Are you obsessed with the relentless need to save the people around you or find a solution to their troubles? The savior, or white knight syndrome, is a personality construct that, at first glance, appears to be motivated solely by the urge to help. In reality, it is unhealthy and can often provide the affected person with an anchor to hold on to and which allows them to ignore their problems. If you suffer from savior syndrome, you can be cured. Fight it by changing the way you relate to others, focusing on your needs and tracing back to the root of compulsive behavior in helping people.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Building Healthier Relational Patterns
Step 1. Listen actively
Keep in mind that often people just want to let off steam, not be rescued. A big problem for many "saviors" is that they take it for granted that others are powerless and unable to solve their problems. If you learn to listen more actively, you will be able to understand that no concrete intervention is needed, just a shoulder to cry on and a little understanding.
- When your partner or friend describes a problem to you, try to understand it instead of responding immediately. Look him in the eye. Stand in front of him and examine his body language to empathize with his emotional state (for example, strained shoulders can express fear or hesitation).
- Communicate without using words, but just nod to show you're paying attention. Try to separate your interlocutor's speech from your judgments in order to get his message. If you are not sure what he is trying to express, ask for further explanations, such as: "Are you saying that …?".
Step 2. Wait before taking action
In addition to listening carefully to what he says, fight the need to help him and wait. You may find that whoever is in front of you is able to help themselves if given the chance. Indeed, if you are always ready to resolve his situations, this attitude could subconsciously lead him to consider himself incapable or adopt a dysfunctional behavior.
- Make it a point not to offer help or advice when a loved one talks to you about a problem. Repeat in mind: "I can offer my presence without saving anyone or finding a solution to the troubles of others."
- If a friend is having a hard time, try comforting him instead of helping him. For example, you might say, "I'm very sorry you're going through this." You will show him that you understand him without being overwhelmed by his problem.
Step 3. Offer your help only if asked
An important aspect of savior syndrome is the ingrained desire to provide relief even when it is not wanted. The presumption that everyone wants to be saved can actually be offensive because it shows that there is no confidence in the individual's ability to resolve situations. Only hold back if you get a clear call for help.
- For example, if a friend tells you they had a bad day, just listen to them and offer no solution. Only if he asks you "What do you think?" or "What should I do?", you should offer him a hand.
- If he solicits your help, only offer the best you are willing to give. Set boundaries so that you don't get overly involved in her situation. For example, you might say, "I don't think I can talk to the other person for you. What I can do is help you not think about the fight you had."
Step 4. Stop taking responsibility for others
Despite the close relationship you may have with your partner, relative or friend, you need to understand that each of them is an individual in their own right who has to take care of their life. When you put on the role of the savior, you put your interlocutor in the position of a helpless child or a disabled person.
- It is difficult to see a loved one suffer or fail, but it is not your job to help them or solve every negative situation they face.
- In fact, adversity is often necessary for personal growth and evolution. Difficulties must be overcome to improve. If you cancel them, you take away the opportunity for others to learn.
- To help people be independent, try asking how they would handle a given situation. You might ask, "What do you think you can do about it?" or "What options do you have?".
Step 5. Accept that you are not perfect
Many people with savior syndrome tend to condemn the mistakes or negative habits of others. Even if it is not your intention, people who love you may suspect that behind your obsession with saving them you harbor the belief that they are useless or incapable.
- Everyone has their flaws. The inability to recognize one's own is a flaw!
- Realize that the definition of "success" is subjective. What's right for someone can be wrong for someone else. What you think is best for a person does not necessarily correspond to his or her vision of things.
- Avoid making assumptions about what is right for others. This is especially true in relationships between peers. Certain situations, such as cases of violence, drug use or threats of suicide, are clearly dangerous and require immediate action.
- Accept your strengths and weaknesses. You can be the best person to perform a certain task or offer advice, or you may not. Nobody is capable of doing everything.
Part 2 of 3: Focus on Yourself
Step 1. Choose to be single
Often the savior and the white knight jump from one relationship to another, "saving" helpless or suffering individuals. If you see yourself in this description, maybe it's time to take a break. If you're not engaged and dating, take the time to enjoy being single and meet your needs.
- By being alone for a while, you can become more aware of your tendency to compulsively help or save people. You will also have time to understand some of the sides of your character that fuel this conduct.
- You may want to set a time frame to stay single to deliver on this goal. For example, try giving yourself six months. In the meantime, set goals for personal improvement.
Step 2. Set concrete goals
Compulsive "rescuers" often go out of their way to fix the problems of others and compromise their personal growth. Additionally, considering themselves saviors, they pursue unrealistic goals that eventually wear down self-esteem. On the contrary, you can get back on your feet by setting attainable goals.
- Choose a goal that allows you to focus only on yourself. For example, you might lose weight or write a novel. Make it SMART - that is, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and temporally defined.
- You may decide: "I want to lose 6 pounds in 10 weeks". Then, try to figure out how to proceed: "I will eat a portion of vegetables with each meal. I will train 5 days a week. I will drink only water."
- Review your goals with another person. It could tell you if they are concrete or not, but also suggest some ideas to achieve them.
Step 3. Learn to take care of yourself
Most of the time, those with savior syndrome devote so much time and energy to others that they no longer have any for themselves. So, compensate for the excessive need to offer your help by doing something nice for yourself. Establish a routine that includes various activities that allow you to take care of your personal care.
- You could create a nighttime ritual for better sleep. Change your physical activity, choosing running or yoga. Go to the hairdresser or beautician every week. Alternatively, just take a warm bath and listen to some soothing music. Focus on yourself.
- Ask a friend or family member to help you not give up. In fact, he will have to make sure that everything is proceeding according to the plans you have established. Ask him to update often on your developments.
Part 3 of 3: Addressing the Major Problems
Step 1. Examine your behavioral patterns in previous relationships
Are you aware of your innate need to resolve situations or control others? By reading this article, you may be in denial that you suffer from savior syndrome. However, if you take a closer look at how you relate to others, ask yourself if you can spot a pattern of behavior that causes you to compulsively help people.
- Have you ever carried on an unfulfilling relationship because you thought the other person needed you?
- Do you often find yourself worrying about others and their problems?
- Do you feel guilty when someone helps you or goes out of their way for you?
- Do you feel troubled when others are hurting and you quickly try to solve their problems?
- When a relationship is unhealthy, do you end it only to establish another one with a partner who has similar problems to the previous one?
- If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to consult a psychotherapist. It can help you understand if you have dysfunctional behaviors.
Step 2. Identify what you have overlooked in your life
You may not realize that you are ignoring your emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs in an attempt to help those around you. Analyze carefully to better identify everything you need on a personal level. You may find that you have projected your shortcomings onto the people in your life.
- Identify your personal values. What beliefs, ideas and principles guide your decisions and goals? Are you living by your values?
- Examine your emotional intelligence. Are you able to recognize your emotions and express them effectively?
- Consider your self-esteem. Is it conditioned by the consent of others or by what they expect of you?
Step 3. Recognize your childhood traumas or problems and try to reconcile with the past
The compulsive need to save or help others is often rooted in childhood. According to the researchers, those suffering from savior or white knight syndrome go to great lengths to correct the negative view they have of themselves, which arose in early childhood. Low self-esteem, violence or parental inattention may have favored the onset of this complex. Try choosing friends or partners who are going through a similar distress to what you experienced in your childhood.
- Awareness is the first step to be able to heal a negative perception of one's person. Notice the relationship patterns you adopt and be indulgent with yourself. You could also say aloud, "I am attracted to problematic or toxic people because I am trying to save that part of me that was abused when I was a child."
- In addition to considering this connection with childhood, you may want to consult a mental health professional to help you heal the wounds of the past.
Step 4. See a psychotherapist to resolve co-addiction problems
Deep down, those with savior or white knight syndrome also suffer from co-addiction. Co-dependence is about depending on others to fill an emotional void. In a sense, those affected tend to neglect themselves in favor of others because their self-esteem derives from the need to feel needed.
- You can overcome co-addiction by partnering with a mental health professional who specializes in this field.
- You could also join a support group for people with co-addiction problems.
- By learning about this problem, you have the opportunity to understand your needs and behavioral patterns and, consequently, find a solution that suits your needs.
