Performance anxiety can affect both men and women, and can range from unmotivated fear of the possible consequences of sex (pregnancy, STDs, shame) to over-critical self-assessment (worrying about being unsexy, unmanly, not very sensual and so on). Whenever these anxious thoughts and emotions affect sex and performance, the body releases stress hormones that can interfere with sexual arousal and performance. The inability to have sex can cause even greater anxiety, thus creating a vicious circle. Learning to break the cycle of sexual performance anxiety can help a couple have a healthier intimate life and a happier relationship.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Indulge in Sex
Step 1. Talk about your anxieties with the other person
Tell her how you feel and work together to find a solution to these problems.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. When you realize that the other person doesn't think badly or judge you when you show them your most vulnerable side, you can begin to build trust in your relationship and gain greater self-esteem
Step 2. Trust the other person
Some experts believe that sexual performance anxiety is partly rooted in social anxiety. All the thoughts generally associated with this anxiety (such as feeling uncomfortable or unmanly and sensual) are linked to the fear of the judgment of others. It takes time and effort, but couple or one-to-one therapy can help you get rid of personal fears and get you to trust your partner.
Step 3. Be confident
Focus on your character and physical aspects that you prefer. Do you feel insecure due to your weight, your appearance in general, or other specific aesthetic factors? Many specialists agree on one thing: the first step to overcoming self-esteem issues is to accept yourself for who you are - wonderful human beings who deserve to be happy.
Sex doesn't define you or your relationship. Think about the reasons why your partner admires you, learn to feel good about yourself also by virtue of these characteristics
Step 4. Remind yourself of your identity
Sexual performance anxiety is often caused by a sense of guilt or negative emotions that arise from the nature of one's fantasies. It is feared that these erotic mental images may define one's personality and that at some point they will end up being concretely implemented. According to many experts, having fantasies about a particular sexual experience or a certain person does not necessarily mean that you actually have the desire to reproduce them in real life.
- Be open and honest with your partner about your preferences and dislikes, and invite her to do the same.
- Having sexual fantasies and desires is normal. You and your partner can safely share them through RPGs or other tactics.
Method 2 of 3: Change the Way You Have Sex
Step 1. Before sexual intercourse, breathe deeply
Take a moment to focus on your breathing before you start having sex. Take advantage of this moment to free your mind of all those thoughts that could distract you or make you feel even more anxious. If you find it impossible to get rid of the stress accumulated during the day, try to have sex at a less tense time. When you can't relax, trying to have unsuccessful intercourse will cause more stress and anxiety.
Meditation before having sex can also be helpful, as this technique is known to relieve anxiety
Step 2. Take your time
Some couples doctors and psychotherapists recommend taking it easy during foreplay to gradually set the mood. Focus on first contact and stroking. Take advantage of foreplay to take your time to connect with the other person and make sure you are meeting their needs. This can help you to at least partially decrease the pressure.
Step 3. Focus on your partner
While having sex, be aware. Think about every single bodily sensation and attunement to the other person. You can learn to enjoy the more playful part of sex without thinking about orgasm. Try to savor the time spent with your partner and allow yourself to be happy at all times, no matter what happens.
Try not to have too many expectations about sex. Eliminating them can help relieve at least some of the pressure you feel
Step 4. Communicate while having sex
Savor every feeling you share with your partner and talk to her throughout the experience. Communication can help greatly relieve anxiety, but also allow the couple to feel comfortable during sexual intercourse.
When you particularly appreciate something, tell your partner about it
Step 5. Take a little break from sex
Sexologists often advise couples to abstain from sex until the anxious person has overcome the problems associated with their performance. Even though you think you don't need it, it's important to give yourself the option of not wanting sex from time to time, without obsessing about it. This can help alleviate performance anxiety at least partially.
Method 3 of 3: Know When to Contact a Professional
Step 1. Know the symptoms of sexual performance anxiety
It manifests itself in multiple ways. Before learning to deal with it, it is important to understand the physical and psychological dynamics that affect you firsthand. Here are some of the more common signs of this disorder:
- Negative thoughts about sex, sexual performance, and being fascinated by your partner.
- Mental images that constantly revive past negative experiences.
- Shortness of breath and inability to control one's bodily sensations.
- For men, inability to get an erection due to these thoughts and emotions. As a result, forced sexual abstinence (erectile dysfunction) occurs.
- For women, lubrication is not adequate.
- Constant and excessive worry about your own performance.
- A vicious cycle of underperformance that ends up making the problem worse.
Step 2. Find out if the problem is with certain medications
Some prescription medications can reduce a patient's libido or their ability to have healthy sex. Here are some of them:
- Antidepressants (especially from the group of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs), such as clomipramine, amoxapine, amitriptyline, isocarboxazid, phenelzine, tranylcypromine and fluoxetine;
- Tranquilizers, such as thioridazine, fluphenazine, trifluoperazine and chlorpromazine;
- Certain anxiolytics, such as diazepam and alprazolam;
- Blood pressure medicines, such as clonidine, labetalol and methyldopa.
Step 3. Talk to your doctor
Performance anxiety can undoubtedly cause the inability to have an erection or orgasm, but there may also be underlying factors.
- Hormonal imbalances could cause the disorder. If the body does not produce adequate levels of hormones such as testosterone, estrogen or progesterone, there is a risk of decreased sexual desire or an inability to enjoy sex. It can be particularly problematic for people over a certain age. Talk to your doctor about a hormone test if necessary.
- Reduced blood supply can cause decreased sexual pleasure and an inability to get aroused.
- Chronic health problems, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and high blood pressure, could negatively affect arousal and sexual pleasure.
- Mental illnesses, especially depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar disorder, can significantly reduce a person's sexual desire and their ability to enjoy sex.
Step 4. Find out if you have erectile dysfunction (ED)
It usually manifests itself as a decline in sexual desire and an inability to maintain an erection during sex. It could be confused with sexual performance anxiety. It is much more widespread than is believed. For example, about half of all American men over the age of 40 suffer from it. There are many causes, so it's important to talk to a doctor when you notice something is wrong. In this way, it is possible to create a treatment plan, for example it can prescribe drugs that help you get and maintain an erection. Here are some common causes:
- Damaged or blocked blood vessels.
- Nerve damage.
- High cholesterol or blood pressure.
- Obesity.
- Low testosterone.
- Metabolic syndrome.
- Prostate problems, including swelling and cancer.
Step 5. Find out if you are going through menopause
The onset of menopause, which reduces estrogen production, can cause a decrease in sexual desire and mood swings that can be confused with performance anxiety. Many women experience this stage between the ages of 48 and 55, although some already face it before the age of 40 (in this case we speak of premature menopause).
If you believe menopausal symptoms are affecting your sex life, see your gynecologist. Specific treatments are available, including estrogen and testosterone therapy, which can improve sexual desire and allow patients to start enjoying their intimacy again in a serene way
Step 6. Talk to a sex therapist
Treatment can help you get rid of the anxieties that are troubling you. You can go alone or as a couple.
- A therapist can also help you identify problems you didn't know you had. For this, too, a professional perspective can be useful.
- He can give you several tips and techniques to try to decrease anxiety and improve sexual performance.
Step 7. Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TCC)
Some people suffer from sexual performance anxiety due to psychological factors. With this treatment, a psychotherapist can retrace the patient's past trauma, examine the consequences they have had, and teach how to overcome unpleasant sensations and emotions.
