remember that life is beautiful. Be thankful for the luck you have. You will be less afraid of losing something and you will be less inclined to control if you acquire a certain inclination towards gratitude.
- Fight for yourself. Don't try to convince others that you are no longer domineering; do it for you. If you try to change an opinion you are again imposing your control. Accept that you cannot control every situation and every person; just yourself.
- Life is sweeter when you take it as it comes. When someone flirts with you or realizes they are incredibly in love with you, and you haven't done anything about it, it's a great feeling! Learning to enjoy life and love yourself is a wonderful journey.
